lesson resource for the men in church

5 Ways to Be the Husband God Wants You to Be
Stormie Omartian
 
In the Bible, God commands, "All of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be ten­derhearted, be courteous" (1 Peter 3:8). Paying heed to these ?ve directives can change your life and your marriage and make you the man and husband God wants you to be. It's de?nitely something well worth praying about.

 

1. Be of One Mind
It's horrible to have strife in a marriage. It makes us mis­erable. It affects every area of our lives. And it's probably the closest thing to hell we'll ever know on earth. If it goes on long enough, it can destroy everything. Jesus said, "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desola­tion, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand" (Matthew 12:25). Those are frightening predictions. But prayer is the key by which unity in the marriage rela­tionship can be maintained.

A man and wife cannot live entirely independently of one another without paying a steep price for it. It makes them incomplete. "Neither is a man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). But because men and women are different, it's quite easy for them to get off onto completely separate paths. Even in the closest of marriages, the two partners are still not joined at the hip. You and your wife may have separate work, interests, and activities, but if you are praying with and for one another regularly, it will keep you in tune and on the same path. Without this unity of mind and spirit that prayer provides, it's too easy to get used to the other one not being there. And if resentment about that creeps into the heart of either one of you, you can begin to hold yourself apart from one another mentally, physically, or emotionally, without even realizing it.

It is especially important to be of the same faith and beliefs. In fact, this is a good place to begin praying. Your entire relationship is compromised if you are not on the same page in this area. For example, going to separate churches, or going to a church where one of you is not happy, or one of you going to church while the other one consistently does not, all promote a lack of unity.

If you can think of other issues such as this that have caused division between you and your wife, pray speci?cally about them. Ask God to change your heart where necessary to bring you into unity with your wife. Where your wife's attitude and perspective need to change, pray for her to be able to change them. Your marriage will be a strong force for good if the two of you are of one mind. 

 

 

 

2. Be Compassionate
Have you ever seen your wife suffering, but you don't know what to do about it? Some men become impatient with that. Others feel so at a loss or overwhelmed by it that it causes them to withdraw. If you recognize that happening to you, ask God to give you a heart of compassion. To be compassionate toward your wife is to have a deep sympathy for any area in which she suffers and to have a strong desire to alleviate that suffering.

Part of being compassionate has to do with simply lis­tening. That means being able to listen without having that faraway look in your eyes that says, "I have more important things to do. Let's get this over with quickly." Your wife is not expecting you to ?x everything. She just needs to know that you hear her heart and care about how she feels.

In the past my husband would stand still and listen to me for no more than three seconds (I timed this) before he would walk out of the room. If I wanted him to hear a com­plete sentence, I either had to run after him or ?nish the sentence the next time I saw him. Even when I did get him to actually sit down and look at me while I was speaking, I still had to ask him to give me some indication that he com­prehended what I was saying. Usually I said something like "Blink if you can hear me." When he blinked, it meant so much to know he had heard my voice. Now he has a heart for my struggles, and he listens with care. Those moments of listening and indicating compassion have been healing to our relationship. 

Pray that God will give you a heart of compassion toward your wife and the patience to listen to her when she needs you to do so. It's a ?ne art worth cultivating. It can get you places with her where you've dreamed of being.

 

 

3. Be Loving
Jesus loves us with ?delity, purity, constancy, and passion no matter how imperfect we are. If a man doesn't love his wife in that same way, he will abuse his authority and his headship and as a result will abuse her. Because you are one with your wife, you must treat her the way you would your own body. You wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt or destroy it. You love it and care for it. "Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself" (Ephe­sians 5:33).

Jack Hayford, our pastor for 23 years, always said he could tell when a woman was truly loved by her husband, because she grew more beautiful as the years went on. He recognized an inner beauty that doesn't fade, but rather increases with time when a woman is loved.

You have no idea how much your love means to your wife. Don't withhold it from her, or one way or another you will lose her. The Bible says, "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so" (Proverbs 3:27). Ask God to increase your love for your wife and enable you to show it in a way that makes her beautiful. 

 

 

 

4. Be Tenderhearted
Is there anything about your wife that bothers you? Is there something that she does or says, or doesn't do or say, that irritates you? Do you ?nd yourself wanting to change something about her? What happens when you try to make those changes occur? How does she respond when you show your irritation? Have you ever just given up and said, "It's no use. She's never going to be any different"?
The truth is, we all have a hard time changing. Try as we may, we can't change ourselves in any signi?cant way. Only God can make changes in us that last. Only His power can transform us. That's why prayer is a more tender and more certain way to see changes happen in your wife.

For example, does your wife always run late, while you like to be on time? She's probably not doing it on purpose. She may either be a poor judge of time or else she is trying to do too much. Pray that God will help her to organize things better or not take on more than she can handle, or that she will gain a clearer concept of time. Above all, don't let anger, harshness, or demeaning attitudes creep in. Crit­icism intended to make your wife change doesn't work. It will never give you the results you want. The only thing that works is prayer.

So rather than be impatient with your wife's weaknesses, ask God to give you a tender heart so you can pray for her about them. Ask Him to show you how they are a comple­ment to your strengths. And remember that, though the ways you and your wife are the same can unite you, the ways you are different can keep things interesting. 

 

 

5. Be Courteous  
Do you ever talk to your wife in a way that would be con­sidered rude if you were speaking to a friend or business associate? Are you kind to everyone all day at work, but then you take out your frustration, exhaustion, and anger on your wife when you get home? Do you ever allow criti­cism of your wife to come out of your mouth in front of other people? If so, as a sister in the Lord who deeply cares about both you and your wife, allow me to give you your ?rst serious assignment in this book:

 

STOP THAT!
Marriage is hard enough without one of the parties being rude, cruel, or inconsiderate. Nothing makes a mar­riage feel more like hell on earth. Nothing is more upset­ting, defeating, tormenting, suffocating, or emotion-provoking, nothing does more to bring out the worst in us, than a marriage where one of the partners is lacking in common courtesy. I have heard of more marriages dis­solving because the wife had been treated rudely for so long that she felt herself becoming resentful, angry, bitter, and hopeless. In other words, she was turning into the kind of person she never wanted to be. We have to care enough about our mates to stop doing things that hurt or upset them.

There is nothing more wonderful than the male voice. It is strong and deep and rich. And the sound of male voices singing together is one of the most beautiful sounds on earth. But the male voice can also be terrifying, espe­cially to women and children. Most men have no idea about the power of their voice. When a man speaks, his words have the power to create and the power to destroy. His words can be like a sharp knife that wounds and kills, or a soothing balm that heals and brings life.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk honestly and openly with your wife about the issues in your lives. By all means, put your thoughts and feelings on the table. But don't let your words turn into weapons of criticism that destroy what you want to preserve. Even when we don't mean to, our impatience or exhaustion can make our words seem less than courteous. Remember that "the kingdom of God is not in word but in power" (1 Corin­thians 4:20). It's not the words you speak, it's the power of God behind them that will make the difference. Praying ?rst, before you talk about a sensitive subject, will give your words power and ensure that you speak them from a right heart.

Your wife was created as a gift from God to complete you. "Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man" (1 Corinthians 11:9). But she must be treated as the gift from God that she is, in order for that complete blessing to happen in your life. Your wife will prove to be your greatest asset if you value and honor her. The Bible tells us that "whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight" (1 John 3:22). Pray for God to help you speak to your wife in a courteous way that is pleasing in His sight, and to convict your heart when you do not.

Praying about these ?ve simple biblical directives will transform your life and your marriage. And no matter how great your marriage is, God wants it to be better. Since God tells us to "be transformed," that must mean there is always room for improvement (Romans 12:2). Therefore it stands to reason that, as we improve individually, our marriages will also improve. Next to your love for her, the greatest gift you can give your wife is your own wholeness. Her most fervent desire for you is that you become the man God cre­ated you to be. It must be your desire also. God has given you strength, brilliance, power, authority, and the won­derful and admirable traits that come with being a man. Ask God to help you use them well and to His glory. Ask God to make you everything He created you to be so you and your wife will always be a winning team.

 

Published March 5, 2009
Adapted from The Power of a Praying Husband
Stormie Omartian is the bestselling author of The Power of a Praying(r) series (more than 11 million copies sold worldwide), which includes The Power of a Praying(r) Wife, Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On, The Prayer That Changes Everything(r), and The Power of a Praying(r) Woman Bible. Stormie and her husband, Michael, have been married more than 35 years and have three grown children. www.stormieomartian.com

Why Aren’t Christians Smarter?

Andrew Tallman

"The Andrew Tallman Show," KPXQ-Phoenix

 

Have you ever wondered why Christians aren't smarter? I mean, we have the only true religion, we have a Book which is responsible for all of Western Civilization, and we serve a God who can safely call Himself the supreme champion at every trivia contest. So why aren't we smarter? Well, the reasons are many, but the goal of changing that condition is the driving passion of my life. Having taught college philosophy, my background is in equipping people to think better, and I used to think that talent was best used in the secular world. Three years ago, however, I was persuaded by some good counsel to turn my attention toward the Body of Christ, and that's why I came to Phoenix to do my radio show weekdays from 5 to 7 p.m. on AM 1360 KPXQ.

 

 

Not thinking well is a sin.

God commands us very simply: Love Him with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind. Catch that last part … with all our mind. This means thinking is not optional for the Christian. Thinking, and thinking well, is a form of worship of God which is nothing short of obedience to His primary command. Hence, if we do not "use the brain God gave you," (my mom's favorite rhetorical chastisement), we are sinning.

 

 

Not thinking well is a scandal.

The most pervasive myth about Christianity is that it is incompatible with intelligence.

 

This is what I believed before I became one, and it made me not want to be one. I say it is a myth both because nothing demands more thinking capacity than being a faithful Christian and also because our history is rich with intellectual giants.

 

Nonetheless, Christianity has a reputation as a religion for fools, and this is at least partially our own fault. By offering empty platitudes such as, "Well, you have to have faith," when challenged with difficult questions, outsiders can be forgiven for forming the impression that what we really mean is, "Well, you have to be stupid." This puts people in the painful situation of feeling like they have to choose between their mind and God. Also, it makes Christianity offensive to the smartest people in society, who tend to be culture's greatest influencers. Thus, simply showing non-Christians that one can be both smart and faithful is a powerful form of evangelism.

 

 

Fishers not just fish-eaters.

"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime." Simple. Obvious. But, all too often, it's not the guiding principle of Christian education.

 

Christians can be so concerned about having the right answers (good doctrine), that we fail to teach people the thinking skills and patterns which would lead them to these and other true conclusions. They may have the unreliable dogmatism which comes from mere repetition, but they lack the true confidence which comes from deep and honest examination of an idea. Sadly, it also means they do not have the ability to discover new answers for themselves in novel situations.

 

On my radio show, I deliberately do not provide people many answers because I am more interested in helping people learn how to think than I am in telling them what to think. My confidence is high that such ability will ultimately get them to the right place, and it will be a place of true security as well.

 

 

Disciples, not an audience.

Jesus mentored His disciples. He interacted with them. He answered their questions. He joked with them. And He corrected them. He didn't lecture them. He lectured the masses. And I think the reason is simple. A lecture is not the ideal form of education.

 

The reasons are many. If a listener doesn't like what is being said, he can simply ignore it. If he doesn't understand or if he disagrees, he cannot easily inquire of the speaker. Because such questions go unanswered, other people miss out on having these questions answered. When the teacher fields questions, he replaces his own assumptions about his audience with real knowledge and can more accurately tune his teaching to the real needs they have.

 

Finally, I believe in collaboration rather than solo performances. Although I think I have many reliable insights worth saying, I'd rather talk with people and work together toward truth instead of just trusting in my own ideas too much. So my show is built around discussion rather than presentation. I am working with my listeners to fashion a product together rather than simply distributing to them a prefabricated one.

 

 

Haggling, not purchasing.

In the Mediterranean culture of the Bible, haggling was a way of life—and such negotiations provide a great way of coming to know someone. The process of haggling gains both friends and sharper minds. We are often baffled by this when we travel to that part of the world because Americans are so transaction oriented. "I agree," "I disagree," "I will buy," or "I will not buy." We are very comfortable with these types of shallow interactions. In the Mediterranean, the sellers understand that the product is insignificant compared with the relationship its sale can create.

 

In contrast, I think Americans are too concerned with conclusions instead of relationships. Thus, the key in my show is to find stimulating topics which cause people to want to talk with each other and build friendships. Whether we agree is not so much the issue, but whether we are able to love each other while we disagree and talk about it. That matters.

 

 

In conclusion

I was concerned when I took this job—concerned that my fellow Christians wouldn't endure me because they wanted their own ideas reinforced rather than examined and challenged. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered vast numbers of Christians who were excited about the prospect of being made to think, even if they didn't always agree with me. And so my audience and I have created an environment where we love each other not because we agree all the time, but because we enjoy the experience of talking it over together. Every day we collaborate to show that theology, like a good relationship, is not something to be purchased or rejected, but something to be enjoyed … together.

Andrew Tallman is the host of The Andrew Tallman Show and a columnist. Andrew's show is heard daily on KPXQ in Phoenix. Contact him at andrewtallman@kpxq1360.com. This commentary originally posted on January 8, 2008.

Let Go of Your Burdens

Whitney Hopler/Crosswalk

The following is a report on the practical applications of Sheila Walsh's new book, Let Go: Live Free of the Burdens All Women Know, (Thomas Nelson, 2008).

 

God stands ready to deliver you from whatever burdens you're carrying – from health struggles to financial problems. But unlike the sudden rescue you may be hoping for, your deliverance may come in the form of a process instead. Yes, God could intervene just once and remove your problems. Often, though, He chooses to walk beside you as you carry your burdens, helping you gradually learn to trust Him enough to give them over to Him.

 

Here's how you can let go of your burdens:

 

Be open to any outcome. Rather than trying to convince God to answer your prayers in a certain way, tell God that you trust Him to do what's best. You can't know what your deliverance will look like or when it will come, but God does. Imagine Jesus hanging on the cross, and yourself approaching Him while carrying your burdens. Then, in prayer, leave those burdens at the foot of the cross for Him to handle.

 

Eat fresh-baked grace every day. God will give you fresh grace for each day that will strengthen you to overcome whatever challenges you face. Pray for His grace each morning. Remember these graceful truths: God loves you as you are right at this moment; He knows all about you and loves you anyway; He forgives you even when you can't forgive yourself; and there is nothing you can do to make God love you any more or less than He already does.

 

Break free of judging. Stop judging other people, and don't let other people's judgment of you make you feel condemned. Instead, embrace the grace that God so freely offers to you, and extend grace to others. Ask God to heal your heart from legalism and shame. Enjoy the freedom that God's grace makes possible in your life.

 

Give up what should have been for what is and what can be. Don't be so preoccupied with regretting your past that you can't fully live in the present or move into the future with confidence. Pursue healing for your pain from the past. Ask God to help you change negative habits into positive ones. Pray for the discernment you need to identify evil lies and reject them in Jesus' name. Ask God to redeem your scars from past wounds for the sake of His kingdom.

 

Look at reality. Let go of what you wish was true and accept what actually is true about your life right now. Hold onto the reality that God is with you in the middle of your circumstances. Ask Him to help you become more aware of His presence and notice His work in your life, even though all is not as you'd like it to be right now.

 

Forgive others. Get rid of bitterness that poisons your soul by forgiving people who have hurt you in the past. Rely on God's help to go through the process; you can count on Him to empower you. Let your gratitude for all that God has forgiven you for motivate you to obey His command to forgive other people. Renounce your right to get even with those who have hurt you and choose to forgive, no matter how you feel. Trust God to heal you as He helps you forgive.

 

Forgive yourself. Confess your sins regularly, repent of them by turning away from them and toward God, and accept the forgiveness God offers you as a result. Whenever you remember your sins after that, view them simply as reminders of God's grace and mercy to you.

Resist temptation. Ask God to help you avoid going down easier paths than the ones that will truly honor Him. Realize that giving into temptation will harm you and cause you to lose the opportunity to invite God to work for a greater good in your life. Be alert to the specific areas in which you're the most vulnerable to temptation, and guard against temptation especially in those areas of your life. Surrender every part of your life to God and ask Him to help you grow stronger and more spiritually mature. Whenever something that you want conflicts with God's will for you, be willing to choose God's will instead of your own.

 

Overcome fear. You never need to fear anything, because God has your best interests at heart. Make God your absolute top priority by placing Him at the center of your life and basing all your decisions on your relationship with Him. Get to know God's Word well through frequent Bible reading, reflection, and study. Whenever you encounter evil lies that will trap you in fear if you believe them, counter them with biblical truth that will lead to freedom. Ask the Holy Spirit to renew your mind every day and help direct your thought process.

 

Break free of shame. The purpose of guilt is to bring you to God to deal with your sins. Once you've done that – through confession and repentance – you don't need to feel ashamed anymore. Identify moments in your life when you've felt shame and what you told yourself as a result. Then pray for God to heal your soul from the damage that shame has caused. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you – a valuable person worth of great love. Thank Jesus that He actually became shame as He died on the cross for the world's sins, so that He could offer you true freedom from shame once and for all.

 

Discover your purpose. No matter how inadequate you may feel or how disappointed you may be with your circumstances, nothing about your life is an accident. Look beyond what you can see to God and ask Him to show you His purposes for your life. Pray for the ability to see the great value in your life and to love your life as God loves it. Ask God to help you fulfill your potential in every part of your life. Know that you are chosen and loved. Your life matters. Embrace God's call, despite difficult circumstances, and follow wherever He leads you so you don't waste any of your great potential here on earth.

 

 

Trust more deeply. Whenever you need to risk trusting God more, remember who it is that you're called to trust: the One who created you, the Source of all love and power, and the One who wants the best for you. Be willing to follow Him step by step.

 

Enjoy God's love. Embrace God's limitless love for you, and let His love compel you to let go of whatever burdens you're holding onto so you can hold on only to God. Stop trying to find in others what can only be found in your relationship with God. Every day, ask God to give you a fresh revelation of His love for you, and thank Him for it.

 

See yourself as God sees you. Write a list of all the negative things you can remember people saying about you in the past – things that made you feel bad about yourself. Then pray over the list, asking God to heal your hurt and forgive those who hurt you. Tear up the list or burn it afterward. Ask God to help you view yourself accurately – from His perspective.

 

Embrace the hope God offers you. You are never too far away for God to reach, and your life is never broken beyond repair. Even when you've wandered away from God or felt abandoned, God had still been present with you. The very cells that hold your body together are in the shape of a cross. Reflect on that fact and let it lead you to the real hope God offers you because of Jesus' death on a cross. No matter how hopeless your current circumstances may seem, you always have hope because of your relationship with God through Jesus. Trusting in that hope will bring you the ultimate deliverance. Tear down strongholds of evil's influence in your life, invite the Holy Spirit to direct your thoughts, and make a habit of responding to God's hope by living faithfully for Him each day.

 

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Adapted from Let Go: Live Free of the Burdens All Women Know, copyright 2009 by Sheila Walsh. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tn., http://www.thomasnelson.com/.   

Sheila Walsh, a successful speaker, is author of the award-winning Gigi, God's Little Princess series, and other books such as The Heartache No One Sees, and Get off Your Knees & Pray. Sheila lives in Frisco, Texas, with her husband, Barry, and son, Christian.  

Lessons in Contentment

 

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

Here are four steps to develop contentment in your life.

 

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. When you compare your life with someone else's, the only place it can lead is toward discontentment. There will always be people who appear to be better off than you, but you don't know their real circumstances.

 

I recall counseling a husband many years ago, and he said he wished his wife could be more like so-and-so, and he named a woman in our congregation. What he didn't know is that the woman was a functioning alcoholic causing incredible heartache and stress for her family and for her husband.

That's why the Bible teaches it is unwise to compare (2 Corinthians 10:12).

 

 

2. Be grateful for who you are and what you have. Learning to be content requires that you stop any "when and then" thinking – "When I am ___________, then I'll be happy." (You fill in the blank.)

The reason we fall into this trap is that we may actually be content for a little while but it won't last. But, more than likely, someone else or something else will come along and drain the contentment from your life.

But listen, you are unique. God created you to be like nobody else, so why would you want to be anyone else. God is perfect, and you were his perfect choice to be you. Understanding that is a huge step toward being content with your life.

And then look at all the things God has given you. So often we allow what we don't have to so dominate our focus that we forget the many wonderful things we already have, not only material blessing, but far more important things, such as family and friends.

 

3. Give yourself to others. If you will begin giving yourself to others, sharing what things you do have, sharing your time and your talents, you will find yourself learning to be content. Helping others will give you an appreciation for what you have and who you are, but more importantly, you will find yourself growing content. Why? Because God designed us to serve and share with others, and until we do that, we will feel great discontent.

 

4. Focus on things with eternal value. The real secret to becoming content is to focus on the things that have eternal value. It may be a familiar teaching to you, but Jesus said we should store up our treasures in heaven, and not on earth "where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV).

Think about the things in your life: What will last forever? What will last at least for your lifetime? What will last a few short years, or months, or days? Based on eternal value, what things are most important in your life? Where – and with whom – should you put your most time and energy?

By re-organizing your life around eternal priorities, you'll find yourself growing in contentment as you live according to God's design and purpose.

 

 

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

How to Be Thankful in Tough Times

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

*** *** *** ***
1. Don't worry about anything. Worrying doesn't change anything. It's stewing without doing. There's no such thing as born worriers; worry is a learned response. You learned it from your parents. You learned it from your peers. You learned it from experience. That's good news. The fact that worry is learned means it can also be unlearned. Jesus says, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" (Matthew 6:34 NLT).

 

2. Pray about everything. Use the time you've spent worrying for praying. If you prayed as much as you worried, you'd have a whole lot less to worry about. Some people think God only cares about religious things, such as how many people I invite to church or my tithing. Is God interested in car payments? Yes. He's interested in every detail of your life. That means you can take any problem you face to God.

 

3. Thank God in all things. Whenever you pray, you should always pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love, but gratitude. It actually increases your immunities; it makes you more resistant to stress and less susceptible to illness. People who are grateful are happy. But people who are ungrateful are miserable because nothing makes them happy. They're never satisfied; it's never good enough. So if you cultivate the attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, it reduces stress in your life.

 

4. Think about the right things. If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think. The way you think determines how you feel, and the way you feel determines how you act. So if you want to change your life, you need to change what you're thinking about.

 

This involves a deliberate, conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things: focus on the positive and on God's Word. Why? Because the root cause of stress is the way you choose to think.

 

When we no longer worry, when we pray about everything, when we give thanks, when we focus on the right things, the apostle Paul tells us the result is, "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

What a guarantee! He is guaranteeing peace of mind.

 

© 2009 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved

God Has a Mission for Your Family

Crosswalk/ Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Ann Dunagan's book, The Mission-Minded Family: Releasing Your Family to God's Destiny, (Authentic Books, 2007).  

 

God's call to reach lost people with the Gospel is for all believers – adults and children alike. Your whole family can go on a lifelong mission together to share the hope found only in Christ. Answering God's call to focus your family outward can bless each of you as you all bless others.

 

Here's how you can pursue mission work as a family:

 

View your family as a vehicle for ministry. Your family isn't an obstacle to missions ministry work, and you don't have to neglect your family to pursue ministry. Your family can actually become stronger as all of your family members devote themselves as a team to serving others outside your family. Your family and missions work are compatible and mutually supportive of God's purposes. Your family can play a valuable role in helping to expand God's kingdom!

 

Seek God's plans rather than your own. Instead of asking God to bless your plans for your family, pray for God to show you His plans for your family. Then base your decisions on God's plans.

 

Release your kids. Let go of your own agendas for each of your kids' lives and be willing to accept whatever God wants for them, trusting that He knows what's best for them. Help your kids discover God's purposes for their lives, and encourage them to fulfill those purposes – no matter where God may take them in the process. Just as God released His Son for you, you need to release your kids daily to pursue His eternal purposes.

 

Focus on eternity. Rather than focusing on what you can accomplish in this world, focus on what you can accomplish that has eternal value. Be most concerned about pleasing God and preparing for the moment when you'll meet Him in heaven.

 

Live in submission. Submit yourself completely to God and His purposes for your lives. Trust and obey His guidance in every area of your lives – spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.

 

Strategically aim your family in the right direction. Get to know the specific spiritual gifts and natural talents of every member of your family. Then ask questions to help discover God's direction for your family as a team. Consider such questions as: "Is your family called to hospitality?", "Is your family called to active leadership within your local church?", "Is your family called to specifically impact your neighborhood?", and "Taking into account your family's specific gifts, abilities, and resources, what are ways you can participate in God's Great Commission?". As your kids grow, pay attention to how they're developing spiritually, mentally, and physically. Challenge them to take risks to try serving in new ways whenever you sense they're ready to do so.

 

 

Pay attention to life's rhythms. Alternate between work, rest, and play so your family won't be stressed by an unhealthy lifestyle. Devote your time and energy to various activities whenever God leads you to do so, and your family will achieve a healthy balance appropriate for different seasons of your life together. Check in with God about your schedule daily, since He sees the whole picture and can guide you to what's best for all concerned.

 

Intercede effectively for people in prayer. Pray regularly as a family for God's purposes to be released and fulfilled on earth. Acknowledge your sin and the fact that you can stand before God as a righteous person only because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross for you. Come to God with an attitude of total surrender and humility, keeping your heart clean and open before Him. Avoid broad, general, and vague requests. Instead, make your prayers specific, knowledgeable, and on target. Learn as much information as you can about the people or situations about which you're praying. Search the Bible for God's will and seek His direction on how best to pray. Make your prayers fervent and intense. Pray for lost people as if they're depending on your prayers and you're the only one praying for them. Create a prayer list your family can use together, to pray for individuals (like unsaved loved ones, and government leaders), ministries/organizations (like your church and school), and geographic areas (like your city and other nations). Use a two-fold strategy for intercession: First, come against evil and its influence on the people or situations for which you're praying. Then, pray for God's power to flow to accomplish the work He wants done. Whenever you sense God calling you to intercede in on an emergency basis, be willing to stop and pray right then and keep praying hard until the burden leaves and you get a sense of peace.

 

Use international holidays to help your family pray. Study the many different holidays throughout the world and the traditions around them. Then use specific days of the year to target different groups of people for prayer.

 

Manage your money to support missions well. Teach your kids the reality that all of your family's money – just like your time and talents – ultimately belongs to God. Allow the Holy Spirit to challenge every aspect of your lifestyle so you can make wise financial decisions for your family. Give generously to support full-time missionaries you know, and hold creative fundraisers to help earn more money for missions. If you and your family decide to become full-time missionaries yourselves, trust God for the financial provision you'll need.

 

Prepare and share testimonies. Encourage each family member to write down his or her own story of coming to faith in Christ and share it with other people effectively.

 

Plan creative outreach events. Think and pray about some innovative ways to gather people together to hear the Gospel. Have your kids reach other kids and plan some fun events for them.

 

Make use of your family's skills. The ways God can use you in ministry work are as diverse as the talents He has given you and the skills each of your family members possess. Try to connect each of your family's skills to some ministry work. If you've got computer skills, conduct training seminars or teach full-time missionaries how to use a new software program. If you can build well, take a missions trip and help construct a new church or orphanage. If you've got teaching skills, hold some workshops.

 

Release your family to God's destiny. Every day, renew your commitment to fulfill God's purposes in your lives. Work together the best you can, relying on God's strength, and look forward to the new adventures He has in store for you each day.

Published January 9, 2009.

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Adapted from The Mission-Minded Family: Releasing Your Family to God's Destiny, copyright 2007 by Ann Dunagan. Published by Authentic Books, a division of STL US, Colorado Springs, Co., http://www.authenticbooks.com/.         

Ann Dunagan is a homeschooling mother of seven and an international minister alongside her husband, Jon Dunagan. In 1986, Jon & Ann Dunagan founded Harvest Ministry. Ann has personally ministered in more than 25 countries throughout the world and she enjoys teaching children, speaking to women, and encouraging parents and teachers. The Dunagan family is based in Hood River, Oregon.

Loving Your Spouse's God-Given Personality

 

 

Joe Beam,Founder, LovePath International

resource: from CWalk

 

Over the last few days I've witnessed the same marital phenomena on four occasions. In each situation the wife and the husband had very different personalities. Of course, there's nothing unusual about that in it of itself. While roughly 80% of people in the USA marry someone who is similar to them in ethnicity, age (within 5 years), physical attractiveness, socio-economic status, and values, a large number of people marry someone dissimilar to themselves in personality or temperament. Theoretically, by marrying someone of similar background we accomplish a degree of familiarity that gives us comfort, but by marrying someone different in personality we "balance" ourselves in some ways.

 

So, it's not unusual to see that mates are very different while being very much alike. In my business I try to notice both similarities and differences, but I especially pay attention to the differences. The simplest method for evaluating differences (there are many, as you might imagine) is by evaluating two aspects of behavior:  

 

1. Does the person tend to process before acting or act before processing?

 

2. Does the person seem reserved and a little more difficult to get to know or does s/he seem open, affable, and easy to get to know?

 

This methodology has existed from roughly 300 B.C. so it's nothing new or novel. It does, however, work rather well in most cases. With those four criteria we can derive four basic temperaments. I call them: Commander, Communicator, Completer, and Calculator.

 

It would take many more pages than I have here to describe these temperaments and interactions. But let me address one small but important matter. It has to do with a common marital pairing: The Commander and the Completer.

 

The Commander tends to be a competitive person who is bottom-line-driven with a direct, let's-fix-it-now approach to life and a strong ego. 

 

The Completer tends to be a laid-back person who likes to think things through before acting, avoid conflict when possible and can be described as family-oriented, traditional, and loyal. You likely already see that these two temperaments paired together can lead to some unhappy situations.

 

Commanders will take risks. Completers hate risk and want security. Commanders want to fix things now, directly and bluntly. Completers want to leave it alone for a while and, if forced into conflict they aren't ready for, will often resort to passive/aggressive behavior.

 

This pairing can bring about many problems when the husband is the Commander and the wife is the Completer. But, in all four situations I witnessed recently, the problems were exacerbated because the wife was the Commander and the husband was the Completer. She wanted to address things immediately, communicate her thoughts bluntly, and force her husband to solve everything right now which in her estimation could be done if he would just do what she asked. He, on the other hand, wanted to stay very calm, think things through for a while and in some cases ignore the problem long enough for it to take care of itself.

 

In these situations the Commander gets frustrated and perhaps even feels vulnerable because her Completer won't stand up in face-to-face combat to resolve matters. In turn, the Completer feels disrespected, badly treated, and walked on. Usually, the Commander gets more forceful and strident as a problem remains unresolved while the Completer gets quieter and more reserved as he starts building a wall to protect himself from the Commander's intensity. Sound familiar?

 

Why is this interaction between husband and wife particularly problematic when the husband is the Completer and the wife the Commander? I'm not familiar with all the cultures in the world, but I've lived long enough in this country to understand ours. Americans tend to react negatively to strong, intense women because our culture expects the man to be the leader and the woman to be the follower. Yes, that is changing but it's still true in many situations. And Biblically-speaking, husbands are indeed called to be the spiritual heads of the family.

 

So, as much as it hurts for either partner to be forceful toward the one who doesn't share the same forceful temperament, it seems to be much more painful if it is the husband experiencing force from his wife. Culturally, even religiously, he sees himself as the leader and feels somewhat emasculated if he perceives she is usurping his responsibility. 

 

In each situation, I experienced great difficulty counseling the wife to stop degrading her husband through verbal attacks, countenance, and tone of voice. It appeared that at least in these four cases, each wife had lost respect for her husband because he wouldn't stand up to her strong personality and deal bluntly and directly with their problems. When I tried to explain that this forceful approach didn't fit his temperament, she replied that it should.

 

Does this mean that these Commander wives are insensitive? Well, it depends. Commanders can be insensitive to the effect their words have on others but extremely sensitive to anything said in reply and are prone to anger.

 

Does this sound like woman bashing? I hope not because that's not my goal. It usually takes two to create marital discord. And I've seen some of the very same problems with Commander husbands and Completer wives. It just seems that when the roles are reversed, the problems often intensify.

 

So what does a couple in this situation do to become happy? While no one can fix marital discord in one, brief article here are some basic truths that apply to all couples when dealing with their differences:

 

1. Understand your own temperament and the temperament of your spouse.

2. Understand what not to do when communicating with your spouse.  

3. Understand what to do when communicating with your spouse.

4. Learn and use a system of compromise that leads each of you to receive what makes you happy.

5. Follow through on this new understanding and methodology for the rest of your life.  

If these truths are properly understood and applied, couples typically won't end up in therapy or counseling. Often, all it takes is some careful study of your spouse to figure out what works best. And those who do find themselves in counseling can rectify their problems through an educational process. I know. I've seen it work repeatedly over the last decade.  

 

The bottom line: It's important to realize why your spouse reacts the way s/he does in certain situations. Is she feeling attacked? Is he? Is he feeling disrespected? Is she feeling unheard? Is one feeling overwhelmed with details and just wants the bottom line?

 

When we put ourselves in the place of the other in an attempt to understand, we often will find the best way to interact and negotiate so that feelings aren't hurt and misunderstandings don't take place. So strive to know why your spouse reacts in certain ways to what you say so that you can communicate in new ways that show respect, love and kindness.

 

Not only is it a more effective way to communicate, it is a more Christ-like way to communicate.

"...live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5: 2

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Read about more about the four temperemants in Joe's new book Your LovePath (to be released in Jan. '09).

Joe Beam is a best selling author and an internationally known marriage expert. He founded LovePath International, an organization that works to save marriage relationships from separation, divorce and relationship problems. If your marriage needs help, please visit http://www.lovepathinternational.com.

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