Hope for Your Struggling Teenager

Mark Gregston
 
When you're struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you've planned and hoped for in the child's life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights... finger-pointing arguments... tears... and stress far beyond what they've ever experienced before.  The energetic little boy who was so fun... or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs... has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It's enough to make you lose all hope.

Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we've seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen... and there is hope for your family... no matter how desperate the situation may seem.

First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God's promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God's Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you're experiencing.

There's nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn't working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.

 

Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don't make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be -- usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort -- can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do.

This isn't to justify the behavior, but to better understand it.  Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn't necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction.

 

Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn't give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn't know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn't want to be, but it will usually have little effect. 

So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map.  He'll then know what to expect if he sways off the road.  It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.

 

And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen.  Begin with a conversation of restoration.  You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you've made mistakes and how you'd like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away.

Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn't. Isn't this what we all desire?

You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won't stop until your wayward one is found. God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn't mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He's going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, "Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore."

 

 

Mark Gregston is the host of Parenting Today's Teens radio and the Founder and Executive Director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for struggling teens which can be reached at 903-668-2173.

Ten 'CAN'-mandments

by Rick Warren

In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:
"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13 NIV).

So often we think of commandments as a list of don'ts. Instead of focusing on what we can't do, let's start looking at what we can with this list of ten "can"-mandments!

 

1. Instead of thinking, "It will never fly," think, "Through God's strength, it's worth the try!"

 

2. Replace the thought, "It won't work," with faith that, with God's strength, it will work!

 

3. When someone says, "It's never been done before," respond by saying, "That means God's giving us the opportunity to be the first."

 

4. "What if we fail?" What if we fail to try, knowing God says we can do everything through Him who gives us strength?

 

5. "We don't have the money." Where God guides, he provides so that we can do everything he has called us to do.

 

6. "We don't have the time!" Perhaps God is telling us to re-evaluate our priorities as we rely upon his direction and strength.

 

7. "We don't have the expertise." Maybe not, but we can learn as God directs our path.

 

8. "It's been tried before." But we're wiser now because we know we can do everything when we rely on God's strength instead of our own.

 

9. If someone says, "There are so many problems with it," respond by saying, "Yet, there are so many possibilities when we're trusting God instead of ourselves."

 

10. Instead of saying, "It's not working out," say instead, "Let's try it one more time, but this time focused on God and the truth that we can do this through Him who gives us strength."

 

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse" (Philippians 4:8 MSG).

 

news: Church of Sweden Elects Lesbian Bishop

RNS/ENI

June 2, 2009

UPPSALA, Sweden (RNS/ENI) -- The newly-elected Lutheran bishop of Stockholm says that being a lesbian means she wants to stand alongside people who feel powerless.

"I know what it is to be called into question," the Rev. Eva Brunne said in an article on the Web site of the Church of Sweden after her Tuesday (May 26) election. "I am in the lucky situation that I have power and I can use it for the benefit of those who have no power."

Brunne, who is currently the dean of the Stockholm diocese, is the first Church of Sweden bishop to live in a registered homosexual partnership, the Uppsala-headquartered church said, and she is believed to be the first openly lesbian bishop in the world.

Brunne, 55, lives with priest Gunilla Linden in a partnership that has received a church blessing. They have a three-year-old son.

"Once you have been baptized, no one can say you cannot be part of the Church because you are homo-, bi-, or transsexual," the Web site of the French periodical Ttu quoted Brunne as saying.
She clinched the post by 413 votes against 365 votes for Hans Ulfvebrand; she will succeed Bishop Caroline Krook, who is to retire in November.

In 2003, the consecration of a V. Eugene Robinson, an openly gay man who lives with a male partner, as the Episcopal bishop of New Hampshire triggered a deep division and threatened a schism in the worldwide Anglican Communion.

Lutheran churches throughout the world hold different views about matters of human sexuality, including the acceptance of homosexuals in church life and blessings for same-sex relationships.
The Church of Sweden, which offers a special blessing for same-sex couples, has faced criticism from some other Lutheran churches, particularly those in African countries.

Copyright 2009 Religion News Service and Ecumenical News International. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Confront People without Offending Them

by Whitney Hopler of Crosswalk

 

A husband who won't help his wife with household chores. A spendthrift woman who's constantly trying to borrow money from her friends. A boss with an anger problem who alienates his employees. A grandma who's tired of being asked to babysit so often that she doesn't have enough time to herself. These are just a few examples of the many issues that, if not dealt with, can permanently damage relationships.

 

All too often, people either avoid conflict or deal with it in clumsy, ineffective ways. Such approaches only make conflicts worse. But if you follow God's call to confront people without offending them, you can resolve conflicts, strengthen relationships, and grow personally in the process.

 

Here's how you can confront people without offending them:

 

Aim for a goal. Before confronting someone, clarify what you hope to achieve through the confrontation. Retaliation should never be your goal. If you have a vengeful attitude, confess it and ask God to cleanse your thoughts toward the person you want to confront.

 

Aim to use a confrontation to resolve whatever issue is causing conflict between you and the other person. Consider what specific outcome you'd like to see result from the confrontation – having someone stop a negative behavior, start a positive behavior, or make some other change – and keep that goal in mind when you confront the person.

 

 

Confront whether you're the offended or the offender. God wants you to try to resolve conflict through confrontation whether someone else has offended you or whether you've offended someone. If you've been offended, don't repress your feelings; that will only lead to bitterness that will poison your soul and express itself in unhealthy ways in your life.

 

If you've offended someone, remember that it's your responsibility to take action toward reconciliation. Work to overcome excuses and defensiveness no matter what the situation. Be willing to confront to try to work out the issue, since God has given you a mandate to initiate reconciliation whether you are the offended or the offender.

 

 

Understand different conflict management styles. Dictators handle conflict by charging, commanding, demanding, directing, imposing, mandating, ordering, proclaiming, ruling, calling the shots, and laying down the law. Sometimes that style is necessary because moral values are at stake or the common good is being threatened. But often, dictators need to focus more on hearing and valuing other people's input.

 

Accommodators handle conflict through adapting, adjusting, conforming, indulging, obliging, pleasing, or accommodating to other people's needs and desires. Accommodators are good at listening, which is a key skill in working through conflicts. But they need to learn to set boundaries to let others know that their negative or insensitive behavior toward them is not acceptable.

 

Abdicators handle conflict by retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating themselves from situations, dropping out, walking away, abandoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding. But by running away, abdicators make it impossible to resolve their conflicts. They need to express their needs through "I" statements that tell others what they feel when they experience the behavior that's causing the conflict and explain what they'd like to see happen.

 

Collaborators deal with conflict in the healthiest way, through cooperating, joining forces, uniting, pulling together, participating, and co-laboring to find a way to resolve the issue. Consider what style you tend to use the most, and think and pray about how you can better work with others as a collaborator. Do you need to be more respectful of authority, value other people's input more, or communicate more clearly? Try to choose the collaborator style as often as possible when managing conflict.

 

 

Prepare for the encounter. Before you confront someone, first be honest about why you've decided to confront him or her about the issue. Do you have an ulterior motive (such as trying to make the person feel guilty) or do you want to see a genuine change in behavior? Remind yourself that your goal should be to resolve a specific issue for God's glory.

 

Choose the right time and place for the confrontation, and try to make sure that you talk with the person when you all can be alone instead of in front of others. Pray to prepare your heart and mind before the confrontation.

 

 

Own the problem. Speak on your own behalf, explaining how the problem has affected you personally or how you perceive the issue rather than shifting the attention to other people's perspectives. Take responsibility for expressing your own thoughts and feelings clearly and directly to the person you're confronting.

 

 

Speak the right words. Pray for the wisdom to choose the words that will help you most effectively communicate with the person, and for the peace you need to deliver those words in a calm tone of voice. Describe specifically what you've observed or experienced, since being too general will make it easy for the person to deny wrongdoing or misinterpret your message.

 

For every negative statement you need to make while discussing the issue at hand, try to make a positive statement affirming the person's worth and your commitment to the relationship both before and after making the negative statement. That will help the person know that you are rejecting his or her behavior, but not him or her as a person.

 

When you criticize, do so constructively, giving the person information to help him or her solve the problem and being careful to preserve the person's dignity. Listen to the person with an open mind. Admit your own mistakes. Work with the person to find mutually agreeable ways to move forward.

 

 

 

Listen well. When you listen, you create an environment where the person you're confronting feels that he or she has been heard and his or her thoughts and feelings have been validated. That will motivate the person to try to resolve the conflict with you. Try to fully understand the person's intentions and objectives rather than jumping to conclusions. Verify facts before making accusations. Explain your own actions when the person has questions about them. Ask questions to clarify what the person is telling you; then paraphrase what you think the person has said to make sure you understand correctly.

 

 

Negotiate future behavior. Try to work out a mutual agreement on how to move forward after the confrontation. But keep in mind that the only behavior you have the power to change is your own.

Determine how much you're willing to compromise without violating your core values or self-respect to achieve harmony.

 

 

Forgive the offender. Let your gratitude for how much God has forgiven you motivate you to obey His call to forgive those who have offended you. Decide to forgive – despite your feelings – and rely on God's help to do so, trusting that your feelings will gradually change in the process.

 

While your decision to forgive should be immediate, restoring trust in your relationship with the offender is a process that may take a long time. For true restoration to take place, the offender must first repent and show consistent behavior that gives evidence of his or her change of heart. However, whether or not the person who has offended you ever apologizes or repents, you must forgive him or her to obey God's call and free your soul from the poison of bitterness. If you're having difficulty choosing to forgive someone, pray for that person, and God will help you become more willing to forgive.

 

After you choose to forgive, stop rehearsing the offense in your mind. Leave it in the past and focus on your future.

 

 

Get to know various temperaments. Understand your own temperament and that of others influences how each of you naturally communicate. Figure out the needs, fears, preferences, and propensities toward certain behaviors that come naturally to yourself and other people. Keep that in mind to devise strategies with each person to improve the way you interact with him or her. 

Published May 22, 2009

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Adapted from Confronting without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving Conflict, copyright 2009 by Deborah Smith Pegues. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Or., www.harvesthousepublishers.com.      

Deborah Smith Pegues is an experienced certified public accountant, a Bible teacher, a speaker, and a certified behavioral consultant specializing in understanding personality temperaments. As well as the bestselling 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue (more than 300,000 sold), she has authored 30 Days to Taming Your Finances and 30 Days to Taming Your Stress. She and her husband, Darnell, have been married for nearly 30 years and make their home in California.

10 Ways to Save a Marriage After an Affair

marriage resource from CW

Joe Beam

Love Path International

 

Divorce breaks the hearts of those involved — couples, children, parents, friends, church, and the heart of God. One of the greatest underlying events destroying marriages today is adultery. The following is a frank and spiritual message on things to do when the sin of adultery has occurred.

 

My fervent passion is in saving marriages and making them healthy and holy again. I encourage you to at least make a commitment not to remain at a disinterested distance when couples you love have their lives coming apart.

 

So let's get started.

 

To better understand extramarital affairs, I sorted them into three categories.

 

1. The Short-Lived Affair lasts from one night to several months and is primarily about sex. Subcategories included Revenge Affairs, Affairs of Opportunity (at the right place at the right time to do the wrong thing), Self-Esteem Booster Affairs, and more.

 

2. The Allowed Affair has become more prevalent with the graying of morality in our culture. It was once called "Swinging" and now its participants just call it "The Lifestyle."

 

3. The most difficult kind of affair to overcome is the Relationship Affair. It typically starts as friendship that evolves into shared emotions and eventually shared bodies. Those in Relationship Affairs usually are in love with each other. Madly in love.

 

This is why so many Relationship Affairs lead to divorce — no matter how strongly you tell the person that s/he is sinning and no matter how hard the abandoned spouse tries to save the marriage. Because of such passages as Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9, churches usually grant the offended spouse the right to start over with a new mate, and few blame him or her for moving on with life.

 

May I offer another possibility?

 

Wouldn't it be better for everyone — the cheated, cheater, children, church, and community — if there were a way to rescue the straying spouse, heal the hurts, and guide husband and wife back to a marriage of love and commitment? We in the marriage business know that if a marriage survives an affair, it will be stronger and more loving than it was before the affair.

 

Salvaging a marriage when a spouse is in love with someone else usually isn't accomplished by pointing the adulterer to scripture, logic, or consequences. If I had space, I'd explain why. The short version is that they are driven by strong and compelling emotions that they're convinced you don't understand. Therefore, they disregard you, along with your Bible, lectures, and piety. Very often they'll even tell you that God sent the lover to them.

 

So what do you do to save these marriages?

 

Based on my experience, I suggest the following to both the abandoned spouse and to all Christians attempting to help:

 

 

1. Believe that an affair, even an exceptionally strong Relationship/Love Affair, is not necessarily the end of a marriage. It may be, but it doesn't have to be. Don't give up. Keep praying and doing the right things, no matter how hopeless it may seem.

 

2. Don't beg, cajole, or attempt to manipulate the adulterer. S/he is already emotionally on edge; emotional actions from you exacerbate the situation. Be firm, but always loving and calm.

 

3. Don't try to convince him or her that the lover is a bad person or primarily responsible for the affair. That might work in a Short-Lived Affair. However, it typically causes a person in a Relationship Affair to develop an "us against the world" union with the lover.

 

4. Drag out any divorce proceedings as long as possible. The intense emotions involved with being "madly in love" last anywhere from six to thirty-six months. Though the straying spouse may become angry and try to manipulate the abandoned spouse into divorce ("I'll make things tougher for you if you don't go along with me ..."), the abandoned spouse should be strong, endure the other's wrath, and drag it out as long as possible. There is a very real possibility that the abandoning spouse will eventually lose the intensity of desire to be with the lover. Don't give up!

 

5. The abandoned spouse should demonstrate his or her ability to survive and prosper without the abandoning spouse. S/he must concentrate on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. This accomplishes two things. 1) The abandoned spouse needs this for him- herself. 2) The abandoning spouse often is drawn back to the abandoned spouse when s/he continues to be strong and self-sufficient.

 

6. In fervent prayer, ask God to bring chaos, financial distress, and anything else He will do to cause pain as a result of the sinner's actions and to create circumstances so that it is difficult for him or her to continue in the affair.

 

7. The abandoned spouse should procure an attorney that will protect his or her rights, finances, and the like. The attorney should make the divorce as painful as possible — financially and otherwise — to the abandoning spouse while still protecting the interests of the abandoned spouse. Expect the abandoning spouse to react with anger. However, making sin have strong negative consequences is the right thing to do.

 

8. The church should practice discipline, though in our day and age that hasn't nearly the effect it had in biblical times. It's so easy now to walk down the street and go to another church. However, if done in love and compassion, it still may have the needed effect.

 

9. Practice intervention. (If you need more information on how to do this, email info@joebeam.com, and we'll send you a pdf with step by step details.)

 

10. Convince the straying spouse to take one last action before ending the marriage. Sometimes the abandoned spouse does this by offering a concession such as, "I'll give on this point in the divorce if you do this." Sometimes a friend, church leader, or even the person's child may convince him or her that, for conscience sake, s/he should do one more thing to see if there is any hope for the marriage.

 

In my weekend turnaround workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911, we have many couples who come because someone convinced the abandoning spouse to attend for conscience sake or to get some concession. Over nearly a decade, we've witnessed one seemingly hopeless marriage after another turn around during that weekend. They don't have to want to be there; they just have to be there.

 

Whether you use our services, your own counselors, or someone else, the message is the same. We must not give up on marriages because we think that either spouse is beyond rescuing. Don't give up on the power of God and what He can do if only we do our parts.

 

Published May 7, 2009.

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Joe Beam founded Love Path International (http://www.lovepathinternational.com), an organization whose mission is to save marriage relationships even in cases of affairs, anger, dishonesty, loss of passion and other marriage problems. Joe and Love Path International provide marriage help (http://www.marriagehelper.com) to couples who are in danger of separation or divorce.

How to Get Your Life in Rhythm

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Bruce Miller's new book, Your Life in Rhythm, (Tyndale House Publishers, 2009).

The pressure of trying to keep every part of your life – work, relationships, church, recreation, and more – in balance each day only leads to frustration and burnout, no matter how hard you try. Meanwhile, all around you, the natural world moves in rhythms – from the seasons changing and the sun rising and setting to your heart beating and your lungs breathing.

 

If you stop the futile effort of trying to live in balance and instead live in harmony with life's natural rhythms, you'll accomplish what matters most with less stress and guilt.

 

Here's how you can get your life in rhythm:

 

Get off the balance beam. It's unrealistic to give proportionate effort to every dimension of your life every day, because life doesn't stay the same every day. Life is dynamic – constantly changing – and to live well, you need to adapt to those changes. Trying to live a balanced life puts an impossible burden on you, and you'll struggle to keep up with all the daily demands. No matter how hard you try, you'll end up feeling frustrated that you're not spending as much time with your spouse and kids as you should, not keeping up with your friendships enough, not meeting all your work deadlines, not serving enough in church, not maintaining your house and yard well, etc. So free yourself from our culture's pressure to live a balanced life.

 

Appreciate life's natural rhythms. God has planned the right times for everything. Sometimes it's time to work hard; sometimes it's time to rest and recover. Sometimes it's time to grieve; sometimes it's time to celebrate. Certain days, weeks, and months are different from others, just as you go through different stages of life, from infancy to old age. Rather than trying to achieve the same balance regardless of what time it is for you, focus on one season at time.

 

Create a life mission statement. Think and pray about why you're alive and what you should do with your life. Then write down a mission statement that will guide you to live intentionally. It will help you make the most of your time by giving you boundaries within which your life's rhythms can flow.

 

 

 

 

 

Become a wise steward. Take stock of who and what God has made you responsible for – from being a good parent to your kids, to being a good employee on the job. Keep your stewardship responsibilities in mind when making decisions about how to use your time well during every season of your life.

 

Pay attention to both cycles and seasons. The world is structured into five ongoing cycles (year, quarter, month, week, and day). In addition, you go through a variety of different seasons in your life that make it either the right or wrong time for certain activities – from the birth of a child and the death of a parent, to starting a new job and getting laid off. Rather than exhausting yourself trying to do everything in balance at the same time, aim to do various activities in rhythm at different times.

 

Live in sync with your current life stage. All of your time is ultimately in God's hands, so ask Him for the wisdom you need to understand what's appropriate and what's not for the life stage you're in now. How old are you? What's your marital status? Do you have kids, and if so, what stage of life are they in? Have recent changes just affected your life in profound ways – from the diagnosis of a serious illness, to a move or the start of a new job? Once you understand what distinct time of life you're in right now, you can figure out how to live well within that stage.

 

Release unrealistic expectations. You can increase your peace by letting go of expectations that don't fit your current rhythms. Rather than trying to live in a different season than the one you're in – like single people who wish they were married or young people who wish they were older – trust that God has placed you in this particular life stage right now for a good reason and decide to live fully while you're in it. You're right where God wants you to be for now, so make the most of it.

 

Seize opportunities. Enjoy the blessings of your current season by seizing the opportunities God brings your way to learn and grow to the fullest. Live in the present, without pining over a past season gone by or demanding that the next season start before its right time in the future. Don't resent the challenges of the season you're going through now. Instead, pray for God to give you His perspective on it so you can notice the abundance of opportunities it presents. For example, if you have to rehabilitate from an injury right now, don't focus on your physical limitations, but appreciate the extra time you have for personal reflection and activities you may not have had time for before, such as catching up with old friends or taking a class that interests you.

 

Anticipate what's next. Whenever you feel stuck in your current life stage, remember that it won't last forever. There will be an end to changing diapers when your kids grow older. You'll soon graduate from college and be done with the pressure of constantly taking exams and writing papers. Increase your hope by anticipating the next season in your life. While it's true that you can't predict with certainty what will happen in the future, you can anticipate what life stage you'll likely enter next, and look forward to it. Use the power of anticipation as motivation to complete your current responsibilities well. Do your best for as long as you're in your current stage, so you can move into the next one with no regrets when the right time comes.

 

 

Pace yourself. Instead of trying to manage time, allow your life to flow in harmony with time's cycles. Pay attention to your biological clock, which tells you when your body needs food and sleep. Don't force yourself into an arbitrary schedule to try to balance your life; design your schedule around what's most natural for you. Release yourself from the pressure of all of your responsibilities coming to bear at one time. Figure out the most appropriate times for certain activities – such as paying bills at a convenient time once a month, instead of whenever they happen to show up in your mailbox – and arrange to do those activities at set times without worrying about them at other times. Consider how often you should do various activities – from going on a date with your spouse to doing laundry – and plan to do them at appropriate intervals rather than trying to do too much all at once.

 

Build life-enhancing rituals. Create healthy routines that are connected to some deeper meaning or significance and practice them regularly. Rituals can help you achieve your mission in every part of your life and renew you in the process. Come up with monthly rituals like visiting your grandparents every month, weekly rituals such as going to church each week, and daily rituals like exercising at a gym every day and eating dinner with your family each night. But stay flexible, always bearing in mind that your days will be different, so you may enjoy your rituals most days but not all days.

 

Oscillate between work and rest. Just as Jesus oscillated between times of intensity and renewal, so should you. Sometimes it's best to work hard; sometimes it's best to rest well. Be sure to give your full attention to whatever season you're in. When it's time to work, don't get distracted by other things. When it's time to rest, don't let work projects interfere. When deciding when it's best to either work or rest, be sure to keep in mind factors in your personality, such as whether you're an introvert or an extrovert and whether you have the most energy in the morning or the evening. Think through the best flow of an ideal day for you. When would you like to wake up and go to sleep? When would you tackle your most difficult jobs? When would you renew yourself? Then consider the best days of the week to do various tasks, as well as the best times of each month and year for other activities, like scheduling a conference to work or vacation to rest.

 

Keep eternity in view. Ask God to help you see your life from an eternal perspective so you can make the best decisions – ones that will use your time on earth to make a positive impact that will last forever. Make God your top priority, and place people as a higher priority than things, because people have eternal value, while things don't last. Invest deeply in your relationships, doing all you can to serve other people and bring honor to God. Constantly sort through your busyness to decide what really matters eternally, and focus on that as you live your life in rhythm.

 

Adapted from Your Life in Rhythm, copyright 2009 by Bruce B. Miller. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, Ill., www.tyndale.com. 
Bruce Miller is the founder and Senior Pastor at McKinney Fellowship. He has studied at University of Texas at Austin, University of Texas at Dallas, and Dallas Theological Seminary, where he taught theology for four years. Bruce also speaks at, consults for, and founded the Center for Church Based Training, where he served as Chairman of the Board for 12 years. He is the co-author of The Leadership Baton. Bruce and his wife, Tamara, have been blessed with five children – four boys and a girl. They reside in McKinney, Texas. 

Original publication date: May 18, 2009

Balancing Children, Schedules, and Housework

 

Christine Field

Author, Attorney, and Home-School Mother

This is Part 2 of a four-part series. In Part 1 of Chaos Control: Drowning in the Domestic Dumps, Christine began a discussion on the importance of scheduling.

 

What about interruptions to our well-planned schedule? We need to accept that life with children is full of interruptions and distractions. With daily life, Kathryn from New Hampshire notes, "Being flexible is very important. Phone calls, visitors and interruptions are part of life and can enhance the day. Instead of thinking of them as nuisances, take the time and enjoy others. In turn it teaches the children independent learning and self control to stay focused on their tasks and accept flexibility in an organized day."

 

But what do you do when your plan "A" becomes God's plan "XYZ"? Interruptions and distractions are inevitable, especially with small children. When was the last time you did ANYTHING without interruption, even going to the bathroom? I believe my children have a sensor which goes off as soon as I sit down. I hear a BANG on the door, and suddenly several little people appear at the door.

 

A lady named Iris Krasnow wrote a book called Surrendering to Motherhood. She left a glamorous writing career to raise her family, and she said, "When you stop to be where you are, then your life can really begin."

 

How often do we focus on where we are instead of somewhere else? I struggle with this mightily and have been working on just being where I am instead of having my brain vaporize off into a bunch of different directions.

 

Mrs. Krasnow said, "Being there isn't about money or even about staying home full time. It's about an emotional and spiritual shift, a succumbing to being where you are when you are, and being there as much as possible. It's about crouching on the floor and getting delirious over the praying mantis you son has just caught, instead of perusing a fax while he is yelling for your attention and you distractedly say over your shoulder: 'Oh, honey, isn't that a pretty bug.' It's about being attuned enough to notice when your kid's eyes shine so you can make your eyes shine back."  She goes on to observe, "This Now with the children isn't a cage at all. It's the marrow; finally, I have drilled and drilled right to the Essence." 

 

She's talking, of course, about the essence of life - of being connected to all of life. Could that be what it means in the Bible when it says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if working for the Lord, not for men (Col. 3:23)?"

 

A Wise Woman's Physical House

 

Some mornings I wake up, look around my messy house and begin to feel a sense of dread. It's another day of endless chores, cooking and cleaning. My life feels like drudgery - sheer drudgery. Where is the joy in this?

 

As I set about my work, I am grumbling. On a really bad day, I lash out at the children. "Why can't you take care of your stuff?" I shout. Then I look at my own disheveled room and wonder where they learned their habits.

 

Brother Lawrence was a man who did everything in love. His book, The Practice of the Presence of God (Springdale, PA, Whitaker House, 1982) revolutionized my spiritual life. He was a humble monk who cooked and cleaned for the other monks in his monastery. Whether he peeled potatoes or scrubbed pots, he did it with a heart full of the love of God. "During your meals or during your daily duty," he said, "lift up your heart to Him, because even the least little remembrance will please Him. You don't have to pray out loud; He's nearer than you can imagine." (5)

 

God is near to us when we are changing diapers, scrubbing floors or washing laundry. When we do these things with love, they are done prayerfully and from our hearts. How will our children learn to do those tasks in love if they see us grumbling and grousing? They won't. We are their example of joy in whatever the circumstances of our lives.

 

Do we view the daily-ness of life as an interruption? The diapers that need to be changed and the questions that beg answers as distractions? Then we are missing the main thing of mothering - the gift to be there to share it all.

 

 

I love God and the things he does. He blesses us so much. He gives us a spouse, a house; he blesses us with children and convicts us to home school them.

 

In the scope of things, the relationships we build with our God with our families here on earth are the things which matter most. If we can keep that perspective while managing the little details of life, we will do the less important things swiftly and efficiently, so we will have time for the things which matter most.

 

We need to embrace all aspects of mothering and home schooling. When you are delighted with your kids, do you ever grab them and kiss them and embrace them? We've got to embrace motherhood and all of our roles the same way - to be whole-hearted mothers. It becomes easier to embrace motherhood, the good the bad and the ugly, when we know that God exalts motherhood and womanhood.

 

Proverbs 31 tells us that a virtuous woman's price is far above rubies. I used to be a lawyer, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that about lawyers. I try to remember that when I've spent the day wiping jelly and runny noses. Lawyers are probably placed somewhere down with vipers. God values me so much and he values the work I do as a mother. Keeping that perspective helps tremendously on the really hard days of mothering and home schooling.

 

How does the wise woman get her house in order?

It starts with analysis. Think about these areas:

 

•  What isn't working well?
•  What drives you crazy and causes fights?
•  Who is doing what?
•  What needs to be changed?

 

These areas cause the most difficulty for home schoolers:

• Clutter
• Chores
• Food
• Laundry

 

In addition to these crucial areas, a home-schooling mom must also carve out planning time to keep all the other areas of life running smoothly. Finally, if she is not fainting from exhaustion, she should think about having some good, old-fashioned family fun.

 

For each of these areas which annoy you, there are several options:

 

• Continue to do the task yourself, the way you have always done it.
• Learn to do it better, more efficiently, with less stress.
• Have someone else in the family do it.
• Have someone outside the family do it.

 

Next week we will look specifically at controlling clutter, managing chores, and training children to do chores.

 

Christine M. Field practiced law for eight years before becoming a full-time Mommy. She and her husband live and home school their four children in Wheaton, Illinois where her husband serves as Chief of Police. Three of their four children are adopted, one through a private adoption and two are from Korea. She is the author of several books, including Coming Home to Raise Your Children (Fleming Revell, 1995), Should You Adopt? (Fleming Revell, 1997) A Field Guide to Home Schooling (Fleming Revell, 1998), and Life Skills for Kids (Harold Shaw/WaterBrook, 2000). Her fifth book, Help for the Harried Home Schooler (Shaw/WaterBrook 2002) will be available in January 2002. In addition to her contribution to Crosswalk.com, she writes columns for several magazines, including Home School Digest and Open Arms Magazine. Her work appears regularly in Hearts at Home Magazine and others. Her articles on life skills have appeared in Focus on the Family Magazine and Single Parent Family.

Christine loves to encourage others. She has spoken to many groups, including small fellowships and large conventions. To contact her about speaking to your group, or to share your tips and ideas about home schooling, you may email her at FieldFamily@HomeFieldAdvantage.org or visit her website at www.HomeFieldAdvantage.org. You may write to her at The Home Field Advantage, P.O. Box 261, Wheaton, IL 60189-0261.