5 Ways to Build the Family You've Always Wanted

by Whitney Hopler 
Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen," (Northfield Publishing, 2008).  

If the family life you have now doesn't look like the healthy, nurturing family you've always wanted, don't despair. It's possible to create a better family, no matter what your background or current circumstances.

 

Here's how you can build the family you've always wanted:

 

1. Develop a heart for service. So much work needs to be done in a family -- from household chores like laundry, dishes, and paying bills to errands like grocery shopping and taking cars for oil changes. Make sure that every family member pitches in to help with a fair share of the work. Assign age-appropriate tasks to each of your children. Even very young children can help set the table for meals; older kids can do a wide range of chores like mowing the lawn or organizing closets.

 

If your family learns to serve each other, you'll learn to serve others outside your family, too. Such service pleases God and enlarges your hearts. Model service to your children by letting them see you engaged in service projects that make a positive difference in other people's lives. Give them opportunities to serve alongside you whenever possible. Affirm your children when they complete the work you've assigned them to do; your words will encourage them to keep serving.

 

 

2. Start relating intimately to your spouse. If an emotional wall has developed between you and your spouse, break it down by regularly acknowledging your failures, asking your spouse to forgive you, and forgiving your spouse whenever he or she hurts or offends you. Communicate well with each other, sharing your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly and listening carefully to what your spouse has to say.

 

Move beyond simply sharing information (such as when you plan to pick up a child or what you'd like to eat for dinner) and start sharing your deep desires and frustrations with each other. Develop intellectual intimacy by telling your thoughts, develop emotional intimacy by discussing your feelings, develop social intimacy by spending time together and discussing the time you've spent apart, develop spiritual intimacy by opening your souls to each other, and develop physical intimacy by sharing your bodies through sex.

 

 

3. Guide your children well. Keep in mind when training your children that they must feel loved in order for your training to work. If they feel loved by you, even poor attempts at training can produce good results. Discover each of your children's love languages -- how you can express love to them in ways they'll best understand. The main love languages are:

Words of affirmation,
Quality time,
Physical touch, receiving gifts, and
Acts of service. 

 
Look for clues to your children's love languages in how they express love to you, what they request of you most often, and what they complain about most often.

Make time to teach your kids creatively throughout every part of life you experience together. Pray with your kids often. Engage in conversations with them regularly, in which you discuss their thoughts and feelings and show a genuine interest in their lives. Encourage your children to take risks as God leads them and to learn from both their successes and failures. Speak encouraging words to your children often and write them encouraging notes or send them encouraging texts messages or e-mails.

When you need to correct them for misbehavior, aim to do so in a way that motivates them toward positive behavior. Choose your battles wisely. Correct only behavior that is truly destructive or detrimental to your children's development and let the rest go. Correct out of love instead of uncontrolled anger. Seek your children's wellbeing and choose discipline methods designed to benefit them.

Affirm your children for who they are, rather than just for what they do. Let your children know that you notice and appreciate their personal qualities, from how clever their minds are to how their decisions show strong moral character. Accentuate the positive to help your children overcome the many negative messages they sometimes receive from their peers and analyzing themselves.

Make time to show your children how to do the tasks you want them to perform instead of just telling them what to do. When they're trying to learn a new skill like reading or riding a bike, teach them how to deal with emotions like fear, anger, and disappointment and emphasize the importance of values such as courage, hard work, and honesty. Aim to be a healthy role model for them as you show them how to do something. Weave your actions in with your words and be consistent with your training to help your children learn best.

 

 

4. Help your children obey and honor you and your spouse. While making every effort to make sure your children feel loved, also make sure that your children experience the consequences of their behavior. Think and pray about what rules to set, and if your children are older, listen to their input about what rules should be set and why. When considering a particular rule, ask:
"Is this rule good for the child? Will it have some positive effect on this child's life?"

"Does this rule keep the child from danger or destruction?"
"Does this rule teach the child some positive character trait, such as honesty, hard work, kindness, or sharing?"
"Does this rule protect property?"
"Does this rule teach stewardship of possessions?"
"Does this rule teach the child responsibility?" and
"Does this rule teach good manners?"

 

Set consequences -- both good and bad -- for your children's behavior. Tie the consequences as closely as possible to the rules to which they relate. Give older children opportunities to help decide their own consequences for certain behaviors; that will make them more likely to accept the consequences when they break rules. Aim to be consistent, loving, and kind yet firm when disciplining your children.

Model what it looks like to honor parents by treating your own parents well if they're still alive. Visit and call them often; help care for their needs. Whether or not your own parents are still living, choose a lifestyle of generous service -- investing your life to honor God and bless other people -- and your children will be inspired by your example and motivated to do the same themselves.

 

 

5. Build a family where the husband loves and leads. A healthy husband is crucial to the health of a family, since God has planned for husbands to serve as the spiritual leaders of their homes. A healthy husband:

Views his wife as an equal partner and works well with her when making decisions
Communicates with his wife openly and in positive ways
Makes his relationship with his wife his top priority after God
Loves his wife unconditionally
Is committed to discovering and meeting his wife's needs, and
Seeks to model his spiritual and moral values.

 

A healthy father:
Is actively involved in his children's lives,
Makes time to be with his children often, engages in conversations with them regularly,
Plays with them often,
Teaches them his values,
Provides for and protects his children, and
Loves his children unconditionally.

Wives can motivate their husbands to grow by encouraging them and praising their efforts without expecting perfection. If wives share their desires in terms of requests rather than demands, husbands will respond better. Wives should give their husbands plenty of love and try to meet his basic needs -- including his strong sexual needs.

When they feel cared for, husbands will be motivated to act in loving ways themselves. Wives whose husbands get defensive also need to learn how to communicate in ways that don't strike at their husbands' self-esteem.

 

 

Published April 15, 2009.

Adapted from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen, copyright 2008 by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Northfield Publishing, Chicago, Ill., www.moodypublishers.com.    
Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of the New York Times bestselling book The Five Love Languages. With over 30 years of counseling experience, he has the uncanny ability to hold a mirror up to human behavior, showing readers not just where they go wrong, but also how to grow and move forward. Dr. Chapman is the host of the weekly one-hour radio program, Building Relationships, and has been featured at the Pentagon and United Nations. He is a prolific conference speaker and makes his home with his wife in North Carolina.
 

You need a mentor

You need a mentor
by Rick Warren

 

Everyone has a reservoir of knowledge, skills, and experience they can share. A wise person will learn to draw them out. Rick Warren

---

Every pastor needs a mentor. No matter what stage you are in your ministry, you need someone to coach you.

 

All sorts of organizations use the mentoring process to make people better at what they do. In medicine, doctors mentor younger doctors. In music, musicians mentor other musicians. Why? It works. We learn best when we have people who can speak into our lives and ministry.

 

Proverbs 19:20 says, "Get all the advice you can and be wise the rest of your life." I will always need a coach – no matter how old I get or how successful I become. Lebron James is one of the best basketball players on the planet. He still needs a coach. You will never get to a point in your life you can say, "I've learned it all. I don't need anybody else to help me."

 

A mentor brings out the best in you in three areas: your roles, your goals, and your soul. Mentors give us perspective. They help us look at ourselves and our ministry from the outside. We don't always see what we're doing outside of our own perspective. We see from our own limited focus. We need somebody else in our life to say, "Have you thought about…? What about this? What about that?"

 

Saddleback would not be where it is today without men who've poured their lives into me – people who've made me look at my ministry in a different light. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel but with many advisors they succeed." What God has done through Saddleback over the past 30 years hasn't happened because I'm smart. It's because I've had great mentors and advisors. They are people I've bounced ideas off of and gotten feedback from.

 

What do you look for in a mentor? Let me suggest three qualities.

 

1. Someone who has the character and values you admire. You want to find a mentor who is the kind of person you want to be.
   
   
2. Someone with the skills and experience you want. Look for another pastor who has the particular ministry skills you want to improve upon. Maybe it's preaching. Maybe it's leadership. Maybe it's a pastor who has successfully navigated through a building campaign. Find someone who is good at something you want to be good at.
   
   
3. Someone you trust. If you don't trust your mentor, you're not going to learn anything from him. Just because a mentor has a lot of knowledge doesn't mean you'll click with him. To make a good mentoring experience, in time you'll need to be able to open up to the person you choose.

 

Ask good questions

Once you pick the right mentor, you'll need to make the most of the time you have with that person. Neither you nor your mentor have unlimited time. What can you do to maximize your time with your mentor? Ask questions.

 

Before you meet with your mentor, spend some time thinking about questions you want to ask. Think about what issues you're dealing with in your ministry. Think about what areas of your mentor's ministry you'd like to learn from. Be specific.

 

One of my mentors was a guy named Billy, who had a mentor himself. Billy went to a large church in Texas and put himself under the pastor. At the end of six months, Billy went to him and said, "I've watched your teaching for six months and I've never heard you preach a dud. God speaks through everything you teach. Every time you teach there's power, practical information, and good insight. I would like to know how you stay fresh. What's your secret?" The man told Billy, "About 35 to 40 years ago, I made a commitment to stay fresh, so I could feed other people. To do that, I read through the New Testament once a week."

 

Billy sat there dumbfounded, trying to think up an intelligent follow-up question to ask. "What translation do you read it in?" Billy asked. The Texas pastor said, "Usually in the original Greek." Billy later told me that he could have been with the guy for five or six years and never found out the secret to his freshness and spiritual depth if he hadn't asked the question.

 

Anyone – at any time – can be a mentor if you learn to ask questions. Everyone has a reservoir of knowledge, skills, and experience they can share. A wise person will learn to draw them out. If I were to sit down with you, I'd learn some things that would make me a better pastor. I'm sure of it. You've had experiences that I haven't had – and vice versa.

 

Be prepared with standard questions to ask every time you get around someone who's making an impact with their life. Questions like:

• How do you handle stress?
• What have been the greatest successes in your life?
• What were the causes of those successes?
• What were the greatest failures in your life?
• What would you do differently if you were starting over?
• What kind of books do you read?
• How do you manage your time?
• How do you manage your money?
• What have been the greatest lessons you've learned?
• What have been the greatest surprises in your life?

 

Successful people give off clues. Look for those clues. Pull them out and learn from them.

 

Welcome feedback

 

Getting feedback from mentors is also absolutely critical. If you don't get feedback, you're going to get off course. During all the Apollo trips to the moon, those spaceships had to do course corrections literally every second. The earth was turning, and the moon was turning. To make it, the astronauts had to constantly change the course of their ship. And the only way they could do that was to get feedback.

 

You need course corrections from time to time in ministry as well. To make those corrections, you'll need someone on the outside of your ministry to give you feedback. If you're not open to feedback from a mentor, you're not going to learn and you're not going to grow.

 

Pastor, you need a mentor in your ministry. Whether you're 35, 55, or 75, there is someone you can learn from. Find someone with character. Find someone with skills you desire. Find someone you trust.

 

Find a mentor.

		Article by Rick Warren

How to Resolve the Four Kinds of Marital Conflict

Kathy Collard Miller, D. Larry Miller

 

 

ROMANS 12:17--21 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but over­come evil with good.

 

 

Conflict often makes our beloved seem like an enemy. We can easily begin to think, "It's me against you!" when we're supposed to be on the same side. Yet when we start picking a fight with our spouse and, in effect, try to take vengeance by getting our own way, we're certainly not trusting God to fulfill his promise to work in someone's life. If we're supposed to give food and water to our enemy, then let's resolve our conflicts with our best friend--our mate! Here's how to identify the four main kinds of conflict and what to do about them:  

 

 

1. Faults and Weaknesses. Everyone has faults. Faults aren't sins. Faults could be based in the weaknesses of your spouse's personality. A person who seems to talk too much is a gregarious kind of person. You may judge that she talks too much, but that's because you may not talk much at all. She is most likely thinking you don't talk enough. This is not a conflict about sin; rather, it is a lack of com­passion and understanding about who God created your spouse to be.

 

If your conflict comes from trying to change your spouse, remember that only God can change someone. It isn't your job. Don't allow conflict to separate you emotionally because of his fault or weakness. At the same time, you can gently point out how too much talking prevents both of you from contributing to the conversation. Speaking "peaceably" means invit­ing a dialogue--not haranguing your spouse for what you perceive is wrong. Ask God to make any changes that he wants. Believe it or not, he might not plan to change that person at this time, and you can relax and eliminate the conflict knowing that he has his perfect timing.

 

 

2. Unintended Emotional Injury. When someone hurts your feelings and he didn't intend to (although we might think he did), we can easily fall into the trap of blaming and taking it personally. Each person thinks he is right.

 

It's important to express your hurt by saying something like, "I know you didn't intend to hurt me, but I felt . . . [and share your feelings]." Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. He loves you, and most of the time, what you think is meant to hurt you isn't intended that way. It was most likely a misunderstanding, or he inadvertently touched on something that is a wound within you, possibly even from childhood.

 

Acknowledging the underlying causes of why this "triggers" you is essen­tial. Most often, things from our childhood are at the root. For instance, a wife was neglected by her father, and so any slight by her husband takes her back emotionally (without her knowing it) to those longings of want­ing her daddy to love her. Because of this trigger, she will need to take responsibility for her own reaction. The person who inadvertently hurt his or her spouse can remember this: "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out" (Proverbs 20:5). God wants you to compassionately invite your spouse to address her hurt and possibly her wound from the past.

 

The "offending" spouse will need to walk "peaceably" by not reacting in kind with anger or hurt. By keeping your cool, you will cover the situation with a calming balm. Proverbs 15:1 urges us, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

 

 

 

3. Preferences. During your courtship, you most likely appreciated the differences that completed you as a couple. If one of you is outgoing and friendly, the other person is most likely more reserved. You liked how your spouse made friends easily so that you didn't have to put out so much effort. But now that difference has made him or her into an enemy. You may feel that he is so friendly with everyone else that he ignores you.

 

Living peaceably means recognizing that a preference isn't sinful. Just because you think one way doesn't mean your spouse's opposite thinking is wrong--it's just different. Different isn't wrong. Your conflict is based in thinking that there's only one way to think about something or do some­thing. But look at Proverbs 27:14: "If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." If because you're an early riser you think it's pretty close to a sin to sleep in late, the Bible says you're cursing your friend. Some things just aren't in a sin category.

 

If your spouse thinks strongly about something, then it may be even more of a conflict if you feel that you're going to be forced to abide by your spouse's preferences. That's why you need to try to feel his passion or pref­erence. That doesn't mean you need to change your preference, just under­stand how much it means to him. You may both choose to do your "own thing" separately if one person doesn't enjoy the desired activity, but leave room for both of you to do what you want at some point. Or take turns. If your conflict is about where to go on vacation, decide that one year you will go to the lake and the next year you will go to the mountains. Or find a place that has both a lake and a mountain.

 

If you feel that your own preferences aren't ever honored, first look at the word ever. Is that really true? Or is your spouse giving in on some things thinking she is pleasing you, except that particular thing isn't that impor­tant to you so you don't give her credit for her effort? But when you say "You never let me" or "We don't ever," your spouse may point out some­thing that she thought she was doing for you but you hadn't noticed because it's not your important preference. This is why it's important to communicate what's valuable to you. And if your spouse tells you you're not really hearing what she says, listen! Really listen and try to feel her passion. Understand that just as your activity is important to you, so also is her activity to her.

 

 

4. Sin. When your spouse sins, he can certainly seem like the enemy. Yet Romans 12:17--21 tells us we have a choice whether to live peaceably with our enemy. That doesn't mean overlooking his sin or doing nothing about it, but it does mean having an attitude of good that isn't overcome by evil. And most of the time in conflict, evil means being angry. Being angry means that you're trying to be in control instead of allowing God to be, and that won't get you the result you want. Yes, you'll still need to call your spouse's attention to the sin. If it's horrible and terribly painful, like adultery, and your spouse refuses to remove himself from the sin, then you may need to separate legally. But most of the time, we're dealing with sin that is griev­ous but not liable to end the marriage. What then can we do?

 

God calls us to righteousness if we are the offended party. This is not a self-righteous, I'm-better-than-you attitude, but a humble heart like the one 1 Peter 3:8--9 describes: "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."

 

Compassion means thinking, "I could do something like that, and even if I haven't, I've done something equally bad or pretty close." Sin is sin. Regardless of the degree of sin that we have committed, we've all fallen short. We all stand on equal ground before a holy God who has forgiven us. In those moments, Galatians 6:1--2 is a good reminder: "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (NKJV). We could have done the same thing if we were tempted in the same way.

 

Compassion also means forgiving our mate, but forgiving doesn't mean we're saying the sin didn't happen or that he or she shouldn't suffer the consequences of sin. But it means releasing our anger and our need to take revenge. Then set up a plan for accountability and strength for your spouse to turn from the sin so that the two of you can be reconciled.

 

 

 

How Others See It

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Agree on a follow-up plan. "If I notice something again, how do you want me to help you? What do you want me to do?" This way you become a team member to deal with the problem and not a police officer. You might want to talk to him about bringing other resources to the problem as well, such as friends to hold him accountable. The important issue is that you are together as a team to fight the reoccurrence.

 

 

Becky and Roger Tirabassi give seven motivators for forgiving others:  

To forgive someone benefits you.

To forgive doesn't mean you allow the person to continue to hurt you in the same way.

Most people don't intentionally try to hurt you.

God wants us to forgive others.

It won't be long before you will need to be forgiven.

Forgiveness becomes easier when you look for similar behavior in your life.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision!

 

 

source: CWalk

This article originally posted on November 5, 2007.

Excerpted from

What's in the Bible for Couples © 2007 by Kathy Collard Miller, D. Larry Miller, and Larry Richards, Ph.D.  

Bring Worship Home

Peter Beck
Assistant Professor of Religion, Charleston Southern University

It happens all the time. You've read a passage before, maybe many
times. Then, out of the blue, those assumed familiar words jump off
the page, grab you by the ears, and scream, "Look at me!" That
happened to me again recently as I was reading through 1 Chronicles.
Chapter 16 ends with these incredibly subtle but marvelously rich
words:

"Then all the people departed each to his house, and David went home
to bless his household."

The context of verse 43 is the bringing of the ark up to Jerusalem.
David and others had worshipped God and his covenantal faithfulness
corporately. Now, David is on his way home and seeking to see the
overflow of that worship touch his family as well.

There are several strong reminders for us in this little verse:

1 - Worship does not end at noon. What we do on Sunday morning is the
beginning of a weeklong period of worship, meant to go with us beyond
the church doors into every area of our lives.

2 - True worship buoys our entire being. When we really worship,
putting God first, we cannot but help to be lifted up. It is at this
point the Westminster admonitions to glorify God and enjoy him forever
come together. When we truly glorify God, it changes our outlook and
raises our spirits. By worshipping God, we enjoy God, and we want more
of God.

3 - Family worship is a natural extension of corporate worship. David
wasn't merely content to head home whistling the tune to his favorite
hymn. He wanted to see them enjoy the blessings of worshiping God as
well. He wanted to bring them alongside himself in his abundance of
joy.

4 - This text (well actually its sister text in 2 Samuel 16) reminds
us that the cares of the world, if we allow them to intrude, can
destroy our spirit of worship and take away the joy of our
relationship with God. In David's case, his wife Michal, a daughter of
his predecessor Saul, immediately confronted him over his public acts
of worship. She stole his joy. He went from intending to bless his
family to defending himself. We must be ever vigilant to protect and
preserve the attitude of worship.

The next time you go to church, see if you find yourself in David's
shoes, jubilant and full of the desire to share that joy with others.
If so, do so. Tell others about your worship experience. Invite them
in to your joy. Add other voices to the choir of God. If not, why not?
Did you not truly worship? Or, do the cares of this world obscure your
view of the one to come?

Five guiding principles for pastors’ wives

Five guiding principles for pastors' wives by Geri Scazzero with Pete Scazzero

I had to come to grips with the reality that I was a separate human being – with different feelings, desires, loves, passions, and interests. Geri Scazzero

I spent my first eight years as a senior pastor's spouse feeling like I was in the back of a runaway car going down a steep, winding mountain road at 65 mph. Although I rarely admitted it to God or myself, I was unhappy, depressed, exhausted, and angry.

 

Finally, after eight years of seeking to be a "good and submissive wife as to the Lord," I realized that the brakes on our car were not functioning. The pressures of leadership in the church had driven my husband out of the driver's seat. He, like the car, was out of control.

 

During that stressful time, I wondered what happened to the 27-year-old, passionate, enthusiastic, joyful follower of Jesus that was so excited to serve in church leadership. I was basically functioning as a single mother, and I was married to a husband who was not listening. I loved Pete very much, but his desire for the church to succeed had drowned out our marriage and family life.

 

Finally I quit – not the marriage, but the church. I refused to participate in the unhealthy cycle Pete was living and perpetuating. I got out of the back seat and exerted my power as a human being made in the image of God.

 

I do not blame Pete for what happened to me. I had died to the wrong things and lost focus on what was really important. This one act of getting out of the back seat of the car to awaken to the life God had given me unleashed a revolution in me personally, our marriage, and, ultimately, our church.

 

The last 16 years have been the best of my life!

 

As I speak with the spouses of pastors, elders, deacons, and leaders – regardless of race, ethnicity, denomination, or age – most feel the same way. They love their spouses and love Jesus. The problem is that they are unhappy and stressed. There is little time left over for loving themselves, their spouses, or others. Many secretly would love to be out of the ministry but are afraid to admit it.

 

 

So if you are married to a pastor, leader, elder, or deacon, I invite you to a new way of serving in leadership that better reflects the way of Jesus. The following are five principles that have guided me the past 16 years.

 

1. Get off the roller coaster. This takes great courage! Consider the fruit of the Spirit in you and your marriage. Are you experiencing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? If not, consider taking a hard look at the root issues. The apostle Paul made it clear in 1 Timothy 3:4-5 that the ministry of the leader in the church is to flow out of the quality of marriage and family life. Pastoral couples are first called to invest time, energy, and resources in their own marriage and family. When we fulfill that marital vow, we send a more powerful message to our church than any sermon or seminar.

 

2. Pay attention to how God uniquely made you. I had suppressed parts of myself that God had given me. For example, I love the outdoors, outings with my extended family, creativity, leadership, and fun. Our rigid gender roles, however, had me at home with the children while Pete was out building the church. I had died to things God never asked me to die to – such as my need for silence and solitude, along with my personal growth. Take some time alone with God and ask him what parts of you may be dead or dormant that he desires to awaken.

 

3. Be honest with yourself and your spouse about expectations. I love Pete. I always have. Part of the problem in our marriage, however, was that I did not have the courage to tell him the truth about how I felt or what I really wanted. The technical word used in 12-step groups would be "enmeshed" or "codependent." I had to come to grips with the reality that I was a separate human being – with different feelings, desires, loves, passions, and interests. I did not want to be alone most nights with a husband working 70 hours a week. I wanted a life outside of New Life church! At least in our marriage, Pete did not change until I took this step. This forced Pete to confront his lifestyle and inconsistencies.

 

4. Learn to stop over-functioning.  Do you move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits? Are you always reliable and "put together"? Then you are probably an overfunctioner. If so, you need to let go of burdens God never meant for you to carry so that your spouse and children can become who God wants them to be. As I learned to progressively let Pete bear consequences for his decisions, he matured and changed. I also came much more alive and loving.

 

5. Do your own work of following Jesus. What does it mean to take up your cross and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23)? We want to die to sins such as defensiveness, the need to be right, a critical spirit, and fear of what others think. But remember, God never asked you to die to a great marriage that reflects Christ and his bride. Unfortunately, I did not know what I was missing the first eight years of our marriage. It takes time, lots of it, to grow and nurture a mature, intimate, mutually satisfying marriage. Get some outside help and training. Talk to a mature leader or counselor.  The "deadness" in you and your marriage is "oil light" on your spiritual formation dashboard from God.  Don't be afraid. Our good God is on the throne!

 

If you believe in the Holy Spirit and the power of God, then start living the way he created you to live. Have the courage to feel and be honest – to yourself, to God, and to your spouse. "And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32). 

           
Pete and Geri's story can be seen on a 12-minute DVD at www.emotionallyhealthy.org
  

	Geri Scazzero directs large group events and the marriage ministry at New Life Fellowship Church in Queens, N.Y. She is a certified Pairs trainer and speaks, along with her husband Pete, to pastors, leaders and their spouses across North America on integrating the groundbreaking principles found in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (Nelson, 2006). Copyright © 2009 Geri Scazzero

resource: Change Your Thoughts to Change Your Marriage

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com

bible study/lesson resource

The following is a report on the practical applications of Mitch Temple's book, The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently about Your Relationship Can Change Everything, (Moody Publishers, 2009).  

 

Do you think your marriage should be making you happy?  Are you trying to change your spouse?  You may be carrying around a lot of marriage myths like these in your mind without even realizing it. 

 

Our culture is full of commonly held false assumptions about marriage.  If you believe them without examining them, they'll affect your marriage in ways that can be dangerous.  But if you change your false beliefs about marriage to reflect biblical truth, you'll change your marriage for the better. 

 

Here are some of the marriage myths you can overcome:

 

 

"The grass is greener on the other side of the fence." Although other men may seem better than your husband or other women may seem more appealing than your wife, everyone is human. Any other person you may choose to leave your marriage for will end up being just as flawed as your spouse. You're far better off using your time and energy to work on your existing marriage than leaving – causing yourself and others deep pain the process – only to see new problems spring up in a new relationship.

 

 

 

"Attitudes don't really count." Your attitudes determine your feelings and behaviors, so they actually affect your marriage profoundly. If you think negatively, you're likely to feel badly about your marriage and act in bad ways toward your spouse. But if you think positively, you'll often feel good about your marriage and choose good actions that will benefit your relationship. If your attitudes are on the right track, then the rest of your life – including your marriage – will be, too. So choose a hopeful attitude about your spouse and your marriage, every day. That will motivate you to make the positive choices that will improve your marriage.

 

 

 

"I need to change my spouse." No matter how much you'd like to change your spouse, you don't have the power to change another person. So instead of wasting your time and energy trying to change your spouse, ask God to help you understand, accept, and appreciate your spouse more. Get to know your spouse's unique personality better. When you're frustrated by one of your spouse's behaviors, pray about it and trust God – the only One who can change your spouse – to work in your spouse's life. If you want to change your marriage, focus on making changes in your own behavior, which will then change the dynamic of your relationship for the better and possibly inspire your spouse to change his or her own behavior.

 

Keep in mind that there are some aspects of your spouse that will remain the same, such as: gender, different communication styles, genetic influences, life history, and personality. Do all you can to show your mate that you accept him or her. Your unconditional love may motivate your spouse to change for the better (in ways that he or she can) at the right time and in the right ways.

 

 

 

"I didn't marry my soul mate." Marriage isn't a matter of finding the only person in the entire world you should marry or despairing that you've missed out if you haven't found that magical person. The truth is that you could have married any number of people and had your marriage would out just fine. Rather than worrying about finding a soul mate, focus on becoming one. Over time in your marriage, you and your spouse can become each other's soul mates by growing closer to God and each other.

 

An important part of building a soul mate relationship is simply showing up – physically and emotionally – no matter how hurt or hopeless you might happen to feel at a particular time. Also remember to keep your expectations of each other realistic. Your spouse is a real person who can't possibly measure up to a mythical idea of an ideal soul mate. Focus on your spouse as he or she actually is, and make up your mind to discover your soul mate – and become one.

 

 

 

"My needs come first." You know you have a consumer attitude toward your marriage when you catch yourself thinking or saying things like,

• "What am I getting out of this marriage, anyway?"
• "I deserve better" or
• "What's in this for me?"

 

But the more you focus on getting your own needs met in your marriage, the less likely that is to happen because your attitude will undermine your relationship with your spouse and make him or her less likely to want to meet your needs.

 

Research has shown that the marriages that work best are those in which both spouses decide every day to make sacrifices for the good of the other. Ask God to help you overcome your selfish nature and develop a desire to serve your spouse daily. Pray for the compassion and empathy you need for your spouse. Be willing to help your mate whenever he or she needs it – no matter how inconvenient it will be for you to help. Remember that, ultimately, it's God who meets your needs.  Sometimes He just uses your spouse to do so. Whenever you're concerned that one of your needs isn't being met, pray about it and trust God to help you.

 

 

 

"Happiness is everything." There's simply no such thing as a happy pill you can take for your marriage. Sometimes you and your spouse will go through circumstances that make you feel happy, but sometimes you'll encounter challenges that will make you feel unhappy. Just as your circumstances will constantly change, so will your feelings. So decide to base your marriage decisions on something much more reliable than your feelings – base them on timeless biblical truth. If you live by God's truths revealed in the Bible, you'll discover that right living – doing the right thing, even when it doesn't make you happy – will actually lead to more happiness in the long run because you'll be making decisions that protect you from lots of unnecessary pain.

 

 

So instead of spending your energy pursuing things that create happiness, direct your energy toward pursuing God above all else, and happiness will naturally come into your life. Rather than expecting your spouse to make you happy (which is futile), focus on serving your spouse, and enjoy the improvements that will bring to your marriage.

 

Be sure to forgive your spouse every time he or she hurts or offends you. Withholding forgiveness will prevent you from experiencing happiness in your life. Rely on God's help throughout the forgiveness process. When you decide to follow His call to forgive despite your negative feelings toward your spouse, God will give you His peace that you never could have experienced otherwise.

 

 

 

"It's okay to be rude – we're married!" Although you may feel so comfortable around your spouse that you think anything goes in your relationship, being rude will only harm your marriage. Marriage doesn't give you a license to mistreat each other. Take your little annoying habits seriously because they may be big deal to your spouse. Ask God to help you stop whatever habits bother your spouse, from putting your feet on the furniture at home to making sarcastic comments about him or her in public.

 

Be patient while your spouse tries to change his or her own annoying habits. Recognize the significant effect that rude behavior in your marriage has not just on the two of you, but also on others in your lives, like your children. Do all you can to treat your spouse the way you would like your spouse to treat you.

 

 

 

"I shouldn't have to ask." Your spouse can't read your mind, so he or she doesn't automatically know what you need.  If you need something from your spouse, you usually do have to ask for it – and sometimes you have to ask several times until your spouse fully listens and understands. 

 

Pray about your need first; then ask your spouse. Make suggestions instead of demands. Be flexible and don't push for a decision until he or she is ready.

 

When your spouse brings a request to you, don't get irritated or defensive. Instead, be thankful that your spouse cares enough to work on your relationship. Listen carefully, giving your spouse your full attention and refraining from making judgments or drawing conclusions until he or she is finished speaking. Seriously consider what your spouse is asking. Think and pray about it. Ask questions to clarify what your spouse needs. Remember that God calls you to put other's needs above your own.

 

 

 

"Conflict is bad." Conflict can be disruptive and scary, but like a good thunderstorm, it can clear the air. If you and your spouse use conflict constructively, it can help you each solve problems in your marriage and grow as people in the process. The key to effective conflict is learning when to engage and when to walk away.

 

Avoid destructive types of conflict, like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and blaming. Use conflict to help clear contaminants out of your marriage and move you both in a positive direction. Follow these guidelines for fighting fair: Start the argument with a positive, respectful approach rather than with loud words, harsh statements, or judgmental accusations. Don't deny problems. Choose your battles, letting minor issues go. Schedule important discussions for the right times and places.

 

Avoid trying to do deal with issues during times of great stress or grief, and create an environment where you can be calm and not disturbed. Listen well. Don't use sex as a weapon in your arguments with your spouse. Never threaten divorce. Control your anger. Call a time out if either you or your spouse is becoming too angry, but be sure to come back later to discuss the issue again.

 

 

 

"A crisis means we're over." Every marriage experiences problems. Whenever you and your spouse encounter a crisis, it doesn't mean that your marriage is over. In fact, a crisis can actually strengthen your marriage if you trust God through it and learn from it. Pray for the help you need during a crisis. Commit to doing whatever it takes to work through the problem at hand.

 

Establish mutually agreed upon rules of interaction, such as no shouting or blaming. Cut off relationships with other people who have a negative influence on your marriage. Ask God to give you the discernment to know what to say and what not to say, when to speak, and how to say what you need to say.

 

 

 

"All pain in our marriage is bad." Pain is never pleasant to go through, but it can actually be a gift because it directs your attention to problems that need to be solved. When your spouse is in physical or emotional pain, never underestimate how much he or she may be struggling. Support your spouse without judging him or her; understand that your spouse won't be able to respond to you normally when in pain. Pray for your spouse. When you're in pain yourself, let your pain drive you to rely more closely on God and discover His grace.

 

 

"Marriage is just too hard." While marriage is definitely hard sometimes, it doesn't ever need to be too hard. Start making small, consistent investments in your marriage every day to make your marriage easier. You and your spouse can make deposits into each other's emotional bank accounts by doing or saying loving things for each other. Do what you can to cut down on the withdrawals you each make from each other's emotional bank accounts (ways you hurt each other).

 

 

Spend time doing simple activities together that you both enjoy, like walking or writing letters. Invest the time and energy necessary to keep romance alive in your marriage. Pray together and for each other often. Instead of relying on your own limited strength to maintain a close marriage, rely on God's unlimited power to guide and help you every day.

---

Adapted from The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently about Your Relationship Can Change Everything, copyright 2009 by Mitch Temple. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill.,  www.moodypublishers.com.

Mitch Temple serves as the director over marriage programs at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He represents Focus at national events, seminars, media interviews, and radio programs. Mitch is a published author in various professional journals, and co-author of two marriage books. He served for 23 years as pulpit and counseling pastor, specializing in crisis, business, and marriage and family-related issues. He and his wife of more than 25 years have three children and live in Colorado.

The War over Worry

Adrian Rogers

source: Crosswalk

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? (Matt 6:25-26)

 

Somebody did a study about what the average person worries about. They found that forty percent of what people worry about never happens. And thirty percent of what people worry about have already happened and you can't do anything about it. Twelve percent of what the average person worries about is what others say about you, which most of the time is untrue. Finally, according to this survey, ten percent of worry deals with your health and worrying will only make that worse!

That leaves about eight percent of the things that are considered to be real problems... and worry will not do any good with these either! Why is it that we worry about a lot of things that are not going to happen or already have happened? It's like the little lady said one time, "Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. Most of the things I worry about never happen."

Let me share with you four ways you can win the war over worry:

 

Trust in the Lord
God wants to prove Himself to you. Let me ask you, "How do you know that the Lord is the joy of your life?" You don't know, until He takes away your automobile or your health or your home or your family. When you say, "Jesus is all I need" make sure you can prove it. You'll never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.

 

Do Good
One of the signs that you're not trusting God is that you drop out of your usual activities. They get down. You say, "I lost my job!" Well, what are you doing about it? "Well, I'm just sitting around the house!" Well, quit it! Get out there and do something because you're trusting God to provide!

 

Delight Yourself in the Lord
Do you want to have a life of joy? Then, put your faith in something, or should I say Someone, who cannot be touched -- the Lord! God isn't finished with you until you find your greatest joy in Him alone. Now take the sentence very slowly -- God is going to keep giving you this test until you pass it. He doesn't flunk anybody out. And so, if you don't pass this time, He'll just run you through again.

 

Commit Your Way to the Lord
"Commit" literally means "to roll." It means to roll your burden on the Lord. Whatever that burden is, you are to give it to God. His shoulders are broad enough. Matthew 11:30 says, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Is someone critical of you today? Give it to Jesus. Has someone hurt you? Give it to Jesus. Are you unsure about your future? Give it to Jesus.

 

Rest In The Lord
This word "rest" means "to be silent." We want our answers yesterday. And God is saying, "Hush! Rest in Me!" Friend, God isn't interested in time. He's interested in timing. He's never in a hurry. And He's never late. Waiting on the Lord is like waiting for the sun to rise. You can't hurry it. And you can't stop it.

Trust. Do Good. Delight. Commit. Rest. What is the key to all of this? Jesus. When He is your focus, you can win the war over worry.