Dads & Sons
by Dr. Ken Canfield
There's no question we love all of our children in unique ways. But there's also no question that we share something special, something deeper with our children of the same sex. The connection between dads and sons, moms and daughters is more complex and intimate than any other. These bonds are perhaps the most influential we ever experience—both as mothers and fathers and as the daughters and sons of our own parents. As you celebrate Father's Day, reflect on these distinctive relationships in your own life.
Imagine you're driving in the country with your teenage son. You pull the car over to the side of a deserted dirt road and turn off the ignition. "Dad, what's going on?" your son asks. You dangle the car keys in front of his face. "Son," you say, "why don't we trade places?"
Your son gets a look on his face—elation combined with fear. He gets behind the wheel, slips the car into gear, and both of your hearts race as you spin down the road.
You have communicated that you trust him with your car—not to mention your very life!
The importance of being there
It's a father's unique privilege to bring his son through various rites of passage. Maybe it's the Saturday morning you get him up early to go out to breakfast with you and your adult friends. Maybe it's the first time you let him stay home alone while you and your wife go out of town overnight. Or the first time you trust him with your credit card or your electric razor.
These are big moments for all boys, and as fathers we need to be there to share them. I suppose a driver's ed instructor could teach him to drive just as well. Another dad in the neighborhood could help him check the oil in the car or change his first tire. But there's something different, something special about a boy learning these things from his father.
A successful transition from boyhood to manhood calls for a father who will tap into his son's desire to understand the world, harness his boy's innate drive to compete, make the most of his son's creativity, and help his son develop discernment. Since we fathers were once boys ourselves, these essential traits don't surprise us. But they are a reminder of how fathers can cultivate character in our sons. Your role isn't just important to your son's development into a man of God, it's essential.
Creating a sense of wonder
Boys need a strong sense of curiosity. They need to develop their investigative capacities. The world is full of fascinating puzzles just waiting to be explored. You can help your son plumb the meaning of these puzzles by asking questions that will launch him on a journey of finding the truth at his own pace and in his own way. Ask him why the moon has phases, why moss grows on the north side of a tree or why manhole covers are round. It's not the questions themselves that build his character, but the wonderment and willingness to ask why that will help mold him into a man of depth.
Of course, there are some areas where we don't want our sons to find answers on their own—like sex and drugs. In these cases, fathers need to provide truthful answers and well-thought-out reasons for making godly choices. We can also use problem-solving techniques to help them think through likely results of unwise choices.
Harnessing the power of competition
The second trait a boy needs is healthy competition. Lessons are learned from aiming high and giving 100 percent in school, sports and other arenas. Both winning and losing will prepare him for the real world, and teach him not to settle for mediocrity.
A healthy, competitive spirit will even help him in his spiritual life, where he'll need to fight temptations to compromise and instead stand up for what he knows to be good and true.
This is often a delicate area for fathers and sons. The challenge is to raise boys who will strive for the best while knowing they are loved at their worst. We show them the unchanging nature of our love as we celebrate their achievements and patiently help them learn from their mistakes. We give them confidence to grow as we allow them to find their own abilities and the opportunities to hone them.
The value of creativity
Imagination is a wonderful childhood trait too many of us men have left behind. Now, I know imagination and creativity go against the stereotypical manly man, but the stereotype is just plain wrong. Healthy, godly men need creativity to be thoughtful husbands, sensitive fathers, successful entrepreneurs, pioneering researchers, caring pastors, and so on.
Tap into your son's imagination when he's young and you'll find it easy to follow his lead. Encourage your son's dreams and hopes. Give him time and space to explore all his brain can think up. Nurture your son's interests in more right-brained pursuits like art, music and writing and every part of his world will benefit.
Making responsible choices
A fourth trait to nurture in your son is discernment. A young man's discernment develops when his father honestly explains the specific blessings and consequences of life choices. Discussing character, leadership, faith and the impact of an attitude—both good and bad—will help a young man become a discerner and prepare him to take responsibility for his choices.
Unfortunately, most men live in denial. Their own fathers failed to point out the dead ends in life, the roads of selfishness, lying, cheating, addiction and immorality. One of the best safeguards for our sons is to humbly share our mistakes and failures. Doing so may be the best insurance against self-destructive habits you can acquire as your son enters the adolescent years. The truth should always be seasoned with love, which ultimately knits together the hearts of fathers and sons.
The value of a loving touch
Since we used to be boys, we have a natural companionship with our sons—we're often alike and we probably enjoy some of the same activities. Oddly enough, even though it's easy for us to be with our sons, it's still too often a distant relationship.
That was certainly the case in my own life. When I was a boy, I spent countless hours working with my father, but we never talked in a deep way and I have no memories of us ever embracing.
A professor of social work from the University of Michigan reports that sons of sensitive, affectionate fathers scored higher on intelligence tests and did better in school than children of colder, more distant fathers.
In a study of nurturance habits, the actions of fathers that best predicted their children's self-esteem were "physical affection" for girls and "sustained physical contact" for boys. It's expressed in slightly different ways, but both daughters and sons need their father's affection. In other words, our boys need hugs.
The secret might be to make hugging a habit when our sons are toddlers. What dad would find it awkward to give his 3-year-old son a hug? The tricky years start around 12. You may be tempted to settle for a pat on the back or a tousle of the hair as a means of communicating affection, and those can be great regular points of contact. But nothing beats a big, old-fashioned bear hug. It will mean more to your son than he can say.
Tonight, hug your son. Remember, once you've done it, it will be easier to hug him again a few days from now. Years from now—years that will pass in an instant—he'll be hugging his own children. And you will have given a great gift to your family for generations to come. J
Dr. Ken Canfield is president of the National Center for Fathering. He is the author of Spiritual Secrets of Faithful Fathers (Beacon Hill Press) and the father of five.
Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/Christian Parenting Today magazine. M/J 1999, Vol.11,#5.
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