by Rick Warren
Leaders are always defined by self-imposed standards. I’m not talking about standards set by other people, but standards they set for themselves. Great leaders always expect more from themselves than they do from their followers. They put forth more effort as well. That’s leadership.
If you were to look through the New Testament for the phrase “make every effort,” you’d find it six times. They represent six important vows we need to make as leaders. I believe these six vows will lead to an effective and productive ministry.
Vow to maintain integrity.
“Make every effort to be found spotless, blameless, and at peace with him” (2 Peter 3:14).
God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. No one is perfect. To be spotless and blameless means to live with integrity. How do you maintain integrity if you’re not perfect? You need to be transparent. A person of integrity is not claiming to have it all together in every area. On the contrary, the person of integrity is willing to be open about their strengths and weaknesses.
Having integrity also means living what you say you believe. You model what you teach. And you tell the truth, even when it’s tough. All leadership is built on trust. And trust comes from having the reputation for living out what you believe and for telling the truth. As a pastor and leader, people must trust you.
Will you make a commitment to lead with integrity? Will you be honest about both your strengths and weaknesses? Will you commit to living your sermons out every week? Will you tell the truth to those you lead even when it’s tough?
Vow to forgive those who hurt you.
“Make every effort to live in peace with all men. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up” (Hebrews 12:14-15).
Leaders forgive those who hurt them. You will be hurt in ministry. It’s going to happen. It’s a given. You will be hurt both intentionally and unintentionally. You will be hurt by those who recognize what they’re doing and those who don’t. You cannot be in ministry without being hurt. If you call the shots, you’re going to take the shots.
But you’ve got to be willing to forgive those who try to take you down. If you allow bitterness to build, it will choke your heart for God and your love for people until your heart just shrivels.
Will you forgive when every bone in your body wants to retaliate?
Vow to relax and trust God.
“Anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us therefore make every effort to enter into God’s rest” (Hebrews 4:11).
If you’re going to be in ministry, you’ve got to learn to relax. You need to be concerned about the people around you, but at the same time, you’re not God. You can’t bear everybody’s burden all the time.
How do you release those burdens? First, you’ve got to pray. Ultimately, God is the one responsible for your flock. He’s the one responsible for the growth of your ministry. Share your burdens with him in prayer.
Then you need to spend some time in God’s Word meditating on his promises. Remember what God has done in the past – in God’s Word and in your own life. God has a good track record of taking care of us. Remember that when you’re tempted to let the stress of your ministry position overwhelm you.
Will you commit to surrendering your stress to God?
Vow to be an encourager.
“Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).
As a Christian leader, you should build people up rather than tear them down. God has called you to be an encourager, not a discourager. Take the time to look beyond the problems and look at the potential of those you lead. People get discouraged in life; you need to be a source of encouragement.
As pastors, you are dispensers of hope. That’s what it means to be a Christian leader. You bring the hope of Jesus into a hopeless situation. You help people who seem to be helpless. You let them know they can do it.
Will you be a voice of encouragement in your community, in your church, in your home?
Vow to be a peacemaker.
“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).
Leaders are called to make every effort to reduce conflict. Our society is filled with conflict. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” How do you make peace in such a fragmented society?
You’ve got to deal with different points of view. Not everybody is like you in your church. And that’s good. Everyone has something to contribute. The perspective of those who see the world differently can add something indispensible to your ministry.
At Saddleback we value unity not uniformity. You can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue. God can overlook lack of programs in your church. He can overlook a lack of ability. But God will not bless a divided church. That means one of your most important jobs is to promote unity. Ten times in the first five chapters of Acts, the Bible says the church was unified. When you have the unity of Acts, you will have the power of Acts.
Will you have the courage to unify your church when it is being pulled in many different directions?
Vow to never stop growing.
“Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive…” (2 Peter 1: 5-8).
Learning is the lifestyle of leadership. The moment you think you know it all, you’re dead in the water. You must never stop growing. Growing ministries require growing leadership. You’ve got to train yourself continually.
Keep reading. Get a mentor. Solicit feedback. Ask questions. Always look for ways to keep growing in your character and your skills. The very nature of leadership is tied to growth. You’ve got to grow if you are going to lead others to grow.
Take a regular look at yourself. Where do you need to grow? What do you need to learn? What’s the best way to get the training you need? Make a learning plan every year. Your future leadership depends upon it.
Will you commit to keep growing as a leader and as a person?
Pastor, leading your church is a great responsibility and a grand privilege. Will you make these six commitments?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
When Someone Else Gets what We Want
source:Crosswalk Women
When Someone Else Gets what We Want
Nicole Whitacre and Carolyn MahaneyNicole: What do we do with a good, yet unfulfilled longing that won't go away? First, we thank God that by His mercy we desire one of His good gifts.
However, we must also regulate our desires. We must not love or long for one of God's good gifts more than we love or long for God Himself. If we do, then we have essentially made an idol out of this good desire and we are worshipping it instead of God. As teacher David Powlison paraphrases the eminent John Calvin: "The evil in our desires often lies not in what we want but that we want it too much."
One sure indicator as to whether or not a good desire has morphed into an idol is how we respond when someone else gets the very thing that we want but don't have. When a close friend--who was perfectly happy to be single--up and gets married, and we are, literally, left behind. Or when, as is the case for a friend of mine, we know five other girls who are pregnant and we are not.
And what about the woman who gets married younger than us, whose job is more glamorous than ours, whose house is bigger than ours, whose marriage is better than ours, whose life is easier than ours, whose children are more well-behaved than ours, whose popularity is brighter than ours, whose intelligence is greater than ours? Need I go on?
Envy is a sin common to women. But do we always see it for the rancid evil that it is? Several months ago, I found myself envying another woman's happiness. My husband encouraged me to study the topic of envy, and gave me some material to read. In the course of my study, the following string of thoughts by Cornelius Plantinga hit me straight between the eyes. Buckle your seat belt, for these are hard, yet necessary words.
"What an envier wants is not, first of all, what another has; what an envier wants is for another not to have it...The envier has empty hands and therefore wants to empty the hands of the envied. Envy, moreover, carries overtones of personal resentment; an envier resents not only somebody else's blessing but also the one who has been blessed" (emphasis mine).
Upon reading those words, I didn't want to admit that was me, that what I actually wanted was to empty someone else's hands. But that was the truth of it. A good desire gone bad is often characterized by these wicked motives.
No wonder Scripture commands us to "Put away all...envy!" (1 Pet. 2:1) What wretched women we are! And yet, as Paul exclaims, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Rom 7:25) We who have repented of our sins and put our trust in Christ are no longer bound by the sin of envy. We can receive forgiveness and cleansing and grace to change--grace to truly rejoice with those who have been blessed!
How do we get there? Mom will share a biblical strategy for overcoming envy.
A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy
Carolyn: "So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up to salvation--if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good....Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul (1 Peter 2:1-3, 11; emphasis mine).
Nicole helped us take a good hard look at the sin of envy in our hearts. Today, I want to encourage us to do battle against this "passion of the flesh." As I Peter 2:11 tells us, envy is already waging war against our soul--the question is whether or not we are going to fight back!
Here is a simple (not easy mind you) yet effective strategy for going on the offensive against envy:
1. Pray daily for the person we are tempted to envy. Persistent envy can be overcome with persistent prayer. We will find it is very difficult to go on envying someone for whom we are regularly asking God to bless and prosper.
2. Study and meditate on God's Word. We should direct our spiritual study to better understand and mortify the sin of envy. Let's consider verses such as Psalm 73, Proverbs 14:30, Proverbs 23:7, I Corinthians 13, Galatians 5, and 1 Peter 2 and many more.
Also, I want to highly recommend one of Jonathan Edwards's sermons on envy which you can read online here.
3. Eagerly rejoice with and reach out to the one we are tempted to envy. The temptation to withdraw and avoid--in order to spare ourselves pain--is simply selfishness. Therefore, we need to purpose not to withdraw relationally. Isolation in heart and action will only become a hotbed for bitterness and resentment to flourish.
When we put this battle plan into action, do you know what will happen? We will, gradually, over time, weaken the sin of envy in our lives. It won't happen in one glorious moment or after a couple of tries. But gradually, the sin of envy will lose its power and influence.
So let us not give up, even if the fight is intense. Jonathan Edwards in his famous Resolutions, "Resolved never to give over, nor in the least to slacken my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be."
Regardless of whether we feel like we are winning the fight against envy. Regardless of how much of a challenge it continues to be, let us never slacken our fight. For it is God "who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor. 15:57).
This article was adapted from "Girl Talk" - a blog kept by Carolyn and her three daughters for women in all seasons of life.
Carolyn Mahaney is a wife, mother, homemaker, and the author of Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother, Girl Talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on Biblical Womanhood and Shopping for Time: How To Do It All and Not Be Overwhelmed (written with her daughters) due out in July. During her more than 30 years as a pastor's wife, Carolyn has spoken to women in many churches and conferences, including those of Sovereign Grace
Ministries, which her husband, C.J., leads. C.J. and Carolyn have three married daughters and one fourteen-year-old son, Chad.
Nicole Whitacre is the oldest daughter of C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney, as well as a wife, mother, and homemaker. She assisted her mother with Feminine Appeal, and is the co-author of Girl Talk. Nicole and her husband Steve--who is a youth pastor at Sovereign Grace Church--have one son Jack, 4 and a newborn daughter Tori.
Kristin Chesemore and her husband Brian are the busy parents of three boys. Andrew is seven, Liam is four, and Owen is three. In the little spare time she does have, Kristin supports Brian in his role as a pastor in Family Life Ministries at Covenant Life Church.
Janelle Bradshaw has been married to her husband Mike for four years and they have a beautiful daughter Caly, 1. Mike serves as a pastor in Children's Ministry at Covenant Life Church.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
13 Ways to Pursue More of Jesus...Continued
Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Pursue more of His hope in your grief.
Pursue more of His fruit in your service. If your service for God lacks the fruit of changed lives, you don't have to try harder, pray more, or claim greater territory in service. Instead, you should examine your personal relationship with Jesus to see how closely you're connected to Him. It's the quality of your connection to Jesus that will determine whether or not you'll have the power to bear good fruit for His kingdom. The fruit you bear isn't produced through your own efforts; it's produced by the Holy Spirit through you as you consistently rely on God. Jesus is the Vine and you are the branches. God may sometimes choose to prune you to bear good fruit by cutting out of your life everything you depend on – except your relationship with Jesus. When you're forced to pay attention to your relationship with Jesus because that's all you have, your connection to the Vine gets bigger, empowering you to produce more fruit. Trust God when He prunes the branches of your life; He knows what's best to help you grow. Pray for greater fruitfulness in your service, asking God t conform you more closely to the image of Jesus, use you to make others want to know Him better, give you opportunities to share His Gospel and give you the fruit of changed lives as a result, draw others to Himself through a Bible study you lead, or give you one person to share His love with today.
Pursue more of His love in your home. As you give Jesus more of your heart, He will fill it with more of His love, and that will overflow into the lives of the people with whom you interact each day. When you let God's love flow through you, it will empower you to love even those people who are difficult for you to love – those whose personalities or behavior makes them seem completely incompatible with you. Rather than just avoiding or tolerating difficult people, choosing to show God's love to them will bless you in the process because God will use them to grind off the weak edges of your character to make you stronger. Ask Jesus to help you love people sacrificially, as He does. Instead of choosing to love only people who meet your needs, whom you get along with, who make you feel good, who do things for you, who give you things you want, whom respond with love, and whom you like, choose to demonstrate love to everyone, regardless of whether or not you like them and how they respond to you. When you love someone sacrificially, your act of love then becomes an act of worshiping Jesus.
Pursue more of His courage in your convictions. Be willing to stand out and speak up for Jesus in all areas of your life, and with whoever you meet. Take a strong public stand for the uniqueness of who Jesus is; for the truth of the entire Bible; and for the necessity of living a life of integrity, purity, and humility in order to please God. Rather than living a lifestyle that simply blends in with that of non-believers, show people the difference that your relationship with Jesus makes in your attitudes and actions. Pray for the courage you need to stand by biblical convictions when others pressure you to be complacent or politically correct. Ask the Holy Spirit to use all of your conversations with others to glorify God in whatever ways He guides you to do so. No matter how much pressure you encounter to compromise your convictions, decide that you will never give up, shut up, or let up, because of your love for Jesus.
Pursue more of His nearness in your loneliness. When you feel lonely, remember that Jesus is always with you. Pray for more awareness of His presence close to you, and take comfort in it. Although other people may sometimes disappoint you or abandon you, Jesus will always be there for you. Remember that Jesus is much more than just a man, prophet, teacher, revolutionary, icon, or symbol. Jesus is God Himself – and He loves you!
Pursue more of His answers to your prayers. It's an incredible privilege to be able to go directly to God at any time and in any place with your prayers. Jesus has promised that when you ask Him for anything according to His will and believing in His power to act, He will answer. Whenever your prayers seem to go unanswered or turn out the opposite of what you asked God to do (such as when you pray for your career and get laid off or when you pray for a loved one's healing and he or she dies), trust God anyway. Remember that His ways are not your ways, and He will act according to what's best from His unlimited perspective on every situation.
Pursue more of His glory on your knees. Embrace God's purpose for your life single-mindedly and wholeheartedly. Stay focused on what God wants for your life, and do all you can to fulfill that purpose well. Let your determination to do the work God has for you to do lead you to make wise choices like: less sleep and more prayer, less TV and more study, less shopping and more tithing, less eating and more exercise, less talking and more listening, or less work and more worship. Serve God faithfully to glorify Him every day.
Adapted from Pursuing More of Jesus, copyright 2009 by Anne Graham Lotz. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tn., www.thomasnelson.com.
Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of Billy and Ruth Graham, is the President and CEO of AnGeL Ministries, a non-profit organization that undergirds her efforts to draw people into a life-changing relationship with God through His Word. She is the award-winning author of 10 books, including Just Give Me Jesus and I Saw the LORD. Anne has spoken on seven continents, in more than 20 foreign countries, proclaiming the word of God in arenas, churches, seminaries, and even prisons.
13 Ways to Pursue More of Jesus
Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Anne Graham Lotz's new book, Pursuing More of Jesus, (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2009).
Every day presents a fresh opportunity to pursue a closer relationship with Jesus – and the more you have of Jesus in your life, the better your life will be. So don't settle for just occasional encounters with Jesus in some parts of your life. Keep pursuing more of Jesus until your whole life is saturated with His power.
Here's how you can pursue more of Jesus:
Go for the maximum, not the minimum. Choose to go after more than just the bare minimum God has to offer you. Make your faith about more than just trying to escape hell and get your ticket punched to heaven. Invite God to completely transform you: bending your will, awakening your conscience, breaking your heart, transforming your mind, overcoming your prejudices, soaring in your spirit, and conforming you into His glorious image.
Pursue more of His voice in your ear. Out of the many voices you hear speaking to you each day – through other people, circumstances, etc. – you need to learn how to discern what's truly God speaking and what's not. Keep in a mind that any authentic message from God is biblical (straight from God's Word), personal (in the language of your own life), and powerful (resulting in lives either changed for the better or saved). If someone claims to have a message from God for you, test it by making sure that it's in accord with and confirmed by the Bible. Remember Jesus' promise that He would go ahead of you to guide you in every situation. Learn how to recognize Jesus' voice by getting to know the Bible well (reading it, studying it, understanding it, applying it, and living by it) and then trust His guidance when making decisions.
Pursue more of His tears on your face. Jesus understands and cares when you're crying tears of pain. Remember how much He suffered on the Cross, and see your own sufferings as opportunities to draw closer to Jesus. No matter what you're going through – the loss of a job, a friend's betrayal, a health crisis, a spouse's unfaithfulness, a child's rebellion – Jesus is crying along with you and will meet you in the middle of your suffering with His presence.
Pursue more of His praise on your lips. It's easy to praise Jesus when your life is going well, but Jesus is still worthy of praise even when problems and pressures darken your circumstances. Make the deliberate, conscious choice to praise Jesus every day, no matter what, to honor Jesus and learn how to walk by reliable faith instead of shifting feelings. Praise Jesus for who He is by frequently thinking of one His many wonderful attributes and thanking Him for it. Praise Jesus for what He has done by thanking Him for specific blessings in your life on a regular basis. Real praise is affirming your faith even in the midst of desperation when you choose to cling to Jesus alone.
Pursue more of His death in your life. Death produces power that leads to more blessings in life. Just as Jesus died on the Cross so you could be spiritually alive, He wants you to die to your own desires and yield to His desires for you so you can experience the best life possible. God uses pressures, problems, and pain in your life as nails to pin you to cross of your own. If you submit to Him while you go through them, you experience what it's like to die to yourself so God's power can live through you. Every kind of brokenness you experience can lead to a corresponding blessing if you're willing to die to your own: will, goals, dreams, desires, expectations, plans, rights, and reputation. If you choose to die to yourself, God will pour out blessings like a character that reflects His own, a witness that leads to other people's lives being transformed, and rewards from God himself.
Pursue more of His dirt on your hands. Just as Jesus was willing to get His hands dirty serving others willingly, humbly, obediently, and gladly, He expects you to do the same. Choose to serve other people whenever God calls you to – even when it's not convenient or when you're struggling with serious problems of your own. Shift your focus from yourself to Jesus and the people He wants you to serve. In the process, your own problems will become more manageable. Never view yourself as being above any particular type of service – changing diapers, mowing grass, making coffee, visiting prisoners, etc.. When you do any task that God calls you to do, your work – no matter how humble – will become important because you're answering God's call.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
the sad plight of women: The Stoning of Soraya M.
Guilty Until Proven Innocent: The Stoning of Soraya M.
Chuck Colson
BreakPoint
June 25, 2009
A woman is marched out of her small Iranian village, her arms are bound behind her back, and she is buried up to her waist in the sand. The villagers—including her own father, husband, and sons—fling stones at her, showing no sympathy or compassion as the blood runs down her face and soaks through her clothes. They stone her until they're certain she's dead, and then they leave her body on the ground for the wild dogs.
This is what audiences will see in the film The Stoning of Soraya M., made by the filmmaking team behind The Passion of the Christ. It opens in limited release on June 26. I haven't given away any plot twists or surprises—the title of the film tells you all you need to know.
The Stoning of Soraya M. is based on a true story; in fact, you may have read the bestselling book when it came out in 1994. Journalist Freidoune Sahebjam was traveling through Iran when he came upon the village where Soraya had lived and died. He learned about Soraya and her cruel fate from her aunt.
Sahebjam's book gave Soraya a voice from beyond the grave, making her a spokeswoman for all women who have suffered under radical Islam.
Soraya was 35 years old, a wife and mother of seven children, when her husband, Ghorban-Ali, decided to marry a 14-year-old girl. But it would cost him too much to support two families.
Soraya's only crime was being what was called "an inconvenient wife," for standing in the way of her husband's second marriage. For that crime, Ghorban-Ali determined, she had to die. He brought a false accusation of adultery, and with the support of their friends, neighbors, and family, Soraya was sentenced to death.
Soraya's story shocked the world when it was published. At that time, little was known in the outside world about a system that said that an accused wife had to prove her innocence, but if a husband were accused, his wife had to prove his guilt. We must remember that these grave injustices, like what happened to Soraya, are still happening today.
In a review of the movie, Carl Cannon writes, "Soraya M's brutal execution occurred more than two decades ago, but it was only last October that a girl barely into her teens was stoned to death in a stadium in the Somalian port city of Kismayo." Cannon relates that she was accused of adultery, and that her age was given as 23.
However, according to Amnesty International, she was just 13. Cannon writes, "She came into the custody of an Islamic militia when she had the temerity to report to authorities that she had been gang-raped. Her three attackers were not charged. The girl was publicly murdered before 1,000 cheering spectators. Her name was Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow."
This is barbarism. And it's the result of a belief system that ignores the humanity of every person. This is why Christians, who believe in the sanctity of every human life created in the image of God, must fight and keep fighting for the rights of women like Soraya and Aisha—and why we must open the eyes of the world to this dreadful inhumanity.
Visit BreakPoint.org and click on this commentary to find out if The Stoning of Soraya M. will be playing at a theater near you. You'll also find links to ministry resources based on the film.
Chuck Colson's daily BreakPoint commentary airs each weekday on more than one thousand outlets with an estimated listening audience of one million people. BreakPoint provides a Christian perspective on today's news and trends via radio, interactive media, and print.
How Do You Last In Ministry?
How Do You Last In Ministry?
by Rick Warren
Ministry is a marathon: it's not how you start in ministry; it's how you finish. If you look at 2 Corinthians 4:1-18, Paul gives seven suggestions for finishing the race:(v. 1) Remember God's mercy: God has given us our ministries. We don't have to prove our worth through our ministry, and we don't have to wallow in our mistakes. You don't have to earn your place as a pastor or leader in the church.
(v. 2) Be truthful and honest in all you do: Maintain your integrity because integrity produces power in your life, while guilt zaps your energy. You need to finish with your character intact. Your integrity includes how you handle the Word of God. Don't distort it or make it confusing.
(v. 5) Be motivated to work for Jesus' sake, not out of selfish desires: We need a right motivation. A lot of guys start off as servants 
and end up celebrities. You need to learn to live your life for an audience of one, and that one is Jesus Christ.
(v. 7) Realize that Christians are only human: We must accept our limitations, and the quickest way to burn out is to try to be Superman. Humility is being honest about your weaknesses.
(v. 15) Develop a true love for others: Churches thrive, grow and survive when love endures. You must love people or you won't last in the ministry.
(v. 16) Allow time for inward rejuvenation: I have a motto -- Divert daily, withdraw weekly and abandon annually. You need to take time for recharging. In the Air Force, they've mastered the art of mid-flight refueling. You can too – you don't have to land every time you need to refuel.
(v. 17-18) Stay focused on the important things, not distracted by momentary troubles: Keep your eyes on the goal, not the problem. Only he who sees the invisible can accomplish the impossible. To be a winner in the marathon of ministerial service, Christians need to realize great people are just ordinary people with an extraordinary amount of determination. If we run from problems, we'll never be able to become what God wants us to become.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Hope for Your Struggling Teenager
Mark Gregston
When you're struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you've planned and hoped for in the child's life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.
When you're struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you've planned and hoped for in the child's life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.
It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights... finger-pointing arguments... tears... and stress far beyond what they've ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun... or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs... has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It's enough to make you lose all hope.
Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we've seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen... and there is hope for your family... no matter how desperate the situation may seem.
First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God's promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God's Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you're experiencing.
There's nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn't working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.
Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don't make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be -- usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort -- can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do.
This isn't to justify the behavior, but to better understand it. Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn't necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction.
Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn't give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn't know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn't want to be, but it will usually have little effect.
So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map. He'll then know what to expect if he sways off the road. It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.
And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen. Begin with a conversation of restoration. You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you've made mistakes and how you'd like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away.
Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn't. Isn't this what we all desire?
You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won't stop until your wayward one is found. God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn't mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He's going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, "Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore."
Mark Gregston is the host of Parenting Today's Teens radio and the Founder and Executive Director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for struggling teens which can be reached at 903-668-2173.
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