Become a Wife of Goodwill

 

Sandy Coughlin

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2: 14

"Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright." Proverbs 14: 9

After seventeen years of marriage, I can look back and say that it was my job to love my husband, Paul. Not to change him. It's God's job to make him good and my responsibility to express goodwill – not condemnation.

Was I a woman of goodwill?

I was tested by this "goodwill" question when I married a Christian Nice Guy (CNG) seventeen years ago.  A CNG, you might ask?  Let me explain. I didn't realize that the daily abuse my husband suffered as a child would affect our everyday life together. What I thought were such "nice" Christian qualities in my husband when we married turned into frustrations and fireworks because of my husband's passive approach to life. Oh, don't get me wrong.  My husband had amazing qualities, so that to this day I have never looked back. 

What exactly is goodwill in a marriage?

Goodwill is a tangible, practical expression of love. Helpfulness, concern, care, friendly disposition – are all related to goodwill and all lead to intimacy.  It is the willingness to act in a spirit of cooperation, instead of trying to win arguments. It is proactive, alive, and dynamic. Goodwill is not a passive attribute. Goodwill is among the most concrete ways of expressing love and fostering intimacy, yet when we think about this word, we think of used clothing. 

How do you know if you have it?

The "will to do good" toward your spouse is more than having good feelings for him (thank goodness). Though good feelings are important, goodwill also includes kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, and practical support. This is wonderful news for CNG wives, because controlling how we feel is often harder than exerting our will to determine our good actions. 

It's okay and even normal to have mixed feelings about your husband at times. For me, being an assertive woman, I found myself frustrated in this passive marriage. My husband lived under the radar of life. He felt that if he lived life safely, his problems would be few. And this affected the intimacy between us, though we both yearned for more depth in our relationship.

Intimacy is a choice, and you have to be available, present and vulnerable with one another. My CNG didn't always feel safe with me, so it was easier for him to not always "show up."  It was difficult for him to make his wants and needs known and he didn't always come clean with how he felt.  In turn, I often found myself walking on eggshells - not a fun way to live.

 

How do you lose goodwill?

Goodwill, present in most marriages when vows are exchanged, can become virtually buried under the rubble of anger, resentment and dwindling respect that builds over time.  Coming to terms with these emotions is vital if you're going to give your efforts toward helping intimacy grow.

If you lack goodwill, take up the task of becoming a worthy steward of your husband's heart. It worked for me. I learned to be more supportive and understanding of my husband's wacky past, and I started pulling out my secret weapon – empathy.  I became a woman of goodwill when I made an effort to understand Paul more, and I stopped the nagging, coercing, attacking and shaming which only pushed him further from me.

I came to the understanding that passive people are made (through life's experiences), and not born.  As I  started becoming more empathetic toward Paul, my respect strengthened. I increasingly was able to see his struggles in a healthier light. My respect for him was enhanced even more once he started being more open and honest and he began to exert his will and express his feelings. 

When it comes to love and intimacy, goodwill is like silverware: Almost everyone can learn how to use it, even though we weren't born knowing how, and even though some of us took a long time to try it. Goodwill is remarkably practical and beneficial for those who produce it and receive it.

(excerpts taken from Married but Not Engaged, Bethany House, 2006)

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Sandy Coughlin is a wife and mother of 3. She loves her family and loves blessing other people's lives by entertaining in her home. Sandy's husband, Paul, (who used to be the reluctant entertainer) has come on board, and they often offer hospitality together. Sandy and Paul co-authored a book called Married but Not Engaged(Bethany House, Aug. 2006). It's written to women who are married to "checked out" or emotionally absent men and who want to create a more satisfying, intimate relationship. This article was adapted from Sandy's regularly updated blog "4 Reluctant Entertainers," which you can visit at www.reluctantentertainer.com. Get more information on Married but Not Engaged by clicking here. Visit Paul's website at: http://www.paulcoughlin.net/

Have a 'Clean Slate' Marriage in '09

April Motl 

source: CW
 
Have you ever noticed how no one ever starts a new diet on a Friday?  Nope. We all know that Monday is the day to start a new diet. Along that same vein, most of us "know" the first of the month is the time to begin a new financial habit and the New Year is the time we wipe the slate clean and start fresh in just about every area of our lives. There isn't anything magical about January 1st but we seem to honor it as the day of new beginnings. 

New beginnings are great, but there is a whole lot more to wiping the slate clean than just turning the page on the calendar. Take our marriages for example.

Marriage is a complex and wonderful relationship that at its best reflects a constant state of "clean slate" thinking and interaction.  God's design for marriage was to mirror His love for us -- a love that is constantly faithful to forgive us and freely invites us into His loving presence to experience a deeper relationship with Him. Despite our calling to imitate God's "clean slate" love, it is easy to fall short in our marriages. And over time, failing to love each other as God loves us can become "just the way things are" in our marriages. 

Maintaining a clean slate marriage is not simply about having an absence of offenses in your relationship. It is having a fresh stream of living water running through the heart of your relationship at all times. As we formulate New Year's resolutions to shed pounds, get organized and send birthday cards to all our friends and family on time this year (I always mess that one up!), we ought to also evaluate the state of our marriage. What is the fuel our relationship runs on? Where is our marriage headed? How are we growing? What is great about us as a couple? What isn't? 

If we want to have marriages with streams of Living Water running through the center, we need to honestly assess a few things:
1. Have you asked Jesus to be your personal Lord and Savior?  He promises Living Water to spring up in the dry places in your heart when you accept His sacrifice and invite Him into your life (John 4:14).  If your spouse has not begun a relationship with Jesus, don't give up hope.  Pray for them diligently!

2. Do you seek Him daily through His Word?  When we read, believe and act on the Bible the broken places in us as individuals and in our marriages can be washed clean (Ephesians 5:26, Romans 12:2).  How much time do you read the Bible or Christian books together as a couple?  It has taken my husband and I a lot of energy and focus to maintain a habit of reading together (and we don't do it perfectly) but the blessings are incalculable.  It draws us together, gives us perspective and grows us.

3. Do you pray together everyday?  Studies have shown that couples who pray together, stay together!  When my husband and I pray together we are drawn near to each other in honesty as we come before our Lord and all the worries and concerns are openly discussed with our Father.  Sometimes busyness, tone of voice and all sorts of little daily things can cloud how we perceive our spouse's love and support.  When I hear my husband petition the Father on my behalf I see his love for me clearly.  When I hear him lift up a weakness or mistake I can perceive his heart on the matter more plainly than I might in a discussion or just watching him go about life.  Prayer is for us to communicate with God; not each other.  But it can bless us to be prayed with and for by our spouse. 

4. Do you regularly forgive your spouse?  Bitter water can spring up between you when harsh words are exchanged, when confidences are broken and offenses racked up.  Forgiving and asking for forgiveness will clean away the junk that can pile up between you and your spouse (1 John 1:9).

 

5. Are the things you devote your time and attention to constructive to your marriage?  My husband and I have to fight the "demands of the daily" to take our weekly date nights (which might consist of staying home and just enjoying each other's company without interruption instead of an expensive night on the town).  Things like TV, video games, the phone, internet, etc can steal away hours that could have been spent in something that would bear fruit.  These things are not bad in and of themselves, but they can distract and eventually dry up that abundant stream that is supposed to flow through the heart of a marriage. 

Having a clean slate in marriage isn't about dates on a calendar.  It is about the attitude we carry in our hearts toward one another and the things we allow to flow through the center of our relationship.  It is about treasuring your relationship enough to devote the energy and purpose to guard the quality of your marriage.  May rivers of abundant love, joy and peace flow through the heart of your marriage in 2009!

 

 

For a free list of 31 ways to cultivate a "clean slate marriage" contact us at info@InHisEyesMinistries.com.
April Motl and her husband, Eric, minister at their church in Southern California where he is a pastor on staff.  April is the founder of In His Eyes Ministries; a teaching ministry devoted to helping women see their life from God's perspective. For more information about the ministry visit www.InHisEyesMinistries.com

How to make your church guest-friendly

y RW

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A guest's first 12 minutes dramatically influence whether they're coming back or not. You never get a second chance to make

a first impression.

 

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There are a lot of reasons a church might grow. Sometimes people come because of the preaching. Sometimes people come because of the music. Some people like the great programs for kids and youth.

 

But I'm convinced there's an often overlooked factor in church growth: Growing churches are friendly to guests. All churches think they're friendly, but when you take a good look at them, you often discover they're friendly to people who have been attending for 15 years or more – not to new people.

 

A guest's first 12 minutes dramatically influence whether they're coming back or not. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. When non-Christians come to your church for the first time, their number one emotion is fear. What will people think? What are they going to do? Am I going to have to sign something, sing something, sacrifice something, or say something? They don't know what's going on, and they're scared to death.

 

Your first goal with guests (and by the way, I never call them visitors) is to get them to relax. Then you can communicate with them. When people are afraid, their barriers are up and it's like, "I dare you to teach me something!" No matter how good your sermon is, they won't listen to the Good News about Jesus until they get past those fears. You need to put guests at ease.

How do you do that? Here are some ideas:

 

Reserve your best parking spots for guests. It just shows you're thinking about them. If you had guests for dinner at your house, you'd probably do whatever it took to make them feel more comfortable. You'd give them your best silverware and your best dishes. You might ask them about food preferences before you plan the meal. You should show the same type of courtesies to guests at your church.

 

Station greeters outside your building. You need people strategically placed around your campus to greet guests. At Saddleback, we used to play a game. I would dare people to get into the building without having their hand shaken at least three times. We place greeters way out in the parking lot. Why? We've found that people hate to be greeted publicly during the service, but they love to be greeted personally.

 

Set up an information table. Put all sorts of information on the table that might help people find their way around. Put maps out with classrooms and restrooms easily marked. Put out brochures about the church that give people information they can take home and read at their convenience. Most importantly, have hosts stationed there to help people find their way around. Make sure your hosts know where the restrooms are and where the children should go!

 

Have taped music playing when people enter. In America almost every public building has music playing. Even in the elevator, music is playing. You go into the restroom and music is playing. You go into a restaurant and music is playing. Why? Because people expect to hear music. If you walked into a church right now and everyone was dead silent when you walked in, you'd probably be uncomfortable. On the other hand, if you heard fairly loud praise music playing, you'd feel much more comfortable.

 

Here's something interesting I've found: If you play soft music, people talk softly. But if you play loud music, people talk louder. When non-Christians come into your church, they want it to be noisy. They want to hear what's going on.

 

Allow guests to remain anonymous in the service. Please don't make guests stand up. The three greatest fears people have are going to a party with strangers, having to speak before a crowd, and being asked personal questions in public. So when we ask our guests to tell us their name and where they are from in front of everyone, we subject them to all three of their greatest fears at one time. Bad idea.

 

How do you identify guests if you don't have them stand up? Have them fill out a welcome card. Then someone from the church can connect with them later.

 

Offer a warm, casual public welcome that relaxes people. If you want to make guests feel welcome, you've got to be at ease yourself. That's what most people expect – just watch the late-night TV shows. Like it or not, how the pastor and the worship leader interact with each other sets the tone for good or for bad in a service.

 

In early years at Saddleback we used to say, "If this is your first time at Saddleback, we're glad you're here. We want you take a deep breath, sit back, relax, and enjoy the service." You know where I got that? I heard someone say it on an airline once! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. All we're trying to do is help them relax and then make them feel comfortable.

 

Begin and end each service by having people greet each other. Five times in the New Testament Christians are told to greet one another and share affection. I'll say during the service, "Turn around and give somebody a hug. Turn around and give somebody a handshake." I've been told by some that's the only physical touch they get all week. And human beings need touch. It's a great way to help lower the barriers of your guests.

 

Offer a refreshment table at each service. Today in our society, it's not appropriate to just stand in a crowd doing nothing. You have to have something in your hand. That's why they have cocktail parties. People like to have something in their hand when they're hanging out and mingling. Out on the patio, I'll see a 300-pound guy who thinks he's hiding behind a Styrofoam cup! He's very comfortable as long as he has something in his hand if somebody looks at him and he's not talking.

 

You have to break down the fear barriers before people will ever open up to your message and consider coming back to your church. Try these guest-friendly tips in coming weeks, and help your church grow in 2009.

15 Things I Have Learned from My Father

John Piper .......Desiring God
from Crosswalk

Since my father died on March 6 of last year, I have been looking
through his papers. I found a small sheet with the following fifteen
counsels, titled "Things I Have Learned." He didn't make most of these
up. Some of them go back to his college days when he was absorbing the
pithy wisdom of Bob Jones Senior. They have again confirmed the
obvious: I owe my father more than I can ever remember. The comment
after each one is mine.

Things I Have Learned

1. The right road always leads to the right place; therefore, get on
the right road and go as far as you can on it.

My father was totally persuaded that wrong means do not lead to right
ends. Or, more positively, he was persuaded that living in the right
way — that is, doing the right things — are means that inevitably lead
to where God wants us to be. This is why he told me, when I asked
about God's leading in my life, "Son, keep the room clean where you
are, and in God's time, the door to the next room will open."

2. There is only one thing to do about anything; that is the right
thing. Do right.

This is what one might say to a person perplexed by a difficult
situation whose outcome is unknown. The person might say, "I just
don't know what to do about this." It is not useless to be told: Do
the right thing. That may not tell you exactly which good thing to do,
but it does clear the air and rule out a few dozen bad ideas.

3. Happiness is not found by looking for it. You stumble over
happiness on the road to duty.

My, my, my. How was John Piper born from this? I would never say this.
The main reason is that the Bible commands us to pursue our joy
repeatedly. "Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice." "Delight
yourself in the Lord." I think what he meant was: 1) Joy is always in
something. Joy itself is not the something. So we seek joy in Christ.
Not just joy in general. 2) When duty is hard and we do not feel joy
in doing it, we should still do it, and pray that in the doing it the
joy would be given. But what we need to make plain is that duty cannot
be contrasted with joy, because joy is a biblical duty.

4. The door to success swings on the hinges of opposition.

Remarkably, this saying implies that opposition is not just a natural
accompaniment or antecedent of success, but that it is a means by
which the door opens. One can think of many biblical examples. The
opposition of Joseph's brothers opened the door to his leadership in
Egypt. The taxing of the empire opened the door to getting the Messiah
born in Bethlehem, not Nazareth, and thus fulfilling prophecy. The
betrayal of Judas opened the door to the salvation of the world.

5. God in the right place in my life fixes every other relationship of
life (Matthew 6:33).

I wonder if this was tucked away in my mind so that unknown to me it
controlled my analogy of the solar system to our many-faceted lives.
If God is the blazing center of the solar system of our lives, then
all the planets will be held in their proper orbit. But if not,
everything goes awry.

6. It is never right to get the right thing in the wrong way — like
good grades, wealth, power, position. Don't sacrifice your principles.

Again, he hammers away at don't use bad means for good ends. Be a
principled, not a pragmatic, person. O how we need to hear this today.
Churches need to be principled, not endlessly adapting to culture.
Persons need to make a promise and keep it no matter how much it
hurts.

7. It is a sin to do less than your best. It is wrong to do [merely] well.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might" (Ecclesiastes
9:10). But be careful. Sometimes the "best" is a B+ sermon and
spending time with your child. In other words, "best" always involves
more decisions than the one you are making at the moment. That one
means many other things are being left undone. So "best" is always the
whole thing, not just the detail of the moment.

8. It is wrong to be yoked to one who refuses the yoke of Christ.

Don't marry an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:39). Not all relationships
with unbelievers are ruled out. Otherwise we could not obey Jesus'
command to love them and bless them. But "yoke" implies a
connectedness that either governs where we go or constrains where they
go. And you cannot constrain faith in Jesus. It is free.

9. The part of your character that is deficient is the part that needs
attention.

This is the counterpoint to the advice: Go with your strengths. There
is truth in both. Yes, be encouraged by every evidence of God's grace
in your life, and use your gifts and graces for his glory. But you
will become smug and vain if you do not keep your deficiencies before
you and work on them.

10. Don't quit. Finish the job. God can't use a quitter.

Warning: "He who endures to the end will be saved" (Mark 13:13).
Promise: "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion
at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6).

11. Anything you do that hinders your progress for God is wrong.

O how thankful I am that this was the dominant way my father pressed
me to pursue my sanctification. He did not mainly impose lists of
don'ts on me, though we had them. And they were clear. Mainly he said:
Maximize your progress in knowing and serving God. That ruled out a
hundred foolish behaviors, some bad and some uselessly innocent.

12. Beware of any society in which you feel compelled to put a bushel
over your testimony.

This implies that you can go into a group of people who are evil if
you are willing to open your mouth and take a stand for Jesus and
righteousness. Nevertheless, 1 Corinthians 15:33 stands: "Do not be
deceived: 'Bad company ruins good morals.'"

13. It isn't enough to be good. Be good for something. The essence of
Christianity is not a passionless purity.

This is what I have meant in talking about a merely avoidance ethic.
Don't just think of righteousness or holiness in terms of what you
avoid, but what you do. As my father said in another place: Don't be a
don'ter; be a doer.

14. Positive living produces negative effect[s].

This is wise counsel that affirmation of the good always implies
negation of the bad. If you think you can live your life without
negating anything, you have lost touch with reality. "Abhor what is
evil; hold fast to what is good" (Romans 12:9). You cannot love
without hating what hurts the beloved.

15. Learn to be sweetly firm.

This was what he said to my mother over the phone when she was
exasperated with her one disobedient son: Be sweet and firm. I think
she succeeded.

With abiding and deep thankfulness for my father's wisdom,

Pastor John

By John Piper. (c) Desiring God. Website: www.desiringGod.org. Email:
mail@desiringGod.org. Toll Free: 1.888.346.4700.

Mentoring Women - Passing the Torch

Selections from Titus 2

source: Lifeway

Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, good homemakers, and submissive to their husbands, so that God's message will not be slandered. For the grace of God has appeared, with salvation for all people, instructing us to deny godlessness and worldly lusts and to live in a sensible, righteous, and godly way in the present age, while we wait for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Why should today's young people have to learn their lessons the hard way, when we've already walked so many of the same pathways, felt so many of the same pressures, seen so many of the Lord's promises come true? So many of them need us so much.
Few of us really think we have a lot to say to others. Our lives because they're ours, the only eyes we've ever looked through can seem quite ordinary, uneventful, unimportant. But we have something we can share things no one else has seen quite the way we've seen them. Even our fears and failures even the ones we struggle with at this very moment are object lessons that have much to teach, to reveal, to inspire. We can't do everything, but can we do anything more valuable than invest ourselves in another?

Look At It This Way ...
My dear Mom Cunningham schooled me not in a class or seminar, or even primarily by her words. It was what she was that taught me. It was her availability to God. It was the surrender of her time. It was her readiness to get involved, to lay down her life for one anxious Bible school girl. Above all, she herself, a simple Scottish woman, was the message.

Think of the vast number of older women today. We live longer now than we did forty years ago. There is more mobility, more money around, more leisure, more health and strength resources which, if put at God's disposal, might bless younger women. But there are also many more ways to spend those resources, so we find it very easy to occupy ourselves selfishly. Where are the women, single or married, willing to hear God's call to spiritual motherhood, taking spiritual daughters under their wings to school them as Mom Cunningham did me? She had no training the world would recognize. She simply loved God and was willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine for his sake. Retirement never crossed her mind. - Elisabeth Elliot

A Final Thought:
Can you imagine what would happen if each of us found some teenagers in our churches, schools, or neighborhoods, and began opening our hearts to them in godly discipleship?

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)

by Rick Warren

You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:2 (NIV)

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Sometimes the biggest conflicts in marriage are over the most trivial issues. One of the silliest fights Kay and I ever had was over bath soap.

If you're going to pull together when you're pulled apart, you have to:

Call on God for help.

Pray about it. Before you go to your spouse about the problem, discuss it with God. This may solve the problem right there. Practice what I call "ventilating vertically." Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say, "Here's how I feel," and you just lay it out.

James 4:2 teaches, "You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God" (NIV). Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.

Confess your part of the conflict.

Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask, "How much of this conflict is my fault? I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part. When you're wrong, admit it. And when you're right, shut up!

Be honest. Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck in another's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? … First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly" (GNT).

I need to ask, "Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?"

Tomorrow we'll look at two more steps to resolving conflict with your spouse.

 

(to be con't..)

Where the Golden Rule Doesn’t Apply in Marriage

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg

source: Crosswalk 

It's the understatement of all understatements: Men and women are different! If we tried to get into all the way in which we're different, we'd need a lot more space than we have in this article, that's for sure! So instead, we're going to focus on one area: Sex.

 

Most of us live with a Golden-Rule mentality in our sex lives: "If I treat my spouse the way I want to be treated, then we'll be happy and have a fulfilling sex life." But as you've probably discovered, men and women just don't have the same needs when it comes to sexual intimacy.

 

And here's the thing: We've found that the problem isn't that couples don't know about gender differences. The problem is that even though we recognize the differences – many of us never take the time to study, appreciate, and pursue those differences as being good and worthy. Instead, many couples continue to assume that the wife will respond like a husband, and the husband will respond like a wife.  There's that Golden-Rule mentality again! If you've bought into that line of thinking, let us remind you: That is never going to happen. Period. It's that simple.

 

So what should a couple do? Should they resign themselves to experiencing a boring – or nonexistent – sex life? No! We want to encourage you to learn about and appreciate the differences between you and your mate. The truth is, God made us different, but he also made us to be complementary – to balance each other, to fit together, to make us one.

 

To meet our needs, we have to meet our spouses' needs. They are ultimately connected. Of course, that's not to say that men only want the physical and women only want the emotional. Both need both. It's just that God wired us to get both by coming at it from two distinct ways.

 

So how did God do that? Let's get into a little bit of science to show you just how God wired us to be two parts of a satisfying whole. A woman's hormones make her brain better wired for romance and intimacy. One of those hormones is oxytocin – it's also known as the "cuddling hormone" because it elicits the need to be close and bond, but not in a sexual way. Well, as you probably guessed, a man's level of oxytocin is much lower than a woman's – sometimes ten times lower! In fact, the only time a man's oxytocin levels approach the same level as a woman's is directly after sexual intimacy.[i]

 

God wired a man to feel connected to his wife through sex. The physical act of sex opens his feelings and allows him to become more vulnerable. Sex gives him a sense of closeness and intimacy. He is better able to concentrate on such things as his emotions. God wired a woman to feel connected to her husband by experiencing emotional connection. Emotional connection gives her a sense of safety. She is better able to give herself to physical sex. 

 

God made husbands and wives to complement each other: A husband invites his wife into intimacy through sex, and a wife invites her husband into intimacy through emotional connection. Together, they make a satisfying whole.

 

Ultimately, through sexual intimacy – emotionally and physically connecting – God calls us to be vulnerable and to serve each other. He calls on men to connect emotionally with their wives in order to have their physical needs met; he calls on women to connect physically with their husbands in order to have their emotional needs met. It involves tension, to be sure. But it's also exciting!

 

The exciting reality about sexual intimacy is that God made us different to spice things up! And ultimately, those differences teach us about serving the other person. When we give our spouses what they need – not what we think they want or need – then we fulfill God's design for sexual intimacy. And the reward is that together we experience true intimacy.

 

What we have to realize is that our different ways of approaching sexual intimacy are okay – and normal – because God made us different… on purpose. And that's a good thing. We waste so much time and energy trying to shape our spouses into sexual clones of ourselves. Then we wonder why we're frustrated and disappointed with our sex lives! So rather than growing frustrated and upset, taking it out on each other, walking away, and pouting, take those opportunities to accept that our approaches to intimacy are going to be different.

 

The reality is that we often want the same things. Our deepest desire, whether we're male or female, is ultimately to become one. He wants intercourse; she wants intercourse. He may want physical intercourse more than she does, and she may want emotional intercourse more than he does, but when a couple can meld physical and emotional intercourse, they will find the pathway to greater intimacy.

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Portions of this article were adapted from "The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women," Copyright 2006 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, all rights reserved.  Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., www.tyndale.com.  To order this resource or to find our more about Dr. Gary and Barb – Your Marriage Coaches, visit www.drgaryandbarb.com or call 1-888-608-COACH. 

[i]  Michael Gurian, What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works (St. Martin's Press, 2004): 109. Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc, 2006) http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=bizarre&id=4641863