Speak Your Spouse's Language

Whitney Hopler

source: Cw 

Your husband seems to say one thing yet do another. Your wife seems to expect you to read her mind. You and your spouse are frustrated that what you heard each other say wasn't what was meant. Sometimes it can be like your spouse is speaking a different language from yours -- one you don't understand.

But you can learn to speak your spouse's language when you work on communication skills in your marriage. Here's how:

Make your marriage a covenant, not just a contract. God intended marriage to be much more than the contractual relationship it typically is in our society. Viewed as a contract, marriage is simply about what and your spouse agree to do for each other (and if either of you fail, the relationship can be canceled). But God designed marriage to be a covenant, a permanent relationship that's built on unconditional love. The first step in effectively communicating with your spouse is for both of you to view your marriage as a covenant. Be willing to love your spouse with a steadfast love. Decide to focus on what you can do for your spouse, instead of on what you want your spouse to do for you.

Realize that communication leads to intimacy. The better you and your spouse communicate, the closer your relationship will become. Aim to build intimacy by focusing on your communication skills. Think of how loved you each will feel in a truly intimate marriage, and let that thought motivate you to improve the way you communicate.

Plan a daily sharing time with your spouse. Schedule a time each day or night to give each other a few minutes of undivided attention.

Take turns asking each other to share three experiences that happened in your lives today and how you feel about them.

Change unhealthy communication patterns. Instead of trying to achieve peace at any price, recognize that conflict is necessary to deal with issues and find solutions to problems. Rather than blaming your spouse for everything, ask God to show you how you've contributed to problems. Then take responsibility for your own failures, confess them to God, and ask for His help to change. Instead of expressing only your reasonable thoughts and hiding your feelings, realize that you must share your emotions as well as your logic if you're going to build true intimacy with your spouse. Rather than ignoring your spouse's offensive actions or comments, hoping that they'll go away, realize that the problems between you will never go away on their own. The only way to get them to go away is to work together to solve them.

Raise the level of your communication. Get to know the five different levels of communication. Then aim to go to the highest level -- level five -- with your spouse. Level one is hallway talk like "Fine, how are you?". Level two is reporter talk like "Just give me the facts." Level three is intellectual talk like "Do you know what I think?". Level four is emotional talk like "Do you know how I feel?". Level five is the most intimate -- loving, genuine truth talk like "Let's be honest." On this level, you can speak the truth in love to each other. You can be honest but not condemning, and open but not demanding. You can give each other the freedom to think and feel differently about issues, situations, and people. You work to understand each other's thoughts and feelings, looking for ways to grow together in spite of your differences.

Get to know yourself well. You must know yourself before you can share yourself with your spouse. Train yourself to become more attentive to your five senses (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting) to be able to fully experience situations. Pay closer attention to the way you interpret your experiences. Notice how the way you interpret experiences affects your emotions and your behavior. Consider what your spouse may have said or done lately that you interpreted in a wrong way.  Ask God to help you avoid jumping to conclusions about situations in your marriage, and instead take the time to find out what truly motivated your spouse to speak or act in certain ways. Get to know your emotions, what triggers them, and how the way you feel affects the way you behave.

 

Recognize your desires, and the different values you place on each of them. Consider whether your desires are good or bad, loving or selfish -- and how those desires and their varying intensities are affecting your marriage. Then come to understand how your behavior reveals the reality of your choices. When you act a certain way toward your spouse, you're making a choice, whether you're fully aware of it or not. If you pay more attention to the choices you're making -- even at the subconscious level -- you can change your behavior by changing your choices. Ask God to help you integrate your feelings and desires with your intellect and your will. Instead of letting your changing emotions rule your life, decide to live by the timeless truths of the Bible. Pray for the strength you need to deal with your emotions maturely, so you can remain committed to your marriage even during tough times.

Learn the art of self-revelation. Once you discover who you truly are, be willing to share yourself with your spouse in order to build intimacy in your marriage. Practice telling your spouse about your experiences, interpretations, feelings, desires, and behavior. The more you reveal about yourself, the less your spouse has to guess, and the better he or she can understand you -- which will draw the two of your closer together.

Clarify your priorities and goals. Aim to work with your spouse to grow together into the people God wants you become. Think and pray about your current priorities in life: your faith, family, friends, work, church, personal enrichment, etc.  Consider whether or not each one reflects what's important to God. A successful marriage depends on both you and your spouse bringing your priorities in line with God's priorities. Once you and your spouse agree with God and each other about priorities, it's time to set goals to help you accomplish your priorities. Be sure to make your goals specific, realistic, and measurable. Set goals for the growth you'd like to see happen in your marriage, and keep in mind that growth usually happens gradually, so be patient with each other as long as you're making some progress. Discuss your goals with your spouse regularly to keep each other motivated and on track.

Make time for what's most important. You and your spouse may be very busy, but how much are you actually accomplishing? Examine the ways you're currently using your time. Write down how you spend your time over the course of a week; then analyze the information to decide what to eliminate. Delegate some of your responsibilities, such as by having your children take over certain household chores or hiring someone to help with tasks like doing your taxes or mowing your lawn. Schedule time to be your spouse in focused ways, rather than hoping that you can do so spontaneously and having other activities take over. Encourage each other to take time regularly to be alone, and use that time to think, pray, and reflect on life.

Identify your differences and make them assets. Notice the many differences between your personality and that of your spouse: one of you likes to stay up late and one likes to get up early, one likes to save money and one likes to spend, one talks a lot and the other is quiet, one is neat and one is messy, etc. Remember that God has created each of you to be unique. No matter how much your spouse's different approach to life may irritate you, decide not to view your differences as liabilities. If you work together to discover how your differences complement each other, those differences can become assets, strengthening your marriage. Don't condemn each other for being different. Instead, ask God to help you make the most of your differences so that they'll enhance your lives together. Whenever you and your spouse notice how one of your strengths is helping the other in an area in which he or she is weak, thank each other.

Change defensive attitudes. Remember that your spouse is not your enemy; he or she is your ally. Figure out what's causing you to feel defensive in your marriage: perhaps self-esteem issues, unresolved conflict, or physical deprivation. Understand how you usually express defensiveness: through verbal retaliation, withdrawal, or speaking to your spouse through your children instead of directly. Whenever you catch yourself reacting defensively, learn from the experience by asking yourself: "What emotions did I feel when I responded defensively?", "What message did my spouse's statement communicate to me?", "What did my response, verbally or behaviorally, communicate to my spouse?", and "What did my response reveal about me?". Also consider how larger issues in your marriage may be contributing to your defensiveness, and discuss those issues with your spouse. Then explore ways of relating to each other more constructively. For example, when you want your spouse to do something, approach him or her with a request instead of a demand. Also, rather than saying "You should ..." or "You ought ..." say "In my opinion ...".  The more you and your spouse feel that you value and believe in each other, the less defensive you'll each become.

Build intimacy. Ask God to help both you and your spouse be transparent and open with one another so you'll enjoy the freedom to know and be known. Make sure you're each experiencing intimacy with God, since you can't be experience intimacy with each other until you each are close to God first. Communicate with God often through prayer, and communicate with your spouse honestly and openly each day. Confess your own selfishness whenever you recognize it and ask for mercy and forgiveness whenever you need it.

 

Ask God to pour out His love for your spouse through you and make you an agent of positive change in your spouse's life. Over time, work to regain trust that has been lost in your relationship. Develop stronger emotional intimacy by expressing love, respect, and appreciation to your spouse more often. Build stronger intellectual intimacy by learning how to listen to each other well and discussing ideas in ways that respect each other when your opinions differ. Develop stronger sexual intimacy by working together until you both find mutual fulfillment in your physical relationship. Stay committed to each other, refraining from looking outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment. Communicate often and openly about your sexual needs and desires. Look out for your spouse's best interests in other areas of your lives, too, to grow the kind of love you need to fuel a healthy sexual connection. Build stronger spiritual intimacy by encouraging each other to become more like Christ every day. Pray together, talk about what God is doing in each of your lives, study the Bible together, and serve God together through your local church and in other ways as He leads you. Dream together about the future, and ask God to make His dreams for your marriage come true.

Published January 14, 2008

Adapted from Now You're Speaking My Language, copyright 2007 by Gary Chapman. Published by B&H Publishing Group, Nashville, Tn., www.bhpublishinggroup.com.           

Gary Chapman has traveled extensively around the world challenging couples to pursue healthy, growing marriages. Since 1979, Gary has written more than 20 books. His book The Five Love Languages has sold 4 million copies in English alone and has been translated into 36 languages. He has also appeared on several television and radio programs and has his own daily radio program called "A Love Language Minute" that can be heard on more than 100 radio stations across the United States. In addition to his busy writing and seminar schedule, Gary Chapman is a senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where he has served for 36 years. Gary and his wife, Karolyn, have been married for 45 years, have two adult children, and two grandchildren.
 

How to Live for the Greatest Cause

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

cause – you'll find meaning and satisfaction. 

Living your life just for yourself will ultimately leave you unfulfilled. But if you choose to live for something bigger than yourself – a cause – you'll find meaning and satisfaction. 

The greatest cause of all is the cause of Christ. That's the cause God created you for, and when you devote your life to it, everything you do takes on eternal significance.

 

Here's how you can live for the greatest cause of all:

 

Discover your purpose. Your appearance on this planet at this time in history isn't just by chance. God planned for you to be here, and He hopes you'll fulfill a specific purpose during your lifetime. Reject any notion that your life is merely a random happening, and set out to understand more about God's kingdom and the unique part you're meant to play in it. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you. Instead of looking at your life in terms of what you think you lack, consider the amazing reality that you've been born for the greatest cause of all, and trust God to empower you to do whatever He is calling you to do.

 

Plant yourself in a church that will nourish you. Find a healthy church in your area and get fully involved in it. Don't just attend casually; develop close friendships with the people there, participate in the activities, and serve wholeheartedly. As you do, God will release more and more of your potential as a person. You'll grow in vital ways that will help you fulfill your purpose. The church is the vehicle through which God's kingdom will take hold in your life and move you forward into what God wants you to do.

 

Connect your vision to God's cause. Make sure the vision that guides your life supports the cause of Christ. Surrender your own agenda to God and pursue His plans for your life. Base all your decisions on what's most important to Christ rather than just on what seems like a good idea to you. As exciting as your own vision might be, it will lack power unless you connect it to God's cause. Once your own vision aligns with the cause, however, you'll be able to accomplish much more than you could ever imagine.

 

Unite with others around the cause. Work with other people who are single-minded in their vision to serve Christ and His church. Confront and overcome division, wrong motives, disloyalty, and disunity. Do all you can to promote unity so God's purposes can stand and His kingdom can advance on earth.

 

Approach life from an eternal perspective. Keep in mind that your life can impact the future in powerful ways. If you're living faithfully, everything about you can provoke people to think about eternity. And if you're serving as God leads you, all of your efforts have eternal significance. Consider what kind of legacy you want to leave on earth. Every day, invest your time and energy into what matters most and don't let lesser pursuits distract you from what's most important.

 

Live as someone who has been called, not just saved. God has saved you not just to spend an eternity with Him in heaven, but also to make a positive difference on earth. Every situation and every person you encounter presents a fresh opportunity to live out your God-given calling. Let your gratitude for the salvation God has given you motivate you to reach out to others who need salvation. Be as active as you can in serving as God calls you to serve.

 

Use what God has given you. Discover, develop, and fully use your natural talents and spiritual gifts. God has given them to you to help you fulfill specific purposes in His kingdom. No matter what you're especially good at doing – comforting hurting people, working with numbers, creating art, etc. – decide to do it for God's glory as often as you can. Don't underestimate the power of your abilities. Seize each opportunity God presents to use them and look forward to what God will do as a result. If you're not serving much already, start out being faithful in small acts of service, and expect God to eventually open doors to larger opportunities to serve.

 

Work hard. Hard work can serve as the launching pad for God's purpose for your life to take off to great heights. Instead of taking the easy road, commit to working hard every day so that others will notice your dedication to serving God. Whatever kind of work you do, do it wholeheartedly, knowing that it has eternal significance since God has called you to do it. Ask God to help you get rid of stress, striving, emptiness, and anxiety related to your work and approach it with joy instead. Pray for God to use your work as a conduit through which to pour His love into people's lives. Look beyond your work tasks themselves to the results they can accomplish – making the world a better place. Enjoy the blessings that come about because of your hard work.

 

Stay focused on your purpose. Focusing on God's purpose for your life will propel you into effective action every day and prevent wasting precious time and energy on distractions. Keep in mind that your life isn't meant to be a to-do list of competing priorities; it's meant to a unified life that's centered on God, with everything you do flowing naturally from your relationship with Him. Don't let your perceived shortcomings hold you back from the future God has for you. Trust God to help you do absolutely anything He calls you to do. No matter how busy you are, if you focus on God's purpose for your life, He will replenish your energy and give you peace. No matter what struggles you've gone through in the past, pursuing God's purpose will bring you the healing you need to overcome your wounds and limitations.

 

Use your time well. It will take time to build a life powerfully lived for the cause of Christ, so don't give up when you get frustrated about something in your life not progressing as well as you'd like. Every day, freshly devote yourself to the cause. Recognize that each new day is a gift from God that is valuable in shaping your destiny and contributions to the world. Expect different seasons of time to bring different experiences into your life. Rejoice during the good times, and lean into God during the hard times, learning how to trust Him more. Notice the extraordinary things God is doing in the ordinary moments of your life and seek to join Him in His work. Remain committed to fulfilling God's purpose in your life at all times.

 

Use your money well. If you use your money just for yourself, it will come to master you by stealing your affections away from everything else. But if you use it to help you pursue God's plans for your life, it will serve you as a valuable tool to accomplish what matters most. Be generous when you give and wise when you invest, so you won't squander any of the potential you have to achieve great results for God's kingdom with your money. Remember that God is the one who has given you the ability to earn money; thank Him by managing it as well as you possibly can.

 

Get rid of selfishness. Live beyond your personal desires by surrendering your will daily to God. Trust in God's plans for your life rather than trying to force your own agenda. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you, and derive confidence from that so you won't be preoccupied with your own desires and will be able to accomplish much more than you could ever imagine yourself.

 

Stand on your convictions. Hold steadfastly to your beliefs, refusing to give in to the world's pressures to compromise. Rather making yourself vulnerable to having others change you, pray for God to give you the strength to lead others to change. Become an agent of positive change in the world, shining Christ's light into dark places. Get to know the Bible well, letting its truths soak into your soul so they'll be there when you need them for encouragement. Pray often for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind so you'll be thinking according to truth instead of the world's confused patterns.

 

Remain committed. Whatever challenges you face – from health issues to financial problems – if you consistently make your relationship with God your top priority, He will give you the strength you need to get through it all well. Devote yourself to God daily. Seek His healing for internal issues that can interfere with your ability to grow, confront evil, confess your sins, be reconciled to other people, and make whatever sacrifices you need to keep serving God wholeheartedly.

 

Adapted from For This I Was Born: Aligning Your Vision to God's Cause, copyright 2008 by Brian Houston. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tn., www.thomasnelson.com. 
Brian Houston and his wife, Bobbie, are the senior pastors of Australia's largest church, Hillsong Church in Sydney, which has a growing congregation of more than twenty-one thousand people. They also oversee the extended ministries that include Hillsong Music Australia, Hillsong Conference, and the Hillsong International Leadership College. Hillsong Television is also broadcast in more than 180 nations.

Submission: Insights from a Strong-Willed Wife

Debbie L. Cherry, Ph.D

Author, The Strong-Willed Wife

source: Crosswalk

"My husband is just not the leader type.  It takes him forever to make a decision.  If he won't lead then I guess I have to."

 

"I know my husband can lead because he's great at it at work.  But at home he just lets me do it all."

 

"I wouldn't mind letting my husband lead our family…as long as he does it the way I would."

 

Have you ever found yourself making comments like those?  If so, it's very likely that you are a strong-willed wife.  There are some amazingly wonderful things about being blessed with a strong-willed personality.  And as long as those traits are controlled by the Holy Spirit we strong-willed wives can bring changes to the world around us and do amazing things for the kingdom of heaven.  But those same traits can cause some serious difficulties as we are trying to have a marriage that follows God's ordained authority structure in our marriages.  As strong-willed women, we struggle to let go of control and really allow our husbands to take their God given role in our homes.  But it is something that we really have to learn to do if we want a marriage that God continues to bless.

 

Strong willed women think fast, move fast and make decisions fast, and expect others to do the same.  But when our husbands don't meet these expectations we tend to step in and do it for them.  What if your husband would be willing to make more decisions but you don't allow him the time he needs to do so?  And what if the decision he makes isn't the same one you would have made?  Would you still let his decision stand?  Many husbands may be more cautious and slow in their decision making but that doesn't mean they won't or can't lead.  A husband who has never taken the lead may need to take on this responsibility in stages, just as you will likely need to release your responsibility and control in stages.  

 

So if you are ready to start letting your strong willed personality work in your favor and really start using your personality to honor God and your husband, here's some things to help get you started as you learn to let go of control and let your husband lead:

 

1.      Talk openly with your husband about what you plan to work on:    This will help your husband know where to join you in prayer about the changes you are going to be making.  It will also help him be aware of the areas you are working on and be available to give praise and encouragement along the way.  And finally, open communication is necessary so the two of you together can identify what areas you are going to start handing the reigns over to him in first.  If you don't discuss this and you just decide to release the reigns without him knowing it's his turn to pick them up and lead, then the whole family could go running out of control with no one in the leadership role.   

 

 

2.      Stop doing everything:  Once you and your husband have talked about the areas where you both want to start making changes, then it's time to step back in those areas and give him the space and time he needs to take the lead.  As you back off, remember that over time your husband has probably become dependent on you to do it all because you always have.  So be patient and wait for him to do what he has said he will do.  How far you have to back off will be different for every marriage.  But I assure you it will be further than you are comfortable with.

 

3.      Set realistic expectations for you and your husband:  If you expect perfection (as most of us strong willed wives do) from either yourself or your husband then you are setting both of you up for disappointment.  Not only will husband not be perfect as he tries to learn about godly headship, but you also won't be perfect in your attempts to let go and let him lead.  If you set realistic expectations you will be able to see your successes as steps forward and your failures as learning experiences.

 

4.      Take ownership of your behaviors:  This means that you will have to stop blaming others, stop denying the behaviors, and stop avoiding responsibility for your behaviors.  All three of these are things that we strong-willed wives often do.  We have to learn how to take ownership of our part of the problems that come up in our relationships and when we do we need to learn to apologize and seek forgiveness for them.

 

5.      Stop criticizing:  We strong-willed wives tend to focus on our way of doing things and saying things as the right way (and sometimes the only way).  When people do it differently we feel it necessary to correct them.  But learning to control our tongue will make a huge difference in our relationship with our husbands.  The key to this step is to learn to accept your husband's differences and to understand that different does NOT mean wrong.  If you continue to criticize your husband or redo what he's done, you undermine your attempts to let him lead. 

 

6.      Praise often:  The other side of controlling your tongue is learning to give praise on a regular basis.  You need to learn to look for the good in this man that God has blessed you with, and be open with your praise.  Make a conscious effort to look for things that he does or traits that you see in him that are praiseworthy and shower him with these comments.  Say things that let him know that you trust and respect him and his ability to lead your household.  These statements will make him start to feel like the man of the house again and like the man God created him to be.

 

7.      Strive toward unity:  Biblical submission has as its ultimate goal a stronger and more intimate marital relationship.  It's about blending into one flesh and setting aside our selfish desires.  We are on the same team and working toward the same goal.  So when it comes to decisions within your home, the ultimate goal needs to be unity.  To experience this unity you will need a plan of action that the two of you have agreed upon and that keeps you moving in the same direction.  The plan can take several different forms as long as you come up with it together, both agree that it is a workable solution and then follow through with it. 

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Debbie L. Cherry, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the CEO of Today's Family Treasures. http://www.tftreasures.org/

Article is adapted from her book:  The Strong-Willed Wife:  Using your personality to honor God and your husband.  NavPress, 2007.

Four Benefits of Putting Margin in Your Life

by Rick Warren

source: RWMT

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***

Here are four immediate benefits you'll receive by building margin into your life:

 

1. Peace of mind. When you're not always hurrying and worrying, you have time to think, time to relax, time to enjoy life. We had a bird come into the building one evening before service. He started singing, and it was just like we'd been given an invitation: "Just relax. Everybody except those sitting directly under the bird, relax."

 

2. Better health. Unrelenting stress harms our bodies. We all know that, yet we let it continue day after day after day. Many times we only build margin in our lives after the heart attack almost happens or does happen, or the blood pressure skyrockets. Why do we wait until our health plummets before we make this decision? Why not realize thatwe need to build some margin intoour lives now? The truth is your body needs downtime in order to heal. Race cars make pit stops occasionally in order to get repaired. You can't fix anything going 200 miles an hour. Yet, we try to repair ourselves while we're still racing through life. Margin builds in time for better health.

 

3. Stronger relationships. Lack of margin is one big reason for the collapse of the American family today. When we don't make relationships a priority and make time for each other, our relationships suffer. Relationships take time; and margin provides the time to sit and talk, to listen and enjoy one another, and to provide the comfort we each need.

 

4. Usefulness in ministry. When you're overloaded by activity, you can only think of yourself. You're in survival mode, just trying to make it through another day. But being available to God for his use makes all the difference in this world.

 

When you have no margin in your life and God taps you on the shoulder, saying, "I'd like you to do this for me," your first response isn't joy. Your first response is, "Oh, no! Another thing to do! Sorry, God – I'd like to do that, but I'm just too busy."

 

We end up resenting the great opportunities God brings into our lives. But when you have margin, you're available for God to use.
You don't have to live on overload. You don't have to live in survival mode. Begin today to build a buffer around your schedule. Then enjoy the benefits of margin and see what God does next!

 

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., one of America's largest and best-known churches. In addition, Rick is author of the New York Times bestseller The Purpose Driven Life and The Purpose Driven Church, which was named one of the 100 Christian books that changed the 20th Century. He is also founder of Pastors.com, a global Internet community for ministers.

Become a Wife of Goodwill

 

Sandy Coughlin

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2: 14

"Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright." Proverbs 14: 9

After seventeen years of marriage, I can look back and say that it was my job to love my husband, Paul. Not to change him. It's God's job to make him good and my responsibility to express goodwill – not condemnation.

Was I a woman of goodwill?

I was tested by this "goodwill" question when I married a Christian Nice Guy (CNG) seventeen years ago.  A CNG, you might ask?  Let me explain. I didn't realize that the daily abuse my husband suffered as a child would affect our everyday life together. What I thought were such "nice" Christian qualities in my husband when we married turned into frustrations and fireworks because of my husband's passive approach to life. Oh, don't get me wrong.  My husband had amazing qualities, so that to this day I have never looked back. 

What exactly is goodwill in a marriage?

Goodwill is a tangible, practical expression of love. Helpfulness, concern, care, friendly disposition – are all related to goodwill and all lead to intimacy.  It is the willingness to act in a spirit of cooperation, instead of trying to win arguments. It is proactive, alive, and dynamic. Goodwill is not a passive attribute. Goodwill is among the most concrete ways of expressing love and fostering intimacy, yet when we think about this word, we think of used clothing. 

How do you know if you have it?

The "will to do good" toward your spouse is more than having good feelings for him (thank goodness). Though good feelings are important, goodwill also includes kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, and practical support. This is wonderful news for CNG wives, because controlling how we feel is often harder than exerting our will to determine our good actions. 

It's okay and even normal to have mixed feelings about your husband at times. For me, being an assertive woman, I found myself frustrated in this passive marriage. My husband lived under the radar of life. He felt that if he lived life safely, his problems would be few. And this affected the intimacy between us, though we both yearned for more depth in our relationship.

Intimacy is a choice, and you have to be available, present and vulnerable with one another. My CNG didn't always feel safe with me, so it was easier for him to not always "show up."  It was difficult for him to make his wants and needs known and he didn't always come clean with how he felt.  In turn, I often found myself walking on eggshells - not a fun way to live.

 

How do you lose goodwill?

Goodwill, present in most marriages when vows are exchanged, can become virtually buried under the rubble of anger, resentment and dwindling respect that builds over time.  Coming to terms with these emotions is vital if you're going to give your efforts toward helping intimacy grow.

If you lack goodwill, take up the task of becoming a worthy steward of your husband's heart. It worked for me. I learned to be more supportive and understanding of my husband's wacky past, and I started pulling out my secret weapon – empathy.  I became a woman of goodwill when I made an effort to understand Paul more, and I stopped the nagging, coercing, attacking and shaming which only pushed him further from me.

I came to the understanding that passive people are made (through life's experiences), and not born.  As I  started becoming more empathetic toward Paul, my respect strengthened. I increasingly was able to see his struggles in a healthier light. My respect for him was enhanced even more once he started being more open and honest and he began to exert his will and express his feelings. 

When it comes to love and intimacy, goodwill is like silverware: Almost everyone can learn how to use it, even though we weren't born knowing how, and even though some of us took a long time to try it. Goodwill is remarkably practical and beneficial for those who produce it and receive it.

(excerpts taken from Married but Not Engaged, Bethany House, 2006)

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Sandy Coughlin is a wife and mother of 3. She loves her family and loves blessing other people's lives by entertaining in her home. Sandy's husband, Paul, (who used to be the reluctant entertainer) has come on board, and they often offer hospitality together. Sandy and Paul co-authored a book called Married but Not Engaged(Bethany House, Aug. 2006). It's written to women who are married to "checked out" or emotionally absent men and who want to create a more satisfying, intimate relationship. This article was adapted from Sandy's regularly updated blog "4 Reluctant Entertainers," which you can visit at www.reluctantentertainer.com. Get more information on Married but Not Engaged by clicking here. Visit Paul's website at: http://www.paulcoughlin.net/

Have a 'Clean Slate' Marriage in '09

April Motl 

source: CW
 
Have you ever noticed how no one ever starts a new diet on a Friday?  Nope. We all know that Monday is the day to start a new diet. Along that same vein, most of us "know" the first of the month is the time to begin a new financial habit and the New Year is the time we wipe the slate clean and start fresh in just about every area of our lives. There isn't anything magical about January 1st but we seem to honor it as the day of new beginnings. 

New beginnings are great, but there is a whole lot more to wiping the slate clean than just turning the page on the calendar. Take our marriages for example.

Marriage is a complex and wonderful relationship that at its best reflects a constant state of "clean slate" thinking and interaction.  God's design for marriage was to mirror His love for us -- a love that is constantly faithful to forgive us and freely invites us into His loving presence to experience a deeper relationship with Him. Despite our calling to imitate God's "clean slate" love, it is easy to fall short in our marriages. And over time, failing to love each other as God loves us can become "just the way things are" in our marriages. 

Maintaining a clean slate marriage is not simply about having an absence of offenses in your relationship. It is having a fresh stream of living water running through the heart of your relationship at all times. As we formulate New Year's resolutions to shed pounds, get organized and send birthday cards to all our friends and family on time this year (I always mess that one up!), we ought to also evaluate the state of our marriage. What is the fuel our relationship runs on? Where is our marriage headed? How are we growing? What is great about us as a couple? What isn't? 

If we want to have marriages with streams of Living Water running through the center, we need to honestly assess a few things:
1. Have you asked Jesus to be your personal Lord and Savior?  He promises Living Water to spring up in the dry places in your heart when you accept His sacrifice and invite Him into your life (John 4:14).  If your spouse has not begun a relationship with Jesus, don't give up hope.  Pray for them diligently!

2. Do you seek Him daily through His Word?  When we read, believe and act on the Bible the broken places in us as individuals and in our marriages can be washed clean (Ephesians 5:26, Romans 12:2).  How much time do you read the Bible or Christian books together as a couple?  It has taken my husband and I a lot of energy and focus to maintain a habit of reading together (and we don't do it perfectly) but the blessings are incalculable.  It draws us together, gives us perspective and grows us.

3. Do you pray together everyday?  Studies have shown that couples who pray together, stay together!  When my husband and I pray together we are drawn near to each other in honesty as we come before our Lord and all the worries and concerns are openly discussed with our Father.  Sometimes busyness, tone of voice and all sorts of little daily things can cloud how we perceive our spouse's love and support.  When I hear my husband petition the Father on my behalf I see his love for me clearly.  When I hear him lift up a weakness or mistake I can perceive his heart on the matter more plainly than I might in a discussion or just watching him go about life.  Prayer is for us to communicate with God; not each other.  But it can bless us to be prayed with and for by our spouse. 

4. Do you regularly forgive your spouse?  Bitter water can spring up between you when harsh words are exchanged, when confidences are broken and offenses racked up.  Forgiving and asking for forgiveness will clean away the junk that can pile up between you and your spouse (1 John 1:9).

 

5. Are the things you devote your time and attention to constructive to your marriage?  My husband and I have to fight the "demands of the daily" to take our weekly date nights (which might consist of staying home and just enjoying each other's company without interruption instead of an expensive night on the town).  Things like TV, video games, the phone, internet, etc can steal away hours that could have been spent in something that would bear fruit.  These things are not bad in and of themselves, but they can distract and eventually dry up that abundant stream that is supposed to flow through the heart of a marriage. 

Having a clean slate in marriage isn't about dates on a calendar.  It is about the attitude we carry in our hearts toward one another and the things we allow to flow through the center of our relationship.  It is about treasuring your relationship enough to devote the energy and purpose to guard the quality of your marriage.  May rivers of abundant love, joy and peace flow through the heart of your marriage in 2009!

 

 

For a free list of 31 ways to cultivate a "clean slate marriage" contact us at info@InHisEyesMinistries.com.
April Motl and her husband, Eric, minister at their church in Southern California where he is a pastor on staff.  April is the founder of In His Eyes Ministries; a teaching ministry devoted to helping women see their life from God's perspective. For more information about the ministry visit www.InHisEyesMinistries.com

How to make your church guest-friendly

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A guest's first 12 minutes dramatically influence whether they're coming back or not. You never get a second chance to make

a first impression.

 

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There are a lot of reasons a church might grow. Sometimes people come because of the preaching. Sometimes people come because of the music. Some people like the great programs for kids and youth.

 

But I'm convinced there's an often overlooked factor in church growth: Growing churches are friendly to guests. All churches think they're friendly, but when you take a good look at them, you often discover they're friendly to people who have been attending for 15 years or more – not to new people.

 

A guest's first 12 minutes dramatically influence whether they're coming back or not. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. When non-Christians come to your church for the first time, their number one emotion is fear. What will people think? What are they going to do? Am I going to have to sign something, sing something, sacrifice something, or say something? They don't know what's going on, and they're scared to death.

 

Your first goal with guests (and by the way, I never call them visitors) is to get them to relax. Then you can communicate with them. When people are afraid, their barriers are up and it's like, "I dare you to teach me something!" No matter how good your sermon is, they won't listen to the Good News about Jesus until they get past those fears. You need to put guests at ease.

How do you do that? Here are some ideas:

 

Reserve your best parking spots for guests. It just shows you're thinking about them. If you had guests for dinner at your house, you'd probably do whatever it took to make them feel more comfortable. You'd give them your best silverware and your best dishes. You might ask them about food preferences before you plan the meal. You should show the same type of courtesies to guests at your church.

 

Station greeters outside your building. You need people strategically placed around your campus to greet guests. At Saddleback, we used to play a game. I would dare people to get into the building without having their hand shaken at least three times. We place greeters way out in the parking lot. Why? We've found that people hate to be greeted publicly during the service, but they love to be greeted personally.

 

Set up an information table. Put all sorts of information on the table that might help people find their way around. Put maps out with classrooms and restrooms easily marked. Put out brochures about the church that give people information they can take home and read at their convenience. Most importantly, have hosts stationed there to help people find their way around. Make sure your hosts know where the restrooms are and where the children should go!

 

Have taped music playing when people enter. In America almost every public building has music playing. Even in the elevator, music is playing. You go into the restroom and music is playing. You go into a restaurant and music is playing. Why? Because people expect to hear music. If you walked into a church right now and everyone was dead silent when you walked in, you'd probably be uncomfortable. On the other hand, if you heard fairly loud praise music playing, you'd feel much more comfortable.

 

Here's something interesting I've found: If you play soft music, people talk softly. But if you play loud music, people talk louder. When non-Christians come into your church, they want it to be noisy. They want to hear what's going on.

 

Allow guests to remain anonymous in the service. Please don't make guests stand up. The three greatest fears people have are going to a party with strangers, having to speak before a crowd, and being asked personal questions in public. So when we ask our guests to tell us their name and where they are from in front of everyone, we subject them to all three of their greatest fears at one time. Bad idea.

 

How do you identify guests if you don't have them stand up? Have them fill out a welcome card. Then someone from the church can connect with them later.

 

Offer a warm, casual public welcome that relaxes people. If you want to make guests feel welcome, you've got to be at ease yourself. That's what most people expect – just watch the late-night TV shows. Like it or not, how the pastor and the worship leader interact with each other sets the tone for good or for bad in a service.

 

In early years at Saddleback we used to say, "If this is your first time at Saddleback, we're glad you're here. We want you take a deep breath, sit back, relax, and enjoy the service." You know where I got that? I heard someone say it on an airline once! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. All we're trying to do is help them relax and then make them feel comfortable.

 

Begin and end each service by having people greet each other. Five times in the New Testament Christians are told to greet one another and share affection. I'll say during the service, "Turn around and give somebody a hug. Turn around and give somebody a handshake." I've been told by some that's the only physical touch they get all week. And human beings need touch. It's a great way to help lower the barriers of your guests.

 

Offer a refreshment table at each service. Today in our society, it's not appropriate to just stand in a crowd doing nothing. You have to have something in your hand. That's why they have cocktail parties. People like to have something in their hand when they're hanging out and mingling. Out on the patio, I'll see a 300-pound guy who thinks he's hiding behind a Styrofoam cup! He's very comfortable as long as he has something in his hand if somebody looks at him and he's not talking.

 

You have to break down the fear barriers before people will ever open up to your message and consider coming back to your church. Try these guest-friendly tips in coming weeks, and help your church grow in 2009.