good resource: Gary Chapman Shares Ways Ministers' Wives can 'Love a Leader'

Shannon Baker

Baptist Press

INDIANAPOLIS (BP)--Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, addressed a sell-out crowd of 1,500 at the 53rd annual Ministers' Wives' Luncheon June 10 during the Southern Baptist Convention's annual meeting in Indianapolis.

Chapman is the senior associate pastor responsible for adult discipleship, marriage counseling and pastoral care at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, N.C.

Liz Traylor, president of this year's luncheon, said she chose the theme, "How to Love a Leader," because it was the call of her heart to learn how she could love her leader husband more efficiently, lovingly and like Jesus would. Traylor's husband Ted is pastor of Olive Baptist Church in Pensacola, Fla.

Before the keynote address, Janet Hunt, wife of Johnny Hunt, pastor of First Baptist Church in Woodstock, Ga., honored the memory of minister's wife Tammy Litton, who was killed in a car accident Aug. 16, 2007. On behalf of the ministers' wives, she presented Litton's husband Ed, pastor of First Baptist Church of North Mobile, Saraland, Ala., and their family a framed copy of the day's program and printed tribute. Also, $500 was given in Litton's name to the Ministers' Wives' endowment fund.

Joy Cullen, a pastor's wife, Sunday School teacher, adjunct professor and former International Mission Board missionary in Asia, was honored with the 2008 Willie Turner Dawson Award, which recognizes ministers' wives who have made a distinct denominational contribution.

Chapman offered seven things ministers' wives must know to truly love their leader husbands:

Praise is always better than criticism.

Many pastors are praised within their churches and communities, but when they come home they are criticized by their wives, even if the criticism is well-intended, Chapman said.

He suggested a better approach, likening it to the praise given to a toddler learning to walk for the first time. When the child falls, the parent applauds his effort and encourages him back up again.

"When you give him praise, he will keep trying to do better," Chapman said.

 

Requests are more productive than demands.

"None of us like to be controlled," Chapman said, urging wives to make requests instead of demands. "Don't say, 'You don't spend enough time with the kids.'" Instead, ask him if he can do specific things with the kids. Likewise, he told wives to ask for what they want.

"That's what God asks us to do. Why wouldn't we do that with our husbands?" he said.

 

Unconditional love is the only true love.

"Any woman can love a husband who loves her, but as Christians we're called to love our enemies," Chapman said. "But what makes you feel loved isn't necessarily how your husband feels loved."

He explained the five love languages, the key ways people feel loved: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch.

Chapman also explained that while every person has a primary love language, rarely do a husband and wife have the same love language.

"In our nature, we do what our love language is. The problem is that we are not speaking our husband's language," he said.

 

Learn from his defensiveness.

Chapman noted there are certain things wives say and certain ways they say them that cause men to be defensive. When that happens, men's self-esteem is threatened, and they feel that wives are trying to control them, he said.

He urged the wives to write down their husband's reactions. Later, when things are calmer, ask them why their words stimulated the defensiveness. Talk about what to do when that situation happens again.

 

Understanding male sexuality is essential.

Noting that men have a physical need for sex, Chapman encouraged wives to be understanding when their husbands seek intimacy with them.

 

Learn to apologize.

"Ever wondered why you haven't been able to forgive your husband? It could be that he hasn't apologized to you in your apology language," he said, pointing to his new book, "The Five Languages of Apology," which explains the different ways people have been taught, and therefore expect, apologies.

 

Don't expect perfection.

Acknowledging that all humans fail, Chapman said couples should help each other in areas where they are weak.

Chapman encouraged wives to ask the same questions that turned around his once-struggling marriage: What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better [spouse] to you?

"I believe that God did not ordain marriage to be miserable," he said, adding that when Christian couples do marriage God's way, other couples will be drawn to learn from them.

Officers for the 2009 luncheon in Louisville, Ky., with the theme "Presentation Is Everything," are Diane Strack of Orlando, Fla., president; Mary Mohler of Louisville, vice president; Liliana Lewis of Austin, Texas, recording secretary-treasurer; and Karen Crowe of Colorado Springs, Colo., correspondence secretary.

 

 

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Shannon Baker is the national correspondent for BaptistLIFE (www.baptistlife.com), newsjournal of the Baptist Convention of Maryland/Delaware.

(c) 2008 Baptist Press. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

10 Rules for Respect

10 Rules for Respect
One way to build trust.
Charles W. Christian

When I came to this church five years ago, many of my board members had grandchildren older than I was. Most of the rest had children my age. At age 23, I was their pastor. That was intimidating.

 

I was told by a mentor that I would have to have some rules of the road for communicating with my congregation. How would I get people so much older than I to talk to me rather than among themselves?

 

The list I drew up has evolved into ten principles that have transformed the way our church communicates. They now form a covenant signed each year by all the leaders, including me.

 

• If you have a problem with me, come to me (privately).

• If I have a problem with you, I'll come to you (privately).

• If someone has a problem with me and comes to you, send them to me. (I'll do the same for you.)

• If someone consistently will not come to me, say, "Let's go to the pastor together. I am sure he will see us about this." (I will do the same for you.)

• Be careful how you interpret me—I'd rather do that. On matters that are unclear, do not feel pressured to interpret my feelings or thoughts. It is easy to misinterpret intentions.

• I will be careful how I interpret you.

• If it's confidential, don't tell. (This especially applies to board meetings.) If you or anyone comes to me in confidence, I won't tell unless (a) the person is going to harm himself/herself, (b) the person is going to physically harm someone else, (c) a child has been physically or sexually abused. I expect the same from you.

• I do not read unsigned letters or notes.

• I do not manipulate; I will not be manipulated; do not let others manipulate you. Do not let others try to manipulate me through you. I will not preach "at" you on Sunday mornings. I will leave conviction to the Holy Spirit (he does it better anyway).

• When in doubt, just say it. The only dumb questions are those that don't get asked. We are a family here and we care about each other, so if you have a concern, pray, and then (if led) speak up. If I can answer it without misrepresenting something or breaking a confidence, I will.

While they have not eliminated every problem, the principles have provided a strong foundation for loving, Christlike communication.

 

Recently two members asked a longtime leader to "tell the pastor" about some idea that was not working. At first, this leader agreed to speak with me. Then, she called the two members back and said, "I've thought about what you asked me to do. I know that the pastor would appreciate it if you told him yourself. He always wants to hear what church members think. If he does not respond, then call me and you and I will go together."

 

That afternoon, the members sat with me in my office, and we worked through their problem. I did not know about their request of the person who sent them to me.

 

"I'm so glad you came to me personally," I closed our conversation. "Around here, all of our leaders believe in open communication, even about difficult matters."

 

Later, when I learned the rest of the story, I knew our adherence to the road rules had given that leader an opportunity to communicate her confidence in me. And I was allowed to cement two other relationships that might have presented roadblocks later on.

 

Charles W. Christian is minister at
Canby Chapel
Church of the Nazarene
2323 N.E. Territorial
Canby OR 97013

Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/Leadership Journal.

Tuning In to Your Husband’s Needs

Written by Kenneth Sanderfer

from HomeLife

source: LifeWay

David grabs a quick lunch. Although he's off the clock, his mind is still working. What if I don't finish that project on time? I know the boss is edgy.

 

I really need to talk to Suzanne, but I don't have time. It bugs her when I cut the conversation short or she senses I'm distracted.

 

The weatherman's predicting rain tonight. The kids' soccer game will be cancelled. I need to call Suzanne and see how that changes our evening.

 

I promised to help with the new outreach program at the church tomorrow night. How am I going to do that and get everything else done?

 

Work. Marriage. Family. Ministry. David fears he'll never get any of it right.

 

 

The Heart of the Matter
Is it possible for you to understand what your husband is feeling and to support him as he fights to balance work, marriage, family, and ministry? The answer is yes, and it may not be as complicated as you think. Look no further than your own heart.

 

Sure, men and women are different, but after many years of counseling married couples, I believe husbands and wives are more alike than not. This is especially true when it comes to relational needs.

 

Scripture sheds light on this. Jesus never let culture, gender, or race get in the way of meeting the needs of those He encountered. He never allowed outside stuff to distract Him from the divine reality that, at the center of our being, we all are alike. Jesus always spoke directly to the common place, the heart. And He always spoke to the heart in love.

 

Jesus exemplifies a term used in counseling called empathic attunement. It's the act of leaving the comfort of one's existence with the purpose of entering the experience of another. Envision someone's hand turning a radio knob so it moves from its resting place through the static to another station. To be empathically attuned to your husband, you must momentarily leave the music of your choice to tune in to the music of his choice.

 

The sole purpose is to understand what life is like for him. It's not about what you would be experiencing if you were juggling work, marriage, family, and ministry. It's about what your husband is experiencing at work, in your marriage, in your family, and in ministry. When Suzanne turns to David and lets him know she's tuned in to the music of his day and validates his struggle, he will feel understood and authenticated. This is speaking directly to the heart of the matter.

 

 

Medicine for His Soul
Words of validation and affirmation aren't really hard to come up with: "I was thinking today about how difficult it must be for you to balance all you do. I really appreciate the sacrifices you make for me and the children." This statement likely will reach your husband's heart. The clear message of understanding translates into "I care." Marriage is all about being emotionally available to each other.

 

Words of affirmation not only calm the static in his life, they connect you to each other. Are these words really all that different from what you, as a wife, would like to hear?

 

 

A Bond of Strength
Long-term studies about why marriages succeed or fail indicate what successful marriages share: a strong emotional bond. Emotional bonds develop in relationships that provide a safe haven — a place where a husband and a wife know they are a priority, where there is contact and connection, and where both partners can turn to each other in a vulnerable way. Sounds surprisingly similar to the relational model Jesus exemplified, doesn't it?

 

If it's true that, at the heart level, husbands and wives need the same things, then how do you cross through layers of outside differences that can impede the journey to your husband's heart? How do you meet his needs? Consider the following.

 

Acquire 20/20 vision. Many times spouses develop an eye for the negative. You can see negatives clearly from 20 feet away. The challenge is to acquire an eye for the positive. You might have to strain at first, but with practice, you may be surprised by how fast positive 20/20 vision can change your view of your husband — and, in turn, how he views you.

 

Improve your hearing. Acquire an ear for information that will lead directly to your husband's heart. Think about it. What are some subtle messages you receive from him on a routine basis? What requests has he made in the past but now has given up on?

 

Tuning in to your husband's spoken (and unspoken) needs — and then meeting them — is living your love out loud.

 

Amplify your voice. This may sound contradictory, but if you want to meet your husband's needs, it's imperative that you clearly and loudly express your needs — and shoot straight. There's nothing more satisfying than when both spouses actively meet each other's needs.

 

Are you tuned in to your husband's needs? If not, today is a great day to turn the knob and listen to the music of his heart.

 

Kenneth Sanderfer is a marriage and family therapist in Nashville, Tenn.

Invitation to join a short inspirational (13 hours from this post)

Have you received an email with the title, "The Paradox of Our Time"?

Origins:   In May 1998, Jeff Dickson posted the 'Paradox of Our Time' essay to his Hacks-R-Us online forum, loosing it upon the Internet. The essay has since been attributed to comedian George Carlin, an unnamed Columbine High School student, and that most prolific of scribes, Anonymous.

The true author of the piece is neither George Carlin nor Jeff Dickson, nor is he anonymous. Credit belongs with Dr. Bob Moorehead, former pastor of Seattle's Overlake Christian Church. (He retired in 1998 after 29 years in that post). The essay appeared under the title "The Paradox of Our Age" in Words Aptly Spoken, Dr. Moorehead's 1995 collection of prayers, homilies, and monologues used in his sermons and radio broadcast...

 

...from snopes.com

 

 

Though not free from serious controversy himself, still, Dr. Moorehead's meditation on the sad state of the human race today really hits home. If you haven't read this article or if you hadn't had the chance to really think on the content,at the end is the article for you to ponder on. We invite you to join us for a short time of fellowship and mutual encouragement 13 hours from now at our resource site chat room. (mwfrc3.blogspot.com, if the room does not load, you need a quick download of Java at Java.com, you may IM at yahoo msgr if you have problems, my ID is lyka927 )

 

We will be talking about ways, we as children of the heavenly father, can live out the life and purpose He desires of us. We will talk on how we as wives and mothers can lead and influence lives positively for the glory of God.

 

"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

John 10:10 NKJV

------

 

Let's not let this paradox be our life's description.... 

The Paradox of Our Age

 We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgement; more experts, yet more problems; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; we take more vitamins but see fewer results. We drink too much; smoke too much; spend too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get too angry quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too seldom; watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we fly in faster planes to arrive there quicker, to do less and return sooner; we sign more contracts only to realize fewer profits; we talk too much; love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less; we make faster planes, but longer lines; we learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more weapons, but less peace; higher incomes, but lower morals; more parties, but less fun; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort, but less success. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; drive smaller cars that have bigger problems; build larger factories that produce less. We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, but short character; steep in profits, but shallow relationships. These are times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; higher postage, but slower mail; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorces; these are times of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, cartridge living, thow-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to prevent, quiet or kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room. Indeed, these are the times!

The Worship Christ Seeks

Dr. John Barnett
Discover the Book


"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon [material possessions]." —Matthew 6:24, emphasis added

 

The church at Ephesus had been loyal to God and His Word in spite of being surrounded by strong materialism in their city. Because of the nearly universal worship of Diana, no one would dare to rob her; thus, behind the altar was the World Bank. One might say that Ephesus was the New York City of the ancient world. Perhaps the evil influence of this materialistic environment may have gradually weakened the first love of some of the Ephesian Christians. For lusting after money and possessions is certain to cool a believer's love for Christ.

 

How did the devoted Christians at Ephesus resist Satan's stronghold of materialism? As Paul said in Colossians 3, they set their affections on things above, not on things on the earth. As specific biblical principles were followed, they broke free of the lust for money and possessions. These same principles apply to us today as well.



 

Live for your new inheritance reserved in heaven: In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will (Ephesians 1:11).



 

Rejoice in your secure inheritance: [The Holy Spirit] is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory (Ephesians 1:14). God is safeguarding our inheritance! After the Resurrection, Jesus went back to prepare a place for us. In light of the fact that it took Jesus only six days to make the whole universe, the heavenly mansions He is preparing must be spectacular (John 14:2).



 

Rejoice in your magnificent inheritance: The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints. (Ephesians 1:18). What Christ has in store for us is far greater than we could possibly ever imagine, for His riches are unsearchable (Ephesians 3:8)!

 

 

Rejoice that your wealth in Christ is more than can be counted: In the ages to come He [will] show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:7). The only way to get victory over the lust of materialism is to rejoice wholeheartedly in Jesus himself—and the richness of what Christ has in store for you. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21).



 

Our greatest treasure is to be Jesus—whom we are to worship with our whole heart, mind, and soul. In contrast, the full worship of Diana involved silver "letters" (the images made and sold there), which led to very alluring, sordid, and ecstatic worship. How did the Ephesian Christians keep from getting caught up in such false worship? They saw that their access in Christ was instant and universal through prayer, and not localized to a pagan temple. They understood that true worship is spiritual: "God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth" (John 4:24; see also Ephesians 5:18-21). Diana's temple fell into ruins, but Christ's church can never be destroyed: The whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord"(Ephesians 2:21).

 

Now then, what seems to be the root cause behind the Ephesians' loss of their first love? Although materialism may have cooled the passion of some for Christ, I believe the root cause is that they stopped worshiping because they were so busy. Regardless of what competes for our affections to rob us of our first love—even service for Christ himself—we need to repent and return to the way things were at first with the Lord (Revelation 2:5).

 

Jesus says, "Worship before You serve Me! You can't worship Me 'in spirit and in truth' if you have left your first love! And see to it that you maintain your passion to be with My people every time they meet!"

 

Do you have "an ear to hear" His voice speaking to you? I pray so! 

Markers of Effective Leaders

Written by Richard E. Dodge

source: LifeWay

 

Leadership is work, pure and simple. To be a good leader means you set the pace and take people to higher levels. Your leadership may be the difference between a class or committee that stagnates and accomplishes little or a group that grows people to become all that God intended.

 

But how do you rate yourself? Can you determine whether you are a good leader? Most good leaders have or develop the ability to evaluate themselves and reflect in what is happening in and through the people around them. Many times that still small voice that whispers in our ears lets us know whether we are good leaders or merely filling positions. Rate yourself in each of the following areas. Rate from 1 as low to 4 as high. 

 

 1  2  3  4  1. When situations change or something is not going as planned, I am flexible enough to make changes.

 

Flexibility is an essential of leadership. Good leaders recognize when plans - even good ones - are not working. If something needs to be changed, good leaders make the change. Even when conflict arises in the group, good leaders can resolve conflict in win-win ways.

 

 

 

 1  2  3  4  2. When opportunities present themselves, I can identify them and recognize ways to take advantage of them.

 

The information age presents us with new challenges regarding information. When opportunities present themselves, leaders not only recognize them but also know how to respond. When new information comes to light, you consider the information and determine how this information influences your situation and decisions. Then you respond and make necessary changes.

 

 

 

 1  2  3  4  3. When information seems confusing or contradictory, you can sort through the confusion to find effective, sound solutions.

 

Good leaders can see through the mass of information and material to identify solutions and options that will please everyone - or at least most of the people most of the time.

 

 

 

 1  2  3  4  4. When problems need solutions, I can see the whole as well as the parts and help identify ways to solve the problems.

 

Good leaders not only identify when a problem starts to grow, they also act promptly and decisively, and also can deal with issues and solutions. They know how to differentiate problems from people and solutions from taking sides.

 

 

 

 1  2  3  4  5. When too many alternatives are presented, I can see the pros and cons of each alternative and help come to good solutions.

 

Everyone has an opinion. Someone has said that if you got two Baptists in a room, you are likely to have three different opinions on anything they discuss. Good leaders know how to make everyone feel good about the solutions. Sometimes there is no way to avoid someone not having their idea or options chosen, but good leaders help people feel that they were not rejected even though their ideas were.

 

 

 

 1  2  3  4  6. When new alternatives are presented, I can sort through what needs to be added from the new and what needs to be retained from the old.

 

Sometimes our situations require changing the old with something that is new. Change itself is neither bad nor good. How we approach change and whether something actually needs complete or partial change can be what encourages everyone involved or splits a class or even a church. Good leaders can identify elements of the past that can support, affirm, or even enhance what is new.

 

 

 

 

 

 1  2  3  4  7. When new ideas are needed, I can generate new ideas or adapt ideas presented by others.

 

Good leaders don't always have to be the right person; they just have to see what actions need to be taken and how they must act when action is required. Good leaders listen for good ideas, occasionally taking two or three good ideas and combining them for outstanding solutions. Good leaders also affirm others for their ideas and always give credit where credit is due.

 

 

 

How did you score? If you scored less than 14, you need to seek help from someone who can guide and mentor you to become more people-centered and creative. If you scored more than 18 you are among the better leaders. If you scored more than 23, you should be looking for someone who scored less than 14 and offer to help them discover how to become a more effective leader.

Teachers Who Impact Lives

Written by Wayne Poling

 

Recently, waiting in an airport for my next flight, I met a man who in the course of a few minutes became a huge blessing to my life. As we visited with great excitement he shared about his pilgrimage with the Lord and the Lord's blessings on his life. With special joy he shared about a teacher who had not only taught him, but in his own words also discipled him. The teacher had taken a special interest in him both inside and outside the classroom.

 

The man went on to tell about the influence that teacher had on his whole life. This teacher had caught the true meaning of teaching: to see lives transformed. He went beyond merely relaying information and facts. His desire was for those he taught to integrate into their minds and hearts biblical truths that set the course for living. He had discovered the importance of not only communicating Bible truths but also living them.

 

Are you merely communicating information and facts, or are you truly investing in the lives of your members both in and out of class? Take a look at these characteristics of teachers who teach to transform and see if they are reflected in your own life.

 

• They teach with the awareness that God's calling to teach.
• They love and affirm the people they teach.
• They are aware of the needs of those they teach and are concerned about their spiritual growth.
• They believe in the transforming power of the Word of God and the importance of every teaching session.
• They seek the best ways to communicate the truths of God's Word.
• They teach in a variety of ways and use those approaches that best suit their students.
• They are experiencing the truths of God's Word in their own lives and teach from that personal experience.
• They are committed to personal preparation, which includes preparing their own hearts and minds to teach and preparing to lead each teaching session.
• Their lives "teach the lesson" by example.
• They realize that regardless of how skilled they are, their true power comes from the Holy Spirit.
• They believe that Bible teaching is not an end in itself and must lead those they teach to continue learning and living the truth beyond the classroom.

 

Don't settle for merely getting through your lesson each Sunday. Instead, resolve that you will teach in a way that impacts people for eternity. Make the necessary investments. Someday, one of your students will sit in an airport telling a new friend about a teacher that changed his life.

 

Wayne Poling is Sunday School/FAITH ministry specialist at LifeWay Christian Resources, Nashville, Tennessee.