| Five guiding principles for pastors' wives by Geri Scazzero with Pete Scazzero | |
 I had to come to grips with the reality that I was a separate human being – with different feelings, desires, loves, passions,  and interests. Geri Scazzero |
I spent my first eight years as a senior pastor's spouse feeling like I was in the back of a runaway car going down a steep, winding mountain road at 65 mph. Although I rarely admitted it to God or myself, I was unhappy, depressed, exhausted, and angry.
Finally, after eight years of seeking to be a "good and submissive wife as to the Lord," I realized that the brakes on our car were not functioning. The pressures of leadership in the church had driven my husband out of the driver's seat. He, like the car, was out of control.
During that stressful time, I wondered what happened to the 27-year-old, passionate, enthusiastic, joyful follower of Jesus that was so excited to serve in church leadership. I was basically functioning as a single mother, and I was married to a husband who was not listening. I loved Pete very much, but his desire for the church to succeed had drowned out our marriage and family life.
Finally I quit – not the marriage, but the church. I refused to participate in the unhealthy cycle Pete was living and perpetuating. I got out of the back seat and exerted my power as a human being made in the image of God.
I do not blame Pete for what happened to me. I had died to the wrong things and lost focus on what was really important. This one act of getting out of the back seat of the car to awaken to the life God had given me unleashed a revolution in me personally, our marriage, and, ultimately, our church.
The last 16 years have been the best of my life!
As I speak with the spouses of pastors, elders, deacons, and leaders – regardless of race, ethnicity, denomination, or age – most feel the same way. They love their spouses and love Jesus. The problem is that they are unhappy and stressed. There is little time left over for loving themselves, their spouses, or others. Many secretly would love to be out of the ministry but are afraid to admit it.
So if you are married to a pastor, leader, elder, or deacon, I invite you to a new way of serving in leadership that better reflects the way of Jesus. The following are five principles that have guided me the past 16 years.
- Get off the roller coaster. This takes great courage! Consider the fruit of the Spirit in you and your marriage. Are you experiencing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? If not, consider taking a hard look at the root issues. The apostle Paul made it clear in 1 Timothy 3:4-5 that the ministry of the leader in the church is to flow out of the quality of marriage and family life. Pastoral couples are first called to invest time, energy, and resources in their own marriage and family. When we fulfill that marital vow, we send a more powerful message to our church than any sermon or seminar.
- Pay attention to how God uniquely made you. I had suppressed parts of myself that God had given me. For example, I love the outdoors, outings with my extended family, creativity, leadership, and fun. Our rigid gender roles, however, had me at home with the children while Pete was out building the church. I had died to things God never asked me to die to – such as my need for silence and solitude, along with my personal growth. Take some time alone with God and ask him what parts of you may be dead or dormant that he desires to awaken.
- Be honest with yourself and your spouse about expectations. I love Pete. I always have. Part of the problem in our marriage, however, was that I did not have the courage to tell him the truth about how I felt or what I really wanted. The technical word used in 12-step groups would be "enmeshed" or "codependent." I had to come to grips with the reality that I was a separate human being – with different feelings, desires, loves, passions, and interests. I did not want to be alone most nights with a husband working 70 hours a week. I wanted a life outside of New Life church! At least in our marriage, Pete did not change until I took this step. This forced Pete to confront his lifestyle and inconsistencies.
- Learn to stop over-functioning. Do you move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits? Are you always reliable and "put together"? Then you are probably an overfunctioner. If so, you need to let go of burdens God never meant for you to carry so that your spouse and children can become who God wants them to be. As I learned to progressively let Pete bear consequences for his decisions, he matured and changed. I also came much more alive and loving.
- Do your own work of following Jesus. What does it mean to take up your cross and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23)? We want to die to sins such as defensiveness, the need to be right, a critical spirit, and fear of what others think. But remember, God never asked you to die to a great marriage that reflects Christ and his bride. Unfortunately, I did not know what I was missing the first eight years of our marriage. It takes time, lots of it, to grow and nurture a mature, intimate, mutually satisfying marriage. Get some outside help and training. Talk to a mature leader or counselor. The "deadness" in you and your marriage is "oil light" on your spiritual formation dashboard from God. Don't be afraid. Our good God is on the throne!
If you believe in the Holy Spirit and the power of God, then start living the way he created you to live. Have the courage to feel and be honest – to yourself, to God, and to your spouse. "And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32).
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Geri Scazzero directs large group events and the marriage ministry at 
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