Why Aren’t Christians Smarter?

Andrew Tallman

"The Andrew Tallman Show," KPXQ-Phoenix

 

Have you ever wondered why Christians aren't smarter? I mean, we have the only true religion, we have a Book which is responsible for all of Western Civilization, and we serve a God who can safely call Himself the supreme champion at every trivia contest. So why aren't we smarter? Well, the reasons are many, but the goal of changing that condition is the driving passion of my life. Having taught college philosophy, my background is in equipping people to think better, and I used to think that talent was best used in the secular world. Three years ago, however, I was persuaded by some good counsel to turn my attention toward the Body of Christ, and that's why I came to Phoenix to do my radio show weekdays from 5 to 7 p.m. on AM 1360 KPXQ.

 

 

Not thinking well is a sin.

God commands us very simply: Love Him with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind. Catch that last part … with all our mind. This means thinking is not optional for the Christian. Thinking, and thinking well, is a form of worship of God which is nothing short of obedience to His primary command. Hence, if we do not "use the brain God gave you," (my mom's favorite rhetorical chastisement), we are sinning.

 

 

Not thinking well is a scandal.

The most pervasive myth about Christianity is that it is incompatible with intelligence.

 

This is what I believed before I became one, and it made me not want to be one. I say it is a myth both because nothing demands more thinking capacity than being a faithful Christian and also because our history is rich with intellectual giants.

 

Nonetheless, Christianity has a reputation as a religion for fools, and this is at least partially our own fault. By offering empty platitudes such as, "Well, you have to have faith," when challenged with difficult questions, outsiders can be forgiven for forming the impression that what we really mean is, "Well, you have to be stupid." This puts people in the painful situation of feeling like they have to choose between their mind and God. Also, it makes Christianity offensive to the smartest people in society, who tend to be culture's greatest influencers. Thus, simply showing non-Christians that one can be both smart and faithful is a powerful form of evangelism.

 

 

Fishers not just fish-eaters.

"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime." Simple. Obvious. But, all too often, it's not the guiding principle of Christian education.

 

Christians can be so concerned about having the right answers (good doctrine), that we fail to teach people the thinking skills and patterns which would lead them to these and other true conclusions. They may have the unreliable dogmatism which comes from mere repetition, but they lack the true confidence which comes from deep and honest examination of an idea. Sadly, it also means they do not have the ability to discover new answers for themselves in novel situations.

 

On my radio show, I deliberately do not provide people many answers because I am more interested in helping people learn how to think than I am in telling them what to think. My confidence is high that such ability will ultimately get them to the right place, and it will be a place of true security as well.

 

 

Disciples, not an audience.

Jesus mentored His disciples. He interacted with them. He answered their questions. He joked with them. And He corrected them. He didn't lecture them. He lectured the masses. And I think the reason is simple. A lecture is not the ideal form of education.

 

The reasons are many. If a listener doesn't like what is being said, he can simply ignore it. If he doesn't understand or if he disagrees, he cannot easily inquire of the speaker. Because such questions go unanswered, other people miss out on having these questions answered. When the teacher fields questions, he replaces his own assumptions about his audience with real knowledge and can more accurately tune his teaching to the real needs they have.

 

Finally, I believe in collaboration rather than solo performances. Although I think I have many reliable insights worth saying, I'd rather talk with people and work together toward truth instead of just trusting in my own ideas too much. So my show is built around discussion rather than presentation. I am working with my listeners to fashion a product together rather than simply distributing to them a prefabricated one.

 

 

Haggling, not purchasing.

In the Mediterranean culture of the Bible, haggling was a way of life—and such negotiations provide a great way of coming to know someone. The process of haggling gains both friends and sharper minds. We are often baffled by this when we travel to that part of the world because Americans are so transaction oriented. "I agree," "I disagree," "I will buy," or "I will not buy." We are very comfortable with these types of shallow interactions. In the Mediterranean, the sellers understand that the product is insignificant compared with the relationship its sale can create.

 

In contrast, I think Americans are too concerned with conclusions instead of relationships. Thus, the key in my show is to find stimulating topics which cause people to want to talk with each other and build friendships. Whether we agree is not so much the issue, but whether we are able to love each other while we disagree and talk about it. That matters.

 

 

In conclusion

I was concerned when I took this job—concerned that my fellow Christians wouldn't endure me because they wanted their own ideas reinforced rather than examined and challenged. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered vast numbers of Christians who were excited about the prospect of being made to think, even if they didn't always agree with me. And so my audience and I have created an environment where we love each other not because we agree all the time, but because we enjoy the experience of talking it over together. Every day we collaborate to show that theology, like a good relationship, is not something to be purchased or rejected, but something to be enjoyed … together.

Andrew Tallman is the host of The Andrew Tallman Show and a columnist. Andrew's show is heard daily on KPXQ in Phoenix. Contact him at andrewtallman@kpxq1360.com. This commentary originally posted on January 8, 2008.

Let Go of Your Burdens

Whitney Hopler/Crosswalk

The following is a report on the practical applications of Sheila Walsh's new book, Let Go: Live Free of the Burdens All Women Know, (Thomas Nelson, 2008).

 

God stands ready to deliver you from whatever burdens you're carrying – from health struggles to financial problems. But unlike the sudden rescue you may be hoping for, your deliverance may come in the form of a process instead. Yes, God could intervene just once and remove your problems. Often, though, He chooses to walk beside you as you carry your burdens, helping you gradually learn to trust Him enough to give them over to Him.

 

Here's how you can let go of your burdens:

 

Be open to any outcome. Rather than trying to convince God to answer your prayers in a certain way, tell God that you trust Him to do what's best. You can't know what your deliverance will look like or when it will come, but God does. Imagine Jesus hanging on the cross, and yourself approaching Him while carrying your burdens. Then, in prayer, leave those burdens at the foot of the cross for Him to handle.

 

Eat fresh-baked grace every day. God will give you fresh grace for each day that will strengthen you to overcome whatever challenges you face. Pray for His grace each morning. Remember these graceful truths: God loves you as you are right at this moment; He knows all about you and loves you anyway; He forgives you even when you can't forgive yourself; and there is nothing you can do to make God love you any more or less than He already does.

 

Break free of judging. Stop judging other people, and don't let other people's judgment of you make you feel condemned. Instead, embrace the grace that God so freely offers to you, and extend grace to others. Ask God to heal your heart from legalism and shame. Enjoy the freedom that God's grace makes possible in your life.

 

Give up what should have been for what is and what can be. Don't be so preoccupied with regretting your past that you can't fully live in the present or move into the future with confidence. Pursue healing for your pain from the past. Ask God to help you change negative habits into positive ones. Pray for the discernment you need to identify evil lies and reject them in Jesus' name. Ask God to redeem your scars from past wounds for the sake of His kingdom.

 

Look at reality. Let go of what you wish was true and accept what actually is true about your life right now. Hold onto the reality that God is with you in the middle of your circumstances. Ask Him to help you become more aware of His presence and notice His work in your life, even though all is not as you'd like it to be right now.

 

Forgive others. Get rid of bitterness that poisons your soul by forgiving people who have hurt you in the past. Rely on God's help to go through the process; you can count on Him to empower you. Let your gratitude for all that God has forgiven you for motivate you to obey His command to forgive other people. Renounce your right to get even with those who have hurt you and choose to forgive, no matter how you feel. Trust God to heal you as He helps you forgive.

 

Forgive yourself. Confess your sins regularly, repent of them by turning away from them and toward God, and accept the forgiveness God offers you as a result. Whenever you remember your sins after that, view them simply as reminders of God's grace and mercy to you.

Resist temptation. Ask God to help you avoid going down easier paths than the ones that will truly honor Him. Realize that giving into temptation will harm you and cause you to lose the opportunity to invite God to work for a greater good in your life. Be alert to the specific areas in which you're the most vulnerable to temptation, and guard against temptation especially in those areas of your life. Surrender every part of your life to God and ask Him to help you grow stronger and more spiritually mature. Whenever something that you want conflicts with God's will for you, be willing to choose God's will instead of your own.

 

Overcome fear. You never need to fear anything, because God has your best interests at heart. Make God your absolute top priority by placing Him at the center of your life and basing all your decisions on your relationship with Him. Get to know God's Word well through frequent Bible reading, reflection, and study. Whenever you encounter evil lies that will trap you in fear if you believe them, counter them with biblical truth that will lead to freedom. Ask the Holy Spirit to renew your mind every day and help direct your thought process.

 

Break free of shame. The purpose of guilt is to bring you to God to deal with your sins. Once you've done that – through confession and repentance – you don't need to feel ashamed anymore. Identify moments in your life when you've felt shame and what you told yourself as a result. Then pray for God to heal your soul from the damage that shame has caused. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you – a valuable person worth of great love. Thank Jesus that He actually became shame as He died on the cross for the world's sins, so that He could offer you true freedom from shame once and for all.

 

Discover your purpose. No matter how inadequate you may feel or how disappointed you may be with your circumstances, nothing about your life is an accident. Look beyond what you can see to God and ask Him to show you His purposes for your life. Pray for the ability to see the great value in your life and to love your life as God loves it. Ask God to help you fulfill your potential in every part of your life. Know that you are chosen and loved. Your life matters. Embrace God's call, despite difficult circumstances, and follow wherever He leads you so you don't waste any of your great potential here on earth.

 

 

Trust more deeply. Whenever you need to risk trusting God more, remember who it is that you're called to trust: the One who created you, the Source of all love and power, and the One who wants the best for you. Be willing to follow Him step by step.

 

Enjoy God's love. Embrace God's limitless love for you, and let His love compel you to let go of whatever burdens you're holding onto so you can hold on only to God. Stop trying to find in others what can only be found in your relationship with God. Every day, ask God to give you a fresh revelation of His love for you, and thank Him for it.

 

See yourself as God sees you. Write a list of all the negative things you can remember people saying about you in the past – things that made you feel bad about yourself. Then pray over the list, asking God to heal your hurt and forgive those who hurt you. Tear up the list or burn it afterward. Ask God to help you view yourself accurately – from His perspective.

 

Embrace the hope God offers you. You are never too far away for God to reach, and your life is never broken beyond repair. Even when you've wandered away from God or felt abandoned, God had still been present with you. The very cells that hold your body together are in the shape of a cross. Reflect on that fact and let it lead you to the real hope God offers you because of Jesus' death on a cross. No matter how hopeless your current circumstances may seem, you always have hope because of your relationship with God through Jesus. Trusting in that hope will bring you the ultimate deliverance. Tear down strongholds of evil's influence in your life, invite the Holy Spirit to direct your thoughts, and make a habit of responding to God's hope by living faithfully for Him each day.

 

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Adapted from Let Go: Live Free of the Burdens All Women Know, copyright 2009 by Sheila Walsh. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tn., http://www.thomasnelson.com/.   

Sheila Walsh, a successful speaker, is author of the award-winning Gigi, God's Little Princess series, and other books such as The Heartache No One Sees, and Get off Your Knees & Pray. Sheila lives in Frisco, Texas, with her husband, Barry, and son, Christian.  

Lessons in Contentment

 

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

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Here are four steps to develop contentment in your life.

 

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. When you compare your life with someone else's, the only place it can lead is toward discontentment. There will always be people who appear to be better off than you, but you don't know their real circumstances.

 

I recall counseling a husband many years ago, and he said he wished his wife could be more like so-and-so, and he named a woman in our congregation. What he didn't know is that the woman was a functioning alcoholic causing incredible heartache and stress for her family and for her husband.

That's why the Bible teaches it is unwise to compare (2 Corinthians 10:12).

 

 

2. Be grateful for who you are and what you have. Learning to be content requires that you stop any "when and then" thinking – "When I am ___________, then I'll be happy." (You fill in the blank.)

The reason we fall into this trap is that we may actually be content for a little while but it won't last. But, more than likely, someone else or something else will come along and drain the contentment from your life.

But listen, you are unique. God created you to be like nobody else, so why would you want to be anyone else. God is perfect, and you were his perfect choice to be you. Understanding that is a huge step toward being content with your life.

And then look at all the things God has given you. So often we allow what we don't have to so dominate our focus that we forget the many wonderful things we already have, not only material blessing, but far more important things, such as family and friends.

 

3. Give yourself to others. If you will begin giving yourself to others, sharing what things you do have, sharing your time and your talents, you will find yourself learning to be content. Helping others will give you an appreciation for what you have and who you are, but more importantly, you will find yourself growing content. Why? Because God designed us to serve and share with others, and until we do that, we will feel great discontent.

 

4. Focus on things with eternal value. The real secret to becoming content is to focus on the things that have eternal value. It may be a familiar teaching to you, but Jesus said we should store up our treasures in heaven, and not on earth "where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV).

Think about the things in your life: What will last forever? What will last at least for your lifetime? What will last a few short years, or months, or days? Based on eternal value, what things are most important in your life? Where – and with whom – should you put your most time and energy?

By re-organizing your life around eternal priorities, you'll find yourself growing in contentment as you live according to God's design and purpose.

 

 

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

How to Be Thankful in Tough Times

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

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1. Don't worry about anything. Worrying doesn't change anything. It's stewing without doing. There's no such thing as born worriers; worry is a learned response. You learned it from your parents. You learned it from your peers. You learned it from experience. That's good news. The fact that worry is learned means it can also be unlearned. Jesus says, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" (Matthew 6:34 NLT).

 

2. Pray about everything. Use the time you've spent worrying for praying. If you prayed as much as you worried, you'd have a whole lot less to worry about. Some people think God only cares about religious things, such as how many people I invite to church or my tithing. Is God interested in car payments? Yes. He's interested in every detail of your life. That means you can take any problem you face to God.

 

3. Thank God in all things. Whenever you pray, you should always pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love, but gratitude. It actually increases your immunities; it makes you more resistant to stress and less susceptible to illness. People who are grateful are happy. But people who are ungrateful are miserable because nothing makes them happy. They're never satisfied; it's never good enough. So if you cultivate the attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, it reduces stress in your life.

 

4. Think about the right things. If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think. The way you think determines how you feel, and the way you feel determines how you act. So if you want to change your life, you need to change what you're thinking about.

 

This involves a deliberate, conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things: focus on the positive and on God's Word. Why? Because the root cause of stress is the way you choose to think.

 

When we no longer worry, when we pray about everything, when we give thanks, when we focus on the right things, the apostle Paul tells us the result is, "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

What a guarantee! He is guaranteeing peace of mind.

 

© 2009 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved

God Has a Mission for Your Family

Crosswalk/ Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Ann Dunagan's book, The Mission-Minded Family: Releasing Your Family to God's Destiny, (Authentic Books, 2007).  

 

God's call to reach lost people with the Gospel is for all believers – adults and children alike. Your whole family can go on a lifelong mission together to share the hope found only in Christ. Answering God's call to focus your family outward can bless each of you as you all bless others.

 

Here's how you can pursue mission work as a family:

 

View your family as a vehicle for ministry. Your family isn't an obstacle to missions ministry work, and you don't have to neglect your family to pursue ministry. Your family can actually become stronger as all of your family members devote themselves as a team to serving others outside your family. Your family and missions work are compatible and mutually supportive of God's purposes. Your family can play a valuable role in helping to expand God's kingdom!

 

Seek God's plans rather than your own. Instead of asking God to bless your plans for your family, pray for God to show you His plans for your family. Then base your decisions on God's plans.

 

Release your kids. Let go of your own agendas for each of your kids' lives and be willing to accept whatever God wants for them, trusting that He knows what's best for them. Help your kids discover God's purposes for their lives, and encourage them to fulfill those purposes – no matter where God may take them in the process. Just as God released His Son for you, you need to release your kids daily to pursue His eternal purposes.

 

Focus on eternity. Rather than focusing on what you can accomplish in this world, focus on what you can accomplish that has eternal value. Be most concerned about pleasing God and preparing for the moment when you'll meet Him in heaven.

 

Live in submission. Submit yourself completely to God and His purposes for your lives. Trust and obey His guidance in every area of your lives – spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.

 

Strategically aim your family in the right direction. Get to know the specific spiritual gifts and natural talents of every member of your family. Then ask questions to help discover God's direction for your family as a team. Consider such questions as: "Is your family called to hospitality?", "Is your family called to active leadership within your local church?", "Is your family called to specifically impact your neighborhood?", and "Taking into account your family's specific gifts, abilities, and resources, what are ways you can participate in God's Great Commission?". As your kids grow, pay attention to how they're developing spiritually, mentally, and physically. Challenge them to take risks to try serving in new ways whenever you sense they're ready to do so.

 

 

Pay attention to life's rhythms. Alternate between work, rest, and play so your family won't be stressed by an unhealthy lifestyle. Devote your time and energy to various activities whenever God leads you to do so, and your family will achieve a healthy balance appropriate for different seasons of your life together. Check in with God about your schedule daily, since He sees the whole picture and can guide you to what's best for all concerned.

 

Intercede effectively for people in prayer. Pray regularly as a family for God's purposes to be released and fulfilled on earth. Acknowledge your sin and the fact that you can stand before God as a righteous person only because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross for you. Come to God with an attitude of total surrender and humility, keeping your heart clean and open before Him. Avoid broad, general, and vague requests. Instead, make your prayers specific, knowledgeable, and on target. Learn as much information as you can about the people or situations about which you're praying. Search the Bible for God's will and seek His direction on how best to pray. Make your prayers fervent and intense. Pray for lost people as if they're depending on your prayers and you're the only one praying for them. Create a prayer list your family can use together, to pray for individuals (like unsaved loved ones, and government leaders), ministries/organizations (like your church and school), and geographic areas (like your city and other nations). Use a two-fold strategy for intercession: First, come against evil and its influence on the people or situations for which you're praying. Then, pray for God's power to flow to accomplish the work He wants done. Whenever you sense God calling you to intercede in on an emergency basis, be willing to stop and pray right then and keep praying hard until the burden leaves and you get a sense of peace.

 

Use international holidays to help your family pray. Study the many different holidays throughout the world and the traditions around them. Then use specific days of the year to target different groups of people for prayer.

 

Manage your money to support missions well. Teach your kids the reality that all of your family's money – just like your time and talents – ultimately belongs to God. Allow the Holy Spirit to challenge every aspect of your lifestyle so you can make wise financial decisions for your family. Give generously to support full-time missionaries you know, and hold creative fundraisers to help earn more money for missions. If you and your family decide to become full-time missionaries yourselves, trust God for the financial provision you'll need.

 

Prepare and share testimonies. Encourage each family member to write down his or her own story of coming to faith in Christ and share it with other people effectively.

 

Plan creative outreach events. Think and pray about some innovative ways to gather people together to hear the Gospel. Have your kids reach other kids and plan some fun events for them.

 

Make use of your family's skills. The ways God can use you in ministry work are as diverse as the talents He has given you and the skills each of your family members possess. Try to connect each of your family's skills to some ministry work. If you've got computer skills, conduct training seminars or teach full-time missionaries how to use a new software program. If you can build well, take a missions trip and help construct a new church or orphanage. If you've got teaching skills, hold some workshops.

 

Release your family to God's destiny. Every day, renew your commitment to fulfill God's purposes in your lives. Work together the best you can, relying on God's strength, and look forward to the new adventures He has in store for you each day.

Published January 9, 2009.

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Adapted from The Mission-Minded Family: Releasing Your Family to God's Destiny, copyright 2007 by Ann Dunagan. Published by Authentic Books, a division of STL US, Colorado Springs, Co., http://www.authenticbooks.com/.         

Ann Dunagan is a homeschooling mother of seven and an international minister alongside her husband, Jon Dunagan. In 1986, Jon & Ann Dunagan founded Harvest Ministry. Ann has personally ministered in more than 25 countries throughout the world and she enjoys teaching children, speaking to women, and encouraging parents and teachers. The Dunagan family is based in Hood River, Oregon.

Loving Your Spouse's God-Given Personality

 

 

Joe Beam,Founder, LovePath International

resource: from CWalk

 

Over the last few days I've witnessed the same marital phenomena on four occasions. In each situation the wife and the husband had very different personalities. Of course, there's nothing unusual about that in it of itself. While roughly 80% of people in the USA marry someone who is similar to them in ethnicity, age (within 5 years), physical attractiveness, socio-economic status, and values, a large number of people marry someone dissimilar to themselves in personality or temperament. Theoretically, by marrying someone of similar background we accomplish a degree of familiarity that gives us comfort, but by marrying someone different in personality we "balance" ourselves in some ways.

 

So, it's not unusual to see that mates are very different while being very much alike. In my business I try to notice both similarities and differences, but I especially pay attention to the differences. The simplest method for evaluating differences (there are many, as you might imagine) is by evaluating two aspects of behavior:  

 

1. Does the person tend to process before acting or act before processing?

 

2. Does the person seem reserved and a little more difficult to get to know or does s/he seem open, affable, and easy to get to know?

 

This methodology has existed from roughly 300 B.C. so it's nothing new or novel. It does, however, work rather well in most cases. With those four criteria we can derive four basic temperaments. I call them: Commander, Communicator, Completer, and Calculator.

 

It would take many more pages than I have here to describe these temperaments and interactions. But let me address one small but important matter. It has to do with a common marital pairing: The Commander and the Completer.

 

The Commander tends to be a competitive person who is bottom-line-driven with a direct, let's-fix-it-now approach to life and a strong ego. 

 

The Completer tends to be a laid-back person who likes to think things through before acting, avoid conflict when possible and can be described as family-oriented, traditional, and loyal. You likely already see that these two temperaments paired together can lead to some unhappy situations.

 

Commanders will take risks. Completers hate risk and want security. Commanders want to fix things now, directly and bluntly. Completers want to leave it alone for a while and, if forced into conflict they aren't ready for, will often resort to passive/aggressive behavior.

 

This pairing can bring about many problems when the husband is the Commander and the wife is the Completer. But, in all four situations I witnessed recently, the problems were exacerbated because the wife was the Commander and the husband was the Completer. She wanted to address things immediately, communicate her thoughts bluntly, and force her husband to solve everything right now which in her estimation could be done if he would just do what she asked. He, on the other hand, wanted to stay very calm, think things through for a while and in some cases ignore the problem long enough for it to take care of itself.

 

In these situations the Commander gets frustrated and perhaps even feels vulnerable because her Completer won't stand up in face-to-face combat to resolve matters. In turn, the Completer feels disrespected, badly treated, and walked on. Usually, the Commander gets more forceful and strident as a problem remains unresolved while the Completer gets quieter and more reserved as he starts building a wall to protect himself from the Commander's intensity. Sound familiar?

 

Why is this interaction between husband and wife particularly problematic when the husband is the Completer and the wife the Commander? I'm not familiar with all the cultures in the world, but I've lived long enough in this country to understand ours. Americans tend to react negatively to strong, intense women because our culture expects the man to be the leader and the woman to be the follower. Yes, that is changing but it's still true in many situations. And Biblically-speaking, husbands are indeed called to be the spiritual heads of the family.

 

So, as much as it hurts for either partner to be forceful toward the one who doesn't share the same forceful temperament, it seems to be much more painful if it is the husband experiencing force from his wife. Culturally, even religiously, he sees himself as the leader and feels somewhat emasculated if he perceives she is usurping his responsibility. 

 

In each situation, I experienced great difficulty counseling the wife to stop degrading her husband through verbal attacks, countenance, and tone of voice. It appeared that at least in these four cases, each wife had lost respect for her husband because he wouldn't stand up to her strong personality and deal bluntly and directly with their problems. When I tried to explain that this forceful approach didn't fit his temperament, she replied that it should.

 

Does this mean that these Commander wives are insensitive? Well, it depends. Commanders can be insensitive to the effect their words have on others but extremely sensitive to anything said in reply and are prone to anger.

 

Does this sound like woman bashing? I hope not because that's not my goal. It usually takes two to create marital discord. And I've seen some of the very same problems with Commander husbands and Completer wives. It just seems that when the roles are reversed, the problems often intensify.

 

So what does a couple in this situation do to become happy? While no one can fix marital discord in one, brief article here are some basic truths that apply to all couples when dealing with their differences:

 

1. Understand your own temperament and the temperament of your spouse.

2. Understand what not to do when communicating with your spouse.  

3. Understand what to do when communicating with your spouse.

4. Learn and use a system of compromise that leads each of you to receive what makes you happy.

5. Follow through on this new understanding and methodology for the rest of your life.  

If these truths are properly understood and applied, couples typically won't end up in therapy or counseling. Often, all it takes is some careful study of your spouse to figure out what works best. And those who do find themselves in counseling can rectify their problems through an educational process. I know. I've seen it work repeatedly over the last decade.  

 

The bottom line: It's important to realize why your spouse reacts the way s/he does in certain situations. Is she feeling attacked? Is he? Is he feeling disrespected? Is she feeling unheard? Is one feeling overwhelmed with details and just wants the bottom line?

 

When we put ourselves in the place of the other in an attempt to understand, we often will find the best way to interact and negotiate so that feelings aren't hurt and misunderstandings don't take place. So strive to know why your spouse reacts in certain ways to what you say so that you can communicate in new ways that show respect, love and kindness.

 

Not only is it a more effective way to communicate, it is a more Christ-like way to communicate.

"...live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5: 2

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Read about more about the four temperemants in Joe's new book Your LovePath (to be released in Jan. '09).

Joe Beam is a best selling author and an internationally known marriage expert. He founded LovePath International, an organization that works to save marriage relationships from separation, divorce and relationship problems. If your marriage needs help, please visit http://www.lovepathinternational.com.

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"Find Rest for your family" ( with 1 Question survey :) please respond

Read the article and see which problem areas you may have.

Afterwards, we invite you to respond to the 1 Question survey (no names needed, just  answers) found on this link:

 

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The following is a report on the practical applications of Tim Kimmel's book, Little House on the Freeway: Help for the Hurried Home, (Multnomah Books, 2008).  

source: Crosswalk

How fast is your family running through life? If you always seem to be in a hurry and struggling to keep up with your activities, it's time to slow down. That's easier said than done, though.

Real rest can only be found in Jesus, through the peace that He alone can give you and your family. Here's how you can find the rest you need:

 

Diagnose the problems. Figure out what kind of hurriedness is afflicting your home. Is your family so busy that you all can't relax? Are you uncomfortable with quiet? Are you seldom satisfied with what you have? Do you live according to shifting moral standards -- sometimes going against your convictions when it's more convenient to do so? Are you overworked and underappreciated? Do you worry about things you can't control? Are you only happy when you're successful according to how the world defines success? Do you often doubt God's power, grace, or sufficiency? Are you discontent? Do you lack genuinely intimate relationships? Do you have a tendency to try to control your life?

 

Look internally, not externally. It's unrealistic to expect that the external stresses in your life will just magically go away. But you can experience real rest inside your soul no matter what kind of stressful circumstances you're going through in your life.  Realize that rest is a choice make in any situation. Ask God to help you learn how to be calm even in the middle of a storm. Remember that He loves you, made you with a purpose, and guarantees you hope. Let those realities sink into your soul and give you peace.

 

Forgive. Your soul can't truly rest until you forgive as God calls you to forgive. Take an inventory of the people in your life to determine who you may still need to forgive for hurting you in the past. Then rely on the help God promises to forgive each of them. Once you give others the gift of forgiveness, you get a valuable gift in return: rest for your soul.

 

Live within the limits. Choose to live within the limits of biblical standards that God has created for people's protection from harm. The more you live by what the Bible says, the less you'll struggle with fear and regrets, and the more rest you'll enjoy. Whenever you experience guilt, consider honestly if it's alerting you to sin in your life. If so, be quick to confess the sin and repent, turning away from the sin and toward God. Every day, do your best to align your actions with your beliefs. Make sure that what you say you believe is what you're actually doing, consistently. Give every part of your life -- your work, relationships, etc. -- to God, without holding anything back. When every aspect of your lifestyle reflects faithful living, you can experience genuine rest.

 

Look at life with an eternal perspective. Ask God to give you His perspective on your life so you won't waste time or energy on pursuits that don't really matter. Recognize that people are more important than personal gain. Invest in relationships first and foremost, since love is eternal. Never sacrifice what's permanent on the altar of what's immediate. Don't let each day's urgent issues that come up distract you from pursuing what's most important. Instead of fearing death, accept it as an inevitable part of your future, and prepare for it by making the most of every day God gives you on earth. Rather than trying to avoid aging, learn all you can as you grow more mature. Keep in mind that time will move forward quickly for you no matter how well you do or don't use it. Every day, thank God for the gift of the time He has given you, and do your best to invest it well.

 

Serve while you're suffering. Whenever you're suffering in some way, your relief may come not from the problem suddenly disappearing, but from the strength you develop from serving in spite of it. Instead of just waiting for the problem to go away, decide to serve others while you're dealing with the problem, and God will give you rest in the process. When you accept what you can't change and choose to serve anyway, you'll be transformed as you serve into a stronger and more peaceful person.

 

Manage your expectations well. Live to please God, not other people. The more you measure your significance by other people's expectations of you or by how well you think you compare to their accomplishments and possessions, the less rest you'll experience in your life. Discipline your desires by pursuing legitimate goals and making the most of your current circumstances. Ask God to help you develop priorities that will sustain you well and give you peace both now and in the future.

 

Steward your strengths well. Discover your God-given talents and spiritual gifts, develop them, and use them to the fullest. When you're a good steward of the strengths God has given you, you'll feel calm inside and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you're contributing well to the world. Read and study the Bible often so its principles will soak into your soul and you can consistently make the best choices about how to use your talents and gifts. Aim to use your time well, too, investing it generously into what has eternal significance.

 

Balance technology with the rest of your life. Use technology for your benefit rather than allowing it to overtake your life. Pray for the discernment to know when to check your e-mail or listen to your IPod, and when to log off and turn off so you can interact with other people face to face. Choose carefully which sites you visit on the Internet and which TV shows and other media you watch; make sure you only spend time on what's worthwhile. Give yourself adequate time for quiet reflection each day.

 

Bring rest to your marriage. No matter what pressures or uncertainties you and your spouse are currently dealing with, you both can enjoy a restful relationship if you remained committed to each other's needs and best interests regardless of the cost. Every day, pray for God to help you express unconditional love to each other. Learn how to use your differences to complement each other and enrich the life you share together.

 

Give your kids the gift of rest. You can pass on an heritage of rest to your kids if you make it a high priority to invest in their lives. Deliberately make choices every day to spend as much time as possible with your children. Be willing to make sacrifices in other areas of your life -- like your career and volunteer work -- in order to be there for your kids as often as you can. Do all you can to help meet their inner needs for secure love, significant purpose, and strong hope. Raise them in an environment designed to produce a sense of calm confidence that will prepare them well for adulthood. Give them rest for their bodies by making sure they eat a nutritious diet and get enough sleep every day. Give them rest for their emotions by giving them plenty of affection (meaningful touch and affirming words), teaching them to express their emotions in healthy ways, and helping them learn to base their decisions on unchanging biblical truth rather than on their changing emotions. Give them rest for their minds by helping them use their creativity to overcome restlessness and solve problems.

 

Instead of isolating your kids from exposure to different value systems, teach them the critical thinking skills they need to make their own decisions about values, which will ultimately help them make their faith their own. Give them spiritual rest by letting them know that they are deeply loved by a personal God. Help them rest in the eternal security found in a personal relationship with Jesus. Pray with them and for them, help them read the Bible, and participate in church together. Give them grace, just as God gives grace to you.

 

Bring rest to your work. Pray for the courage you need to reject the world's view of success and focus on efforts that are significant from God's perspective. Never pursue success as a goal in itself. Instead, expect it to come sometimes as a natural outcome from working hard and being fair. Ask God help you be satisfied with your current lifestyle instead of constantly trying to consume more, which will rob you of the rest that's more valuable than anything you could buy. Live on a budget. Get out of debt and stay out. Observe a weekly Sabbath day of rest. If your current work schedule is too stressful, have the courage to cut back to find get the rest you need. Choose time over money when you have the choice to make.

 

Bring rest to your relationships. Healthy relationships will help give you a restful life. Surround yourself with good friends who will support you and hold you accountable. Aim to be the best friend you can be to others -- someone who is loyal, honest, and sensitive. Find a good church -- a place that focuses on Jesus, respects the Bible's authority, helps people develop healthy family lives, and functions through the power of God's grace.

Adapted from Little House on the Freeway: Help for the Hurried Home, copyright 2008, 1994, and 1987 by Tim Kimmel, Ph.D. Published by Multnomah Books, a division of Random House, Inc., Colorado Springs, Co., http://www.mpbooks.com/. 

  
 
Dr. Tim Kimmel is the Executive Director of Family Matters® whose goal is to equip families for every age and stage of life. A national speaker with organizations that include Promise Keepers and Focus on the Family, Tim has shared his message with millions of people. He is the author of several books, including Raising Kids for True Greatness and Grace-Based Parenting. All together, there are more than 800,000 books in print. Tim and his wife live in Scottsdale, Arizona.