Ministry Wives Resource Center

John Piper takes leave of absence

2010-03-30T23:38:00.000+08:00

Well-known evangelical preacher John Piper announced Sunday that he will be taking his first-ever break from ministry to reexamine his soul.

Pastor John Piper announces on March 28, 2010, that he will take an eight-month leave of absence. Elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis approved his request.

RelatThe long-time preacher apologized to his congregation for not a specific deed but for the "sins of my own soul," "ongoing character flaws" and stresses that they have caused to others.

"I see several species of pride," Piper told Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis. "They may not rise to the level of disqualifying me for ministry. Nevertheless, while I don't think they do, I grieve over them."

Piper, who is considered one of the most influential preachers among Protestant pastors, made the announcement after preaching about Jesus Christ and the cross he beared. It was the first of four final sermons before his eight-month leave from the church and ministry.

In the 30 years he has been preaching, Piper said he has never let go of his passion for public productivity – ever. That is, until now.

"In this moment (the leave of absence), I'm letting go of all of it," he said.

That means no preaching, no book writing, no blogging, no tweeting, no articles, no papers and no speaking engagements – with a few exceptions that his wife, Noel, agreed to.

"One of the goals of fasting," he noted, "is to determine levels of addiction or, as Paul Tripp of Tim Keller would say, levels of idolatry."

"The reality check is what will happen to John Piper's soul ... and to my marriage ... and to my future ... when there will be no prideful sipping from the poisonous cup of international fame and notoriety," the 64-year-old preacher said. "I need to find that out and I don't know any other way to do it."

"I just want to preach so bad I can hardly stand it," he admitted. "I love what I do."

The break from ministry will also serve as a period for him to work on his marriage to his wife of 41 years.

The couple is "rock solid" in commitment to each other, he stressed, and there is "no whiff of unfaithfulness on either side." However, Piper said the term "rock solid" is not always an emotionally satisfying metaphor.

"The precious garden of my home needs tending," he told his congregation.

"I want to say ... to you, Noel, that I want you to feel precious, precious over the ministry."

Piper's leave has been approved by the elders at Bethlehem Church, which currently has three campuses. The elders have also appointed a group to stay in touch and keep Piper accountable for the leave.

Though future plans are not certain, Piper said he hopes to return after the leave of absence to preach for at least five more years.

"My prayer and my high expectation is that these months will be a launching for a humble, happy, fruitful five years – I believe the best five years of 35 years and the best five married years of 46," he said.

Piper will be preaching three more times, including on Easter Sunday, before his leave.

souce:
http://www.christianpost.com/article/20100329/john-piper-to-take-leave-to-reexamine-soul/index.html

How to slow your life down

2010-02-01T00:35:00.002+08:00

by Rick Warren

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There have been times when I thought I was too busy to take time off. It

never worked.

Rick Warren

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You don’t have to be a prophet to know that technology has made three things happen in the world. It has made the world smaller, more complex, and faster. You live a much faster lifestyle than your parents did. Your children will live an even faster lifestyle than you do.

McDonalds® now offers a fast-track option so you can be billed automatically and shave 15 seconds off getting your burger. I read the other day that people aren’t buying frozen juice as much these days. We simply don’t want to wait for it to thaw!

As you and I know, pastors aren’t immune to these time pressures. With meetings, ever-shrinking sermon preparation, and a crowded pastoral care schedule, our office calendar can stay full if we’re not careful. Then we get home and rush our kids to after-school events, grab a quick dinner, run to the hospital, go home, jump in bed, and hope there are no late-night phone calls.

We can identify with what a USA Today article said about life for many people. “Today people are souped up, stressed out, and over scheduled. In this brave new world boundaries between work and family are disappearing. Everybody is mobile and every moment is scheduled.”

The Bible tells us that hurry and worry and scurry have dramatic negative effects on our life and ministries. If you’re serious about slowing your life down to a more humane pace of life, you’re going to have to make five counter-cultural changes in your lifestyle.

Learn contentment. It starts in the heart. Paul says this about contentment in Philippians 4:12 (NIV): “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.” Whether we’re pastors or not, it’s not in our nature to be content. We want life to be different – better. But we can’t slow down our lives unless we start being content with what we have.

Contentment doesn’t mean you don’t want your church to grow. Contentment doesn’t mean you don’t go after your God-given vision for your church. It just means a bigger church won’t make you any happier. Your relationship with Christ is where you find your true joy. Until you come to that conclusion, you won’t slow down.

Obey the fourth commandment. Most of us would bristle if we were told that we were consistently breaking the Ten Commandments. But, pastor, many of us are. Remember, the fourth commandment? We’re to take one day off every week. Are you doing that? For most of us, that’s not Sunday. We’re preaching, meeting with people, and overseeing the worship services – we’re not resting. It doesn’t matter which day it is, but we need a day off.

There have been times when I thought I was too busy to take time off. It never worked. I became more irritated with my family. I became more tired. And I didn’t get as much done. It was so prideful of me to think that what I was doing at that moment was more important than listening to what God said about how he made me.

I live a very fast life. But every Monday I stop and slow down. I’m not available on Monday. I know a pastor who had a member get mad at him because he tried to call him several times on Monday and couldn’t get a hold of him. The pastor said, “Sorry, but that’s my day off.” The member said, “The devil doesn’t take a day off.” And the pastor said, “You’re right. And if I didn’t, I’d be just like the devil.”

Pause and pray before deciding. Stop and pray about the decisions you make on a regular basis. That doesn’t mean you wait a year before deciding something. I’m talking about 10 to 15 seconds. As you sit in an elders meeting or a counseling session, ask “God, what do you want me to do in this instance?”

How does this help you slow down? You’re pausing to get perspective. Perspective is what helps you make wise decisions. Most of us just want to make decisions faster, but it’s perspective that really makes better decisions.

Learn to say no. You can’t keep adding things to your schedule without eliminating some. Every time you add a new activity to your schedule, you need to take something off. Whenever I used to see one of my mentors, Peter Drucker, he would say, “Don’t tell me what new thing you’re doing. Tell me what you’ve stopped doing.” The mark of leadership is knowing what not to do.

Most of us have a hard time saying no to opportunities. So ask yourself two questions every time you’re given a new opportunity.

Is it worth it? With every opportunity you’re given, you need to ask yourself whether it’s worth your energy, effort, reputation, and ultimately, your time. Your time is your life. And you need to decide whether the new opportunity is worth a portion of your life.

What am I going to give up? You can’t just keep adding, adding, and adding. You have to give something up to take hold of an opportunity. What will it be?

Trust God’s timing. Impatience is often why we hurry. It’s simply a lack of trust. When you’re impatient you’re saying, “God, I don’t really trust you. I don’t think you have my best interest at heart. You don’t know when I need it, and I’m in a hurry.” Is fast always better? No. It is not. Not always.

God has a plan for your life. You know that. But he also has a timetable for your life – and a timetable for your church for that matter. Unfortunately, God never explains his timetable. And that can be frustrating! At Saddleback we waited for years to get our own land and our own building. I couldn’t understand God’s timing. But God knew exactly what he was doing. Our church campus is visible from one of the busiest freeways in our community. It was a freeway that didn’t exist when we first started looking for land. That’s God’s timing.

It’s painful when you’re in a hurry and God’s not. But it’s part of maturing, part of growing up. Children have to learn the difference between “no” and “not yet.” God knows the right time and the right way. He has a plan and a timetable.

Ministry is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. God doesn’t want you to burn out. Whether you’re 30 or 70, he doesn’t want to wear you out before he can complete his purposes through you. Learning to slow down might be the most important ministry skill you learn this year.

Six essential commitments for leadership

2010-02-01T00:34:00.002+08:00

by Rick Warren

Leaders are always defined by self-imposed standards. I’m not talking about standards set by other people, but standards they set for themselves. Great leaders always expect more from themselves than they do from their followers. They put forth more effort as well. That’s leadership.

If you were to look through the New Testament for the phrase “make every effort,” you’d find it six times. They represent six important vows we need to make as leaders. I believe these six vows will lead to an effective and productive ministry.

Vow to maintain integrity.

“Make every effort to be found spotless, blameless, and at peace with him” (2 Peter 3:14).

God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. No one is perfect. To be spotless and blameless means to live with integrity. How do you maintain integrity if you’re not perfect? You need to be transparent. A person of integrity is not claiming to have it all together in every area. On the contrary, the person of integrity is willing to be open about their strengths and weaknesses.

Having integrity also means living what you say you believe. You model what you teach. And you tell the truth, even when it’s tough. All leadership is built on trust. And trust comes from having the reputation for living out what you believe and for telling the truth. As a pastor and leader, people must trust you.

Will you make a commitment to lead with integrity? Will you be honest about both your strengths and weaknesses? Will you commit to living your sermons out every week? Will you tell the truth to those you lead even when it’s tough?

Vow to forgive those who hurt you.

“Make every effort to live in peace with all men. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up” (Hebrews 12:14-15).

Leaders forgive those who hurt them. You will be hurt in ministry. It’s going to happen. It’s a given. You will be hurt both intentionally and unintentionally. You will be hurt by those who recognize what they’re doing and those who don’t. You cannot be in ministry without being hurt. If you call the shots, you’re going to take the shots.

But you’ve got to be willing to forgive those who try to take you down. If you allow bitterness to build, it will choke your heart for God and your love for people until your heart just shrivels.

Will you forgive when every bone in your body wants to retaliate?

Vow to relax and trust God.

“Anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us therefore make every effort to enter into God’s rest” (Hebrews 4:11).

If you’re going to be in ministry, you’ve got to learn to relax. You need to be concerned about the people around you, but at the same time, you’re not God. You can’t bear everybody’s burden all the time.

How do you release those burdens? First, you’ve got to pray. Ultimately, God is the one responsible for your flock. He’s the one responsible for the growth of your ministry. Share your burdens with him in prayer.

Then you need to spend some time in God’s Word meditating on his promises. Remember what God has done in the past – in God’s Word and in your own life. God has a good track record of taking care of us. Remember that when you’re tempted to let the stress of your ministry position overwhelm you.

Will you commit to surrendering your stress to God?

Vow to be an encourager.

“Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).

As a Christian leader, you should build people up rather than tear them down. God has called you to be an encourager, not a discourager. Take the time to look beyond the problems and look at the potential of those you lead. People get discouraged in life; you need to be a source of encouragement.

As pastors, you are dispensers of hope. That’s what it means to be a Christian leader. You bring the hope of Jesus into a hopeless situation. You help people who seem to be helpless. You let them know they can do it.

Will you be a voice of encouragement in your community, in your church, in your home?

Vow to be a peacemaker.

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).

Leaders are called to make every effort to reduce conflict. Our society is filled with conflict. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” How do you make peace in such a fragmented society?

You’ve got to deal with different points of view. Not everybody is like you in your church. And that’s good. Everyone has something to contribute. The perspective of those who see the world differently can add something indispensible to your ministry.

At Saddleback we value unity not uniformity. You can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue. God can overlook lack of programs in your church. He can overlook a lack of ability. But God will not bless a divided church. That means one of your most important jobs is to promote unity. Ten times in the first five chapters of Acts, the Bible says the church was unified. When you have the unity of Acts, you will have the power of Acts.

Will you have the courage to unify your church when it is being pulled in many different directions?

Vow to never stop growing.

“Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive…” (2 Peter 1: 5-8).

Learning is the lifestyle of leadership. The moment you think you know it all, you’re dead in the water. You must never stop growing. Growing ministries require growing leadership. You’ve got to train yourself continually.

Keep reading. Get a mentor. Solicit feedback. Ask questions. Always look for ways to keep growing in your character and your skills. The very nature of leadership is tied to growth. You’ve got to grow if you are going to lead others to grow.

Take a regular look at yourself. Where do you need to grow? What do you need to learn? What’s the best way to get the training you need? Make a learning plan every year. Your future leadership depends upon it.

Will you commit to keep growing as a leader and as a person?

Pastor, leading your church is a great responsibility and a grand privilege. Will you make these six commitments?

When Someone Else Gets what We Want

2009-08-26T23:30:00.002+08:00

source:Crosswalk Women

When Someone Else Gets what We Want

Nicole Whitacre and Carolyn Mahaney

Nicole: What do we do with a good, yet unfulfilled longing that won't go away? First, we thank God that by His mercy we desire one of His good gifts.

However, we must also regulate our desires. We must not love or long for one of God's good gifts more than we love or long for God Himself. If we do, then we have essentially made an idol out of this good desire and we are worshipping it instead of God. As teacher David Powlison paraphrases the eminent John Calvin: "The evil in our desires often lies not in what we want but that we want it too much."

One sure indicator as to whether or not a good desire has morphed into an idol is how we respond when someone else gets the very thing that we want but don't have. When a close friend--who was perfectly happy to be single--up and gets married, and we are, literally, left behind. Or when, as is the case for a friend of mine, we know five other girls who are pregnant and we are not.

And what about the woman who gets married younger than us, whose job is more glamorous than ours, whose house is bigger than ours, whose marriage is better than ours, whose life is easier than ours, whose children are more well-behaved than ours, whose popularity is brighter than ours, whose intelligence is greater than ours? Need I go on?

Envy is a sin common to women. But do we always see it for the rancid evil that it is? Several months ago, I found myself envying another woman's happiness. My husband encouraged me to study the topic of envy, and gave me some material to read. In the course of my study, the following string of thoughts by Cornelius Plantinga hit me straight between the eyes. Buckle your seat belt, for these are hard, yet necessary words.

"What an envier wants is not, first of all, what another has; what an envier wants is for another not to have it...The envier has empty hands and therefore wants to empty the hands of the envied. Envy, moreover, carries overtones of personal resentment; an envier resents not only somebody else's blessing but also the one who has been blessed" (emphasis mine).

Upon reading those words, I didn't want to admit that was me, that what I actually wanted was to empty someone else's hands. But that was the truth of it. A good desire gone bad is often characterized by these wicked motives.

No wonder Scripture commands us to "Put away all...envy!" (1 Pet. 2:1) What wretched women we are! And yet, as Paul exclaims, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Rom 7:25) We who have repented of our sins and put our trust in Christ are no longer bound by the sin of envy. We can receive forgiveness and cleansing and grace to change--grace to truly rejoice with those who have been blessed!

How do we get there? Mom will share a biblical strategy for overcoming envy.

A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy

Carolyn: "So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up to salvation--if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good....Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul (1 Peter 2:1-3, 11; emphasis mine).

Nicole helped us take a good hard look at the sin of envy in our hearts. Today, I want to encourage us to do battle against this "passion of the flesh." As I Peter 2:11 tells us, envy is already waging war against our soul--the question is whether or not we are going to fight back!

Here is a simple (not easy mind you) yet effective strategy for going on the offensive against envy:

1. Pray daily for the person we are tempted to envy. Persistent envy can be overcome with persistent prayer. We will find it is very difficult to go on envying someone for whom we are regularly asking God to bless and prosper.

2. Study and meditate on God's Word. We should direct our spiritual study to better understand and mortify the sin of envy. Let's consider verses such as Psalm 73, Proverbs 14:30, Proverbs 23:7, I Corinthians 13, Galatians 5, and 1 Peter 2 and many more.

Also, I want to highly recommend one of Jonathan Edwards's sermons on envy which you can read online here.

3. Eagerly rejoice with and reach out to the one we are tempted to envy. The temptation to withdraw and avoid--in order to spare ourselves pain--is simply selfishness. Therefore, we need to purpose not to withdraw relationally. Isolation in heart and action will only become a hotbed for bitterness and resentment to flourish.

When we put this battle plan into action, do you know what will happen? We will, gradually, over time, weaken the sin of envy in our lives. It won't happen in one glorious moment or after a couple of tries. But gradually, the sin of envy will lose its power and influence.

So let us not give up, even if the fight is intense. Jonathan Edwards in his famous Resolutions, "Resolved never to give over, nor in the least to slacken my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be."

Regardless of whether we feel like we are winning the fight against envy. Regardless of how much of a challenge it continues to be, let us never slacken our fight. For it is God "who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor. 15:57).

This article was adapted from "Girl Talk" - a blog kept by Carolyn and her three daughters for women in all seasons of life.

Carolyn Mahaney is a wife, mother, homemaker, and the author of Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother, Girl Talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on Biblical Womanhood and Shopping for Time: How To Do It All and Not Be Overwhelmed (written with her daughters) due out in July. During her more than 30 years as a pastor's wife, Carolyn has spoken to women in many churches and conferences, including those of Sovereign Grace
Ministries, which her husband, C.J., leads. C.J. and Carolyn have three married daughters and one fourteen-year-old son, Chad.

Nicole Whitacre is the oldest daughter of C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney, as well as a wife, mother, and homemaker. She assisted her mother with Feminine Appeal, and is the co-author of Girl Talk. Nicole and her husband Steve--who is a youth pastor at Sovereign Grace Church--have one son Jack, 4 and a newborn daughter Tori.

Kristin Chesemore and her husband Brian are the busy parents of three boys. Andrew is seven, Liam is four, and Owen is three. In the little spare time she does have, Kristin supports Brian in his role as a pastor in Family Life Ministries at Covenant Life Church.

Janelle Bradshaw has been married to her husband Mike for four years and they have a beautiful daughter Caly, 1. Mike serves as a pastor in Children's Ministry at Covenant Life Church.

13 Ways to Pursue More of Jesus...Continued

2009-07-09T22:05:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

Pursue more of His hope in your grief.
Jesus has given you the hope of heaven in your grief. Let the promise of heaven sharpen your focus to help you see that any difficult situation you're going through now is temporary compared to a joyful eternity with Jesus. Look forward to the reality of seeing Jesus face to face and enjoying the company of loved ones who have gone before you, when it's your time to go to heaven.

Pursue more of His fruit in your service. If your service for God lacks the fruit of changed lives, you don't have to try harder, pray more, or claim greater territory in service. Instead, you should examine your personal relationship with Jesus to see how closely you're connected to Him. It's the quality of your connection to Jesus that will determine whether or not you'll have the power to bear good fruit for His kingdom. The fruit you bear isn't produced through your own efforts; it's produced by the Holy Spirit through you as you consistently rely on God. Jesus is the Vine and you are the branches. God may sometimes choose to prune you to bear good fruit by cutting out of your life everything you depend on – except your relationship with Jesus. When you're forced to pay attention to your relationship with Jesus because that's all you have, your connection to the Vine gets bigger, empowering you to produce more fruit. Trust God when He prunes the branches of your life; He knows what's best to help you grow. Pray for greater fruitfulness in your service, asking God t conform you more closely to the image of Jesus, use you to make others want to know Him better, give you opportunities to share His Gospel and give you the fruit of changed lives as a result, draw others to Himself through a Bible study you lead, or give you one person to share His love with today.

Pursue more of His love in your home. As you give Jesus more of your heart, He will fill it with more of His love, and that will overflow into the lives of the people with whom you interact each day. When you let God's love flow through you, it will empower you to love even those people who are difficult for you to love – those whose personalities or behavior makes them seem completely incompatible with you. Rather than just avoiding or tolerating difficult people, choosing to show God's love to them will bless you in the process because God will use them to grind off the weak edges of your character to make you stronger. Ask Jesus to help you love people sacrificially, as He does. Instead of choosing to love only people who meet your needs, whom you get along with, who make you feel good, who do things for you, who give you things you want, whom respond with love, and whom you like, choose to demonstrate love to everyone, regardless of whether or not you like them and how they respond to you. When you love someone sacrificially, your act of love then becomes an act of worshiping Jesus.

Pursue more of His courage in your convictions. Be willing to stand out and speak up for Jesus in all areas of your life, and with whoever you meet. Take a strong public stand for the uniqueness of who Jesus is; for the truth of the entire Bible; and for the necessity of living a life of integrity, purity, and humility in order to please God. Rather than living a lifestyle that simply blends in with that of non-believers, show people the difference that your relationship with Jesus makes in your attitudes and actions. Pray for the courage you need to stand by biblical convictions when others pressure you to be complacent or politically correct. Ask the Holy Spirit to use all of your conversations with others to glorify God in whatever ways He guides you to do so. No matter how much pressure you encounter to compromise your convictions, decide that you will never give up, shut up, or let up, because of your love for Jesus.

Pursue more of His nearness in your loneliness. When you feel lonely, remember that Jesus is always with you. Pray for more awareness of His presence close to you, and take comfort in it. Although other people may sometimes disappoint you or abandon you, Jesus will always be there for you. Remember that Jesus is much more than just a man, prophet, teacher, revolutionary, icon, or symbol. Jesus is God Himself – and He loves you!

Pursue more of His answers to your prayers. It's an incredible privilege to be able to go directly to God at any time and in any place with your prayers. Jesus has promised that when you ask Him for anything according to His will and believing in His power to act, He will answer. Whenever your prayers seem to go unanswered or turn out the opposite of what you asked God to do (such as when you pray for your career and get laid off or when you pray for a loved one's healing and he or she dies), trust God anyway. Remember that His ways are not your ways, and He will act according to what's best from His unlimited perspective on every situation.

Pursue more of His glory on your knees. Embrace God's purpose for your life single-mindedly and wholeheartedly. Stay focused on what God wants for your life, and do all you can to fulfill that purpose well. Let your determination to do the work God has for you to do lead you to make wise choices like: less sleep and more prayer, less TV and more study, less shopping and more tithing, less eating and more exercise, less talking and more listening, or less work and more worship. Serve God faithfully to glorify Him every day.

Adapted from Pursuing More of Jesus, copyright 2009 by Anne Graham Lotz. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tn., www.thomasnelson.com.
Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of Billy and Ruth Graham, is the President and CEO of AnGeL Ministries, a non-profit organization that undergirds her efforts to draw people into a life-changing relationship with God through His Word. She is the award-winning author of 10 books, including Just Give Me Jesus and I Saw the LORD. Anne has spoken on seven continents, in more than 20 foreign countries, proclaiming the word of God in arenas, churches, seminaries, and even prisons.

13 Ways to Pursue More of Jesus

2009-07-09T18:58:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Anne Graham Lotz's new book, Pursuing More of Jesus, (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2009).

Every day presents a fresh opportunity to pursue a closer relationship with Jesus – and the more you have of Jesus in your life, the better your life will be. So don't settle for just occasional encounters with Jesus in some parts of your life. Keep pursuing more of Jesus until your whole life is saturated with His power.

Here's how you can pursue more of Jesus:

Go for the maximum, not the minimum. Choose to go after more than just the bare minimum God has to offer you. Make your faith about more than just trying to escape hell and get your ticket punched to heaven. Invite God to completely transform you: bending your will, awakening your conscience, breaking your heart, transforming your mind, overcoming your prejudices, soaring in your spirit, and conforming you into His glorious image.

Pursue more of His voice in your ear. Out of the many voices you hear speaking to you each day – through other people, circumstances, etc. – you need to learn how to discern what's truly God speaking and what's not. Keep in a mind that any authentic message from God is biblical (straight from God's Word), personal (in the language of your own life), and powerful (resulting in lives either changed for the better or saved). If someone claims to have a message from God for you, test it by making sure that it's in accord with and confirmed by the Bible. Remember Jesus' promise that He would go ahead of you to guide you in every situation. Learn how to recognize Jesus' voice by getting to know the Bible well (reading it, studying it, understanding it, applying it, and living by it) and then trust His guidance when making decisions.

Pursue more of His tears on your face. Jesus understands and cares when you're crying tears of pain. Remember how much He suffered on the Cross, and see your own sufferings as opportunities to draw closer to Jesus. No matter what you're going through – the loss of a job, a friend's betrayal, a health crisis, a spouse's unfaithfulness, a child's rebellion – Jesus is crying along with you and will meet you in the middle of your suffering with His presence.

Pursue more of His praise on your lips. It's easy to praise Jesus when your life is going well, but Jesus is still worthy of praise even when problems and pressures darken your circumstances. Make the deliberate, conscious choice to praise Jesus every day, no matter what, to honor Jesus and learn how to walk by reliable faith instead of shifting feelings. Praise Jesus for who He is by frequently thinking of one His many wonderful attributes and thanking Him for it. Praise Jesus for what He has done by thanking Him for specific blessings in your life on a regular basis. Real praise is affirming your faith even in the midst of desperation when you choose to cling to Jesus alone.

Pursue more of His death in your life. Death produces power that leads to more blessings in life. Just as Jesus died on the Cross so you could be spiritually alive, He wants you to die to your own desires and yield to His desires for you so you can experience the best life possible. God uses pressures, problems, and pain in your life as nails to pin you to cross of your own. If you submit to Him while you go through them, you experience what it's like to die to yourself so God's power can live through you. Every kind of brokenness you experience can lead to a corresponding blessing if you're willing to die to your own: will, goals, dreams, desires, expectations, plans, rights, and reputation. If you choose to die to yourself, God will pour out blessings like a character that reflects His own, a witness that leads to other people's lives being transformed, and rewards from God himself.

Pursue more of His dirt on your hands. Just as Jesus was willing to get His hands dirty serving others willingly, humbly, obediently, and gladly, He expects you to do the same. Choose to serve other people whenever God calls you to – even when it's not convenient or when you're struggling with serious problems of your own. Shift your focus from yourself to Jesus and the people He wants you to serve. In the process, your own problems will become more manageable. Never view yourself as being above any particular type of service – changing diapers, mowing grass, making coffee, visiting prisoners, etc.. When you do any task that God calls you to do, your work – no matter how humble – will become important because you're answering God's call.

the sad plight of women: The Stoning of Soraya M.

2009-07-01T09:05:00.001+08:00

Guilty Until Proven Innocent: The Stoning of Soraya M.

Chuck Colson

BreakPoint

June 25, 2009

A woman is marched out of her small Iranian village, her arms are bound behind her back, and she is buried up to her waist in the sand. The villagers—including her own father, husband, and sons—fling stones at her, showing no sympathy or compassion as the blood runs down her face and soaks through her clothes. They stone her until they're certain she's dead, and then they leave her body on the ground for the wild dogs.

This is what audiences will see in the film The Stoning of Soraya M., made by the filmmaking team behind The Passion of the Christ. It opens in limited release on June 26. I haven't given away any plot twists or surprises—the title of the film tells you all you need to know.

The Stoning of Soraya M. is based on a true story; in fact, you may have read the bestselling book when it came out in 1994. Journalist Freidoune Sahebjam was traveling through Iran when he came upon the village where Soraya had lived and died. He learned about Soraya and her cruel fate from her aunt.

Sahebjam's book gave Soraya a voice from beyond the grave, making her a spokeswoman for all women who have suffered under radical Islam.

Soraya was 35 years old, a wife and mother of seven children, when her husband, Ghorban-Ali, decided to marry a 14-year-old girl. But it would cost him too much to support two families.

Soraya's only crime was being what was called "an inconvenient wife," for standing in the way of her husband's second marriage. For that crime, Ghorban-Ali determined, she had to die. He brought a false accusation of adultery, and with the support of their friends, neighbors, and family, Soraya was sentenced to death.

Soraya's story shocked the world when it was published. At that time, little was known in the outside world about a system that said that an accused wife had to prove her innocence, but if a husband were accused, his wife had to prove his guilt. We must remember that these grave injustices, like what happened to Soraya, are still happening today.

In a review of the movie, Carl Cannon writes, "Soraya M's brutal execution occurred more than two decades ago, but it was only last October that a girl barely into her teens was stoned to death in a stadium in the Somalian port city of Kismayo." Cannon relates that she was accused of adultery, and that her age was given as 23.

However, according to Amnesty International, she was just 13. Cannon writes, "She came into the custody of an Islamic militia when she had the temerity to report to authorities that she had been gang-raped. Her three attackers were not charged. The girl was publicly murdered before 1,000 cheering spectators. Her name was Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow."

This is barbarism. And it's the result of a belief system that ignores the humanity of every person. This is why Christians, who believe in the sanctity of every human life created in the image of God, must fight and keep fighting for the rights of women like Soraya and Aisha—and why we must open the eyes of the world to this dreadful inhumanity.

Visit BreakPoint.org and click on this commentary to find out if The Stoning of Soraya M. will be playing at a theater near you. You'll also find links to ministry resources based on the film.

Chuck Colson's daily BreakPoint commentary airs each weekday on more than one thousand outlets with an estimated listening audience of one million people. BreakPoint provides a Christian perspective on today's news and trends via radio, interactive media, and print.

How Do You Last In Ministry?

2009-07-01T09:00:00.001+08:00

How Do You Last In Ministry?

by Rick Warren

Ministry is a marathon: it's not how you start in ministry; it's how you finish. If you look at 2 Corinthians 4:1-18, Paul gives seven suggestions for finishing the race:

(v. 1) Remember God's mercy: God has given us our ministries. We don't have to prove our worth through our ministry, and we don't have to wallow in our mistakes. You don't have to earn your place as a pastor or leader in the church.

(v. 2) Be truthful and honest in all you do: Maintain your integrity because integrity produces power in your life, while guilt zaps your energy. You need to finish with your character intact. Your integrity includes how you handle the Word of God. Don't distort it or make it confusing.

(v. 5) Be motivated to work for Jesus' sake, not out of selfish desires: We need a right motivation. A lot of guys start off as servants and end up celebrities. You need to learn to live your life for an audience of one, and that one is Jesus Christ.

(v. 7) Realize that Christians are only human: We must accept our limitations, and the quickest way to burn out is to try to be Superman. Humility is being honest about your weaknesses.

(v. 15) Develop a true love for others: Churches thrive, grow and survive when love endures. You must love people or you won't last in the ministry.

(v. 16) Allow time for inward rejuvenation: I have a motto -- Divert daily, withdraw weekly and abandon annually. You need to take time for recharging. In the Air Force, they've mastered the art of mid-flight refueling. You can too – you don't have to land every time you need to refuel.

(v. 17-18) Stay focused on the important things, not distracted by momentary troubles: Keep your eyes on the goal, not the problem. Only he who sees the invisible can accomplish the impossible. To be a winner in the marathon of ministerial service, Christians need to realize great people are just ordinary people with an extraordinary amount of determination. If we run from problems, we'll never be able to become what God wants us to become.

Hope for Your Struggling Teenager

2009-06-03T18:41:00.001+08:00

Mark Gregston

When you're struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you've planned and hoped for in the child's life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights... finger-pointing arguments... tears... and stress far beyond what they've ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun... or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs... has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It's enough to make you lose all hope.

Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we've seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen... and there is hope for your family... no matter how desperate the situation may seem.

First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God's promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God's Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you're experiencing.

There's nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn't working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.

Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don't make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be -- usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort -- can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do.

This isn't to justify the behavior, but to better understand it. Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn't necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction.

Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn't give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn't know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn't want to be, but it will usually have little effect.

So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map. He'll then know what to expect if he sways off the road. It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.

And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen. Begin with a conversation of restoration. You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you've made mistakes and how you'd like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away.

Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn't. Isn't this what we all desire?

You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won't stop until your wayward one is found. God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn't mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He's going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, "Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore."

Mark Gregston is the host of Parenting Today's Teens radio and the Founder and Executive Director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for struggling teens which can be reached at 903-668-2173.

Ten 'CAN'-mandments

2009-06-03T11:45:00.001+08:00

by Rick Warren

In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:
"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13 NIV).

So often we think of commandments as a list of don'ts. Instead of focusing on what we can't do, let's start looking at what we can with this list of ten "can"-mandments!

1. Instead of thinking, "It will never fly," think, "Through God's strength, it's worth the try!"

2. Replace the thought, "It won't work," with faith that, with God's strength, it will work!

3. When someone says, "It's never been done before," respond by saying, "That means God's giving us the opportunity to be the first."

4. "What if we fail?" What if we fail to try, knowing God says we can do everything through Him who gives us strength?

5. "We don't have the money." Where God guides, he provides so that we can do everything he has called us to do.

6. "We don't have the time!" Perhaps God is telling us to re-evaluate our priorities as we rely upon his direction and strength.

7. "We don't have the expertise." Maybe not, but we can learn as God directs our path.

8. "It's been tried before." But we're wiser now because we know we can do everything when we rely on God's strength instead of our own.

9. If someone says, "There are so many problems with it," respond by saying, "Yet, there are so many possibilities when we're trusting God instead of ourselves."

10. Instead of saying, "It's not working out," say instead, "Let's try it one more time, but this time focused on God and the truth that we can do this through Him who gives us strength."

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse" (Philippians 4:8 MSG).

news: Church of Sweden Elects Lesbian Bishop

2009-06-03T11:36:00.001+08:00

RNS/ENI

June 2, 2009

UPPSALA, Sweden (RNS/ENI) -- The newly-elected Lutheran bishop of Stockholm says that being a lesbian means she wants to stand alongside people who feel powerless.

"I know what it is to be called into question," the Rev. Eva Brunne said in an article on the Web site of the Church of Sweden after her Tuesday (May 26) election. "I am in the lucky situation that I have power and I can use it for the benefit of those who have no power."

Brunne, who is currently the dean of the Stockholm diocese, is the first Church of Sweden bishop to live in a registered homosexual partnership, the Uppsala-headquartered church said, and she is believed to be the first openly lesbian bishop in the world.

Brunne, 55, lives with priest Gunilla Linden in a partnership that has received a church blessing. They have a three-year-old son.

"Once you have been baptized, no one can say you cannot be part of the Church because you are homo-, bi-, or transsexual," the Web site of the French periodical Ttu quoted Brunne as saying.
She clinched the post by 413 votes against 365 votes for Hans Ulfvebrand; she will succeed Bishop Caroline Krook, who is to retire in November.

In 2003, the consecration of a V. Eugene Robinson, an openly gay man who lives with a male partner, as the Episcopal bishop of New Hampshire triggered a deep division and threatened a schism in the worldwide Anglican Communion.

Lutheran churches throughout the world hold different views about matters of human sexuality, including the acceptance of homosexuals in church life and blessings for same-sex relationships.
The Church of Sweden, which offers a special blessing for same-sex couples, has faced criticism from some other Lutheran churches, particularly those in African countries.

Confront People without Offending Them

2009-06-03T10:00:00.001+08:00

by Whitney Hopler of Crosswalk

A husband who won't help his wife with household chores. A spendthrift woman who's constantly trying to borrow money from her friends. A boss with an anger problem who alienates his employees. A grandma who's tired of being asked to babysit so often that she doesn't have enough time to herself. These are just a few examples of the many issues that, if not dealt with, can permanently damage relationships.

All too often, people either avoid conflict or deal with it in clumsy, ineffective ways. Such approaches only make conflicts worse. But if you follow God's call to confront people without offending them, you can resolve conflicts, strengthen relationships, and grow personally in the process.

Here's how you can confront people without offending them:

Aim for a goal. Before confronting someone, clarify what you hope to achieve through the confrontation. Retaliation should never be your goal. If you have a vengeful attitude, confess it and ask God to cleanse your thoughts toward the person you want to confront.

Aim to use a confrontation to resolve whatever issue is causing conflict between you and the other person. Consider what specific outcome you'd like to see result from the confrontation – having someone stop a negative behavior, start a positive behavior, or make some other change – and keep that goal in mind when you confront the person.

Confront whether you're the offended or the offender. God wants you to try to resolve conflict through confrontation whether someone else has offended you or whether you've offended someone. If you've been offended, don't repress your feelings; that will only lead to bitterness that will poison your soul and express itself in unhealthy ways in your life.

If you've offended someone, remember that it's your responsibility to take action toward reconciliation. Work to overcome excuses and defensiveness no matter what the situation. Be willing to confront to try to work out the issue, since God has given you a mandate to initiate reconciliation whether you are the offended or the offender.

Understand different conflict management styles. Dictators handle conflict by charging, commanding, demanding, directing, imposing, mandating, ordering, proclaiming, ruling, calling the shots, and laying down the law. Sometimes that style is necessary because moral values are at stake or the common good is being threatened. But often, dictators need to focus more on hearing and valuing other people's input.

Accommodators handle conflict through adapting, adjusting, conforming, indulging, obliging, pleasing, or accommodating to other people's needs and desires. Accommodators are good at listening, which is a key skill in working through conflicts. But they need to learn to set boundaries to let others know that their negative or insensitive behavior toward them is not acceptable.

Abdicators handle conflict by retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating themselves from situations, dropping out, walking away, abandoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding. But by running away, abdicators make it impossible to resolve their conflicts. They need to express their needs through "I" statements that tell others what they feel when they experience the behavior that's causing the conflict and explain what they'd like to see happen.

Collaborators deal with conflict in the healthiest way, through cooperating, joining forces, uniting, pulling together, participating, and co-laboring to find a way to resolve the issue. Consider what style you tend to use the most, and think and pray about how you can better work with others as a collaborator. Do you need to be more respectful of authority, value other people's input more, or communicate more clearly? Try to choose the collaborator style as often as possible when managing conflict.

Prepare for the encounter. Before you confront someone, first be honest about why you've decided to confront him or her about the issue. Do you have an ulterior motive (such as trying to make the person feel guilty) or do you want to see a genuine change in behavior? Remind yourself that your goal should be to resolve a specific issue for God's glory.

Choose the right time and place for the confrontation, and try to make sure that you talk with the person when you all can be alone instead of in front of others. Pray to prepare your heart and mind before the confrontation.

Own the problem. Speak on your own behalf, explaining how the problem has affected you personally or how you perceive the issue rather than shifting the attention to other people's perspectives. Take responsibility for expressing your own thoughts and feelings clearly and directly to the person you're confronting.

Speak the right words. Pray for the wisdom to choose the words that will help you most effectively communicate with the person, and for the peace you need to deliver those words in a calm tone of voice. Describe specifically what you've observed or experienced, since being too general will make it easy for the person to deny wrongdoing or misinterpret your message.

For every negative statement you need to make while discussing the issue at hand, try to make a positive statement affirming the person's worth and your commitment to the relationship both before and after making the negative statement. That will help the person know that you are rejecting his or her behavior, but not him or her as a person.

When you criticize, do so constructively, giving the person information to help him or her solve the problem and being careful to preserve the person's dignity. Listen to the person with an open mind. Admit your own mistakes. Work with the person to find mutually agreeable ways to move forward.

Listen well. When you listen, you create an environment where the person you're confronting feels that he or she has been heard and his or her thoughts and feelings have been validated. That will motivate the person to try to resolve the conflict with you. Try to fully understand the person's intentions and objectives rather than jumping to conclusions. Verify facts before making accusations. Explain your own actions when the person has questions about them. Ask questions to clarify what the person is telling you; then paraphrase what you think the person has said to make sure you understand correctly.

Negotiate future behavior. Try to work out a mutual agreement on how to move forward after the confrontation. But keep in mind that the only behavior you have the power to change is your own.

Determine how much you're willing to compromise without violating your core values or self-respect to achieve harmony.

Forgive the offender. Let your gratitude for how much God has forgiven you motivate you to obey His call to forgive those who have offended you. Decide to forgive – despite your feelings – and rely on God's help to do so, trusting that your feelings will gradually change in the process.

While your decision to forgive should be immediate, restoring trust in your relationship with the offender is a process that may take a long time. For true restoration to take place, the offender must first repent and show consistent behavior that gives evidence of his or her change of heart. However, whether or not the person who has offended you ever apologizes or repents, you must forgive him or her to obey God's call and free your soul from the poison of bitterness. If you're having difficulty choosing to forgive someone, pray for that person, and God will help you become more willing to forgive.

After you choose to forgive, stop rehearsing the offense in your mind. Leave it in the past and focus on your future.

Get to know various temperaments. Understand your own temperament and that of others influences how each of you naturally communicate. Figure out the needs, fears, preferences, and propensities toward certain behaviors that come naturally to yourself and other people. Keep that in mind to devise strategies with each person to improve the way you interact with him or her.

Published May 22, 2009

Adapted from Confronting without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving Conflict, copyright 2009 by Deborah Smith Pegues. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Or., www.harvesthousepublishers.com.

Deborah Smith Pegues is an experienced certified public accountant, a Bible teacher, a speaker, and a certified behavioral consultant specializing in understanding personality temperaments. As well as the bestselling 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue (more than 300,000 sold), she has authored 30 Days to Taming Your Finances and 30 Days to Taming Your Stress. She and her husband, Darnell, have been married for nearly 30 years and make their home in California.

10 Ways to Save a Marriage After an Affair

2009-05-26T20:07:00.001+08:00

marriage resource from CW

Joe Beam

Love Path International

Divorce breaks the hearts of those involved — couples, children, parents, friends, church, and the heart of God. One of the greatest underlying events destroying marriages today is adultery. The following is a frank and spiritual message on things to do when the sin of adultery has occurred.

My fervent passion is in saving marriages and making them healthy and holy again. I encourage you to at least make a commitment not to remain at a disinterested distance when couples you love have their lives coming apart.

So let's get started.

To better understand extramarital affairs, I sorted them into three categories.

1. The Short-Lived Affair lasts from one night to several months and is primarily about sex. Subcategories included Revenge Affairs, Affairs of Opportunity (at the right place at the right time to do the wrong thing), Self-Esteem Booster Affairs, and more.

2. The Allowed Affair has become more prevalent with the graying of morality in our culture. It was once called "Swinging" and now its participants just call it "The Lifestyle."

3. The most difficult kind of affair to overcome is the Relationship Affair. It typically starts as friendship that evolves into shared emotions and eventually shared bodies. Those in Relationship Affairs usually are in love with each other. Madly in love.

This is why so many Relationship Affairs lead to divorce — no matter how strongly you tell the person that s/he is sinning and no matter how hard the abandoned spouse tries to save the marriage. Because of such passages as Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9, churches usually grant the offended spouse the right to start over with a new mate, and few blame him or her for moving on with life.

May I offer another possibility?

Wouldn't it be better for everyone — the cheated, cheater, children, church, and community — if there were a way to rescue the straying spouse, heal the hurts, and guide husband and wife back to a marriage of love and commitment? We in the marriage business know that if a marriage survives an affair, it will be stronger and more loving than it was before the affair.

Salvaging a marriage when a spouse is in love with someone else usually isn't accomplished by pointing the adulterer to scripture, logic, or consequences. If I had space, I'd explain why. The short version is that they are driven by strong and compelling emotions that they're convinced you don't understand. Therefore, they disregard you, along with your Bible, lectures, and piety. Very often they'll even tell you that God sent the lover to them.

So what do you do to save these marriages?

Based on my experience, I suggest the following to both the abandoned spouse and to all Christians attempting to help:

1. Believe that an affair, even an exceptionally strong Relationship/Love Affair, is not necessarily the end of a marriage. It may be, but it doesn't have to be. Don't give up. Keep praying and doing the right things, no matter how hopeless it may seem.

2. Don't beg, cajole, or attempt to manipulate the adulterer. S/he is already emotionally on edge; emotional actions from you exacerbate the situation. Be firm, but always loving and calm.

3. Don't try to convince him or her that the lover is a bad person or primarily responsible for the affair. That might work in a Short-Lived Affair. However, it typically causes a person in a Relationship Affair to develop an "us against the world" union with the lover.

4. Drag out any divorce proceedings as long as possible. The intense emotions involved with being "madly in love" last anywhere from six to thirty-six months. Though the straying spouse may become angry and try to manipulate the abandoned spouse into divorce ("I'll make things tougher for you if you don't go along with me ..."), the abandoned spouse should be strong, endure the other's wrath, and drag it out as long as possible. There is a very real possibility that the abandoning spouse will eventually lose the intensity of desire to be with the lover. Don't give up!

5. The abandoned spouse should demonstrate his or her ability to survive and prosper without the abandoning spouse. S/he must concentrate on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. This accomplishes two things. 1) The abandoned spouse needs this for him- herself. 2) The abandoning spouse often is drawn back to the abandoned spouse when s/he continues to be strong and self-sufficient.

6. In fervent prayer, ask God to bring chaos, financial distress, and anything else He will do to cause pain as a result of the sinner's actions and to create circumstances so that it is difficult for him or her to continue in the affair.

7. The abandoned spouse should procure an attorney that will protect his or her rights, finances, and the like. The attorney should make the divorce as painful as possible — financially and otherwise — to the abandoning spouse while still protecting the interests of the abandoned spouse. Expect the abandoning spouse to react with anger. However, making sin have strong negative consequences is the right thing to do.

8. The church should practice discipline, though in our day and age that hasn't nearly the effect it had in biblical times. It's so easy now to walk down the street and go to another church. However, if done in love and compassion, it still may have the needed effect.

9. Practice intervention. (If you need more information on how to do this, email info@joebeam.com, and we'll send you a pdf with step by step details.)

10. Convince the straying spouse to take one last action before ending the marriage. Sometimes the abandoned spouse does this by offering a concession such as, "I'll give on this point in the divorce if you do this." Sometimes a friend, church leader, or even the person's child may convince him or her that, for conscience sake, s/he should do one more thing to see if there is any hope for the marriage.

In my weekend turnaround workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911, we have many couples who come because someone convinced the abandoning spouse to attend for conscience sake or to get some concession. Over nearly a decade, we've witnessed one seemingly hopeless marriage after another turn around during that weekend. They don't have to want to be there; they just have to be there.

Whether you use our services, your own counselors, or someone else, the message is the same. We must not give up on marriages because we think that either spouse is beyond rescuing. Don't give up on the power of God and what He can do if only we do our parts.

Published May 7, 2009.

Joe Beam founded Love Path International (http://www.lovepathinternational.com), an organization whose mission is to save marriage relationships even in cases of affairs, anger, dishonesty, loss of passion and other marriage problems. Joe and Love Path International provide marriage help (http://www.marriagehelper.com) to couples who are in danger of separation or divorce.

How to Get Your Life in Rhythm

2009-05-26T20:05:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Bruce Miller's new book, Your Life in Rhythm, (Tyndale House Publishers, 2009).

The pressure of trying to keep every part of your life – work, relationships, church, recreation, and more – in balance each day only leads to frustration and burnout, no matter how hard you try. Meanwhile, all around you, the natural world moves in rhythms – from the seasons changing and the sun rising and setting to your heart beating and your lungs breathing.

If you stop the futile effort of trying to live in balance and instead live in harmony with life's natural rhythms, you'll accomplish what matters most with less stress and guilt.

Here's how you can get your life in rhythm:

Get off the balance beam. It's unrealistic to give proportionate effort to every dimension of your life every day, because life doesn't stay the same every day. Life is dynamic – constantly changing – and to live well, you need to adapt to those changes. Trying to live a balanced life puts an impossible burden on you, and you'll struggle to keep up with all the daily demands. No matter how hard you try, you'll end up feeling frustrated that you're not spending as much time with your spouse and kids as you should, not keeping up with your friendships enough, not meeting all your work deadlines, not serving enough in church, not maintaining your house and yard well, etc. So free yourself from our culture's pressure to live a balanced life.

Appreciate life's natural rhythms. God has planned the right times for everything. Sometimes it's time to work hard; sometimes it's time to rest and recover. Sometimes it's time to grieve; sometimes it's time to celebrate. Certain days, weeks, and months are different from others, just as you go through different stages of life, from infancy to old age. Rather than trying to achieve the same balance regardless of what time it is for you, focus on one season at time.

Create a life mission statement. Think and pray about why you're alive and what you should do with your life. Then write down a mission statement that will guide you to live intentionally. It will help you make the most of your time by giving you boundaries within which your life's rhythms can flow.

Become a wise steward. Take stock of who and what God has made you responsible for – from being a good parent to your kids, to being a good employee on the job. Keep your stewardship responsibilities in mind when making decisions about how to use your time well during every season of your life.

Pay attention to both cycles and seasons. The world is structured into five ongoing cycles (year, quarter, month, week, and day). In addition, you go through a variety of different seasons in your life that make it either the right or wrong time for certain activities – from the birth of a child and the death of a parent, to starting a new job and getting laid off. Rather than exhausting yourself trying to do everything in balance at the same time, aim to do various activities in rhythm at different times.

Live in sync with your current life stage. All of your time is ultimately in God's hands, so ask Him for the wisdom you need to understand what's appropriate and what's not for the life stage you're in now. How old are you? What's your marital status? Do you have kids, and if so, what stage of life are they in? Have recent changes just affected your life in profound ways – from the diagnosis of a serious illness, to a move or the start of a new job? Once you understand what distinct time of life you're in right now, you can figure out how to live well within that stage.

Release unrealistic expectations. You can increase your peace by letting go of expectations that don't fit your current rhythms. Rather than trying to live in a different season than the one you're in – like single people who wish they were married or young people who wish they were older – trust that God has placed you in this particular life stage right now for a good reason and decide to live fully while you're in it. You're right where God wants you to be for now, so make the most of it.

Seize opportunities. Enjoy the blessings of your current season by seizing the opportunities God brings your way to learn and grow to the fullest. Live in the present, without pining over a past season gone by or demanding that the next season start before its right time in the future. Don't resent the challenges of the season you're going through now. Instead, pray for God to give you His perspective on it so you can notice the abundance of opportunities it presents. For example, if you have to rehabilitate from an injury right now, don't focus on your physical limitations, but appreciate the extra time you have for personal reflection and activities you may not have had time for before, such as catching up with old friends or taking a class that interests you.

Anticipate what's next. Whenever you feel stuck in your current life stage, remember that it won't last forever. There will be an end to changing diapers when your kids grow older. You'll soon graduate from college and be done with the pressure of constantly taking exams and writing papers. Increase your hope by anticipating the next season in your life. While it's true that you can't predict with certainty what will happen in the future, you can anticipate what life stage you'll likely enter next, and look forward to it. Use the power of anticipation as motivation to complete your current responsibilities well. Do your best for as long as you're in your current stage, so you can move into the next one with no regrets when the right time comes.

Pace yourself. Instead of trying to manage time, allow your life to flow in harmony with time's cycles. Pay attention to your biological clock, which tells you when your body needs food and sleep. Don't force yourself into an arbitrary schedule to try to balance your life; design your schedule around what's most natural for you. Release yourself from the pressure of all of your responsibilities coming to bear at one time. Figure out the most appropriate times for certain activities – such as paying bills at a convenient time once a month, instead of whenever they happen to show up in your mailbox – and arrange to do those activities at set times without worrying about them at other times. Consider how often you should do various activities – from going on a date with your spouse to doing laundry – and plan to do them at appropriate intervals rather than trying to do too much all at once.

Build life-enhancing rituals. Create healthy routines that are connected to some deeper meaning or significance and practice them regularly. Rituals can help you achieve your mission in every part of your life and renew you in the process. Come up with monthly rituals like visiting your grandparents every month, weekly rituals such as going to church each week, and daily rituals like exercising at a gym every day and eating dinner with your family each night. But stay flexible, always bearing in mind that your days will be different, so you may enjoy your rituals most days but not all days.

Oscillate between work and rest. Just as Jesus oscillated between times of intensity and renewal, so should you. Sometimes it's best to work hard; sometimes it's best to rest well. Be sure to give your full attention to whatever season you're in. When it's time to work, don't get distracted by other things. When it's time to rest, don't let work projects interfere. When deciding when it's best to either work or rest, be sure to keep in mind factors in your personality, such as whether you're an introvert or an extrovert and whether you have the most energy in the morning or the evening. Think through the best flow of an ideal day for you. When would you like to wake up and go to sleep? When would you tackle your most difficult jobs? When would you renew yourself? Then consider the best days of the week to do various tasks, as well as the best times of each month and year for other activities, like scheduling a conference to work or vacation to rest.

Keep eternity in view. Ask God to help you see your life from an eternal perspective so you can make the best decisions – ones that will use your time on earth to make a positive impact that will last forever. Make God your top priority, and place people as a higher priority than things, because people have eternal value, while things don't last. Invest deeply in your relationships, doing all you can to serve other people and bring honor to God. Constantly sort through your busyness to decide what really matters eternally, and focus on that as you live your life in rhythm.

Adapted from Your Life in Rhythm, copyright 2009 by Bruce B. Miller. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, Ill., www.tyndale.com.
Bruce Miller is the founder and Senior Pastor at McKinney Fellowship. He has studied at University of Texas at Austin, University of Texas at Dallas, and Dallas Theological Seminary, where he taught theology for four years. Bruce also speaks at, consults for, and founded the Center for Church Based Training, where he served as Chairman of the Board for 12 years. He is the co-author of The Leadership Baton. Bruce and his wife, Tamara, have been blessed with five children – four boys and a girl. They reside in McKinney, Texas.

Original publication date: May 18, 2009

Balancing Children, Schedules, and Housework

2009-05-09T13:04:00.001+08:00

Christine Field

Author, Attorney, and Home-School Mother

This is Part 2 of a four-part series. In Part 1 of Chaos Control: Drowning in the Domestic Dumps, Christine began a discussion on the importance of scheduling.

What about interruptions to our well-planned schedule? We need to accept that life with children is full of interruptions and distractions. With daily life, Kathryn from New Hampshire notes, "Being flexible is very important. Phone calls, visitors and interruptions are part of life and can enhance the day. Instead of thinking of them as nuisances, take the time and enjoy others. In turn it teaches the children independent learning and self control to stay focused on their tasks and accept flexibility in an organized day."

But what do you do when your plan "A" becomes God's plan "XYZ"? Interruptions and distractions are inevitable, especially with small children. When was the last time you did ANYTHING without interruption, even going to the bathroom? I believe my children have a sensor which goes off as soon as I sit down. I hear a BANG on the door, and suddenly several little people appear at the door.

A lady named Iris Krasnow wrote a book called Surrendering to Motherhood. She left a glamorous writing career to raise her family, and she said, "When you stop to be where you are, then your life can really begin."

How often do we focus on where we are instead of somewhere else? I struggle with this mightily and have been working on just being where I am instead of having my brain vaporize off into a bunch of different directions.

Mrs. Krasnow said, "Being there isn't about money or even about staying home full time. It's about an emotional and spiritual shift, a succumbing to being where you are when you are, and being there as much as possible. It's about crouching on the floor and getting delirious over the praying mantis you son has just caught, instead of perusing a fax while he is yelling for your attention and you distractedly say over your shoulder: 'Oh, honey, isn't that a pretty bug.' It's about being attuned enough to notice when your kid's eyes shine so you can make your eyes shine back." She goes on to observe, "This Now with the children isn't a cage at all. It's the marrow; finally, I have drilled and drilled right to the Essence."

She's talking, of course, about the essence of life - of being connected to all of life. Could that be what it means in the Bible when it says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if working for the Lord, not for men (Col. 3:23)?"

A Wise Woman's Physical House

Some mornings I wake up, look around my messy house and begin to feel a sense of dread. It's another day of endless chores, cooking and cleaning. My life feels like drudgery - sheer drudgery. Where is the joy in this?

As I set about my work, I am grumbling. On a really bad day, I lash out at the children. "Why can't you take care of your stuff?" I shout. Then I look at my own disheveled room and wonder where they learned their habits.

Brother Lawrence was a man who did everything in love. His book, The Practice of the Presence of God (Springdale, PA, Whitaker House, 1982) revolutionized my spiritual life. He was a humble monk who cooked and cleaned for the other monks in his monastery. Whether he peeled potatoes or scrubbed pots, he did it with a heart full of the love of God. "During your meals or during your daily duty," he said, "lift up your heart to Him, because even the least little remembrance will please Him. You don't have to pray out loud; He's nearer than you can imagine." (5)

God is near to us when we are changing diapers, scrubbing floors or washing laundry. When we do these things with love, they are done prayerfully and from our hearts. How will our children learn to do those tasks in love if they see us grumbling and grousing? They won't. We are their example of joy in whatever the circumstances of our lives.

Do we view the daily-ness of life as an interruption? The diapers that need to be changed and the questions that beg answers as distractions? Then we are missing the main thing of mothering - the gift to be there to share it all.

I love God and the things he does. He blesses us so much. He gives us a spouse, a house; he blesses us with children and convicts us to home school them.

In the scope of things, the relationships we build with our God with our families here on earth are the things which matter most. If we can keep that perspective while managing the little details of life, we will do the less important things swiftly and efficiently, so we will have time for the things which matter most.

We need to embrace all aspects of mothering and home schooling. When you are delighted with your kids, do you ever grab them and kiss them and embrace them? We've got to embrace motherhood and all of our roles the same way - to be whole-hearted mothers. It becomes easier to embrace motherhood, the good the bad and the ugly, when we know that God exalts motherhood and womanhood.

Proverbs 31 tells us that a virtuous woman's price is far above rubies. I used to be a lawyer, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that about lawyers. I try to remember that when I've spent the day wiping jelly and runny noses. Lawyers are probably placed somewhere down with vipers. God values me so much and he values the work I do as a mother. Keeping that perspective helps tremendously on the really hard days of mothering and home schooling.

How does the wise woman get her house in order?

It starts with analysis. Think about these areas:

What isn't working well?
What drives you crazy and causes fights?
Who is doing what?
What needs to be changed?

These areas cause the most difficulty for home schoolers:

Clutter
Chores
Food
Laundry

In addition to these crucial areas, a home-schooling mom must also carve out planning time to keep all the other areas of life running smoothly. Finally, if she is not fainting from exhaustion, she should think about having some good, old-fashioned family fun.

For each of these areas which annoy you, there are several options:

Continue to do the task yourself, the way you have always done it.
Learn to do it better, more efficiently, with less stress.
Have someone else in the family do it.
Have someone outside the family do it.

Next week we will look specifically at controlling clutter, managing chores, and training children to do chores.

Christine M. Field practiced law for eight years before becoming a full-time Mommy. She and her husband live and home school their four children in Wheaton, Illinois where her husband serves as Chief of Police. Three of their four children are adopted, one through a private adoption and two are from Korea. She is the author of several books, including Coming Home to Raise Your Children (Fleming Revell, 1995), Should You Adopt? (Fleming Revell, 1997) A Field Guide to Home Schooling (Fleming Revell, 1998), and Life Skills for Kids (Harold Shaw/WaterBrook, 2000). Her fifth book, Help for the Harried Home Schooler (Shaw/WaterBrook 2002) will be available in January 2002. In addition to her contribution to Crosswalk.com, she writes columns for several magazines, including Home School Digest and Open Arms Magazine. Her work appears regularly in Hearts at Home Magazine and others. Her articles on life skills have appeared in Focus on the Family Magazine and Single Parent Family.

Christine loves to encourage others. She has spoken to many groups, including small fellowships and large conventions. To contact her about speaking to your group, or to share your tips and ideas about home schooling, you may email her at FieldFamily@HomeFieldAdvantage.org or visit her website at www.HomeFieldAdvantage.org. You may write to her at The Home Field Advantage, P.O. Box 261, Wheaton, IL 60189-0261.

The Three Gifts of Motherhood

2009-05-09T12:58:00.001+08:00

Denise Glenn

source: CrossWalk

There are three gifts of Motherhood that will never be outgrown and always fit every age and stage of childhood. I'll share the first one with you.

The first of these is the blanket of your unconditional love. He needs love not based on his performance or behavior. He needs your love just because he is yours. And there are several ways to give your child this absolute, unreasonable love.

First, give your child the gift of time. Take a look at your weekly calendar and carve off a big chunk just to goof off with your children or grandchildren for two or three hours each week. If it goes on the calendar and you guard it as if it were an appointment with the President, you'll find the delight in keeping company with some amazing people...your offspring! Try not to make it legalistic, and just another "good Christian thing to do," but throw yourself into spending time with these precious people in your life just for the fun of it.

If you have preschool children or grandchildren, try spending a few hours on the floor coloring and blowing bubbles. Read a few books, sing a few songs, and go outside whenever possible and swing.

School-aged kids might enjoy a bike ride and picnic. Or if you're brave you might even play bombardment with them. Most kids LOVE it. It will require a rubber ball, a good pair of tennis shoes, and the ability to move quickly-which will be counted as your aerobic exercise for the week! Bombardment is the game of Tag or It, but with a ball. If the ball hits you, you're It, then you get to try to throw it to someone to make them It. This game is not usually played by adults, and that's the whole point. Play a real kid game. Be sure not to care if your clothes get dirty or torn.

For preteens and teens, try a Coke date or Coffee House break. Just sit around and ask about their music or a movie and the conversation will usually take off. Then you can keep listening between the lines to see if they will share something a little more personal. Don't press. Just be still and listen and wait. Being friends with people who are self-conscious and suspicious of adults takes patience, the willingness to be rejected, and a lot of prayerful confidence in what God can do with any and every life.

The second gift is the gift of touch. Almost everyone knows little babies need lots of physical hugging, kissing and touching. As kids grow, they don't outgrown needing to feel the warmth of mom's hands. Just a squeeze and hug for some is enough before they go on their way, but others need the physical reassurance of big doses of your Mother presence. From combing their hair, to rubbing sore muscles, or carefully applying Bactine and Band-Aids, children need to sense Mother-love from Mother-touch. Stop and think about the sensory perception your child has of your hands. Even teens and adult kids need the connection to mom through a pat on the back or a gentle embrace.

Finally, give your kids unconditional love by talking to them. Time, touch, and now, talk. Sit and listen, Mom. Your kids say some amazingly revealing things as they go about their day. Often these revelations unfold as they are going to bed, and mostly when the lights should have been out long ago. They can sleep another time. Take the time when they start to talk to listen around and between the lines of their chatter. Sift through the wrapping until they finally take off the last layer and expose the precious contents beneath. Be a very good steward of this treasure. Take most of it to your grave in secrecy. But let this unique creation that God entrusted into your care know that you know, you care, and you believe in them. That comes when you take the Time, to Touch their hearts, and really Talk.

Denise Glenn is the founder of MotherWise ministries and the author of Freedom for Mothers, Wisdom for Mothers and Restore My Heart. Visit Motherwise at www.motherwise.org

5 Ways to Build the Family You've Always Wanted

2009-04-22T14:19:00.001+08:00

by Whitney Hopler
Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen," (Northfield Publishing, 2008).

If the family life you have now doesn't look like the healthy, nurturing family you've always wanted, don't despair. It's possible to create a better family, no matter what your background or current circumstances.

Here's how you can build the family you've always wanted:

1. Develop a heart for service. So much work needs to be done in a family -- from household chores like laundry, dishes, and paying bills to errands like grocery shopping and taking cars for oil changes. Make sure that every family member pitches in to help with a fair share of the work. Assign age-appropriate tasks to each of your children. Even very young children can help set the table for meals; older kids can do a wide range of chores like mowing the lawn or organizing closets.

If your family learns to serve each other, you'll learn to serve others outside your family, too. Such service pleases God and enlarges your hearts. Model service to your children by letting them see you engaged in service projects that make a positive difference in other people's lives. Give them opportunities to serve alongside you whenever possible. Affirm your children when they complete the work you've assigned them to do; your words will encourage them to keep serving.

2. Start relating intimately to your spouse. If an emotional wall has developed between you and your spouse, break it down by regularly acknowledging your failures, asking your spouse to forgive you, and forgiving your spouse whenever he or she hurts or offends you. Communicate well with each other, sharing your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly and listening carefully to what your spouse has to say.

Move beyond simply sharing information (such as when you plan to pick up a child or what you'd like to eat for dinner) and start sharing your deep desires and frustrations with each other. Develop intellectual intimacy by telling your thoughts, develop emotional intimacy by discussing your feelings, develop social intimacy by spending time together and discussing the time you've spent apart, develop spiritual intimacy by opening your souls to each other, and develop physical intimacy by sharing your bodies through sex.

3. Guide your children well. Keep in mind when training your children that they must feel loved in order for your training to work. If they feel loved by you, even poor attempts at training can produce good results. Discover each of your children's love languages -- how you can express love to them in ways they'll best understand. The main love languages are:

Words of affirmation,
Quality time,
Physical touch, receiving gifts, and
Acts of service.

Look for clues to your children's love languages in how they express love to you, what they request of you most often, and what they complain about most often.

Make time to teach your kids creatively throughout every part of life you experience together. Pray with your kids often. Engage in conversations with them regularly, in which you discuss their thoughts and feelings and show a genuine interest in their lives. Encourage your children to take risks as God leads them and to learn from both their successes and failures. Speak encouraging words to your children often and write them encouraging notes or send them encouraging texts messages or e-mails.

When you need to correct them for misbehavior, aim to do so in a way that motivates them toward positive behavior. Choose your battles wisely. Correct only behavior that is truly destructive or detrimental to your children's development and let the rest go. Correct out of love instead of uncontrolled anger. Seek your children's wellbeing and choose discipline methods designed to benefit them.

Affirm your children for who they are, rather than just for what they do. Let your children know that you notice and appreciate their personal qualities, from how clever their minds are to how their decisions show strong moral character. Accentuate the positive to help your children overcome the many negative messages they sometimes receive from their peers and analyzing themselves.

Make time to show your children how to do the tasks you want them to perform instead of just telling them what to do. When they're trying to learn a new skill like reading or riding a bike, teach them how to deal with emotions like fear, anger, and disappointment and emphasize the importance of values such as courage, hard work, and honesty. Aim to be a healthy role model for them as you show them how to do something. Weave your actions in with your words and be consistent with your training to help your children learn best.

4. Help your children obey and honor you and your spouse. While making every effort to make sure your children feel loved, also make sure that your children experience the consequences of their behavior. Think and pray about what rules to set, and if your children are older, listen to their input about what rules should be set and why. When considering a particular rule, ask:
"Is this rule good for the child? Will it have some positive effect on this child's life?"

"Does this rule keep the child from danger or destruction?"
"Does this rule teach the child some positive character trait, such as honesty, hard work, kindness, or sharing?"
"Does this rule protect property?"
"Does this rule teach stewardship of possessions?"
"Does this rule teach the child responsibility?" and
"Does this rule teach good manners?"

Set consequences -- both good and bad -- for your children's behavior. Tie the consequences as closely as possible to the rules to which they relate. Give older children opportunities to help decide their own consequences for certain behaviors; that will make them more likely to accept the consequences when they break rules. Aim to be consistent, loving, and kind yet firm when disciplining your children.

Model what it looks like to honor parents by treating your own parents well if they're still alive. Visit and call them often; help care for their needs. Whether or not your own parents are still living, choose a lifestyle of generous service -- investing your life to honor God and bless other people -- and your children will be inspired by your example and motivated to do the same themselves.

5. Build a family where the husband loves and leads. A healthy husband is crucial to the health of a family, since God has planned for husbands to serve as the spiritual leaders of their homes. A healthy husband:

Views his wife as an equal partner and works well with her when making decisions
Communicates with his wife openly and in positive ways
Makes his relationship with his wife his top priority after God
Loves his wife unconditionally
Is committed to discovering and meeting his wife's needs, and
Seeks to model his spiritual and moral values.

A healthy father:
Is actively involved in his children's lives,
Makes time to be with his children often, engages in conversations with them regularly,
Plays with them often,
Teaches them his values,
Provides for and protects his children, and
Loves his children unconditionally.

Wives can motivate their husbands to grow by encouraging them and praising their efforts without expecting perfection. If wives share their desires in terms of requests rather than demands, husbands will respond better. Wives should give their husbands plenty of love and try to meet his basic needs -- including his strong sexual needs.

When they feel cared for, husbands will be motivated to act in loving ways themselves. Wives whose husbands get defensive also need to learn how to communicate in ways that don't strike at their husbands' self-esteem.

Published April 15, 2009.

Adapted from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen, copyright 2008 by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Northfield Publishing, Chicago, Ill., www.moodypublishers.com.
Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of the New York Times bestselling book The Five Love Languages. With over 30 years of counseling experience, he has the uncanny ability to hold a mirror up to human behavior, showing readers not just where they go wrong, but also how to grow and move forward. Dr. Chapman is the host of the weekly one-hour radio program, Building Relationships, and has been featured at the Pentagon and United Nations. He is a prolific conference speaker and makes his home with his wife in North Carolina.

You need a mentor

2009-04-18T14:06:00.001+08:00

You need a mentor
by Rick Warren

Everyone has a reservoir of knowledge, skills, and experience they can share. A wise person will learn to

draw them out.

Rick Warren

Every pastor needs a mentor. No matter what stage you are in your ministry, you need someone to coach you.

All sorts of organizations use the mentoring process to make people better at what they do. In medicine, doctors mentor younger doctors. In music, musicians mentor other musicians. Why? It works. We learn best when we have people who can speak into our lives and ministry.

Proverbs 19:20 says, "Get all the advice you can and be wise the rest of your life." I will always need a coach – no matter how old I get or how successful I become. Lebron James is one of the best basketball players on the planet. He still needs a coach. You will never get to a point in your life you can say, "I've learned it all. I don't need anybody else to help me."

A mentor brings out the best in you in three areas: your roles, your goals, and your soul. Mentors give us perspective. They help us look at ourselves and our ministry from the outside. We don't always see what we're doing outside of our own perspective. We see from our own limited focus. We need somebody else in our life to say, "Have you thought about…? What about this? What about that?"

Saddleback would not be where it is today without men who've poured their lives into me – people who've made me look at my ministry in a different light. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel but with many advisors they succeed." What God has done through Saddleback over the past 30 years hasn't happened because I'm smart. It's because I've had great mentors and advisors. They are people I've bounced ideas off of and gotten feedback from.

What do you look for in a mentor? Let me suggest three qualities.

Someone who has the character and values you admire. You want to find a mentor who is the kind of person you want to be.
Someone with the skills and experience you want. Look for another pastor who has the particular ministry skills you want to improve upon. Maybe it's preaching. Maybe it's leadership. Maybe it's a pastor who has successfully navigated through a building campaign. Find someone who is good at something you want to be good at.
Someone you trust. If you don't trust your mentor, you're not going to learn anything from him. Just because a mentor has a lot of knowledge doesn't mean you'll click with him. To make a good mentoring experience, in time you'll need to be able to open up to the person you choose.

Ask good questions

Once you pick the right mentor, you'll need to make the most of the time you have with that person. Neither you nor your mentor have unlimited time. What can you do to maximize your time with your mentor? Ask questions.

Before you meet with your mentor, spend some time thinking about questions you want to ask. Think about what issues you're dealing with in your ministry. Think about what areas of your mentor's ministry you'd like to learn from. Be specific.

One of my mentors was a guy named Billy, who had a mentor himself. Billy went to a large church in Texas and put himself under the pastor. At the end of six months, Billy went to him and said, "I've watched your teaching for six months and I've never heard you preach a dud. God speaks through everything you teach. Every time you teach there's power, practical information, and good insight. I would like to know how you stay fresh. What's your secret?" The man told Billy, "About 35 to 40 years ago, I made a commitment to stay fresh, so I could feed other people. To do that, I read through the New Testament once a week."

Billy sat there dumbfounded, trying to think up an intelligent follow-up question to ask. "What translation do you read it in?" Billy asked. The Texas pastor said, "Usually in the original Greek." Billy later told me that he could have been with the guy for five or six years and never found out the secret to his freshness and spiritual depth if he hadn't asked the question.

Anyone – at any time – can be a mentor if you learn to ask questions. Everyone has a reservoir of knowledge, skills, and experience they can share. A wise person will learn to draw them out. If I were to sit down with you, I'd learn some things that would make me a better pastor. I'm sure of it. You've had experiences that I haven't had – and vice versa.

Be prepared with standard questions to ask every time you get around someone who's making an impact with their life. Questions like:

• How do you handle stress?
• What have been the greatest successes in your life?
• What were the causes of those successes?
• What were the greatest failures in your life?
• What would you do differently if you were starting over?
• What kind of books do you read?
• How do you manage your time?
• How do you manage your money?
• What have been the greatest lessons you've learned?
• What have been the greatest surprises in your life?

Successful people give off clues. Look for those clues. Pull them out and learn from them.

Welcome feedback

Getting feedback from mentors is also absolutely critical. If you don't get feedback, you're going to get off course. During all the Apollo trips to the moon, those spaceships had to do course corrections literally every second. The earth was turning, and the moon was turning. To make it, the astronauts had to constantly change the course of their ship. And the only way they could do that was to get feedback.

You need course corrections from time to time in ministry as well. To make those corrections, you'll need someone on the outside of your ministry to give you feedback. If you're not open to feedback from a mentor, you're not going to learn and you're not going to grow.

Pastor, you need a mentor in your ministry. Whether you're 35, 55, or 75, there is someone you can learn from. Find someone with character. Find someone with skills you desire. Find someone you trust.

Find a mentor.



		Article by Rick Warren

How to Resolve the Four Kinds of Marital Conflict

2009-04-01T01:31:00.000+08:00

Kathy Collard Miller, D. Larry Miller

ROMANS 12:17--21 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Conflict often makes our beloved seem like an enemy. We can easily begin to think, "It's me against you!" when we're supposed to be on the same side. Yet when we start picking a fight with our spouse and, in effect, try to take vengeance by getting our own way, we're certainly not trusting God to fulfill his promise to work in someone's life. If we're supposed to give food and water to our enemy, then let's resolve our conflicts with our best friend--our mate! Here's how to identify the four main kinds of conflict and what to do about them:

1. Faults and Weaknesses. Everyone has faults. Faults aren't sins. Faults could be based in the weaknesses of your spouse's personality. A person who seems to talk too much is a gregarious kind of person. You may judge that she talks too much, but that's because you may not talk much at all. She is most likely thinking you don't talk enough. This is not a conflict about sin; rather, it is a lack of compassion and understanding about who God created your spouse to be.

If your conflict comes from trying to change your spouse, remember that only God can change someone. It isn't your job. Don't allow conflict to separate you emotionally because of his fault or weakness. At the same time, you can gently point out how too much talking prevents both of you from contributing to the conversation. Speaking "peaceably" means inviting a dialogue--not haranguing your spouse for what you perceive is wrong. Ask God to make any changes that he wants. Believe it or not, he might not plan to change that person at this time, and you can relax and eliminate the conflict knowing that he has his perfect timing.

2. Unintended Emotional Injury. When someone hurts your feelings and he didn't intend to (although we might think he did), we can easily fall into the trap of blaming and taking it personally. Each person thinks he is right.

It's important to express your hurt by saying something like, "I know you didn't intend to hurt me, but I felt . . . [and share your feelings]." Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. He loves you, and most of the time, what you think is meant to hurt you isn't intended that way. It was most likely a misunderstanding, or he inadvertently touched on something that is a wound within you, possibly even from childhood.

Acknowledging the underlying causes of why this "triggers" you is essential. Most often, things from our childhood are at the root. For instance, a wife was neglected by her father, and so any slight by her husband takes her back emotionally (without her knowing it) to those longings of wanting her daddy to love her. Because of this trigger, she will need to take responsibility for her own reaction. The person who inadvertently hurt his or her spouse can remember this: "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out" (Proverbs 20:5). God wants you to compassionately invite your spouse to address her hurt and possibly her wound from the past.

The "offending" spouse will need to walk "peaceably" by not reacting in kind with anger or hurt. By keeping your cool, you will cover the situation with a calming balm. Proverbs 15:1 urges us, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

3. Preferences. During your courtship, you most likely appreciated the differences that completed you as a couple. If one of you is outgoing and friendly, the other person is most likely more reserved. You liked how your spouse made friends easily so that you didn't have to put out so much effort. But now that difference has made him or her into an enemy. You may feel that he is so friendly with everyone else that he ignores you.

Living peaceably means recognizing that a preference isn't sinful. Just because you think one way doesn't mean your spouse's opposite thinking is wrong--it's just different. Different isn't wrong. Your conflict is based in thinking that there's only one way to think about something or do something. But look at Proverbs 27:14: "If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." If because you're an early riser you think it's pretty close to a sin to sleep in late, the Bible says you're cursing your friend. Some things just aren't in a sin category.

If your spouse thinks strongly about something, then it may be even more of a conflict if you feel that you're going to be forced to abide by your spouse's preferences. That's why you need to try to feel his passion or preference. That doesn't mean you need to change your preference, just understand how much it means to him. You may both choose to do your "own thing" separately if one person doesn't enjoy the desired activity, but leave room for both of you to do what you want at some point. Or take turns. If your conflict is about where to go on vacation, decide that one year you will go to the lake and the next year you will go to the mountains. Or find a place that has both a lake and a mountain.

If you feel that your own preferences aren't ever honored, first look at the word ever. Is that really true? Or is your spouse giving in on some things thinking she is pleasing you, except that particular thing isn't that important to you so you don't give her credit for her effort? But when you say "You never let me" or "We don't ever," your spouse may point out something that she thought she was doing for you but you hadn't noticed because it's not your important preference. This is why it's important to communicate what's valuable to you. And if your spouse tells you you're not really hearing what she says, listen! Really listen and try to feel her passion. Understand that just as your activity is important to you, so also is her activity to her.

4. Sin. When your spouse sins, he can certainly seem like the enemy. Yet Romans 12:17--21 tells us we have a choice whether to live peaceably with our enemy. That doesn't mean overlooking his sin or doing nothing about it, but it does mean having an attitude of good that isn't overcome by evil. And most of the time in conflict, evil means being angry. Being angry means that you're trying to be in control instead of allowing God to be, and that won't get you the result you want. Yes, you'll still need to call your spouse's attention to the sin. If it's horrible and terribly painful, like adultery, and your spouse refuses to remove himself from the sin, then you may need to separate legally. But most of the time, we're dealing with sin that is grievous but not liable to end the marriage. What then can we do?

God calls us to righteousness if we are the offended party. This is not a self-righteous, I'm-better-than-you attitude, but a humble heart like the one 1 Peter 3:8--9 describes: "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."

Compassion means thinking, "I could do something like that, and even if I haven't, I've done something equally bad or pretty close." Sin is sin. Regardless of the degree of sin that we have committed, we've all fallen short. We all stand on equal ground before a holy God who has forgiven us. In those moments, Galatians 6:1--2 is a good reminder: "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (NKJV). We could have done the same thing if we were tempted in the same way.

Compassion also means forgiving our mate, but forgiving doesn't mean we're saying the sin didn't happen or that he or she shouldn't suffer the consequences of sin. But it means releasing our anger and our need to take revenge. Then set up a plan for accountability and strength for your spouse to turn from the sin so that the two of you can be reconciled.

How Others See It

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Agree on a follow-up plan. "If I notice something again, how do you want me to help you? What do you want me to do?" This way you become a team member to deal with the problem and not a police officer. You might want to talk to him about bringing other resources to the problem as well, such as friends to hold him accountable. The important issue is that you are together as a team to fight the reoccurrence.

Becky and Roger Tirabassi give seven motivators for forgiving others:

To forgive someone benefits you.

To forgive doesn't mean you allow the person to continue to hurt you in the same way.

Most people don't intentionally try to hurt you.

God wants us to forgive others.

It won't be long before you will need to be forgiven.

Forgiveness becomes easier when you look for similar behavior in your life.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision!

source: CWalk

This article originally posted on November 5, 2007.

Excerpted from

Bring Worship Home

2009-03-27T14:20:00.001+08:00

Peter Beck
Assistant Professor of Religion, Charleston Southern University

It happens all the time. You've read a passage before, maybe many
times. Then, out of the blue, those assumed familiar words jump off
the page, grab you by the ears, and scream, "Look at me!" That
happened to me again recently as I was reading through 1 Chronicles.
Chapter 16 ends with these incredibly subtle but marvelously rich
words:

"Then all the people departed each to his house, and David went home
to bless his household."

The context of verse 43 is the bringing of the ark up to Jerusalem.
David and others had worshipped God and his covenantal faithfulness
corporately. Now, David is on his way home and seeking to see the
overflow of that worship touch his family as well.

There are several strong reminders for us in this little verse:

1 - Worship does not end at noon. What we do on Sunday morning is the
beginning of a weeklong period of worship, meant to go with us beyond
the church doors into every area of our lives.

2 - True worship buoys our entire being. When we really worship,
putting God first, we cannot but help to be lifted up. It is at this
point the Westminster admonitions to glorify God and enjoy him forever
come together. When we truly glorify God, it changes our outlook and
raises our spirits. By worshipping God, we enjoy God, and we want more
of God.

3 - Family worship is a natural extension of corporate worship. David
wasn't merely content to head home whistling the tune to his favorite
hymn. He wanted to see them enjoy the blessings of worshiping God as
well. He wanted to bring them alongside himself in his abundance of
joy.

4 - This text (well actually its sister text in 2 Samuel 16) reminds
us that the cares of the world, if we allow them to intrude, can
destroy our spirit of worship and take away the joy of our
relationship with God. In David's case, his wife Michal, a daughter of
his predecessor Saul, immediately confronted him over his public acts
of worship. She stole his joy. He went from intending to bless his
family to defending himself. We must be ever vigilant to protect and
preserve the attitude of worship.

The next time you go to church, see if you find yourself in David's
shoes, jubilant and full of the desire to share that joy with others.
If so, do so. Tell others about your worship experience. Invite them
in to your joy. Add other voices to the choir of God. If not, why not?
Did you not truly worship? Or, do the cares of this world obscure your
view of the one to come?

Five guiding principles for pastors’ wives

2009-03-20T10:59:00.001+08:00

Five guiding principles for pastors' wives
by Geri Scazzero with Pete Scazzero

I had to come to grips with the reality that I was a separate human being – with different feelings, desires, loves, passions,

and interests.

Geri Scazzero

I spent my first eight years as a senior pastor's spouse feeling like I was in the back of a runaway car going down a steep, winding mountain road at 65 mph. Although I rarely admitted it to God or myself, I was unhappy, depressed, exhausted, and angry.

Finally, after eight years of seeking to be a "good and submissive wife as to the Lord," I realized that the brakes on our car were not functioning. The pressures of leadership in the church had driven my husband out of the driver's seat. He, like the car, was out of control.

During that stressful time, I wondered what happened to the 27-year-old, passionate, enthusiastic, joyful follower of Jesus that was so excited to serve in church leadership. I was basically functioning as a single mother, and I was married to a husband who was not listening. I loved Pete very much, but his desire for the church to succeed had drowned out our marriage and family life.

Finally I quit – not the marriage, but the church. I refused to participate in the unhealthy cycle Pete was living and perpetuating. I got out of the back seat and exerted my power as a human being made in the image of God.

I do not blame Pete for what happened to me. I had died to the wrong things and lost focus on what was really important. This one act of getting out of the back seat of the car to awaken to the life God had given me unleashed a revolution in me personally, our marriage, and, ultimately, our church.

The last 16 years have been the best of my life!

As I speak with the spouses of pastors, elders, deacons, and leaders – regardless of race, ethnicity, denomination, or age – most feel the same way. They love their spouses and love Jesus. The problem is that they are unhappy and stressed. There is little time left over for loving themselves, their spouses, or others. Many secretly would love to be out of the ministry but are afraid to admit it.

So if you are married to a pastor, leader, elder, or deacon, I invite you to a new way of serving in leadership that better reflects the way of Jesus. The following are five principles that have guided me the past 16 years.

Get off the roller coaster. This takes great courage! Consider the fruit of the Spirit in you and your marriage. Are you experiencing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? If not, consider taking a hard look at the root issues. The apostle Paul made it clear in 1 Timothy 3:4-5 that the ministry of the leader in the church is to flow out of the quality of marriage and family life. Pastoral couples are first called to invest time, energy, and resources in their own marriage and family. When we fulfill that marital vow, we send a more powerful message to our church than any sermon or seminar.

Pay attention to how God uniquely made you. I had suppressed parts of myself that God had given me. For example, I love the outdoors, outings with my extended family, creativity, leadership, and fun. Our rigid gender roles, however, had me at home with the children while Pete was out building the church. I had died to things God never asked me to die to – such as my need for silence and solitude, along with my personal growth. Take some time alone with God and ask him what parts of you may be dead or dormant that he desires to awaken.

Be honest with yourself and your spouse about expectations. I love Pete. I always have. Part of the problem in our marriage, however, was that I did not have the courage to tell him the truth about how I felt or what I really wanted. The technical word used in 12-step groups would be "enmeshed" or "codependent." I had to come to grips with the reality that I was a separate human being – with different feelings, desires, loves, passions, and interests. I did not want to be alone most nights with a husband working 70 hours a week. I wanted a life outside of New Life church! At least in our marriage, Pete did not change until I took this step. This forced Pete to confront his lifestyle and inconsistencies.

Learn to stop over-functioning. Do you move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits? Are you always reliable and "put together"? Then you are probably an overfunctioner. If so, you need to let go of burdens God never meant for you to carry so that your spouse and children can become who God wants them to be. As I learned to progressively let Pete bear consequences for his decisions, he matured and changed. I also came much more alive and loving.

Do your own work of following Jesus. What does it mean to take up your cross and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23)? We want to die to sins such as defensiveness, the need to be right, a critical spirit, and fear of what others think. But remember, God never asked you to die to a great marriage that reflects Christ and his bride. Unfortunately, I did not know what I was missing the first eight years of our marriage. It takes time, lots of it, to grow and nurture a mature, intimate, mutually satisfying marriage. Get some outside help and training. Talk to a mature leader or counselor. The "deadness" in you and your marriage is "oil light" on your spiritual formation dashboard from God. Don't be afraid. Our good God is on the throne!

If you believe in the Holy Spirit and the power of God, then start living the way he created you to live. Have the courage to feel and be honest – to yourself, to God, and to your spouse. "And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32).

Pete and Geri's story can be seen on a 12-minute DVD at www.emotionallyhealthy.org

Geri Scazzero directs large group events and the marriage ministry at New Life Fellowship Church in Queens, N.Y. She is a certified Pairs trainer and speaks, along with her husband Pete, to pastors, leaders and their spouses across North America on integrating the groundbreaking principles found in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (Nelson, 2006).

Copyright © 2009 Geri Scazzero

resource: Change Your Thoughts to Change Your Marriage

2009-03-17T12:31:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com

bible study/lesson resource

The following is a report on the practical applications of Mitch Temple's book, The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently about Your Relationship Can Change Everything, (Moody Publishers, 2009).

Do you think your marriage should be making you happy? Are you trying to change your spouse? You may be carrying around a lot of marriage myths like these in your mind without even realizing it.

Our culture is full of commonly held false assumptions about marriage. If you believe them without examining them, they'll affect your marriage in ways that can be dangerous. But if you change your false beliefs about marriage to reflect biblical truth, you'll change your marriage for the better.

Here are some of the marriage myths you can overcome:

"The grass is greener on the other side of the fence." Although other men may seem better than your husband or other women may seem more appealing than your wife, everyone is human. Any other person you may choose to leave your marriage for will end up being just as flawed as your spouse. You're far better off using your time and energy to work on your existing marriage than leaving – causing yourself and others deep pain the process – only to see new problems spring up in a new relationship.

"Attitudes don't really count." Your attitudes determine your feelings and behaviors, so they actually affect your marriage profoundly. If you think negatively, you're likely to feel badly about your marriage and act in bad ways toward your spouse. But if you think positively, you'll often feel good about your marriage and choose good actions that will benefit your relationship. If your attitudes are on the right track, then the rest of your life – including your marriage – will be, too. So choose a hopeful attitude about your spouse and your marriage, every day. That will motivate you to make the positive choices that will improve your marriage.

"I need to change my spouse." No matter how much you'd like to change your spouse, you don't have the power to change another person. So instead of wasting your time and energy trying to change your spouse, ask God to help you understand, accept, and appreciate your spouse more. Get to know your spouse's unique personality better. When you're frustrated by one of your spouse's behaviors, pray about it and trust God – the only One who can change your spouse – to work in your spouse's life. If you want to change your marriage, focus on making changes in your own behavior, which will then change the dynamic of your relationship for the better and possibly inspire your spouse to change his or her own behavior.

Keep in mind that there are some aspects of your spouse that will remain the same, such as: gender, different communication styles, genetic influences, life history, and personality. Do all you can to show your mate that you accept him or her. Your unconditional love may motivate your spouse to change for the better (in ways that he or she can) at the right time and in the right ways.

"I didn't marry my soul mate." Marriage isn't a matter of finding the only person in the entire world you should marry or despairing that you've missed out if you haven't found that magical person. The truth is that you could have married any number of people and had your marriage would out just fine. Rather than worrying about finding a soul mate, focus on becoming one. Over time in your marriage, you and your spouse can become each other's soul mates by growing closer to God and each other.

An important part of building a soul mate relationship is simply showing up – physically and emotionally – no matter how hurt or hopeless you might happen to feel at a particular time. Also remember to keep your expectations of each other realistic. Your spouse is a real person who can't possibly measure up to a mythical idea of an ideal soul mate. Focus on your spouse as he or she actually is, and make up your mind to discover your soul mate – and become one.

"My needs come first." You know you have a consumer attitude toward your marriage when you catch yourself thinking or saying things like,

"What am I getting out of this marriage, anyway?"
"I deserve better" or
"What's in this for me?"

But the more you focus on getting your own needs met in your marriage, the less likely that is to happen because your attitude will undermine your relationship with your spouse and make him or her less likely to want to meet your needs.

Research has shown that the marriages that work best are those in which both spouses decide every day to make sacrifices for the good of the other. Ask God to help you overcome your selfish nature and develop a desire to serve your spouse daily. Pray for the compassion and empathy you need for your spouse. Be willing to help your mate whenever he or she needs it – no matter how inconvenient it will be for you to help. Remember that, ultimately, it's God who meets your needs. Sometimes He just uses your spouse to do so. Whenever you're concerned that one of your needs isn't being met, pray about it and trust God to help you.

"Happiness is everything." There's simply no such thing as a happy pill you can take for your marriage. Sometimes you and your spouse will go through circumstances that make you feel happy, but sometimes you'll encounter challenges that will make you feel unhappy. Just as your circumstances will constantly change, so will your feelings. So decide to base your marriage decisions on something much more reliable than your feelings – base them on timeless biblical truth. If you live by God's truths revealed in the Bible, you'll discover that right living – doing the right thing, even when it doesn't make you happy – will actually lead to more happiness in the long run because you'll be making decisions that protect you from lots of unnecessary pain.

So instead of spending your energy pursuing things that create happiness, direct your energy toward pursuing God above all else, and happiness will naturally come into your life. Rather than expecting your spouse to make you happy (which is futile), focus on serving your spouse, and enjoy the improvements that will bring to your marriage.

Be sure to forgive your spouse every time he or she hurts or offends you. Withholding forgiveness will prevent you from experiencing happiness in your life. Rely on God's help throughout the forgiveness process. When you decide to follow His call to forgive despite your negative feelings toward your spouse, God will give you His peace that you never could have experienced otherwise.

"It's okay to be rude – we're married!" Although you may feel so comfortable around your spouse that you think anything goes in your relationship, being rude will only harm your marriage. Marriage doesn't give you a license to mistreat each other. Take your little annoying habits seriously because they may be big deal to your spouse. Ask God to help you stop whatever habits bother your spouse, from putting your feet on the furniture at home to making sarcastic comments about him or her in public.

Be patient while your spouse tries to change his or her own annoying habits. Recognize the significant effect that rude behavior in your marriage has not just on the two of you, but also on others in your lives, like your children. Do all you can to treat your spouse the way you would like your spouse to treat you.

"I shouldn't have to ask." Your spouse can't read your mind, so he or she doesn't automatically know what you need. If you need something from your spouse, you usually do have to ask for it – and sometimes you have to ask several times until your spouse fully listens and understands.

Pray about your need first; then ask your spouse. Make suggestions instead of demands. Be flexible and don't push for a decision until he or she is ready.

When your spouse brings a request to you, don't get irritated or defensive. Instead, be thankful that your spouse cares enough to work on your relationship. Listen carefully, giving your spouse your full attention and refraining from making judgments or drawing conclusions until he or she is finished speaking. Seriously consider what your spouse is asking. Think and pray about it. Ask questions to clarify what your spouse needs. Remember that God calls you to put other's needs above your own.

"Conflict is bad." Conflict can be disruptive and scary, but like a good thunderstorm, it can clear the air. If you and your spouse use conflict constructively, it can help you each solve problems in your marriage and grow as people in the process. The key to effective conflict is learning when to engage and when to walk away.

Avoid destructive types of conflict, like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and blaming. Use conflict to help clear contaminants out of your marriage and move you both in a positive direction. Follow these guidelines for fighting fair: Start the argument with a positive, respectful approach rather than with loud words, harsh statements, or judgmental accusations. Don't deny problems. Choose your battles, letting minor issues go. Schedule important discussions for the right times and places.

Avoid trying to do deal with issues during times of great stress or grief, and create an environment where you can be calm and not disturbed. Listen well. Don't use sex as a weapon in your arguments with your spouse. Never threaten divorce. Control your anger. Call a time out if either you or your spouse is becoming too angry, but be sure to come back later to discuss the issue again.

"A crisis means we're over." Every marriage experiences problems. Whenever you and your spouse encounter a crisis, it doesn't mean that your marriage is over. In fact, a crisis can actually strengthen your marriage if you trust God through it and learn from it. Pray for the help you need during a crisis. Commit to doing whatever it takes to work through the problem at hand.

Establish mutually agreed upon rules of interaction, such as no shouting or blaming. Cut off relationships with other people who have a negative influence on your marriage. Ask God to give you the discernment to know what to say and what not to say, when to speak, and how to say what you need to say.

"All pain in our marriage is bad." Pain is never pleasant to go through, but it can actually be a gift because it directs your attention to problems that need to be solved. When your spouse is in physical or emotional pain, never underestimate how much he or she may be struggling. Support your spouse without judging him or her; understand that your spouse won't be able to respond to you normally when in pain. Pray for your spouse. When you're in pain yourself, let your pain drive you to rely more closely on God and discover His grace.

"Marriage is just too hard." While marriage is definitely hard sometimes, it doesn't ever need to be too hard. Start making small, consistent investments in your marriage every day to make your marriage easier. You and your spouse can make deposits into each other's emotional bank accounts by doing or saying loving things for each other. Do what you can to cut down on the withdrawals you each make from each other's emotional bank accounts (ways you hurt each other).

Spend time doing simple activities together that you both enjoy, like walking or writing letters. Invest the time and energy necessary to keep romance alive in your marriage. Pray together and for each other often. Instead of relying on your own limited strength to maintain a close marriage, rely on God's unlimited power to guide and help you every day.

Adapted from The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently about Your Relationship Can Change Everything, copyright 2009 by Mitch Temple. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill., www.moodypublishers.com.

Mitch Temple serves as the director over marriage programs at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He represents Focus at national events, seminars, media interviews, and radio programs. Mitch is a published author in various professional journals, and co-author of two marriage books. He served for 23 years as pulpit and counseling pastor, specializing in crisis, business, and marriage and family-related issues. He and his wife of more than 25 years have three children and live in Colorado.

The War over Worry

2009-03-12T00:02:00.001+08:00

Adrian Rogers

source: Crosswalk

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? (Matt 6:25-26)

Somebody did a study about what the average person worries about. They found that forty percent of what people worry about never happens. And thirty percent of what people worry about have already happened and you can't do anything about it. Twelve percent of what the average person worries about is what others say about you, which most of the time is untrue. Finally, according to this survey, ten percent of worry deals with your health and worrying will only make that worse!

That leaves about eight percent of the things that are considered to be real problems... and worry will not do any good with these either! Why is it that we worry about a lot of things that are not going to happen or already have happened? It's like the little lady said one time, "Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. Most of the things I worry about never happen."

Let me share with you four ways you can win the war over worry:

Trust in the Lord
God wants to prove Himself to you. Let me ask you, "How do you know that the Lord is the joy of your life?" You don't know, until He takes away your automobile or your health or your home or your family. When you say, "Jesus is all I need" make sure you can prove it. You'll never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.

Do Good
One of the signs that you're not trusting God is that you drop out of your usual activities. They get down. You say, "I lost my job!" Well, what are you doing about it? "Well, I'm just sitting around the house!" Well, quit it! Get out there and do something because you're trusting God to provide!

Delight Yourself in the Lord
Do you want to have a life of joy? Then, put your faith in something, or should I say Someone, who cannot be touched -- the Lord! God isn't finished with you until you find your greatest joy in Him alone. Now take the sentence very slowly -- God is going to keep giving you this test until you pass it. He doesn't flunk anybody out. And so, if you don't pass this time, He'll just run you through again.

Commit Your Way to the Lord
"Commit" literally means "to roll." It means to roll your burden on the Lord. Whatever that burden is, you are to give it to God. His shoulders are broad enough. Matthew 11:30 says, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Is someone critical of you today? Give it to Jesus. Has someone hurt you? Give it to Jesus. Are you unsure about your future? Give it to Jesus.

Rest In The Lord
This word "rest" means "to be silent." We want our answers yesterday. And God is saying, "Hush! Rest in Me!" Friend, God isn't interested in time. He's interested in timing. He's never in a hurry. And He's never late. Waiting on the Lord is like waiting for the sun to rise. You can't hurry it. And you can't stop it.

Trust. Do Good. Delight. Commit. Rest. What is the key to all of this? Jesus. When He is your focus, you can win the war over worry.

lesson resource for the men in church

2009-03-11T23:58:00.001+08:00

5 Ways to Be the Husband God Wants You to Be
Stormie Omartian

In the Bible, God commands, "All of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous" (1 Peter 3:8). Paying heed to these ?ve directives can change your life and your marriage and make you the man and husband God wants you to be. It's de?nitely something well worth praying about.

1. Be of One Mind
It's horrible to have strife in a marriage. It makes us miserable. It affects every area of our lives. And it's probably the closest thing to hell we'll ever know on earth. If it goes on long enough, it can destroy everything. Jesus said, "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand" (Matthew 12:25). Those are frightening predictions. But prayer is the key by which unity in the marriage relationship can be maintained.

A man and wife cannot live entirely independently of one another without paying a steep price for it. It makes them incomplete. "Neither is a man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). But because men and women are different, it's quite easy for them to get off onto completely separate paths. Even in the closest of marriages, the two partners are still not joined at the hip. You and your wife may have separate work, interests, and activities, but if you are praying with and for one another regularly, it will keep you in tune and on the same path. Without this unity of mind and spirit that prayer provides, it's too easy to get used to the other one not being there. And if resentment about that creeps into the heart of either one of you, you can begin to hold yourself apart from one another mentally, physically, or emotionally, without even realizing it.

It is especially important to be of the same faith and beliefs. In fact, this is a good place to begin praying. Your entire relationship is compromised if you are not on the same page in this area. For example, going to separate churches, or going to a church where one of you is not happy, or one of you going to church while the other one consistently does not, all promote a lack of unity.

If you can think of other issues such as this that have caused division between you and your wife, pray speci?cally about them. Ask God to change your heart where necessary to bring you into unity with your wife. Where your wife's attitude and perspective need to change, pray for her to be able to change them. Your marriage will be a strong force for good if the two of you are of one mind.

2. Be Compassionate
Have you ever seen your wife suffering, but you don't know what to do about it? Some men become impatient with that. Others feel so at a loss or overwhelmed by it that it causes them to withdraw. If you recognize that happening to you, ask God to give you a heart of compassion. To be compassionate toward your wife is to have a deep sympathy for any area in which she suffers and to have a strong desire to alleviate that suffering.

Part of being compassionate has to do with simply listening. That means being able to listen without having that faraway look in your eyes that says, "I have more important things to do. Let's get this over with quickly." Your wife is not expecting you to ?x everything. She just needs to know that you hear her heart and care about how she feels.

In the past my husband would stand still and listen to me for no more than three seconds (I timed this) before he would walk out of the room. If I wanted him to hear a complete sentence, I either had to run after him or ?nish the sentence the next time I saw him. Even when I did get him to actually sit down and look at me while I was speaking, I still had to ask him to give me some indication that he comprehended what I was saying. Usually I said something like "Blink if you can hear me." When he blinked, it meant so much to know he had heard my voice. Now he has a heart for my struggles, and he listens with care. Those moments of listening and indicating compassion have been healing to our relationship.

Pray that God will give you a heart of compassion toward your wife and the patience to listen to her when she needs you to do so. It's a ?ne art worth cultivating. It can get you places with her where you've dreamed of being.

3. Be Loving
Jesus loves us with ?delity, purity, constancy, and passion no matter how imperfect we are. If a man doesn't love his wife in that same way, he will abuse his authority and his headship and as a result will abuse her. Because you are one with your wife, you must treat her the way you would your own body. You wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt or destroy it. You love it and care for it. "Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself" (Ephesians 5:33).

Jack Hayford, our pastor for 23 years, always said he could tell when a woman was truly loved by her husband, because she grew more beautiful as the years went on. He recognized an inner beauty that doesn't fade, but rather increases with time when a woman is loved.

You have no idea how much your love means to your wife. Don't withhold it from her, or one way or another you will lose her. The Bible says, "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so" (Proverbs 3:27). Ask God to increase your love for your wife and enable you to show it in a way that makes her beautiful.

4. Be Tenderhearted
Is there anything about your wife that bothers you? Is there something that she does or says, or doesn't do or say, that irritates you? Do you ?nd yourself wanting to change something about her? What happens when you try to make those changes occur? How does she respond when you show your irritation? Have you ever just given up and said, "It's no use. She's never going to be any different"?
The truth is, we all have a hard time changing. Try as we may, we can't change ourselves in any signi?cant way. Only God can make changes in us that last. Only His power can transform us. That's why prayer is a more tender and more certain way to see changes happen in your wife.

For example, does your wife always run late, while you like to be on time? She's probably not doing it on purpose. She may either be a poor judge of time or else she is trying to do too much. Pray that God will help her to organize things better or not take on more than she can handle, or that she will gain a clearer concept of time. Above all, don't let anger, harshness, or demeaning attitudes creep in. Criticism intended to make your wife change doesn't work. It will never give you the results you want. The only thing that works is prayer.

So rather than be impatient with your wife's weaknesses, ask God to give you a tender heart so you can pray for her about them. Ask Him to show you how they are a complement to your strengths. And remember that, though the ways you and your wife are the same can unite you, the ways you are different can keep things interesting.

5. Be Courteous
Do you ever talk to your wife in a way that would be considered rude if you were speaking to a friend or business associate? Are you kind to everyone all day at work, but then you take out your frustration, exhaustion, and anger on your wife when you get home? Do you ever allow criticism of your wife to come out of your mouth in front of other people? If so, as a sister in the Lord who deeply cares about both you and your wife, allow me to give you your ?rst serious assignment in this book:

STOP THAT!
Marriage is hard enough without one of the parties being rude, cruel, or inconsiderate. Nothing makes a marriage feel more like hell on earth. Nothing is more upsetting, defeating, tormenting, suffocating, or emotion-provoking, nothing does more to bring out the worst in us, than a marriage where one of the partners is lacking in common courtesy. I have heard of more marriages dissolving because the wife had been treated rudely for so long that she felt herself becoming resentful, angry, bitter, and hopeless. In other words, she was turning into the kind of person she never wanted to be. We have to care enough about our mates to stop doing things that hurt or upset them.

There is nothing more wonderful than the male voice. It is strong and deep and rich. And the sound of male voices singing together is one of the most beautiful sounds on earth. But the male voice can also be terrifying, especially to women and children. Most men have no idea about the power of their voice. When a man speaks, his words have the power to create and the power to destroy. His words can be like a sharp knife that wounds and kills, or a soothing balm that heals and brings life.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk honestly and openly with your wife about the issues in your lives. By all means, put your thoughts and feelings on the table. But don't let your words turn into weapons of criticism that destroy what you want to preserve. Even when we don't mean to, our impatience or exhaustion can make our words seem less than courteous. Remember that "the kingdom of God is not in word but in power" (1 Corinthians 4:20). It's not the words you speak, it's the power of God behind them that will make the difference. Praying ?rst, before you talk about a sensitive subject, will give your words power and ensure that you speak them from a right heart.

Your wife was created as a gift from God to complete you. "Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man" (1 Corinthians 11:9). But she must be treated as the gift from God that she is, in order for that complete blessing to happen in your life. Your wife will prove to be your greatest asset if you value and honor her. The Bible tells us that "whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight" (1 John 3:22). Pray for God to help you speak to your wife in a courteous way that is pleasing in His sight, and to convict your heart when you do not.

Praying about these ?ve simple biblical directives will transform your life and your marriage. And no matter how great your marriage is, God wants it to be better. Since God tells us to "be transformed," that must mean there is always room for improvement (Romans 12:2). Therefore it stands to reason that, as we improve individually, our marriages will also improve. Next to your love for her, the greatest gift you can give your wife is your own wholeness. Her most fervent desire for you is that you become the man God created you to be. It must be your desire also. God has given you strength, brilliance, power, authority, and the wonderful and admirable traits that come with being a man. Ask God to help you use them well and to His glory. Ask God to make you everything He created you to be so you and your wife will always be a winning team.

Published March 5, 2009
Adapted from The Power of a Praying Husband
Stormie Omartian is the bestselling author of The Power of a Praying(r) series (more than 11 million copies sold worldwide), which includes The Power of a Praying(r) Wife, Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On, The Prayer That Changes Everything(r), and The Power of a Praying(r) Woman Bible. Stormie and her husband, Michael, have been married more than 35 years and have three grown children. www.stormieomartian.com

Why Aren’t Christians Smarter?

2009-02-20T10:07:00.001+08:00

Andrew Tallman

"The Andrew Tallman Show," KPXQ-Phoenix

Have you ever wondered why Christians aren't smarter? I mean, we have the only true religion, we have a Book which is responsible for all of Western Civilization, and we serve a God who can safely call Himself the supreme champion at every trivia contest. So why aren't we smarter? Well, the reasons are many, but the goal of changing that condition is the driving passion of my life. Having taught college philosophy, my background is in equipping people to think better, and I used to think that talent was best used in the secular world. Three years ago, however, I was persuaded by some good counsel to turn my attention toward the Body of Christ, and that's why I came to Phoenix to do my radio show weekdays from 5 to 7 p.m. on AM 1360 KPXQ.

Not thinking well is a sin.

God commands us very simply: Love Him with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind. Catch that last part … with all our mind. This means thinking is not optional for the Christian. Thinking, and thinking well, is a form of worship of God which is nothing short of obedience to His primary command. Hence, if we do not "use the brain God gave you," (my mom's favorite rhetorical chastisement), we are sinning.

Not thinking well is a scandal.

The most pervasive myth about Christianity is that it is incompatible with intelligence.

This is what I believed before I became one, and it made me not want to be one. I say it is a myth both because nothing demands more thinking capacity than being a faithful Christian and also because our history is rich with intellectual giants.

Nonetheless, Christianity has a reputation as a religion for fools, and this is at least partially our own fault. By offering empty platitudes such as, "Well, you have to have faith," when challenged with difficult questions, outsiders can be forgiven for forming the impression that what we really mean is, "Well, you have to be stupid." This puts people in the painful situation of feeling like they have to choose between their mind and God. Also, it makes Christianity offensive to the smartest people in society, who tend to be culture's greatest influencers. Thus, simply showing non-Christians that one can be both smart and faithful is a powerful form of evangelism.

Fishers not just fish-eaters.

"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime." Simple. Obvious. But, all too often, it's not the guiding principle of Christian education.

Christians can be so concerned about having the right answers (good doctrine), that we fail to teach people the thinking skills and patterns which would lead them to these and other true conclusions. They may have the unreliable dogmatism which comes from mere repetition, but they lack the true confidence which comes from deep and honest examination of an idea. Sadly, it also means they do not have the ability to discover new answers for themselves in novel situations.

On my radio show, I deliberately do not provide people many answers because I am more interested in helping people learn how to think than I am in telling them what to think. My confidence is high that such ability will ultimately get them to the right place, and it will be a place of true security as well.

Disciples, not an audience.

Jesus mentored His disciples. He interacted with them. He answered their questions. He joked with them. And He corrected them. He didn't lecture them. He lectured the masses. And I think the reason is simple. A lecture is not the ideal form of education.

The reasons are many. If a listener doesn't like what is being said, he can simply ignore it. If he doesn't understand or if he disagrees, he cannot easily inquire of the speaker. Because such questions go unanswered, other people miss out on having these questions answered. When the teacher fields questions, he replaces his own assumptions about his audience with real knowledge and can more accurately tune his teaching to the real needs they have.

Finally, I believe in collaboration rather than solo performances. Although I think I have many reliable insights worth saying, I'd rather talk with people and work together toward truth instead of just trusting in my own ideas too much. So my show is built around discussion rather than presentation. I am working with my listeners to fashion a product together rather than simply distributing to them a prefabricated one.

Haggling, not purchasing.

In the Mediterranean culture of the Bible, haggling was a way of life—and such negotiations provide a great way of coming to know someone. The process of haggling gains both friends and sharper minds. We are often baffled by this when we travel to that part of the world because Americans are so transaction oriented. "I agree," "I disagree," "I will buy," or "I will not buy." We are very comfortable with these types of shallow interactions. In the Mediterranean, the sellers understand that the product is insignificant compared with the relationship its sale can create.

In contrast, I think Americans are too concerned with conclusions instead of relationships. Thus, the key in my show is to find stimulating topics which cause people to want to talk with each other and build friendships. Whether we agree is not so much the issue, but whether we are able to love each other while we disagree and talk about it. That matters.

In conclusion

I was concerned when I took this job—concerned that my fellow Christians wouldn't endure me because they wanted their own ideas reinforced rather than examined and challenged. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered vast numbers of Christians who were excited about the prospect of being made to think, even if they didn't always agree with me. And so my audience and I have created an environment where we love each other not because we agree all the time, but because we enjoy the experience of talking it over together. Every day we collaborate to show that theology, like a good relationship, is not something to be purchased or rejected, but something to be enjoyed … together.

Andrew Tallman is the host of The Andrew Tallman Show and a columnist. Andrew's show is heard daily on KPXQ in Phoenix. Contact him at andrewtallman@kpxq1360.com. This commentary originally posted on January 8, 2008.

Let Go of Your Burdens

2009-02-06T10:09:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler/Crosswalk

The following is a report on the practical applications of Sheila Walsh's new book, Let Go: Live Free of the Burdens All Women Know, (Thomas Nelson, 2008).

God stands ready to deliver you from whatever burdens you're carrying – from health struggles to financial problems. But unlike the sudden rescue you may be hoping for, your deliverance may come in the form of a process instead. Yes, God could intervene just once and remove your problems. Often, though, He chooses to walk beside you as you carry your burdens, helping you gradually learn to trust Him enough to give them over to Him.

Here's how you can let go of your burdens:

Be open to any outcome. Rather than trying to convince God to answer your prayers in a certain way, tell God that you trust Him to do what's best. You can't know what your deliverance will look like or when it will come, but God does. Imagine Jesus hanging on the cross, and yourself approaching Him while carrying your burdens. Then, in prayer, leave those burdens at the foot of the cross for Him to handle.

Eat fresh-baked grace every day. God will give you fresh grace for each day that will strengthen you to overcome whatever challenges you face. Pray for His grace each morning. Remember these graceful truths: God loves you as you are right at this moment; He knows all about you and loves you anyway; He forgives you even when you can't forgive yourself; and there is nothing you can do to make God love you any more or less than He already does.

Break free of judging. Stop judging other people, and don't let other people's judgment of you make you feel condemned. Instead, embrace the grace that God so freely offers to you, and extend grace to others. Ask God to heal your heart from legalism and shame. Enjoy the freedom that God's grace makes possible in your life.

Give up what should have been for what is and what can be. Don't be so preoccupied with regretting your past that you can't fully live in the present or move into the future with confidence. Pursue healing for your pain from the past. Ask God to help you change negative habits into positive ones. Pray for the discernment you need to identify evil lies and reject them in Jesus' name. Ask God to redeem your scars from past wounds for the sake of His kingdom.

Look at reality. Let go of what you wish was true and accept what actually is true about your life right now. Hold onto the reality that God is with you in the middle of your circumstances. Ask Him to help you become more aware of His presence and notice His work in your life, even though all is not as you'd like it to be right now.

Forgive others. Get rid of bitterness that poisons your soul by forgiving people who have hurt you in the past. Rely on God's help to go through the process; you can count on Him to empower you. Let your gratitude for all that God has forgiven you for motivate you to obey His command to forgive other people. Renounce your right to get even with those who have hurt you and choose to forgive, no matter how you feel. Trust God to heal you as He helps you forgive.

Forgive yourself. Confess your sins regularly, repent of them by turning away from them and toward God, and accept the forgiveness God offers you as a result. Whenever you remember your sins after that, view them simply as reminders of God's grace and mercy to you.

Resist temptation. Ask God to help you avoid going down easier paths than the ones that will truly honor Him. Realize that giving into temptation will harm you and cause you to lose the opportunity to invite God to work for a greater good in your life. Be alert to the specific areas in which you're the most vulnerable to temptation, and guard against temptation especially in those areas of your life. Surrender every part of your life to God and ask Him to help you grow stronger and more spiritually mature. Whenever something that you want conflicts with God's will for you, be willing to choose God's will instead of your own.

Overcome fear. You never need to fear anything, because God has your best interests at heart. Make God your absolute top priority by placing Him at the center of your life and basing all your decisions on your relationship with Him. Get to know God's Word well through frequent Bible reading, reflection, and study. Whenever you encounter evil lies that will trap you in fear if you believe them, counter them with biblical truth that will lead to freedom. Ask the Holy Spirit to renew your mind every day and help direct your thought process.

Break free of shame. The purpose of guilt is to bring you to God to deal with your sins. Once you've done that – through confession and repentance – you don't need to feel ashamed anymore. Identify moments in your life when you've felt shame and what you told yourself as a result. Then pray for God to heal your soul from the damage that shame has caused. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you – a valuable person worth of great love. Thank Jesus that He actually became shame as He died on the cross for the world's sins, so that He could offer you true freedom from shame once and for all.

Discover your purpose. No matter how inadequate you may feel or how disappointed you may be with your circumstances, nothing about your life is an accident. Look beyond what you can see to God and ask Him to show you His purposes for your life. Pray for the ability to see the great value in your life and to love your life as God loves it. Ask God to help you fulfill your potential in every part of your life. Know that you are chosen and loved. Your life matters. Embrace God's call, despite difficult circumstances, and follow wherever He leads you so you don't waste any of your great potential here on earth.

Trust more deeply. Whenever you need to risk trusting God more, remember who it is that you're called to trust: the One who created you, the Source of all love and power, and the One who wants the best for you. Be willing to follow Him step by step.

Enjoy God's love. Embrace God's limitless love for you, and let His love compel you to let go of whatever burdens you're holding onto so you can hold on only to God. Stop trying to find in others what can only be found in your relationship with God. Every day, ask God to give you a fresh revelation of His love for you, and thank Him for it.

See yourself as God sees you. Write a list of all the negative things you can remember people saying about you in the past – things that made you feel bad about yourself. Then pray over the list, asking God to heal your hurt and forgive those who hurt you. Tear up the list or burn it afterward. Ask God to help you view yourself accurately – from His perspective.

Embrace the hope God offers you. You are never too far away for God to reach, and your life is never broken beyond repair. Even when you've wandered away from God or felt abandoned, God had still been present with you. The very cells that hold your body together are in the shape of a cross. Reflect on that fact and let it lead you to the real hope God offers you because of Jesus' death on a cross. No matter how hopeless your current circumstances may seem, you always have hope because of your relationship with God through Jesus. Trusting in that hope will bring you the ultimate deliverance. Tear down strongholds of evil's influence in your life, invite the Holy Spirit to direct your thoughts, and make a habit of responding to God's hope by living faithfully for Him each day.

Sheila Walsh, a successful speaker, is author of the award-winning Gigi, God's Little Princess series, and other books such as The Heartache No One Sees, and Get off Your Knees & Pray. Sheila lives in Frisco, Texas, with her husband, Barry, and son, Christian.

Lessons in Contentment

2009-02-03T15:59:00.001+08:00

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

Here are four steps to develop contentment in your life.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. When you compare your life with someone else's, the only place it can lead is toward discontentment. There will always be people who appear to be better off than you, but you don't know their real circumstances.

I recall counseling a husband many years ago, and he said he wished his wife could be more like so-and-so, and he named a woman in our congregation. What he didn't know is that the woman was a functioning alcoholic causing incredible heartache and stress for her family and for her husband.

That's why the Bible teaches it is unwise to compare (2 Corinthians 10:12).

2. Be grateful for who you are and what you have. Learning to be content requires that you stop any "when and then" thinking – "When I am ___________, then I'll be happy." (You fill in the blank.)

The reason we fall into this trap is that we may actually be content for a little while but it won't last. But, more than likely, someone else or something else will come along and drain the contentment from your life.

But listen, you are unique. God created you to be like nobody else, so why would you want to be anyone else. God is perfect, and you were his perfect choice to be you. Understanding that is a huge step toward being content with your life.

And then look at all the things God has given you. So often we allow what we don't have to so dominate our focus that we forget the many wonderful things we already have, not only material blessing, but far more important things, such as family and friends.

3. Give yourself to others. If you will begin giving yourself to others, sharing what things you do have, sharing your time and your talents, you will find yourself learning to be content. Helping others will give you an appreciation for what you have and who you are, but more importantly, you will find yourself growing content. Why? Because God designed us to serve and share with others, and until we do that, we will feel great discontent.

4. Focus on things with eternal value. The real secret to becoming content is to focus on the things that have eternal value. It may be a familiar teaching to you, but Jesus said we should store up our treasures in heaven, and not on earth "where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV).

Think about the things in your life: What will last forever? What will last at least for your lifetime? What will last a few short years, or months, or days? Based on eternal value, what things are most important in your life? Where – and with whom – should you put your most time and energy?

By re-organizing your life around eternal priorities, you'll find yourself growing in contentment as you live according to God's design and purpose.

How to Be Thankful in Tough Times

2009-02-03T15:58:00.001+08:00

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

*** *** *** ***
1. Don't worry about anything. Worrying doesn't change anything. It's stewing without doing. There's no such thing as born worriers; worry is a learned response. You learned it from your parents. You learned it from your peers. You learned it from experience. That's good news. The fact that worry is learned means it can also be unlearned. Jesus says, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" (Matthew 6:34 NLT).

2. Pray about everything. Use the time you've spent worrying for praying. If you prayed as much as you worried, you'd have a whole lot less to worry about. Some people think God only cares about religious things, such as how many people I invite to church or my tithing. Is God interested in car payments? Yes. He's interested in every detail of your life. That means you can take any problem you face to God.

3. Thank God in all things. Whenever you pray, you should always pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love, but gratitude. It actually increases your immunities; it makes you more resistant to stress and less susceptible to illness. People who are grateful are happy. But people who are ungrateful are miserable because nothing makes them happy. They're never satisfied; it's never good enough. So if you cultivate the attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, it reduces stress in your life.

4. Think about the right things. If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think. The way you think determines how you feel, and the way you feel determines how you act. So if you want to change your life, you need to change what you're thinking about.

This involves a deliberate, conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things: focus on the positive and on God's Word. Why? Because the root cause of stress is the way you choose to think.

When we no longer worry, when we pray about everything, when we give thanks, when we focus on the right things, the apostle Paul tells us the result is, "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

What a guarantee! He is guaranteeing peace of mind.

God Has a Mission for Your Family

2009-01-29T12:43:00.001+08:00

Crosswalk/ Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Ann Dunagan's book, The Mission-Minded Family: Releasing Your Family to God's Destiny, (Authentic Books, 2007).

God's call to reach lost people with the Gospel is for all believers – adults and children alike. Your whole family can go on a lifelong mission together to share the hope found only in Christ. Answering God's call to focus your family outward can bless each of you as you all bless others.

Here's how you can pursue mission work as a family:

View your family as a vehicle for ministry. Your family isn't an obstacle to missions ministry work, and you don't have to neglect your family to pursue ministry. Your family can actually become stronger as all of your family members devote themselves as a team to serving others outside your family. Your family and missions work are compatible and mutually supportive of God's purposes. Your family can play a valuable role in helping to expand God's kingdom!

Seek God's plans rather than your own. Instead of asking God to bless your plans for your family, pray for God to show you His plans for your family. Then base your decisions on God's plans.

Release your kids. Let go of your own agendas for each of your kids' lives and be willing to accept whatever God wants for them, trusting that He knows what's best for them. Help your kids discover God's purposes for their lives, and encourage them to fulfill those purposes – no matter where God may take them in the process. Just as God released His Son for you, you need to release your kids daily to pursue His eternal purposes.

Focus on eternity. Rather than focusing on what you can accomplish in this world, focus on what you can accomplish that has eternal value. Be most concerned about pleasing God and preparing for the moment when you'll meet Him in heaven.

Live in submission. Submit yourself completely to God and His purposes for your lives. Trust and obey His guidance in every area of your lives – spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.

Strategically aim your family in the right direction. Get to know the specific spiritual gifts and natural talents of every member of your family. Then ask questions to help discover God's direction for your family as a team. Consider such questions as: "Is your family called to hospitality?", "Is your family called to active leadership within your local church?", "Is your family called to specifically impact your neighborhood?", and "Taking into account your family's specific gifts, abilities, and resources, what are ways you can participate in God's Great Commission?". As your kids grow, pay attention to how they're developing spiritually, mentally, and physically. Challenge them to take risks to try serving in new ways whenever you sense they're ready to do so.

Pay attention to life's rhythms. Alternate between work, rest, and play so your family won't be stressed by an unhealthy lifestyle. Devote your time and energy to various activities whenever God leads you to do so, and your family will achieve a healthy balance appropriate for different seasons of your life together. Check in with God about your schedule daily, since He sees the whole picture and can guide you to what's best for all concerned.

Intercede effectively for people in prayer. Pray regularly as a family for God's purposes to be released and fulfilled on earth. Acknowledge your sin and the fact that you can stand before God as a righteous person only because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross for you. Come to God with an attitude of total surrender and humility, keeping your heart clean and open before Him. Avoid broad, general, and vague requests. Instead, make your prayers specific, knowledgeable, and on target. Learn as much information as you can about the people or situations about which you're praying. Search the Bible for God's will and seek His direction on how best to pray. Make your prayers fervent and intense. Pray for lost people as if they're depending on your prayers and you're the only one praying for them. Create a prayer list your family can use together, to pray for individuals (like unsaved loved ones, and government leaders), ministries/organizations (like your church and school), and geographic areas (like your city and other nations). Use a two-fold strategy for intercession: First, come against evil and its influence on the people or situations for which you're praying. Then, pray for God's power to flow to accomplish the work He wants done. Whenever you sense God calling you to intercede in on an emergency basis, be willing to stop and pray right then and keep praying hard until the burden leaves and you get a sense of peace.

Use international holidays to help your family pray. Study the many different holidays throughout the world and the traditions around them. Then use specific days of the year to target different groups of people for prayer.

Manage your money to support missions well. Teach your kids the reality that all of your family's money – just like your time and talents – ultimately belongs to God. Allow the Holy Spirit to challenge every aspect of your lifestyle so you can make wise financial decisions for your family. Give generously to support full-time missionaries you know, and hold creative fundraisers to help earn more money for missions. If you and your family decide to become full-time missionaries yourselves, trust God for the financial provision you'll need.

Prepare and share testimonies. Encourage each family member to write down his or her own story of coming to faith in Christ and share it with other people effectively.

Plan creative outreach events. Think and pray about some innovative ways to gather people together to hear the Gospel. Have your kids reach other kids and plan some fun events for them.

Make use of your family's skills. The ways God can use you in ministry work are as diverse as the talents He has given you and the skills each of your family members possess. Try to connect each of your family's skills to some ministry work. If you've got computer skills, conduct training seminars or teach full-time missionaries how to use a new software program. If you can build well, take a missions trip and help construct a new church or orphanage. If you've got teaching skills, hold some workshops.

Release your family to God's destiny. Every day, renew your commitment to fulfill God's purposes in your lives. Work together the best you can, relying on God's strength, and look forward to the new adventures He has in store for you each day.

Published January 9, 2009.

Adapted from The Mission-Minded Family: Releasing Your Family to God's Destiny, copyright 2007 by Ann Dunagan. Published by Authentic Books, a division of STL US, Colorado Springs, Co., http://www.authenticbooks.com/.

Ann Dunagan is a homeschooling mother of seven and an international minister alongside her husband, Jon Dunagan. In 1986, Jon & Ann Dunagan founded Harvest Ministry. Ann has personally ministered in more than 25 countries throughout the world and she enjoys teaching children, speaking to women, and encouraging parents and teachers. The Dunagan family is based in Hood River, Oregon.

Loving Your Spouse's God-Given Personality

2009-01-29T12:42:00.001+08:00

Joe Beam,Founder, LovePath International

resource: from CWalk

Over the last few days I've witnessed the same marital phenomena on four occasions. In each situation the wife and the husband had very different personalities. Of course, there's nothing unusual about that in it of itself. While roughly 80% of people in the USA marry someone who is similar to them in ethnicity, age (within 5 years), physical attractiveness, socio-economic status, and values, a large number of people marry someone dissimilar to themselves in personality or temperament. Theoretically, by marrying someone of similar background we accomplish a degree of familiarity that gives us comfort, but by marrying someone different in personality we "balance" ourselves in some ways.

So, it's not unusual to see that mates are very different while being very much alike. In my business I try to notice both similarities and differences, but I especially pay attention to the differences. The simplest method for evaluating differences (there are many, as you might imagine) is by evaluating two aspects of behavior:

1. Does the person tend to process before acting or act before processing?

2. Does the person seem reserved and a little more difficult to get to know or does s/he seem open, affable, and easy to get to know?

This methodology has existed from roughly 300 B.C. so it's nothing new or novel. It does, however, work rather well in most cases. With those four criteria we can derive four basic temperaments. I call them: Commander, Communicator, Completer, and Calculator.

It would take many more pages than I have here to describe these temperaments and interactions. But let me address one small but important matter. It has to do with a common marital pairing: The Commander and the Completer.

The Commander tends to be a competitive person who is bottom-line-driven with a direct, let's-fix-it-now approach to life and a strong ego.

The Completer tends to be a laid-back person who likes to think things through before acting, avoid conflict when possible and can be described as family-oriented, traditional, and loyal. You likely already see that these two temperaments paired together can lead to some unhappy situations.

Commanders will take risks. Completers hate risk and want security. Commanders want to fix things now, directly and bluntly. Completers want to leave it alone for a while and, if forced into conflict they aren't ready for, will often resort to passive/aggressive behavior.

This pairing can bring about many problems when the husband is the Commander and the wife is the Completer. But, in all four situations I witnessed recently, the problems were exacerbated because the wife was the Commander and the husband was the Completer. She wanted to address things immediately, communicate her thoughts bluntly, and force her husband to solve everything right now which in her estimation could be done if he would just do what she asked. He, on the other hand, wanted to stay very calm, think things through for a while and in some cases ignore the problem long enough for it to take care of itself.

In these situations the Commander gets frustrated and perhaps even feels vulnerable because her Completer won't stand up in face-to-face combat to resolve matters. In turn, the Completer feels disrespected, badly treated, and walked on. Usually, the Commander gets more forceful and strident as a problem remains unresolved while the Completer gets quieter and more reserved as he starts building a wall to protect himself from the Commander's intensity. Sound familiar?

Why is this interaction between husband and wife particularly problematic when the husband is the Completer and the wife the Commander? I'm not familiar with all the cultures in the world, but I've lived long enough in this country to understand ours. Americans tend to react negatively to strong, intense women because our culture expects the man to be the leader and the woman to be the follower. Yes, that is changing but it's still true in many situations. And Biblically-speaking, husbands are indeed called to be the spiritual heads of the family.

So, as much as it hurts for either partner to be forceful toward the one who doesn't share the same forceful temperament, it seems to be much more painful if it is the husband experiencing force from his wife. Culturally, even religiously, he sees himself as the leader and feels somewhat emasculated if he perceives she is usurping his responsibility.

In each situation, I experienced great difficulty counseling the wife to stop degrading her husband through verbal attacks, countenance, and tone of voice. It appeared that at least in these four cases, each wife had lost respect for her husband because he wouldn't stand up to her strong personality and deal bluntly and directly with their problems. When I tried to explain that this forceful approach didn't fit his temperament, she replied that it should.

Does this mean that these Commander wives are insensitive? Well, it depends. Commanders can be insensitive to the effect their words have on others but extremely sensitive to anything said in reply and are prone to anger.

Does this sound like woman bashing? I hope not because that's not my goal. It usually takes two to create marital discord. And I've seen some of the very same problems with Commander husbands and Completer wives. It just seems that when the roles are reversed, the problems often intensify.

So what does a couple in this situation do to become happy? While no one can fix marital discord in one, brief article here are some basic truths that apply to all couples when dealing with their differences:

1. Understand your own temperament and the temperament of your spouse.

2. Understand what not to do when communicating with your spouse.

3. Understand what to do when communicating with your spouse.

4. Learn and use a system of compromise that leads each of you to receive what makes you happy.

5. Follow through on this new understanding and methodology for the rest of your life.

If these truths are properly understood and applied, couples typically won't end up in therapy or counseling. Often, all it takes is some careful study of your spouse to figure out what works best. And those who do find themselves in counseling can rectify their problems through an educational process. I know. I've seen it work repeatedly over the last decade.

The bottom line: It's important to realize why your spouse reacts the way s/he does in certain situations. Is she feeling attacked? Is he? Is he feeling disrespected? Is she feeling unheard? Is one feeling overwhelmed with details and just wants the bottom line?

When we put ourselves in the place of the other in an attempt to understand, we often will find the best way to interact and negotiate so that feelings aren't hurt and misunderstandings don't take place. So strive to know why your spouse reacts in certain ways to what you say so that you can communicate in new ways that show respect, love and kindness.

Not only is it a more effective way to communicate, it is a more Christ-like way to communicate.

"...live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5: 2

Read about more about the four temperemants in Joe's new book Your LovePath (to be released in Jan. '09).

Joe Beam is a best selling author and an internationally known marriage expert. He founded LovePath International, an organization that works to save marriage relationships from separation, divorce and relationship problems. If your marriage needs help, please visit http://www.lovepathinternational.com.

"Find Rest for your family" ( with 1 Question survey :) please respond

2009-01-27T10:21:00.001+08:00

Read the article and see which problem areas you may have.

Afterwards, we invite you to respond to the 1 Question survey (no names needed, just answers) found on this link:

http://www.my3q.com/go.php?url=helpmeets/21678

-------------------

The following is a report on the practical applications of Tim Kimmel's book, Little House on the Freeway: Help for the Hurried Home, (Multnomah Books, 2008).

source: Crosswalk

How fast is your family running through life? If you always seem to be in a hurry and struggling to keep up with your activities, it's time to slow down. That's easier said than done, though.

Real rest can only be found in Jesus, through the peace that He alone can give you and your family. Here's how you can find the rest you need:

Diagnose the problems. Figure out what kind of hurriedness is afflicting your home. Is your family so busy that you all can't relax? Are you uncomfortable with quiet? Are you seldom satisfied with what you have? Do you live according to shifting moral standards -- sometimes going against your convictions when it's more convenient to do so? Are you overworked and underappreciated? Do you worry about things you can't control? Are you only happy when you're successful according to how the world defines success? Do you often doubt God's power, grace, or sufficiency? Are you discontent? Do you lack genuinely intimate relationships? Do you have a tendency to try to control your life?

Look internally, not externally. It's unrealistic to expect that the external stresses in your life will just magically go away. But you can experience real rest inside your soul no matter what kind of stressful circumstances you're going through in your life. Realize that rest is a choice make in any situation. Ask God to help you learn how to be calm even in the middle of a storm. Remember that He loves you, made you with a purpose, and guarantees you hope. Let those realities sink into your soul and give you peace.

Forgive. Your soul can't truly rest until you forgive as God calls you to forgive. Take an inventory of the people in your life to determine who you may still need to forgive for hurting you in the past. Then rely on the help God promises to forgive each of them. Once you give others the gift of forgiveness, you get a valuable gift in return: rest for your soul.

Live within the limits. Choose to live within the limits of biblical standards that God has created for people's protection from harm. The more you live by what the Bible says, the less you'll struggle with fear and regrets, and the more rest you'll enjoy. Whenever you experience guilt, consider honestly if it's alerting you to sin in your life. If so, be quick to confess the sin and repent, turning away from the sin and toward God. Every day, do your best to align your actions with your beliefs. Make sure that what you say you believe is what you're actually doing, consistently. Give every part of your life -- your work, relationships, etc. -- to God, without holding anything back. When every aspect of your lifestyle reflects faithful living, you can experience genuine rest.

Look at life with an eternal perspective. Ask God to give you His perspective on your life so you won't waste time or energy on pursuits that don't really matter. Recognize that people are more important than personal gain. Invest in relationships first and foremost, since love is eternal. Never sacrifice what's permanent on the altar of what's immediate. Don't let each day's urgent issues that come up distract you from pursuing what's most important. Instead of fearing death, accept it as an inevitable part of your future, and prepare for it by making the most of every day God gives you on earth. Rather than trying to avoid aging, learn all you can as you grow more mature. Keep in mind that time will move forward quickly for you no matter how well you do or don't use it. Every day, thank God for the gift of the time He has given you, and do your best to invest it well.

Serve while you're suffering. Whenever you're suffering in some way, your relief may come not from the problem suddenly disappearing, but from the strength you develop from serving in spite of it. Instead of just waiting for the problem to go away, decide to serve others while you're dealing with the problem, and God will give you rest in the process. When you accept what you can't change and choose to serve anyway, you'll be transformed as you serve into a stronger and more peaceful person.

Manage your expectations well. Live to please God, not other people. The more you measure your significance by other people's expectations of you or by how well you think you compare to their accomplishments and possessions, the less rest you'll experience in your life. Discipline your desires by pursuing legitimate goals and making the most of your current circumstances. Ask God to help you develop priorities that will sustain you well and give you peace both now and in the future.

Steward your strengths well. Discover your God-given talents and spiritual gifts, develop them, and use them to the fullest. When you're a good steward of the strengths God has given you, you'll feel calm inside and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you're contributing well to the world. Read and study the Bible often so its principles will soak into your soul and you can consistently make the best choices about how to use your talents and gifts. Aim to use your time well, too, investing it generously into what has eternal significance.

Balance technology with the rest of your life. Use technology for your benefit rather than allowing it to overtake your life. Pray for the discernment to know when to check your e-mail or listen to your IPod, and when to log off and turn off so you can interact with other people face to face. Choose carefully which sites you visit on the Internet and which TV shows and other media you watch; make sure you only spend time on what's worthwhile. Give yourself adequate time for quiet reflection each day.

Bring rest to your marriage. No matter what pressures or uncertainties you and your spouse are currently dealing with, you both can enjoy a restful relationship if you remained committed to each other's needs and best interests regardless of the cost. Every day, pray for God to help you express unconditional love to each other. Learn how to use your differences to complement each other and enrich the life you share together.

Give your kids the gift of rest. You can pass on an heritage of rest to your kids if you make it a high priority to invest in their lives. Deliberately make choices every day to spend as much time as possible with your children. Be willing to make sacrifices in other areas of your life -- like your career and volunteer work -- in order to be there for your kids as often as you can. Do all you can to help meet their inner needs for secure love, significant purpose, and strong hope. Raise them in an environment designed to produce a sense of calm confidence that will prepare them well for adulthood. Give them rest for their bodies by making sure they eat a nutritious diet and get enough sleep every day. Give them rest for their emotions by giving them plenty of affection (meaningful touch and affirming words), teaching them to express their emotions in healthy ways, and helping them learn to base their decisions on unchanging biblical truth rather than on their changing emotions. Give them rest for their minds by helping them use their creativity to overcome restlessness and solve problems.

Instead of isolating your kids from exposure to different value systems, teach them the critical thinking skills they need to make their own decisions about values, which will ultimately help them make their faith their own. Give them spiritual rest by letting them know that they are deeply loved by a personal God. Help them rest in the eternal security found in a personal relationship with Jesus. Pray with them and for them, help them read the Bible, and participate in church together. Give them grace, just as God gives grace to you.

Bring rest to your work. Pray for the courage you need to reject the world's view of success and focus on efforts that are significant from God's perspective. Never pursue success as a goal in itself. Instead, expect it to come sometimes as a natural outcome from working hard and being fair. Ask God help you be satisfied with your current lifestyle instead of constantly trying to consume more, which will rob you of the rest that's more valuable than anything you could buy. Live on a budget. Get out of debt and stay out. Observe a weekly Sabbath day of rest. If your current work schedule is too stressful, have the courage to cut back to find get the rest you need. Choose time over money when you have the choice to make.

Bring rest to your relationships. Healthy relationships will help give you a restful life. Surround yourself with good friends who will support you and hold you accountable. Aim to be the best friend you can be to others -- someone who is loyal, honest, and sensitive. Find a good church -- a place that focuses on Jesus, respects the Bible's authority, helps people develop healthy family lives, and functions through the power of God's grace.

Adapted from Little House on the Freeway: Help for the Hurried Home, copyright 2008, 1994, and 1987 by Tim Kimmel, Ph.D. Published by Multnomah Books, a division of Random House, Inc., Colorado Springs, Co., http://www.mpbooks.com/.

Dr. Tim Kimmel is the Executive Director of Family Matters® whose goal is to equip families for every age and stage of life. A national speaker with organizations that include Promise Keepers and Focus on the Family, Tim has shared his message with millions of people. He is the author of several books, including Raising Kids for True Greatness and Grace-Based Parenting. All together, there are more than 800,000 books in print. Tim and his wife live in Scottsdale, Arizona.

10 Ways to Tell You're Slipping

2009-01-26T01:14:00.001+08:00

Joe McKeever

source:CrosswAlk

It's surprising how God's people awaken one day and suddenly realize they have fallen away from the closeness they used to enjoy with the Lord. The signs have been there all along, but they were not paying attention.

Here are some tests I have discovered for spotting signs of slippage in my own walk with the Lord, evidence that I'm losing the intimacy with Him that always meant so much in my personal life.

10. You know you're slipping when the big thing you look forward to on a Sunday is a football game.

9. You know you're slipping when reading the Bible no longer excites you, angers you, or challenges you.

8. You know you're slipping when you finally get up off the couch and get involved in some ministry the Lord has been laying on your heart and the first thing you do is start criticizing all the other couch potatoes who are only doing the same thing you have been doing all this time.

7. You know you're slipping when, after slacking off in your tithing over the past year, instead of feeling guilty, you find yourself criticizing the regular tithers for their self-righteous and legalistic attitudes.

6. You know you're slipping when you can read the Ten Commandments and give yourself a passing grade on all of them.

5. You know you're slipping when you can go a whole day without praying and it not bother you one bit.

4. You know you're slipping when you can have a dirty thought and justify it as "what normal humans do."

3. You know you're slipping when you feel a nudging from the Holy Spirit to speak to that person or give to this one or make a phone call to another and you squelch it.

2. You know you're slipping when you decide to reward yourself for doing well by skipping your Bible reading and prayer for that day.

1. You know you're really, really slipping when the problem of slipping doesn't cause you great concern.

Dr. Joe McKeever is a Preacher, Cartoonist, and the Director of Missions for the Baptist Association of Greater New Orleans.

What Drains Your Energies? (MUST READ :) )

2009-01-26T01:13:00.001+08:00

Joe McKeever

source: Cwalk

Rebellious children sap the energies of parents, leaving them with no will, no time, and no strength for outside interests or ministries. The question before the class today, students, is: "What depletes your energies for God?"

As usual, I'll get us started. At the end, leave your own contributions to the list. Our hope is that someone will see himself in this and learn that a certain practice has been robbing them of their service to the Lord and will return to the Father. Luke 15:18 comes to mind. "I will arise and go to my Father."

Here are my top ten energy-depleters:

10. Compromise.

You're doing something displeasing to the Lord and you know it. The guilt lingers and weighs you down. When you try to read your Bible, pray, or worship, the fog is so thick you could cut it. God seems far away, and you know without being told it's because you moved. You're being torn down the middle and it's a miserable feeling.

Isaiah 59:1-2 comes to mind. "Your sins have separated you." Confess them and move back closer.

9. Nay-sayers.

The discouragers around you are constantly pointing out that you cannot do this, you are not the Christian you ought to be, the Bible cannot be understood, your prayers never go beyond the ceiling, and your pitiful offering amounts to nothing. To make matters worse, sometimes that negative voice hounding us is our own. You lose heart and want to give up.

Psalm 103:1-5 comes to mind. "Bless the Lord, O my soul." Speak to yourself words of faith. Believe your faith and doubt your doubts.

8. Nit-pickers.

A family member, a colleague in the office, or a so-called friend has taken it as their personal calling to remind you of your failures in living up to the standards you claim. Your clothes do not match, you need a haircut, why do you waste your time on those books or that writer or that church, why aren't you exercising more, you're putting on weight, and I don't think you're right for this. Of course, he tells you this for your own good. You leave your friend's presence feeling worthless and hopeless.

Philippians 4:8 comes to mind. "Whatsoever things are true, think on these things." Choose where your mind will land and come to rest and what it will feed upon.

7. Time-wasters.

A few years ago, we would have named television as the biggest time-waster. It still is for many, but these days, the tube has lots of competition: the computer, computer games, the telephone, worthless reading materials, shopping, mall-crawling, and such. Each person has his own battlefield in this regard. But it's not just the time; the problem is that it robs you of your energy for God or doing good or relating to other people.

Luke 18:1 comes to mind. "We ought always to pray and not to lose heart." The old hymn told us to "Take Time to Be Holy." It takes time.

6. Starvation.

When you're really hungry, instead of pausing for dinner, you gulp down a soft drink and a bag of chips. Now, you have stopped the hunger but you're starving your body. A few minutes later, your wife or mother calls you to dinner. You beg off; you're not hungry. You dare not admit what you just did. That foolish scenario happens spiritually, too.

Try this experiment. After watching two hours of television--especially sitcoms of the type the networks are running these nights--get up and go get your Bible and read a couple of chapters. You'll have to make yourself do it. After a steady diet of mental junk food, you have no appetite for real nourishment.

Matthew 4:4 comes to mind. "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God." And Psalm 34:8 "O taste and see that the Lord is good." You need to feed your soul if you expect to have any energy for God.

5. Fatigue.

You're doing good work; you're just doing so much of it that you're exhausted. When tired, you get irritable and are no fun to be around. You end up having to force yourself to do your spiritual activities. It's not an admission of weakness to confess you have physical limitations, that you need 8 hours of sleep at night and maybe a little rest in the daytime and a vacation once in a while.

Mark 6:31 comes to mind. "Come ye apart and rest for a while." And Matthew 11:28-30: "Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden."

4. Depression.

You are a Christian, one who believes your Bible and has the Holy Spirit, so how could you be depressed? Ever say that to yourself? The roots of depression (mental, emotional, whatever) are many and complex. You might need to remind yourself that some of the finest Christians ever to walk the planet have battled depression. You have good company. Those believers made the same discovery you have made, that sometimes you just have to get up and go on with your day while depressed, that you don't dare give in to it. Missionary leader and inspirational writer Elisabeth Elliot has said that when she's depressed, her method for dealing with it is: "Do the next thing." She does not make a long list of tasks to accomplish that day, but does the next thing before her, then she looks around and decides what is next, and so forth.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 comes to mind. "Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines... yet I will exult in the Lord." Praise Him anyway.

3. Rebellion.

Compromise is one thing; you rationalize a sin and turn a blind eye toward a practice you know is not wise and is hindering your spiritual life. But rebellion is another matter altogether. In rebellion, you drop all pretense about wanting to do the right thing. You enthrone your self and devote your life to pleasing only you. This really gets scary when you're in the Lord's service and draw a paycheck from a church or religious organization and yet are in rebellion against the Lord. I've been there; I know. People are looking to you for spiritual direction and expecting to hear God's voice through you, but what they are receiving is shallowness and staleness, negativism and putdowns, all bubbling up from the acid eating away at your soul.

Revelation 3:4-5 comes to mind. "I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember... and repent." The prodigal son story of Luke 15 applies.

2. Laziness.

Sloth. Idleness. Lethargy. Listlessness. Dullness. Slackness. Find yourself in any of these? You just can't make yourself get up and do anything spiritual such as reading the Bible or praying meaningfully or volunteering for a service project. You "just don't feel like it." Sound familiar? There's a law of physics you may be familiar with. Inertia is the tendency of an object at rest to remain there, and a moving object to continue moving. Now, it takes energy to get the object moving and it takes energy to stop it once it's in motion. Like priming a pump, we use energy to get energy. This pertains, whether speaking of the physical or the spiritual.

Proverbs 6:6-11 comes to mind. "How long wilt thou sleep, O thou sluggard?" Wake up. Get up.

1. Satan. The enemy himself.

You wondered if we would get to that? The unholy trinity of the world-the-flesh-and-the-devil are always at work to discourage believers from living the life Christ commands and we profess. The devil has had longer to study human nature than we, so he knows methods we have yet to discover. He uses detours, overloads, and even good works to keep us from doing the best things. He uses our diversions to sap our time, people to sap our joy, and work to sap our energies. Our time gone, our spirits depleted, and our energies sapped, we decide not to read our Bible tonight, to skip on our prayer time, and to get our rest tomorrow by sleeping late and skipping church. Chalk up another victory for the roaring lion who walks about.

I Peter 5:6-9 comes to mind. You know what it says. "We are not ignorant of his devices." 2 Corinthians 2:11

Now... take a moment and give us your energy-for-God sappers. What have you found that depletes your desire to get up and serve the Lord?

Dr. Joe McKeever is a Preacher, Cartoonist, and the Director of Missions for the Baptist Association of Greater New Orleans.

The Focus of Ministry is Focus

2009-01-24T19:29:00.001+08:00

Ron Walters

source: Crosswa;l

fo-cus (fo-kus) noun, [Latin, hearth] 1. A focal point. 2. To concentrate. 3. A center of interest or activity. 4. To sharpen or clearly define. 5. The point at which an object is most clearly seen.

To the casual observer it might appear that Jesus was nomadic, wandering the dusty roads from village to village, dispensing his humanitarian miracles and pithy sayings. A first century Johnny Appleseed who scattered goodness seeds and golden rules like confetti. A kind of half-Houdini, half-Gandhi. A utilitarian genie who attracted disciples like stray cats.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus was the most focused leader and strategic planner of all time. He was a genius in organizational development and human resources. He specialized in visionary management. The world has never known a better synergist, the church being exhibit A. His methods, though ministerial, have been the model for industry and commerce for hundreds of years.

His focus was constantly challenged, but he never wavered. He was harassed by the religious: "The Pharisees came out and began to argue with Him." His disciples volunteered new ideas: "...Command fire to come down from heaven to consume them." Even His family questioned his actions: "Why have you treated us this way?" His hometown friends, the ones who had watched Him grow up, "took offense at Him." Satan, too, took his best shot. "All the kingdoms of the world, and their glory, will I give you if you fall down and worship me." But Jesus was resolute with focus.

Though simple, Jesus' ministerial focus was profound and permanent. It has served as the template for every true disciple since.

First, Jesus focused His mission in doing God's will. Nothing was more important to Him. "My priority is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to accomplish His work." John Stott, in The Preacher's Portrait wrote, "I can't help wondering if this is why there are so few preachers God is using today. There are plenty of popular preachers but not many who preach in the power of the Holy Spirit." Stott wonders if preaching God's will is too costly for the preacher. It was costly for Jesus, too. But He remained focused.

Second, Jesus focused His topics of conversations. Every dialogue was deliberate. No words were wasted or lost; they were customized for each audience. "The words which you gave to me, I have given to them." His material was fresh and applicable. To the hurting, He spoke of hope. At a funeral, He spoke of life. To the blind, he spoke of light. To the leper, He offered His touch. To the theologians, He spoke theology. To normal people, He sounded normal. For everyone he put the cookies on the bottom shelf. And they loved Him for it.

Third, Jesus focused His message to a target audience. "I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." He gravitated to the needy and the growing. He did not seek out the comfortable or stagnant. His ministry was one of depth, not breadth. He would hideaway with His students for in-depth training. He commanded others to "tell no one." He was unshaken when thousands walked out during His message claiming "this is too difficult." On the night before the crucifixion, Jesus had an audience with numerous Jewish and Roman power brokers "yet He opened not His mouth."

Finally, Jesus focused His energies toward His replacements. "As you have sent me into the world, I also have sent them into the world." He chose an even-dozen from hundreds of candidates. For three years they stopped, looked, and listened. They heard it all, saw it all, and were involved in dozens of miraculous works. Jesus held nothing back from them. He schooled them in every phase of ministry. They saw him laugh, weep, teach, pray, challenge, rest, serve, heal, answer, and lead. When it was their turn they never asked "How?" They were focused.

Our work is demanding but the model of our Teacher is simple: Focus.

Ron Walters
Vice President of Church Relations

Speak Your Spouse's Language

2009-01-20T10:18:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler

source: Cw

Your husband seems to say one thing yet do another. Your wife seems to expect you to read her mind. You and your spouse are frustrated that what you heard each other say wasn't what was meant. Sometimes it can be like your spouse is speaking a different language from yours -- one you don't understand.

But you can learn to speak your spouse's language when you work on communication skills in your marriage. Here's how:

Make your marriage a covenant, not just a contract. God intended marriage to be much more than the contractual relationship it typically is in our society. Viewed as a contract, marriage is simply about what and your spouse agree to do for each other (and if either of you fail, the relationship can be canceled). But God designed marriage to be a covenant, a permanent relationship that's built on unconditional love. The first step in effectively communicating with your spouse is for both of you to view your marriage as a covenant. Be willing to love your spouse with a steadfast love. Decide to focus on what you can do for your spouse, instead of on what you want your spouse to do for you.

Realize that communication leads to intimacy. The better you and your spouse communicate, the closer your relationship will become. Aim to build intimacy by focusing on your communication skills. Think of how loved you each will feel in a truly intimate marriage, and let that thought motivate you to improve the way you communicate.

Plan a daily sharing time with your spouse. Schedule a time each day or night to give each other a few minutes of undivided attention.

Take turns asking each other to share three experiences that happened in your lives today and how you feel about them.

Change unhealthy communication patterns. Instead of trying to achieve peace at any price, recognize that conflict is necessary to deal with issues and find solutions to problems. Rather than blaming your spouse for everything, ask God to show you how you've contributed to problems. Then take responsibility for your own failures, confess them to God, and ask for His help to change. Instead of expressing only your reasonable thoughts and hiding your feelings, realize that you must share your emotions as well as your logic if you're going to build true intimacy with your spouse. Rather than ignoring your spouse's offensive actions or comments, hoping that they'll go away, realize that the problems between you will never go away on their own. The only way to get them to go away is to work together to solve them.

Raise the level of your communication. Get to know the five different levels of communication. Then aim to go to the highest level -- level five -- with your spouse. Level one is hallway talk like "Fine, how are you?". Level two is reporter talk like "Just give me the facts." Level three is intellectual talk like "Do you know what I think?". Level four is emotional talk like "Do you know how I feel?". Level five is the most intimate -- loving, genuine truth talk like "Let's be honest." On this level, you can speak the truth in love to each other. You can be honest but not condemning, and open but not demanding. You can give each other the freedom to think and feel differently about issues, situations, and people. You work to understand each other's thoughts and feelings, looking for ways to grow together in spite of your differences.

Get to know yourself well. You must know yourself before you can share yourself with your spouse. Train yourself to become more attentive to your five senses (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting) to be able to fully experience situations. Pay closer attention to the way you interpret your experiences. Notice how the way you interpret experiences affects your emotions and your behavior. Consider what your spouse may have said or done lately that you interpreted in a wrong way. Ask God to help you avoid jumping to conclusions about situations in your marriage, and instead take the time to find out what truly motivated your spouse to speak or act in certain ways. Get to know your emotions, what triggers them, and how the way you feel affects the way you behave.

Recognize your desires, and the different values you place on each of them. Consider whether your desires are good or bad, loving or selfish -- and how those desires and their varying intensities are affecting your marriage. Then come to understand how your behavior reveals the reality of your choices. When you act a certain way toward your spouse, you're making a choice, whether you're fully aware of it or not. If you pay more attention to the choices you're making -- even at the subconscious level -- you can change your behavior by changing your choices. Ask God to help you integrate your feelings and desires with your intellect and your will. Instead of letting your changing emotions rule your life, decide to live by the timeless truths of the Bible. Pray for the strength you need to deal with your emotions maturely, so you can remain committed to your marriage even during tough times.

Learn the art of self-revelation. Once you discover who you truly are, be willing to share yourself with your spouse in order to build intimacy in your marriage. Practice telling your spouse about your experiences, interpretations, feelings, desires, and behavior. The more you reveal about yourself, the less your spouse has to guess, and the better he or she can understand you -- which will draw the two of your closer together.

Clarify your priorities and goals. Aim to work with your spouse to grow together into the people God wants you become. Think and pray about your current priorities in life: your faith, family, friends, work, church, personal enrichment, etc. Consider whether or not each one reflects what's important to God. A successful marriage depends on both you and your spouse bringing your priorities in line with God's priorities. Once you and your spouse agree with God and each other about priorities, it's time to set goals to help you accomplish your priorities. Be sure to make your goals specific, realistic, and measurable. Set goals for the growth you'd like to see happen in your marriage, and keep in mind that growth usually happens gradually, so be patient with each other as long as you're making some progress. Discuss your goals with your spouse regularly to keep each other motivated and on track.

Make time for what's most important. You and your spouse may be very busy, but how much are you actually accomplishing? Examine the ways you're currently using your time. Write down how you spend your time over the course of a week; then analyze the information to decide what to eliminate. Delegate some of your responsibilities, such as by having your children take over certain household chores or hiring someone to help with tasks like doing your taxes or mowing your lawn. Schedule time to be your spouse in focused ways, rather than hoping that you can do so spontaneously and having other activities take over. Encourage each other to take time regularly to be alone, and use that time to think, pray, and reflect on life.

Identify your differences and make them assets. Notice the many differences between your personality and that of your spouse: one of you likes to stay up late and one likes to get up early, one likes to save money and one likes to spend, one talks a lot and the other is quiet, one is neat and one is messy, etc. Remember that God has created each of you to be unique. No matter how much your spouse's different approach to life may irritate you, decide not to view your differences as liabilities. If you work together to discover how your differences complement each other, those differences can become assets, strengthening your marriage. Don't condemn each other for being different. Instead, ask God to help you make the most of your differences so that they'll enhance your lives together. Whenever you and your spouse notice how one of your strengths is helping the other in an area in which he or she is weak, thank each other.

Change defensive attitudes. Remember that your spouse is not your enemy; he or she is your ally. Figure out what's causing you to feel defensive in your marriage: perhaps self-esteem issues, unresolved conflict, or physical deprivation. Understand how you usually express defensiveness: through verbal retaliation, withdrawal, or speaking to your spouse through your children instead of directly. Whenever you catch yourself reacting defensively, learn from the experience by asking yourself: "What emotions did I feel when I responded defensively?", "What message did my spouse's statement communicate to me?", "What did my response, verbally or behaviorally, communicate to my spouse?", and "What did my response reveal about me?". Also consider how larger issues in your marriage may be contributing to your defensiveness, and discuss those issues with your spouse. Then explore ways of relating to each other more constructively. For example, when you want your spouse to do something, approach him or her with a request instead of a demand. Also, rather than saying "You should ..." or "You ought ..." say "In my opinion ...". The more you and your spouse feel that you value and believe in each other, the less defensive you'll each become.

Build intimacy. Ask God to help both you and your spouse be transparent and open with one another so you'll enjoy the freedom to know and be known. Make sure you're each experiencing intimacy with God, since you can't be experience intimacy with each other until you each are close to God first. Communicate with God often through prayer, and communicate with your spouse honestly and openly each day. Confess your own selfishness whenever you recognize it and ask for mercy and forgiveness whenever you need it.

Ask God to pour out His love for your spouse through you and make you an agent of positive change in your spouse's life. Over time, work to regain trust that has been lost in your relationship. Develop stronger emotional intimacy by expressing love, respect, and appreciation to your spouse more often. Build stronger intellectual intimacy by learning how to listen to each other well and discussing ideas in ways that respect each other when your opinions differ. Develop stronger sexual intimacy by working together until you both find mutual fulfillment in your physical relationship. Stay committed to each other, refraining from looking outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment. Communicate often and openly about your sexual needs and desires. Look out for your spouse's best interests in other areas of your lives, too, to grow the kind of love you need to fuel a healthy sexual connection. Build stronger spiritual intimacy by encouraging each other to become more like Christ every day. Pray together, talk about what God is doing in each of your lives, study the Bible together, and serve God together through your local church and in other ways as He leads you. Dream together about the future, and ask God to make His dreams for your marriage come true.

Published January 14, 2008

Gary Chapman has traveled extensively around the world challenging couples to pursue healthy, growing marriages. Since 1979, Gary has written more than 20 books. His book The Five Love Languages has sold 4 million copies in English alone and has been translated into 36 languages. He has also appeared on several television and radio programs and has his own daily radio program called "A Love Language Minute" that can be heard on more than 100 radio stations across the United States. In addition to his busy writing and seminar schedule, Gary Chapman is a senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where he has served for 36 years. Gary and his wife, Karolyn, have been married for 45 years, have two adult children, and two grandchildren.

How to Live for the Greatest Cause

2009-01-16T23:14:00.001+08:00

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

cause – you'll find meaning and satisfaction.

Living your life just for yourself will ultimately leave you unfulfilled. But if you choose to live for something bigger than yourself – a cause – you'll find meaning and satisfaction.

The greatest cause of all is the cause of Christ. That's the cause God created you for, and when you devote your life to it, everything you do takes on eternal significance.

Here's how you can live for the greatest cause of all:

Discover your purpose. Your appearance on this planet at this time in history isn't just by chance. God planned for you to be here, and He hopes you'll fulfill a specific purpose during your lifetime. Reject any notion that your life is merely a random happening, and set out to understand more about God's kingdom and the unique part you're meant to play in it. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you. Instead of looking at your life in terms of what you think you lack, consider the amazing reality that you've been born for the greatest cause of all, and trust God to empower you to do whatever He is calling you to do.

Plant yourself in a church that will nourish you. Find a healthy church in your area and get fully involved in it. Don't just attend casually; develop close friendships with the people there, participate in the activities, and serve wholeheartedly. As you do, God will release more and more of your potential as a person. You'll grow in vital ways that will help you fulfill your purpose. The church is the vehicle through which God's kingdom will take hold in your life and move you forward into what God wants you to do.

Connect your vision to God's cause. Make sure the vision that guides your life supports the cause of Christ. Surrender your own agenda to God and pursue His plans for your life. Base all your decisions on what's most important to Christ rather than just on what seems like a good idea to you. As exciting as your own vision might be, it will lack power unless you connect it to God's cause. Once your own vision aligns with the cause, however, you'll be able to accomplish much more than you could ever imagine.

Unite with others around the cause. Work with other people who are single-minded in their vision to serve Christ and His church. Confront and overcome division, wrong motives, disloyalty, and disunity. Do all you can to promote unity so God's purposes can stand and His kingdom can advance on earth.

Approach life from an eternal perspective. Keep in mind that your life can impact the future in powerful ways. If you're living faithfully, everything about you can provoke people to think about eternity. And if you're serving as God leads you, all of your efforts have eternal significance. Consider what kind of legacy you want to leave on earth. Every day, invest your time and energy into what matters most and don't let lesser pursuits distract you from what's most important.

Live as someone who has been called, not just saved. God has saved you not just to spend an eternity with Him in heaven, but also to make a positive difference on earth. Every situation and every person you encounter presents a fresh opportunity to live out your God-given calling. Let your gratitude for the salvation God has given you motivate you to reach out to others who need salvation. Be as active as you can in serving as God calls you to serve.

Use what God has given you. Discover, develop, and fully use your natural talents and spiritual gifts. God has given them to you to help you fulfill specific purposes in His kingdom. No matter what you're especially good at doing – comforting hurting people, working with numbers, creating art, etc. – decide to do it for God's glory as often as you can. Don't underestimate the power of your abilities. Seize each opportunity God presents to use them and look forward to what God will do as a result. If you're not serving much already, start out being faithful in small acts of service, and expect God to eventually open doors to larger opportunities to serve.

Work hard. Hard work can serve as the launching pad for God's purpose for your life to take off to great heights. Instead of taking the easy road, commit to working hard every day so that others will notice your dedication to serving God. Whatever kind of work you do, do it wholeheartedly, knowing that it has eternal significance since God has called you to do it. Ask God to help you get rid of stress, striving, emptiness, and anxiety related to your work and approach it with joy instead. Pray for God to use your work as a conduit through which to pour His love into people's lives. Look beyond your work tasks themselves to the results they can accomplish – making the world a better place. Enjoy the blessings that come about because of your hard work.

Stay focused on your purpose. Focusing on God's purpose for your life will propel you into effective action every day and prevent wasting precious time and energy on distractions. Keep in mind that your life isn't meant to be a to-do list of competing priorities; it's meant to a unified life that's centered on God, with everything you do flowing naturally from your relationship with Him. Don't let your perceived shortcomings hold you back from the future God has for you. Trust God to help you do absolutely anything He calls you to do. No matter how busy you are, if you focus on God's purpose for your life, He will replenish your energy and give you peace. No matter what struggles you've gone through in the past, pursuing God's purpose will bring you the healing you need to overcome your wounds and limitations.

Use your time well. It will take time to build a life powerfully lived for the cause of Christ, so don't give up when you get frustrated about something in your life not progressing as well as you'd like. Every day, freshly devote yourself to the cause. Recognize that each new day is a gift from God that is valuable in shaping your destiny and contributions to the world. Expect different seasons of time to bring different experiences into your life. Rejoice during the good times, and lean into God during the hard times, learning how to trust Him more. Notice the extraordinary things God is doing in the ordinary moments of your life and seek to join Him in His work. Remain committed to fulfilling God's purpose in your life at all times.

Use your money well. If you use your money just for yourself, it will come to master you by stealing your affections away from everything else. But if you use it to help you pursue God's plans for your life, it will serve you as a valuable tool to accomplish what matters most. Be generous when you give and wise when you invest, so you won't squander any of the potential you have to achieve great results for God's kingdom with your money. Remember that God is the one who has given you the ability to earn money; thank Him by managing it as well as you possibly can.

Get rid of selfishness. Live beyond your personal desires by surrendering your will daily to God. Trust in God's plans for your life rather than trying to force your own agenda. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you, and derive confidence from that so you won't be preoccupied with your own desires and will be able to accomplish much more than you could ever imagine yourself.

Stand on your convictions. Hold steadfastly to your beliefs, refusing to give in to the world's pressures to compromise. Rather making yourself vulnerable to having others change you, pray for God to give you the strength to lead others to change. Become an agent of positive change in the world, shining Christ's light into dark places. Get to know the Bible well, letting its truths soak into your soul so they'll be there when you need them for encouragement. Pray often for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind so you'll be thinking according to truth instead of the world's confused patterns.

Remain committed. Whatever challenges you face – from health issues to financial problems – if you consistently make your relationship with God your top priority, He will give you the strength you need to get through it all well. Devote yourself to God daily. Seek His healing for internal issues that can interfere with your ability to grow, confront evil, confess your sins, be reconciled to other people, and make whatever sacrifices you need to keep serving God wholeheartedly.

Adapted from For This I Was Born: Aligning Your Vision to God's Cause, copyright 2008 by Brian Houston. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tn., www.thomasnelson.com.
Brian Houston and his wife, Bobbie, are the senior pastors of Australia's largest church, Hillsong Church in Sydney, which has a growing congregation of more than twenty-one thousand people. They also oversee the extended ministries that include Hillsong Music Australia, Hillsong Conference, and the Hillsong International Leadership College. Hillsong Television is also broadcast in more than 180 nations.

Submission: Insights from a Strong-Willed Wife

2009-01-16T21:29:00.001+08:00

Debbie L. Cherry, Ph.D

Author, The Strong-Willed Wife

source: Crosswalk

"My husband is just not the leader type. It takes him forever to make a decision. If he won't lead then I guess I have to."

"I know my husband can lead because he's great at it at work. But at home he just lets me do it all."

"I wouldn't mind letting my husband lead our family…as long as he does it the way I would."

Have you ever found yourself making comments like those? If so, it's very likely that you are a strong-willed wife. There are some amazingly wonderful things about being blessed with a strong-willed personality. And as long as those traits are controlled by the Holy Spirit we strong-willed wives can bring changes to the world around us and do amazing things for the kingdom of heaven. But those same traits can cause some serious difficulties as we are trying to have a marriage that follows God's ordained authority structure in our marriages. As strong-willed women, we struggle to let go of control and really allow our husbands to take their God given role in our homes. But it is something that we really have to learn to do if we want a marriage that God continues to bless.

Strong willed women think fast, move fast and make decisions fast, and expect others to do the same. But when our husbands don't meet these expectations we tend to step in and do it for them. What if your husband would be willing to make more decisions but you don't allow him the time he needs to do so? And what if the decision he makes isn't the same one you would have made? Would you still let his decision stand? Many husbands may be more cautious and slow in their decision making but that doesn't mean they won't or can't lead. A husband who has never taken the lead may need to take on this responsibility in stages, just as you will likely need to release your responsibility and control in stages.

So if you are ready to start letting your strong willed personality work in your favor and really start using your personality to honor God and your husband, here's some things to help get you started as you learn to let go of control and let your husband lead:

1. Talk openly with your husband about what you plan to work on: This will help your husband know where to join you in prayer about the changes you are going to be making. It will also help him be aware of the areas you are working on and be available to give praise and encouragement along the way. And finally, open communication is necessary so the two of you together can identify what areas you are going to start handing the reigns over to him in first. If you don't discuss this and you just decide to release the reigns without him knowing it's his turn to pick them up and lead, then the whole family could go running out of control with no one in the leadership role.

2. Stop doing everything: Once you and your husband have talked about the areas where you both want to start making changes, then it's time to step back in those areas and give him the space and time he needs to take the lead. As you back off, remember that over time your husband has probably become dependent on you to do it all because you always have. So be patient and wait for him to do what he has said he will do. How far you have to back off will be different for every marriage. But I assure you it will be further than you are comfortable with.

3. Set realistic expectations for you and your husband: If you expect perfection (as most of us strong willed wives do) from either yourself or your husband then you are setting both of you up for disappointment. Not only will husband not be perfect as he tries to learn about godly headship, but you also won't be perfect in your attempts to let go and let him lead. If you set realistic expectations you will be able to see your successes as steps forward and your failures as learning experiences.

4. Take ownership of your behaviors: This means that you will have to stop blaming others, stop denying the behaviors, and stop avoiding responsibility for your behaviors. All three of these are things that we strong-willed wives often do. We have to learn how to take ownership of our part of the problems that come up in our relationships and when we do we need to learn to apologize and seek forgiveness for them.

5. Stop criticizing: We strong-willed wives tend to focus on our way of doing things and saying things as the right way (and sometimes the only way). When people do it differently we feel it necessary to correct them. But learning to control our tongue will make a huge difference in our relationship with our husbands. The key to this step is to learn to accept your husband's differences and to understand that different does NOT mean wrong. If you continue to criticize your husband or redo what he's done, you undermine your attempts to let him lead.

6. Praise often: The other side of controlling your tongue is learning to give praise on a regular basis. You need to learn to look for the good in this man that God has blessed you with, and be open with your praise. Make a conscious effort to look for things that he does or traits that you see in him that are praiseworthy and shower him with these comments. Say things that let him know that you trust and respect him and his ability to lead your household. These statements will make him start to feel like the man of the house again and like the man God created him to be.

7. Strive toward unity: Biblical submission has as its ultimate goal a stronger and more intimate marital relationship. It's about blending into one flesh and setting aside our selfish desires. We are on the same team and working toward the same goal. So when it comes to decisions within your home, the ultimate goal needs to be unity. To experience this unity you will need a plan of action that the two of you have agreed upon and that keeps you moving in the same direction. The plan can take several different forms as long as you come up with it together, both agree that it is a workable solution and then follow through with it.

Debbie L. Cherry, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the CEO of Today's Family Treasures. http://www.tftreasures.org/

Article is adapted from her book: The Strong-Willed Wife: Using your personality to honor God and your husband. NavPress, 2007.

Four Benefits of Putting Margin in Your Life

2009-01-14T00:07:00.001+08:00

by Rick Warren

source: RWMT

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***

Here are four immediate benefits you'll receive by building margin into your life:

1. Peace of mind. When you're not always hurrying and worrying, you have time to think, time to relax, time to enjoy life. We had a bird come into the building one evening before service. He started singing, and it was just like we'd been given an invitation: "Just relax. Everybody except those sitting directly under the bird, relax."

2. Better health. Unrelenting stress harms our bodies. We all know that, yet we let it continue day after day after day. Many times we only build margin in our lives after the heart attack almost happens or does happen, or the blood pressure skyrockets. Why do we wait until our health plummets before we make this decision? Why not realize thatwe need to build some margin intoour lives now? The truth is your body needs downtime in order to heal. Race cars make pit stops occasionally in order to get repaired. You can't fix anything going 200 miles an hour. Yet, we try to repair ourselves while we're still racing through life. Margin builds in time for better health.

3. Stronger relationships. Lack of margin is one big reason for the collapse of the American family today. When we don't make relationships a priority and make time for each other, our relationships suffer. Relationships take time; and margin provides the time to sit and talk, to listen and enjoy one another, and to provide the comfort we each need.

4. Usefulness in ministry. When you're overloaded by activity, you can only think of yourself. You're in survival mode, just trying to make it through another day. But being available to God for his use makes all the difference in this world.

When you have no margin in your life and God taps you on the shoulder, saying, "I'd like you to do this for me," your first response isn't joy. Your first response is, "Oh, no! Another thing to do! Sorry, God – I'd like to do that, but I'm just too busy."

We end up resenting the great opportunities God brings into our lives. But when you have margin, you're available for God to use.
You don't have to live on overload. You don't have to live in survival mode. Begin today to build a buffer around your schedule. Then enjoy the benefits of margin and see what God does next!

Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., one of America's largest and best-known churches. In addition, Rick is author of the New York Times bestseller The Purpose Driven Life and The Purpose Driven Church, which was named one of the 100 Christian books that changed the 20th Century. He is also founder of Pastors.com, a global Internet community for ministers.

Become a Wife of Goodwill

2009-01-13T23:43:00.001+08:00

Sandy Coughlin

Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2: 14

"Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright." Proverbs 14: 9

After seventeen years of marriage, I can look back and say that it was my job to love my husband, Paul. Not to change him. It's God's job to make him good and my responsibility to express goodwill – not condemnation.

Was I a woman of goodwill?

I was tested by this "goodwill" question when I married a Christian Nice Guy (CNG) seventeen years ago. A CNG, you might ask? Let me explain. I didn't realize that the daily abuse my husband suffered as a child would affect our everyday life together. What I thought were such "nice" Christian qualities in my husband when we married turned into frustrations and fireworks because of my husband's passive approach to life. Oh, don't get me wrong. My husband had amazing qualities, so that to this day I have never looked back.

What exactly is goodwill in a marriage?

Goodwill is a tangible, practical expression of love. Helpfulness, concern, care, friendly disposition – are all related to goodwill and all lead to intimacy. It is the willingness to act in a spirit of cooperation, instead of trying to win arguments. It is proactive, alive, and dynamic. Goodwill is not a passive attribute. Goodwill is among the most concrete ways of expressing love and fostering intimacy, yet when we think about this word, we think of used clothing.

How do you know if you have it?

The "will to do good" toward your spouse is more than having good feelings for him (thank goodness). Though good feelings are important, goodwill also includes kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, and practical support. This is wonderful news for CNG wives, because controlling how we feel is often harder than exerting our will to determine our good actions.

It's okay and even normal to have mixed feelings about your husband at times. For me, being an assertive woman, I found myself frustrated in this passive marriage. My husband lived under the radar of life. He felt that if he lived life safely, his problems would be few. And this affected the intimacy between us, though we both yearned for more depth in our relationship.

Intimacy is a choice, and you have to be available, present and vulnerable with one another. My CNG didn't always feel safe with me, so it was easier for him to not always "show up." It was difficult for him to make his wants and needs known and he didn't always come clean with how he felt. In turn, I often found myself walking on eggshells - not a fun way to live.

How do you lose goodwill?

Goodwill, present in most marriages when vows are exchanged, can become virtually buried under the rubble of anger, resentment and dwindling respect that builds over time. Coming to terms with these emotions is vital if you're going to give your efforts toward helping intimacy grow.

If you lack goodwill, take up the task of becoming a worthy steward of your husband's heart. It worked for me. I learned to be more supportive and understanding of my husband's wacky past, and I started pulling out my secret weapon – empathy. I became a woman of goodwill when I made an effort to understand Paul more, and I stopped the nagging, coercing, attacking and shaming which only pushed him further from me.

I came to the understanding that passive people are made (through life's experiences), and not born. As I started becoming more empathetic toward Paul, my respect strengthened. I increasingly was able to see his struggles in a healthier light. My respect for him was enhanced even more once he started being more open and honest and he began to exert his will and express his feelings.

When it comes to love and intimacy, goodwill is like silverware: Almost everyone can learn how to use it, even though we weren't born knowing how, and even though some of us took a long time to try it. Goodwill is remarkably practical and beneficial for those who produce it and receive it.

(excerpts taken from Married but Not Engaged, Bethany House, 2006)

Sandy Coughlin is a wife and mother of 3. She loves her family and loves blessing other people's lives by entertaining in her home. Sandy's husband, Paul, (who used to be the reluctant entertainer) has come on board, and they often offer hospitality together. Sandy and Paul co-authored a book called Married but Not Engaged(Bethany House, Aug. 2006). It's written to women who are married to "checked out" or emotionally absent men and who want to create a more satisfying, intimate relationship. This article was adapted from Sandy's regularly updated blog "4 Reluctant Entertainers," which you can visit at www.reluctantentertainer.com. Get more information on Married but Not Engaged by clicking here. Visit Paul's website at: http://www.paulcoughlin.net/

Have a 'Clean Slate' Marriage in '09

2009-01-13T23:42:00.003+08:00

April Motl

source: CW

Have you ever noticed how no one ever starts a new diet on a Friday? Nope. We all know that Monday is the day to start a new diet. Along that same vein, most of us "know" the first of the month is the time to begin a new financial habit and the New Year is the time we wipe the slate clean and start fresh in just about every area of our lives. There isn't anything magical about January 1st but we seem to honor it as the day of new beginnings.

New beginnings are great, but there is a whole lot more to wiping the slate clean than just turning the page on the calendar. Take our marriages for example.

Marriage is a complex and wonderful relationship that at its best reflects a constant state of "clean slate" thinking and interaction. God's design for marriage was to mirror His love for us -- a love that is constantly faithful to forgive us and freely invites us into His loving presence to experience a deeper relationship with Him. Despite our calling to imitate God's "clean slate" love, it is easy to fall short in our marriages. And over time, failing to love each other as God loves us can become "just the way things are" in our marriages.

Maintaining a clean slate marriage is not simply about having an absence of offenses in your relationship. It is having a fresh stream of living water running through the heart of your relationship at all times. As we formulate New Year's resolutions to shed pounds, get organized and send birthday cards to all our friends and family on time this year (I always mess that one up!), we ought to also evaluate the state of our marriage. What is the fuel our relationship runs on? Where is our marriage headed? How are we growing? What is great about us as a couple? What isn't?

If we want to have marriages with streams of Living Water running through the center, we need to honestly assess a few things:
1. Have you asked Jesus to be your personal Lord and Savior? He promises Living Water to spring up in the dry places in your heart when you accept His sacrifice and invite Him into your life (John 4:14). If your spouse has not begun a relationship with Jesus, don't give up hope. Pray for them diligently!

2. Do you seek Him daily through His Word? When we read, believe and act on the Bible the broken places in us as individuals and in our marriages can be washed clean (Ephesians 5:26, Romans 12:2). How much time do you read the Bible or Christian books together as a couple? It has taken my husband and I a lot of energy and focus to maintain a habit of reading together (and we don't do it perfectly) but the blessings are incalculable. It draws us together, gives us perspective and grows us.

3. Do you pray together everyday? Studies have shown that couples who pray together, stay together! When my husband and I pray together we are drawn near to each other in honesty as we come before our Lord and all the worries and concerns are openly discussed with our Father. Sometimes busyness, tone of voice and all sorts of little daily things can cloud how we perceive our spouse's love and support. When I hear my husband petition the Father on my behalf I see his love for me clearly. When I hear him lift up a weakness or mistake I can perceive his heart on the matter more plainly than I might in a discussion or just watching him go about life. Prayer is for us to communicate with God; not each other. But it can bless us to be prayed with and for by our spouse.

4. Do you regularly forgive your spouse? Bitter water can spring up between you when harsh words are exchanged, when confidences are broken and offenses racked up. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness will clean away the junk that can pile up between you and your spouse (1 John 1:9).

5. Are the things you devote your time and attention to constructive to your marriage? My husband and I have to fight the "demands of the daily" to take our weekly date nights (which might consist of staying home and just enjoying each other's company without interruption instead of an expensive night on the town). Things like TV, video games, the phone, internet, etc can steal away hours that could have been spent in something that would bear fruit. These things are not bad in and of themselves, but they can distract and eventually dry up that abundant stream that is supposed to flow through the heart of a marriage.

Having a clean slate in marriage isn't about dates on a calendar. It is about the attitude we carry in our hearts toward one another and the things we allow to flow through the center of our relationship. It is about treasuring your relationship enough to devote the energy and purpose to guard the quality of your marriage. May rivers of abundant love, joy and peace flow through the heart of your marriage in 2009!

For a free list of 31 ways to cultivate a "clean slate marriage" contact us at info@InHisEyesMinistries.com.
April Motl and her husband, Eric, minister at their church in Southern California where he is a pastor on staff. April is the founder of In His Eyes Ministries; a teaching ministry devoted to helping women see their life from God's perspective. For more information about the ministry visit www.InHisEyesMinistries.com

How to make your church guest-friendly

2009-01-13T23:42:00.001+08:00

y RW

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A guest's first 12 minutes dramatically influence whether they're coming back or not. You never get a second chance to make

a first impression.

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There are a lot of reasons a church might grow. Sometimes people come because of the preaching. Sometimes people come because of the music. Some people like the great programs for kids and youth.

But I'm convinced there's an often overlooked factor in church growth: Growing churches are friendly to guests. All churches think they're friendly, but when you take a good look at them, you often discover they're friendly to people who have been attending for 15 years or more – not to new people.

A guest's first 12 minutes dramatically influence whether they're coming back or not. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. When non-Christians come to your church for the first time, their number one emotion is fear. What will people think? What are they going to do? Am I going to have to sign something, sing something, sacrifice something, or say something? They don't know what's going on, and they're scared to death.

Your first goal with guests (and by the way, I never call them visitors) is to get them to relax. Then you can communicate with them. When people are afraid, their barriers are up and it's like, "I dare you to teach me something!" No matter how good your sermon is, they won't listen to the Good News about Jesus until they get past those fears. You need to put guests at ease.

How do you do that? Here are some ideas:

Reserve your best parking spots for guests. It just shows you're thinking about them. If you had guests for dinner at your house, you'd probably do whatever it took to make them feel more comfortable. You'd give them your best silverware and your best dishes. You might ask them about food preferences before you plan the meal. You should show the same type of courtesies to guests at your church.

Station greeters outside your building. You need people strategically placed around your campus to greet guests. At Saddleback, we used to play a game. I would dare people to get into the building without having their hand shaken at least three times. We place greeters way out in the parking lot. Why? We've found that people hate to be greeted publicly during the service, but they love to be greeted personally.

Set up an information table. Put all sorts of information on the table that might help people find their way around. Put maps out with classrooms and restrooms easily marked. Put out brochures about the church that give people information they can take home and read at their convenience. Most importantly, have hosts stationed there to help people find their way around. Make sure your hosts know where the restrooms are and where the children should go!

Have taped music playing when people enter. In America almost every public building has music playing. Even in the elevator, music is playing. You go into the restroom and music is playing. You go into a restaurant and music is playing. Why? Because people expect to hear music. If you walked into a church right now and everyone was dead silent when you walked in, you'd probably be uncomfortable. On the other hand, if you heard fairly loud praise music playing, you'd feel much more comfortable.

Here's something interesting I've found: If you play soft music, people talk softly. But if you play loud music, people talk louder. When non-Christians come into your church, they want it to be noisy. They want to hear what's going on.

Allow guests to remain anonymous in the service. Please don't make guests stand up. The three greatest fears people have are going to a party with strangers, having to speak before a crowd, and being asked personal questions in public. So when we ask our guests to tell us their name and where they are from in front of everyone, we subject them to all three of their greatest fears at one time. Bad idea.

How do you identify guests if you don't have them stand up? Have them fill out a welcome card. Then someone from the church can connect with them later.

Offer a warm, casual public welcome that relaxes people. If you want to make guests feel welcome, you've got to be at ease yourself. That's what most people expect – just watch the late-night TV shows. Like it or not, how the pastor and the worship leader interact with each other sets the tone for good or for bad in a service.

In early years at Saddleback we used to say, "If this is your first time at Saddleback, we're glad you're here. We want you take a deep breath, sit back, relax, and enjoy the service." You know where I got that? I heard someone say it on an airline once! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. All we're trying to do is help them relax and then make them feel comfortable.

Begin and end each service by having people greet each other. Five times in the New Testament Christians are told to greet one another and share affection. I'll say during the service, "Turn around and give somebody a hug. Turn around and give somebody a handshake." I've been told by some that's the only physical touch they get all week. And human beings need touch. It's a great way to help lower the barriers of your guests.

Offer a refreshment table at each service. Today in our society, it's not appropriate to just stand in a crowd doing nothing. You have to have something in your hand. That's why they have cocktail parties. People like to have something in their hand when they're hanging out and mingling. Out on the patio, I'll see a 300-pound guy who thinks he's hiding behind a Styrofoam cup! He's very comfortable as long as he has something in his hand if somebody looks at him and he's not talking.

You have to break down the fear barriers before people will ever open up to your message and consider coming back to your church. Try these guest-friendly tips in coming weeks, and help your church grow in 2009.

15 Things I Have Learned from My Father

2009-01-13T23:41:00.001+08:00

John Piper .......Desiring God
from Crosswalk

Since my father died on March 6 of last year, I have been looking
through his papers. I found a small sheet with the following fifteen
counsels, titled "Things I Have Learned." He didn't make most of these
up. Some of them go back to his college days when he was absorbing the
pithy wisdom of Bob Jones Senior. They have again confirmed the
obvious: I owe my father more than I can ever remember. The comment
after each one is mine.

Things I Have Learned

1. The right road always leads to the right place; therefore, get on
the right road and go as far as you can on it.

My father was totally persuaded that wrong means do not lead to right
ends. Or, more positively, he was persuaded that living in the right
way — that is, doing the right things — are means that inevitably lead
to where God wants us to be. This is why he told me, when I asked
about God's leading in my life, "Son, keep the room clean where you
are, and in God's time, the door to the next room will open."

2. There is only one thing to do about anything; that is the right
thing. Do right.

This is what one might say to a person perplexed by a difficult
situation whose outcome is unknown. The person might say, "I just
don't know what to do about this." It is not useless to be told: Do
the right thing. That may not tell you exactly which good thing to do,
but it does clear the air and rule out a few dozen bad ideas.

3. Happiness is not found by looking for it. You stumble over
happiness on the road to duty.

My, my, my. How was John Piper born from this? I would never say this.
The main reason is that the Bible commands us to pursue our joy
repeatedly. "Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice." "Delight
yourself in the Lord." I think what he meant was: 1) Joy is always in
something. Joy itself is not the something. So we seek joy in Christ.
Not just joy in general. 2) When duty is hard and we do not feel joy
in doing it, we should still do it, and pray that in the doing it the
joy would be given. But what we need to make plain is that duty cannot
be contrasted with joy, because joy is a biblical duty.

4. The door to success swings on the hinges of opposition.

Remarkably, this saying implies that opposition is not just a natural
accompaniment or antecedent of success, but that it is a means by
which the door opens. One can think of many biblical examples. The
opposition of Joseph's brothers opened the door to his leadership in
Egypt. The taxing of the empire opened the door to getting the Messiah
born in Bethlehem, not Nazareth, and thus fulfilling prophecy. The
betrayal of Judas opened the door to the salvation of the world.

5. God in the right place in my life fixes every other relationship of
life (Matthew 6:33).

I wonder if this was tucked away in my mind so that unknown to me it
controlled my analogy of the solar system to our many-faceted lives.
If God is the blazing center of the solar system of our lives, then
all the planets will be held in their proper orbit. But if not,
everything goes awry.

6. It is never right to get the right thing in the wrong way — like
good grades, wealth, power, position. Don't sacrifice your principles.

Again, he hammers away at don't use bad means for good ends. Be a
principled, not a pragmatic, person. O how we need to hear this today.
Churches need to be principled, not endlessly adapting to culture.
Persons need to make a promise and keep it no matter how much it
hurts.

7. It is a sin to do less than your best. It is wrong to do [merely] well.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might" (Ecclesiastes
9:10). But be careful. Sometimes the "best" is a B+ sermon and
spending time with your child. In other words, "best" always involves
more decisions than the one you are making at the moment. That one
means many other things are being left undone. So "best" is always the
whole thing, not just the detail of the moment.

8. It is wrong to be yoked to one who refuses the yoke of Christ.

Don't marry an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:39). Not all relationships
with unbelievers are ruled out. Otherwise we could not obey Jesus'
command to love them and bless them. But "yoke" implies a
connectedness that either governs where we go or constrains where they
go. And you cannot constrain faith in Jesus. It is free.

9. The part of your character that is deficient is the part that needs
attention.

This is the counterpoint to the advice: Go with your strengths. There
is truth in both. Yes, be encouraged by every evidence of God's grace
in your life, and use your gifts and graces for his glory. But you
will become smug and vain if you do not keep your deficiencies before
you and work on them.

10. Don't quit. Finish the job. God can't use a quitter.

Warning: "He who endures to the end will be saved" (Mark 13:13).
Promise: "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion
at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6).

11. Anything you do that hinders your progress for God is wrong.

O how thankful I am that this was the dominant way my father pressed
me to pursue my sanctification. He did not mainly impose lists of
don'ts on me, though we had them. And they were clear. Mainly he said:
Maximize your progress in knowing and serving God. That ruled out a
hundred foolish behaviors, some bad and some uselessly innocent.

12. Beware of any society in which you feel compelled to put a bushel
over your testimony.

This implies that you can go into a group of people who are evil if
you are willing to open your mouth and take a stand for Jesus and
righteousness. Nevertheless, 1 Corinthians 15:33 stands: "Do not be
deceived: 'Bad company ruins good morals.'"

13. It isn't enough to be good. Be good for something. The essence of
Christianity is not a passionless purity.

This is what I have meant in talking about a merely avoidance ethic.
Don't just think of righteousness or holiness in terms of what you
avoid, but what you do. As my father said in another place: Don't be a
don'ter; be a doer.

14. Positive living produces negative effect[s].

This is wise counsel that affirmation of the good always implies
negation of the bad. If you think you can live your life without
negating anything, you have lost touch with reality. "Abhor what is
evil; hold fast to what is good" (Romans 12:9). You cannot love
without hating what hurts the beloved.

15. Learn to be sweetly firm.

This was what he said to my mother over the phone when she was
exasperated with her one disobedient son: Be sweet and firm. I think
she succeeded.

With abiding and deep thankfulness for my father's wisdom,

Pastor John

By John Piper. (c) Desiring God. Website: www.desiringGod.org. Email:
mail@desiringGod.org. Toll Free: 1.888.346.4700.

Mentoring Women - Passing the Torch

2008-10-21T19:48:00.001+08:00

Selections from Titus 2

source: Lifeway

Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, good homemakers, and submissive to their husbands, so that God's message will not be slandered. For the grace of God has appeared, with salvation for all people, instructing us to deny godlessness and worldly lusts and to live in a sensible, righteous, and godly way in the present age, while we wait for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Why should today's young people have to learn their lessons the hard way, when we've already walked so many of the same pathways, felt so many of the same pressures, seen so many of the Lord's promises come true? So many of them need us so much.
Few of us really think we have a lot to say to others. Our lives because they're ours, the only eyes we've ever looked through can seem quite ordinary, uneventful, unimportant. But we have something we can share things no one else has seen quite the way we've seen them. Even our fears and failures even the ones we struggle with at this very moment are object lessons that have much to teach, to reveal, to inspire. We can't do everything, but can we do anything more valuable than invest ourselves in another?

Look At It This Way ...
My dear Mom Cunningham schooled me not in a class or seminar, or even primarily by her words. It was what she was that taught me. It was her availability to God. It was the surrender of her time. It was her readiness to get involved, to lay down her life for one anxious Bible school girl. Above all, she herself, a simple Scottish woman, was the message.

Think of the vast number of older women today. We live longer now than we did forty years ago. There is more mobility, more money around, more leisure, more health and strength resources which, if put at God's disposal, might bless younger women. But there are also many more ways to spend those resources, so we find it very easy to occupy ourselves selfishly. Where are the women, single or married, willing to hear God's call to spiritual motherhood, taking spiritual daughters under their wings to school them as Mom Cunningham did me? She had no training the world would recognize. She simply loved God and was willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine for his sake. Retirement never crossed her mind. - Elisabeth Elliot

A Final Thought:
Can you imagine what would happen if each of us found some teenagers in our churches, schools, or neighborhoods, and began opening our hearts to them in godly discipleship?

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)

2008-10-17T09:38:00.001+08:00

by Rick Warren

You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:2 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***
Sometimes the biggest conflicts in marriage are over the most trivial issues. One of the silliest fights Kay and I ever had was over bath soap.

If you're going to pull together when you're pulled apart, you have to:

Call on God for help.

Pray about it. Before you go to your spouse about the problem, discuss it with God. This may solve the problem right there. Practice what I call "ventilating vertically." Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say, "Here's how I feel," and you just lay it out.

James 4:2 teaches, "You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God" (NIV). Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.

Confess your part of the conflict.

Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask, "How much of this conflict is my fault? I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part. When you're wrong, admit it. And when you're right, shut up!

Be honest. Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck in another's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? … First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly" (GNT).

I need to ask, "Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?"

Tomorrow we'll look at two more steps to resolving conflict with your spouse.

(to be con't..)

Where the Golden Rule Doesn’t Apply in Marriage

2008-10-10T14:53:00.001+08:00

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg

source: Crosswalk

It's the understatement of all understatements: Men and women are different! If we tried to get into all the way in which we're different, we'd need a lot more space than we have in this article, that's for sure! So instead, we're going to focus on one area: Sex.

Most of us live with a Golden-Rule mentality in our sex lives: "If I treat my spouse the way I want to be treated, then we'll be happy and have a fulfilling sex life." But as you've probably discovered, men and women just don't have the same needs when it comes to sexual intimacy.

And here's the thing: We've found that the problem isn't that couples don't know about gender differences. The problem is that even though we recognize the differences – many of us never take the time to study, appreciate, and pursue those differences as being good and worthy. Instead, many couples continue to assume that the wife will respond like a husband, and the husband will respond like a wife. There's that Golden-Rule mentality again! If you've bought into that line of thinking, let us remind you: That is never going to happen. Period. It's that simple.

So what should a couple do? Should they resign themselves to experiencing a boring – or nonexistent – sex life? No! We want to encourage you to learn about and appreciate the differences between you and your mate. The truth is, God made us different, but he also made us to be complementary – to balance each other, to fit together, to make us one.

To meet our needs, we have to meet our spouses' needs. They are ultimately connected. Of course, that's not to say that men only want the physical and women only want the emotional. Both need both. It's just that God wired us to get both by coming at it from two distinct ways.

So how did God do that? Let's get into a little bit of science to show you just how God wired us to be two parts of a satisfying whole. A woman's hormones make her brain better wired for romance and intimacy. One of those hormones is oxytocin – it's also known as the "cuddling hormone" because it elicits the need to be close and bond, but not in a sexual way. Well, as you probably guessed, a man's level of oxytocin is much lower than a woman's – sometimes ten times lower! In fact, the only time a man's oxytocin levels approach the same level as a woman's is directly after sexual intimacy.[i]

God wired a man to feel connected to his wife through sex. The physical act of sex opens his feelings and allows him to become more vulnerable. Sex gives him a sense of closeness and intimacy. He is better able to concentrate on such things as his emotions. God wired a woman to feel connected to her husband by experiencing emotional connection. Emotional connection gives her a sense of safety. She is better able to give herself to physical sex.

God made husbands and wives to complement each other: A husband invites his wife into intimacy through sex, and a wife invites her husband into intimacy through emotional connection. Together, they make a satisfying whole.

Ultimately, through sexual intimacy – emotionally and physically connecting – God calls us to be vulnerable and to serve each other. He calls on men to connect emotionally with their wives in order to have their physical needs met; he calls on women to connect physically with their husbands in order to have their emotional needs met. It involves tension, to be sure. But it's also exciting!

The exciting reality about sexual intimacy is that God made us different to spice things up! And ultimately, those differences teach us about serving the other person. When we give our spouses what they need – not what we think they want or need – then we fulfill God's design for sexual intimacy. And the reward is that together we experience true intimacy.

What we have to realize is that our different ways of approaching sexual intimacy are okay – and normal – because God made us different… on purpose. And that's a good thing. We waste so much time and energy trying to shape our spouses into sexual clones of ourselves. Then we wonder why we're frustrated and disappointed with our sex lives! So rather than growing frustrated and upset, taking it out on each other, walking away, and pouting, take those opportunities to accept that our approaches to intimacy are going to be different.

The reality is that we often want the same things. Our deepest desire, whether we're male or female, is ultimately to become one. He wants intercourse; she wants intercourse. He may want physical intercourse more than she does, and she may want emotional intercourse more than he does, but when a couple can meld physical and emotional intercourse, they will find the pathway to greater intimacy.

Portions of this article were adapted from "The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women," Copyright 2006 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, all rights reserved. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., www.tyndale.com. To order this resource or to find our more about Dr. Gary and Barb – Your Marriage Coaches, visit www.drgaryandbarb.com or call 1-888-608-COACH.

[i] Michael Gurian, What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works (St. Martin's Press, 2004): 109. Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc, 2006) http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=bizarre&id=4641863

How to Have a Quiet Time

2008-10-08T22:06:00.001+08:00

by Rick Warren

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***

Once you're convinced that a daily quiet time is necessary for spiritual growth, how do you go about having one? You may be motivated to do it but may not know how.

Start with the proper attitudes
In God's eyes, why you do something is far more important than what you do.
On one occasion God told Samuel, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). It is quite possible to do the right thing but with the wrong attitude.

This was Amaziah's problem, for "he did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, but not wholeheartedly" (2 Chronicles 25:2).

When you come to meet with God in a quiet time, you should have these proper attitudes:

•Expectancy – Come before God with anticipation and eagerness. Expect to have a good time of fellowship with him and receive a blessing from your time together. That was what David expected: "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you" (Psalm 63:1).

•Reverence – Don't rush into God's presence, but prepare your heart by being still before him and letting the quietness clear away the thoughts of the world. Listen to the prophet Habakkuk: "The Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him" (Habakkuk 2:20; see also Psalm 89:7). Coming into the presence of the Lord is not like going to a football game or some other form of entertainment.

•Alertness – Get wide-awake first. Remember that you are meeting with the Creator, the Maker of heaven and earth, the Redeemer of men. Be thoroughly rested and alert. The best preparation for a quiet time in the morning begins the night before. Get to bed early so you will be in good shape to meet God in the morning; he deserves your full attention.
•Willingness to obey – This attitude is crucial: you don't come to your quiet time to choose what you will do or not do, but with the purpose of doing anything and everything that God wants you to do. Jesus said, "If anyone chooses to do God's will he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own" (John 7:17). So come to meet the Lord having already chosen to do his will no matter what.

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Mark 1:35 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***

Select a specific time
The specific time has to do with when you should have your quiet time and how long it should be. The general rule is this: The best time is when you are at your best! Give God the best part of your day, when you are the freshest and most alert. Don't try to serve God with your leftover time. Remember, too, that your best time may be different from someone else's.

For most of us, however, early in the morning seems to be the best time. It was Jesus' own practice to rise early to pray and meet with the Father: "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed" (Mark 1:35).

In the Bible many godly men and women rose early to meet with God. Some of these were:
• Abraham – Genesis 19:27
• Moses – Exodus 34:4
• Job – Job 1:5
• Hannah and Elkanah – 1 Samuel 1:19
• Jacob – Genesis 28:18
• David – Psalms 5:3; 57:7,8
• (See also Psalm 143:8; Isaiah 26:9; Ezekiel 12:8)

You might even consider having two quiet times (morning and night). Dawson Trotman, founder of the Navigators, used to have code letters for his night quiet time: HWLW. Whenever he was with a group of people at night or home with his wife and the conversation seemed to be ending, he would say, "All right, HWLW." HWLW stood for "His Word the Last Word"; and he practiced that through the years as a way of ending a day with one's thoughts fixed on the Lord (Betty Lee Skinner, Daws, Zondervan, 1974, p. 103).

Whatever time you set, be consistent in it. Schedule it on your calendar; make an appointment with God as you would with anyone else. Make a date with Jesus!
Then look forward to it and don't stand him up. A stood-up date is not a pleasant experience for us, and Jesus does not like to be stood up either. So make a date with him and keep it at all costs.

The question is often asked, "How much time should I spend with the Lord?" If you've never had a consistent quiet time before, you may want to start with seven minutes (Robert D. Foster, Seven Minutes with God, NavPress, 1997) and let it grow naturally. You should aim to eventually spend not less than 15 minutes a day with the Lord.

*** *** *** ***
This article was adapted from Dynamic Bible Study Methods (Chariot Victor Books) © Copyright 1989 by Rick Warren. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
All Scripture references are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, and 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishing House. All rights reserved.
You may use this study guide for yourself or share it with friends, but please keep the copyright information within the document, and please don't sell it.

Women: Put the Power of Your Words to Good Use

2008-10-01T10:56:00.001+08:00

by Whitlney Hopler/Crosswalk

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Sharon Jaynes' book, The Power of a Woman's Words, (Harvest House, 2007).

Words are one of the most powerful forces in the universe. God used them to create the world. When you use words, you're tapping into great creative power yourself – power that can result in either good or evil.

As a woman, you likely speak and write many words throughout each day. How are you directing the power behind those words? Here's how you can put the power of your words to good use:

Consider the significance of your words. The words you express now will echo for eternity through the ways they impact the lives of the people around you. You may never know how much your positive words will bless others or how much your negative words will hurt them.

View your words as mirrors you hold up to others. The words you use when communicating with others act as mirrors that help them see themselves the way you see them. Decide to look for the best – not the worst – in others. Ask God to help you see their potential. Then choose to communicate words of acceptance and encouragement that inspire them to fulfill their potential.

Communicate well with your children. Use your words to let your children know how much God loves them, and how much you love them. Encourage them to discover their purpose, natural talents, and spiritual gifts. Urge them to pursue dreams that God has placed in their hearts. Pray for them and with them regularly. Become their chief cheerleader instead of their chief critic. Pump courage and confidence into their lives by speaking positive words to them as often as possible. Notice when they display godly character or complete a job well, and compliment them. Encourage them through notes (such as those you tuck inside their school bags or place on their pillows at night), cards, or e-mails. Avoid teasing, sarcasm, put-downs, and language that shames your children. Every day, tell them what they long to hear – that you love them – in specific and creative ways.

Communicate well with your husband. Make sure your words for your husband are loving, kind, encouraging, and supporting. Too many critical words can devastate your husband and cause great harm to your marriage. Regularly compliment your husband in specific ways, such as by letting him know that you admire his talent for something or that you love seeing his smile. Let your husband know that you believe in him and appreciate all that he does.

Communicate well with your friends. Give hope to your friends through your words. Encourage them when they're burdened with something (like the death of a loved one or the loss of a job). Offer to help them when they need something. Correct them when they're veering away from faithful decisions, but do so without judging them. Celebrate with them when they're rejoicing about something. Listen carefully when they share their concerns, and pray with them. Praise their strengths and offer to help them overcome their weaknesses. Make a list of words that you would like to have friends communicate to you; then use those same words to bless your friends.

Communicate well with fellow believers. Remember that God has called you to live in community with your fellow believers, interacting in ways that build each other instead of tearing each other down. Don't participate in the grumbling and gossiping that's too common in some churches. Encourage believers to pursue what God has called them to do. Express your thanks and appreciation to people who serve, letting them know that their efforts are valuable.

Communicate well with the world. Words are powerful tools to attract people in the world to relationships with Christ. Use words to communicate genuine interest, caring, and concern to the people you meet. Ask God to bring divine appointments your way and use your encounters with people throughout each day as conduits of His love. Recognize people who aren't typically noticed, be kind to difficult people, and encourage people who are struggling. When others serve you (such as at a restaurant), be gracious and grateful. Be willing to listen to the stories that the people you meet want to share with you, and learn from them. Take full advantage of every opportunity you have to bless others through loving words.

Communicate well with God. Pray often to grow closer to God yourself, and intercede for others in prayer, asking God to work on their behalf. The words you communicate to God have great power in the spiritual realm. Approach God with reverence and confidence, freely sharing your thoughts and feelings with Him and listening for His responses.

Think before you speak. The words you speak reflect what's going on in your mind. Every day, pray for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind. Refuse to dwell on negative thoughts that enter your mind, and choose to focus on positive thoughts. Before you speak, ask yourself whether or not the words you're considering line up with God's truth, demonstrate noble moral character, are right to be spoken at the time, are pure, are inspirational, are admirable, reflect excellence, and are praiseworthy.

Change bad habits into good ones. If you tend to spew angry words, practice not reacting in anger but instead choosing to extend grace. If you often become bitter after others hurt you, practice recalling how often God has forgiven you for your own mistakes, and ask Him to help you forgive others. If you tend to complain, practice focusing on what God can do in the midst of difficult circumstances rather than dwelling on the details of the difficulties themselves. If you often express fear, ask God to increase your faith so your words will be invitations for Him to act in situations that concern you. If you tend to grumble about situations that don't go your way, practice reminding yourself that God is in ultimate control of them, choose to trust Him, and thank Him for the ways He has worked in your life so far.

Discern when to be silent. Pray for the wisdom you need to discern when you should speak and when you should remain silent. Whenever you're not sure if you should say something, don't. Learn how to listen well to other people and understand the true feelings behind their words. Learn how to listen well to God's guidance about the timing and appropriateness of the words you're considering speaking.

Pour positive words into the lives of others as often as you can. Don't worry about running out of positive words to use to encourage others. Trust God to give you a steady flow of them, even when you're discouraged yourself. If you choose to use your words to encourage others, God will bless your efforts by encouraging you. Be assured that each positive word you speak will cause something positive to happen – and it may be even be as significant as changing the course of someone's life for the better.

Sharon Jaynes is an international inspirational speaker and Bible teacher for women's conferences and events. She is also the author of several books, including Becoming the Woman of His Dreams and Becoming a Woman Who Listens to God. Sharon and her husband, Steve, have one grown son, Steven, and live in North Carolina.

How to Handle Conflict

2008-10-01T10:51:00.001+08:00

by Rick Warren

My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***

I'll tell you how to deal with conflict quickly, but you're not going to like it. The solution to conflict resolution is one word: confrontation.
If you're going to resolve conflict, you must confront. But, you don't have to confront in anger. In fact, you should try not to confront in anger. Lovingly go to the person and, then speaking the truth in love, deal with the problem immediately.

Very few of us enjoy confrontation. The only people who really do are troublemakers who seem to delight in confrontation. They love to go to people and say, "You're blowing it!" That's their thrill.

Because it's risky and uncomfortable, most people don't like confrontation, but it's the only way to resolve conflict.

What's the best way to confront? James 1:19 teaches three rules for confrontation. Everyone should be:
· Quick to listen,
· Slow to speak, and
· Slow to become angry.

If you're quick to listen and if you're slow to speak, you'll automatically be slow to anger.

What are you listening for? You are listening for the hurt in that person. Hurting people always hurt other people. When someone is being a jerk, more than likely it's because that person is hurting. When you understand their hurt a bit, you have a better understanding of why they do what they do, and you're a little more patient with them.

Understanding always brings patience. When we don't understand things, we're impatient. When we understand them, we're much more patient.

“First and Ten Impressions” to Reach First-time Guests in Ten Minutes

2008-09-17T21:20:00.001+08:00

Written by James Walker

source: Lifeway

For every football fan, the phrase "first and ten" is something to celebrate. The "first and ten" is an opportunity for a new set of downs. It is a new opportunity to score a touchdown. It is an opportunity to keep a drive alive. For church leaders, "first and ten" needs do have a totally different meaning. These are strategic numbers if we are to reach those who attend our churches on Sunday. We know that first-time guests formulate their opinions of your church within the first ten minutes on your campus. This ten-minute period is the only opportunity your church gets to make a first impression.

Parking Lot Impressions
There are no second chances to make first impressions. The count down begins as guests drive onto your parking lot. Use these questions to evaluate the impression guests get when driving into the church parking lot.

What is the first thing they see coming in?
Do they see signs or someone showing them the designated guest parking and where to enter the building?
Do they see a clean, well-maintained building from the outside?

At the Door Impressions
This is just the first few minutes into the "First and Ten Impressions." How are you doing so far? Next, the guests will be coming through a door. When they approach, the door, there are several questions that need to be answered.

Is there someone at every entrance to greet guests with a warm, friendly, and caring heart?
Are the greeters knowledgeable about directions and information about the church?
Are there signs and information directing them to the Welcome/Information Center?

Sunday School Impressions
This is the half-way point of the "First and Ten Impression." Are your guests still with you? Now comes a pivotal area in the whole "First and Ten Impression" strategy. The Welcome/Information Center must be exactly what the name suggests.

Are the greeters welcoming and fully-informed about the church, times for events/activities, Sunday School classes, facilities, and worship information?
Are people prepared to walk guests to their classes whether that means walking over to the preschool, children, student, or adult area?
Do the Sunday School classes have people designated to welcome new guests when they arrive?

Worship Impressions
For many churches, first-time guests attend worship before attending a Sunday School class. Because most of the first-time guests you have come through your Worship Service, you will want to make sure that worship experience is a positive one.

Are there ushers who provide a worship guide (for some this is still called the bulletin) and escort guests to seats?
Are your ushers assigned to a specific section and spending time getting to know those who sit in those sections?
Are the ushers introducing the guests to those seated around them?

How did you do with your "First and Ten Impressions?" Did you pass or do you have some work to do? You may want to go deeper in looking specifically at the buildings and property. We have a free six page evaluation called "How to Evaluate Your Church Property" to aid in making the best impression. Join us in the Minister of Education Community at www.lifeway.com/me to share your ideas about making a lasting "First and Ten Impression" to see lives changed.

James Walker

James Walker is the Education Ministry Specialist at LifeWay Christian Resources in Nashville, TN. James and his wife Jennifer serve as Sunday School leaders at Hermitage Hills Baptist Church in Hermitage, Tennessee. They have two children and their family is very active in making Christ known in the community.

Seven secrets of stress management

2008-08-23T20:56:00.001+08:00

by Rick Warren

Then Jesus said, "Let's get away from the crowds for a while and rest." There were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn't even have time to eat. Mark 6:31 (NLT)

Pastor, do you ever feel like your life and schedule is out of control? In the ministry, you can't eliminate stress, but you can manage it.

Jesus experienced enormous stress and pressure, yet it didn't seem to disturb his peace of mind. In spite of opposition, constant demands, and little privacy, his life reflected a calm sense of balance. What was his secret?

1. Identification: Know who you are (John 8:12)
Eighteen times Jesus publicly defined himself. There was no doubt in his mind as to who he was. If you are unsure of your identity, you'll allow others to pressure you into their molds. Trying to be someone you're not causes stress!

2. Dedication: Know who you want to please (John 5:30)
You can't please everyone. Even God can't do that. Just about the time you get Crowd A happy, Crowd B will be upset with you. Jesus never let the fear of rejection manipulate him. No one can pressure you without your permission.

3. Organization: Set clear goals (John 8:14)
Jesus said, "I know where I came from and where I am going." Preparation prevents pressure but procrastination produces it. You work by either priorities or pressures.

4. Concentration: Focus on one thing at a time (Luke 4:42-44)
You can't chase two rabbits at the same time! Jesus knew how to handle interruptions without being distracted from his primary goal.

5. Delegation: Don't try to do everything yourself (Mark 3:14)
We get tense when we feel it all depends on us. Jesus enlisted 12 disciples. Don't allow perfectionism or the fear that others may do a better job keep you from involving others in the task.

6. Meditation: Make a habit of prayer (Mark 1:35)
No matter how busy Jesus got, he found time to get alone to pray everyday. A daily quiet time is a great stress decompression chamber. Use this time to talk to God about your pressures and problems, evaluate your priorities, and discover the rules for successful living by reading the Bible.

7. Relaxation: Take time to enjoy life (Mark 6:30-31)
Balance is the key to stress management. Work must be balanced with fun and worship.

Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., one of America's largest and best-known churches. In addition, Rick is author of the New York Times best seller The Purpose Driven Life and The Purpose Driven Church, which was named one of the 100 Christian books that changed the 20th century. He is also founder of Pastors.com, a global Internet community for ministers.
©Copyright 2008. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

12 Steps to Change Your Prayer Life

2008-08-23T17:06:00.001+08:00

Jennifer Kennedy Dean

source; CrossWalk

1. "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases." (Prov. 21:1)

If your thoughts wander during your prayer time, instead of trying to force them back into your pre-set agenda, try following them. Perhaps the Lord has another agenda.

2. "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen." (Matt. 6:5-6).

Set a time for daily prayer. Consider it an unbreakable commitment. Keep your set appointment every day for one week. For one solid week, let your scheduled prayer time be the centerpiece of your day: arrange everything else to fit around it.

3. "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." (Mark 1:35)

Give God the first fruits of your day. For one week, give the very first 30 minutes of your day to prayer.

4. "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." (Luke 5:16)

Find a place in your home where you can be alone and undistracted during your prayer time. Keep your Bible, prayer journal, pen, and whatever tools you use in that place so that everything is ready. During your prayer time each day, this is a sacred place.

5. "I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." (Isaiah. 6:1)

As you start your prayer time, before you say anything, let your mind's eye see Him, high and exalted, and yourself in a position of worship before Him. Stay in that inner posture until His glory fills your thoughts as the train of His robe fills the temple.

6. "But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.'" (Luke 8:46 )

Take time to become truly alive to His presence with you. Be aware that as you touch Him through prayer, His power is released into your life.

7. "O my people, hear my teaching; listen to the words of my mouth." (Ps. 78:1)

Read your Bible this morning with the awareness that you are listening to the words of His mouth. Stop at the first word, phrase, or thought that captures your attention and let the Father speak to you about it and let it shape your prayers.

8. "We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." (Isa. 64:8)

This week, practice the prayer of pliability. Instead of focusing on what you want God to do for you, focus on allowing Him to shape your desires until they match His. Accept each situation in your life as His hand shaping your thoughts, character, and longings.

9. "Not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

This week, let these words be the only prayer you pray about situations that confront you. Focus on relinquishing every situation to Him to be a platform for His power.

10. "I will remember the deeds of the LORD." (Ps. 77:11)

This week, try writing out your prayers. It will help you stay focused and will create a record of God's work in your life.

11. "My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long." (Ps. 35:28)

This week, practice praying out loud during your private prayer time. It will make your prayer experience more concrete and will help you keep your mind focused.

12. "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; ...talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deut. 11:18-20)

This week, try walking as you pray. Walk through your neighborhood or around your yard. You will be more able to keep your mind open to new thoughts the Lord might introduce. You are likely to find yourself spending more time with Him.

Author, speaker, conference leader Jennifer Kennedy Dean is a significant voice on spirituality and prayer. She addresses real questions about prayer. Contact her at www.prayinglife.org/. © 2008 -- Jennifer Kennedy Dean

Your New Identity in Christ

2008-08-06T06:53:00.001+08:00

Jan Coates

source: CW

BS/Disicpleship resource

There I was, sitting in the green room of the Oprah Winfrey television show, waiting for my turn to share with the world how my new identity had transformed me from the inside out. I stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirror startled by my own image. The mirror reflected an image of a tall, slender black woman with shiny, wavy hair that sparkled like dew drops on a crisp autumn morning. The chestnut eyes beamed with vibrant life. The air was filled with deep love, passion, and hope. I didn't recognize "me."

As I crawled out of bed the next morning, just out of curiosity, I checked in the mirror. I now saw what I had seen hundreds of times before: an under-tall--5 feet, two inches and shrinking to be exact--Caucasian, over forty-nine and holding, work-in-progress lady.

Perhaps it was just a dream that seemed so real to me. Ten years later I still remember the precise details of my "Oprah adventure."

Confused and baffled by my identity, I wondered: Who am I anyway?

Children of God

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God--children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:12-13).

I've read and reread this verse. My silent response was always, "Yes but... I've got a past." Hey, I ain't your perfect Christian lady, sitting on the third row of the center pew. In fact, I'm a lady who's made more than my share of wrong decisions and bad choices--a condemned woman in the eyes of the Pharisees. Why, I could have been stoned 2,000 years ago. Did I mention I'm also a sinner?

The truth of the matter is that until I began to experience abundant grace and understand the "born of God," I disqualified me. But, Jesus didn't.

Understanding Our New Identities

God is speaking to you and me about our new identities. Through faith and belief in Christ we're born of God and have been declared children of Christ. We're fully adopted with all the benefits of new identities.

Through God's mercy and grace, we can feel free to call him "Abba, Father," which means Daddy. We can also expect to share in the inheritance of his only son, Jesus. We are heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ in the Kingdom of God. As believers, our identities are changed forever.

New identities are important to understand because identity precedes and affects:

• Behaviors
• Attitudes
• Emotions
• Values

Someone once said, "Don't try to get in touch with your feelings; get in touch with truth and your feelings will change." The truth about who we are and how God sees us can be found in the Bible.

When we accept Jesus as our Savior, we experience a spiritual rebirth from above. "Jesus declared, `I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again' " (John 3:3). Jesus did not speak of a physical birth resulting from human flesh, but of a rebirth from God through the Holy Spirit.

When we accept Jesus as our Savior, we experience rebirth; simultaneously, we receive the Holy Spirit. When we become Christians, the Holy Spirit comes to live in us, making his temple in our bodies.

Our pasts do not disqualify us. I've discovered it doesn't matter who we were, or what we've done. It matters that God wants to give us a hope-filled future.

We really shouldn't wait until we get that problem fixed, get through that divorce, or get our act together to commit our lives to God. First, because it is impossible to be perfect. Next, in God's family it is more than acceptable to come as we are, baggage and all. We can experience a new beginning--complete with a past that has been wiped clean--and a bright future.

As the Holy Spirit transforms our identities into that of Christ's, we will, over time, see evidence in our lifestyles. We will see patience, gentleness, kindness, and love become a natural part of our life--our entire spiritual selves will daily become more like Christ.

A mirror won't reflect the change. But when God looks at us, He sees the reflection of His Son. If we truly want to be set free from our pasts to pursue a life of freedom in Christ, this should be eternal incentive to keep on keepin' on while allowing God to work in and through us.

Jan Coates is the founder and president of http://www.setfreetoday.com/, a ministry where you can come as you are and leave with a new beginning. A sought-after speaker and popular author, Jan's contagious passion for the Lord is felt in every word she shares. She is on a mission to energize audiences with truth and freedom. For more information, please email her at jan@jancoates.com or visit www.jancoates.com.

Stop an Affair Before it Starts

2008-08-05T09:28:00.001+08:00

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg

America's Family Coaches

source: Crosswalk

Most of us say, "It will never happen to me," or "My marriage isn't at risk." But listen to the cold, hard facts: It's estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage.

If you think your marriage isn't at risk, or that you'll never be tempted in your marriage, think again. The fact is, we're all at risk – if we don't take steps to stop an affair before it starts. So just who is susceptible to an affair? Someone who is experiencing:

• Boredom in marriage
• Lack of sexual activity in marriage
• Lack of compliments, validation, and appreciation from your spouse
• Lack of attention from your spouse
• Lack of intimate time in prayer and God's Word

For men and women, adultery begins in the heart. And for men particularly, it begins when the heart is not guarded against what the eyes sees and what the mind fantasizes. A woman is more likely to be tempted sexually on an emotional level. There is certainly a physical attraction, but it's usually the accompanying emotional bonding and attachment that leads a woman into an adulterous affair. She is enticed by a man's tenderness, openness, warmth, personality, affection, and attentiveness.

When you sense that someone else is captivating your heart in some way, when this attraction results in increased disappointment or frustration toward your spouse or when you begin to dwell on or flirt with your fascination, it's time to confront the threat. It's not too late, but it's late enough.

Are you entertaining any of these common lies and partial truths – or others like them?

• His/her flirting and attention makes me feel good or young again, and it's not hurting anyone.
• We have a connection. He/she really understands me.
• I can talk easily to him/her about everything. He/she focuses on me and gives me time to talk.
• There's chemistry between us. I can tell he/she is attracted to me. I can see myself ending up with him/her.

Stop! You must set a boundary now! You must establish a respectful relational distance between yourself and the man or woman who captures your attention. We're not talking about cutting off all contact with the opposite sex. We're talking about being cautious and alert for temptation in these relationships and maintaining a margin of distance that will help you resist those temptations.

If you find yourself attracted to another person, or entertaining some of the lies and partial truths we listed, you need to set up those boundaries now. Don't allow any unwholesome thought to take hold in your mind. Don't gaze into the other person's eyes, the windows of the soul; eye contact in a conversation is good, but if you catch a look that's too intense or too engaging and that makes you uncomfortable, avert your eyes and resist that gaze. Don't meet alone with members of the opposite sex behind closed doors or in private settings. Be careful with physical touch. Keep conversation general. When all else fails, run for your life. Literally.

The other side of temptation is to be satisfied at home. Solomon's words in Proverbs 5:18-19 are slated to a husband, but you wives can make an appropriate relation: "Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love."

In other words, if you are emotionally or sexually thirsty, quench your thirst at your own fountain instead of looking for another. When you are full and satisfied in your relationship with your spouse, neither of you will need to look elsewhere for satisfaction.

Besides taking your physical needs to your spouse, be sure you also take your emotional and relational needs to no one else but your spouse. Talk about your struggles, your dreams, your needs, your frustrations, and your joys from all levels of your life. Pray with each other. Laugh with each other. Cry with each other. Enjoy each other. Challenge each other. Get honest with each other. This is what intimacy is all about – sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, desires, and drives with one another. Intimacy with your spouse will help keep you in the center of the road, even when other guardrails are missing.

To help you establish guardrails around your marriage, here are five keys to fighting off affairs:

1. Communicate! Couples lose touch with each other when they stop talking. To stay connected and satisfied with each other, spend time together daily.

2. Forgive past grievances. Don't let any resentment reside in your heart. Confess it promptly; otherwise it will seek to destroy you. Forgiving graciously means releasing the offense and receiving your spouse back into your heart.

3. Serve each other daily. Do you know your spouse's needs? (Ask!) Are you inattentive? (Be a student of your spouse!) Don't put it off. Remember what worked before. Breakfast in bed? A phone call during the day? Ask God to open your heart so you can serve freely with the attitude of Jesus.

4. Celebrate who you are individually and who you are together. Pleasing your spouse defeats selfishness and promotes self-denial, which is the root of a great marriage. It builds intimacy and provides encouragement during tough times.

5. Guard your marriage. Be keenly aware of how easily distracted you can become. Be vigilant against distractions. Spend time daily in God's Word. Stay connected to Christ through prayer and getting to know him more intimately. Avoid falling into temptation traps.

Ask God to overwhelm you with love for your spouse and help you rejoice in your marriage. Remember, love is not always a feeling. Much of the time, love is a choice. You must choose to love, whether you feel like it or not. That's the way to guard your heart.

Portions of this article were adapted from "Guard Your Heart," Copyright 2003 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, all rights reserved. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., www.tyndale.com. To order this resource or to find our more about Dr. Gary and Barb – Your Marriage Coaches, visit www.drgaryandbarb.com or call 1-888-608-COACH.

Married over 30 years, the parents of two adult daughters and five grandchildren, Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, your marriage coaches, have a unique blend of insight and wisdom that touch people of all ages. Together with Gary's 25,000 hours of counseling experience and Barbara's gift of encouragement and biblical teaching, they are equipping thousands of families across the nation through their interactive daily radio program, conferences, and marriage and family.

[1] "What are Some Facts and Statistics about Infidelity?" TruthAboutDeception.com, http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/quizzes/public/infidelity_statistics.html

How to Love One Another... Even Other Christians

2008-08-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

Whitney Hopler

Crosswalk.com

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Gerald L. Sittser's new book, Love One Another: Becoming the Church Jesus Longs For, (InterVarsity Press, 2008).

His extroverted personality annoys you. She seems too quiet. He favors a liturgical worship style, while you like a contemporary one. Her political views are too liberal for your conservative taste. Sound like any of the people at your church?

You may dislike them or disagree with them, but their commitment to Christ makes them your spiritual brothers and sisters. If you fail to reach out to them in love as Christ calls you to, then your fractured relationships will do great damage to all involved. But if you take Christ's command to love them seriously, that love will become a powerful force for good – both in your church, and in the watching world.

Here's how you can learn to love other Christians – no matter what:

Remember what God intends the church to be. The church should be a foretaste of what heaven will be like, with many vastly different people unified in their diversity by their love for Jesus Christ. It should be such a loving community that it's an incarnation of Christ's own sacrificial love. Realize that differences are normal and healthy; it's simply how you respond that tests whether or not you're willing to love. Keep God's desire for the church to be a loving community in mind. Don't settle for less, as far as it depends on you.

Welcome one another. Be willing to embrace people as they really are, rather than as you wish they would be. Remember that God doesn't play favorites; He generously loves all people, and hopes that you will, too. Don't reserve your love only for those who love you back, or who are similar to you in personality, religious conviction, interests, background, social status, economic level, race, culture, etc. Ask God to help you accept all people as equally important because they've been made in His image. When you interact with people, acknowledge them, show appreciation for their accomplishments, express affection for them, and say something that blesses them. Look for the best in people and overlook the worst whenever you can.

Be subject to one another. Surrender yourself to God and ask Him to show you how to do His will in circumstances that are less than ideal. Instead of waiting for people and situations to conform to your wishes (which is futile), invite God to use difficult people and situations to transform you according to His wishes – into someone who's more like Christ. Rather than insisting on pursuing your own agenda or protecting your own rights, trust God to do what's best for you in challenging circumstances.

Forbear one another. Let your gratitude for how often God has shown forbearance to you – loving you despite your many sins, mistakes, and weaknesses – motivate you to give other people the room to be who they are, despite all their imperfections. Remember that we're all works in progress. Ask God to give you the humility, patience, grace, and humor you need to accept people without judging them, and to encourage them to be themselves around you. Keep in mind that, while Christians need to stand for essential beliefs such as Christ's divinity, there's plenty of room for different ways of expressing faith. Rather than trying to change people who bother you, pray for them and trust God to change them in the best ways and at the best times. Don't deny people opportunities to serve simply because they have flaws. Accept and affirm the valuable contributions that imperfect people make through Christian service. Be willing to listen respectfully to people who don't share your point of view on an issue, yet still share faith in Christ. Allow yourself to learn from their perspectives.

Forgive one another. Since God has forgiven you, He expects you to forgive others, with His help. Don't wait until you feel like forgiving people who've hurt you; you likely never will. Instead, decide to forgive, and your feelings will eventually follow as God changes your heart through the forgiveness process. Understand that forgiveness doesn't mean excusing wrong behavior. It simply means that you're entrusting the situation to God. Even if the people who've wronged you don't apologize and repent, choose to forgive them anyway, knowing that by doing so you'll be giving God the gift of your obedience and freeing yourself from the poison of bitterness.

Confess sin to and pray for one another. Regularly own up to the reality of your sin, and confess it to God and other Christians. Listen when other Christians confess their sins to you. Let the knowledge that you're all desperately in need of God's grace draw you closer together. Embrace the mercy, forgiveness, and hope that God offers you. Pray for each other's concerns, seeking healing for your brokenness. Rather than praying only for certain people who seem more worthy than others, be generous with your prayers – willing to intercede for anyone.

Serve one another. Follow Christ's example by counting others better than yourself and seeking their welfare. Be willing to serve however God leads you, whether or not the opportunities He urges you to take make use of your gifts. Simplify your life so you have enough time to make service a regular part of your schedule. Allocate a regular place in your budget for generous financial giving. Develop the talents God has given you so you'll be able to use them well when you're faced with opportunities to use them in service work. And check your motives: Make sure you're serving out of a desire to love God back for loving you, rather than to try to prove something to yourself or others or to get something from the people you serve.

Encourage one another. Ask God to help you live with integrity so you can encourage others with a good example of what faith in action looks like. Carefully consider the impact of your attitudes and actions on other people; strive to be positive. Reach out to discouraged people in creative ways, such as by writing them cards or letters, or inviting them to meals at your home. Catch people doing something right, and let them know that you've noticed and appreciate their efforts. Whenever you spend time with your friends, do all you can to encourage each other.

Comfort one another. Suffering can unite people in powerful ways because it reveals their common need for God. Divisions and conflicts often appear trivial in the face of suffering. Make room in your life for broken and grieving people. Whenever you encounter someone who has suffered a loss, think and pray about what you can do to help: from providing child care, meals, or job training, to simply listening to them share their stories. Don't minimize, exaggerate, or trivialize grief. Instead, point grieving people to the source of real hope – Christ – and let your shared hope in Him draw you closer to each other.

Bear one another's burdens. Accept the reality of that following God's call to bear other's burdens will be costly, inconvenient, and disruptive. Ask God to help you do so anyway. Be available and flexible for when He leads you to help bear someone's burden. Seek to help burdened people take responsibility for their problems and get back on their feet, rather than fostering dependence on you. Hold them accountable for their attitudes and actions while providing the support they need to grow. Realize that it's not possible for you to help everyone you know who needs help; God only expects you to help the people He leads you help – and only in the specific ways He guides you to help them. Pray for discernment about who you should help, and how. Combine a sympathetic attitude with good judgment. As you help others, keep in mind that you're not superior to them. When someone helps you, remember that you're not inferior to them. Realize that everyone needs help at various times. Let your shared experiences of helping and being helped deepen your love for the fellow believers around you.

Stir up one another. It's dangerous to get complacent about your faith. Get out of your comfort zone and help other people get out of theirs. Do all you can to inspire and challenge others to follow the Holy Spirit's lead each day and take creative action in the specific directions the Spirit leads them. Meet with other Christians regularly and talk with them often about what's most important to them, and why. Invest your time, money, or talents in some of their causes. Let go of an attachment to the familiar, the past, a desire to control, or anything else that stands in the way of pursuing something new that God is calling you to pursue.

Admonish one another. Be willing to confront, challenge, and correct Christians who are living in disobedience to God's commands. But always do so with the goal of helping them restore their intimacy with God. Never admonish someone out of spite. Instead, let love motivate you to want the best for them and be concerned about their welfare. When you admonish someone, do so privately, positively (aiming to solve the problem), and prayerfully (as God leads you).

Gerald L. Sittser (Ph.D., University of Chicago) is professor of theology at Whitworth University in Spokane, Washington. He is the author of The Adventure, A Cautious Patriotism, A Grace Disguised, The Will of God as a Way of Life and When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer. He has also written many book reviews and articles. He speaks frequently at churches, college campuses, and scholarly and Christian conferences. Sittser has won numerous awards and honors including a Gold Medallion Award from the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association for his book When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer.